Asshole Winning

Joonies- if you thought we would never include a male perspective on this blog, you were wrong.  Here at SexandFessenjoon, we are ALL about variety and trying NEW things.  So please join me in introducing our new, MALE (and sexy) writer, JAMES BOND.  Bond is your typical, asshole Persian stud- with not only a lot of baggage (aka wisdom), but also ladies.  Feel free to drop him a pickup line at sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com or please tell him he’s full of shit- God knows, we do!

Enjoy his first of many, wonderful downright inappropriate posts below:

Hey… um joonies? I just wanted to start my first post off with this: “I hate assholes.”  My entire life, I’ve been hearing this bullshit from girls: hot girls, pretty girls, average girls, even the uglies (Sorryboutit). And here is my response: YEAH RIGHT.  THAT IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE.

Assholes always win, right Sheen?

When it really comes down to it, women crumble at the temptation of the asshole guy every damn time. Girls love the idea of the “nice guy,” but in reality, its just an idea and at the end of the day, they want a “nice guy” who is BOLD and confident enough to not take any bullshit from anyone… aka the ASSHOLE.

The definition of a so-called “asshole guy” is bad, bold and confident- he doesn’t worry about who he might offend or upset by his actions and most importantly, he doesn’t look for validation from others.  The reason women are so attracted to the asshole type is because of their confidence, its what separates them from your average, little bitch ass “NICE guy.”

Enough Said

The asshole gets all the action and hooks up with the girl, while the nice guy gets stuck with the shit end of the stick.  

It’s true, in the end- the girl always uses the nice little SOOSOOL guy as a shield or even worse: a shoulder to cry on when the asshole hooks up with her friend instead, and the part that really gets me going is:
girls act surprised every single time when a known asshole acts douchey towards them or as they like to claim, “hurts their feelings.”
I’ve had a lot of relationships: long term, short term, one night stands (best relationships ever), and all it comes down to is “CHECKS AND BALANCES”  The asshole knows how to balance himself: not be too mean, or too shallow or cocky.  Instead, they are forwardBOLD.  When women get butthurt, they translate their confidence to “jerk, ass, bastard… douchebag…”

Guaranteed he was back over that night for “make up sex”

Let me give you an example:

My homie is good looking (that’s right, I’m confident/bold enough to admit it).  He’s tall, light skin, blue eyes- Persian girl’s dream.  But he’s not bold when it comes to picking up women.  And let me tell you, I might be cute, but I ain’t no six foot, blue eyed beast.  Anyway, back in college, there was this gorgeous girl at our school.  We met her at the gym one day and every time we saw her, he would shower her with compliments and tried SO hard to be funny.  This went on for about 3-4 months and during this time, I just ignored her.  And by “ignore,” I mean, I didn’t make a huge effort to go talk to her every time I saw her.  One day, I was talking to one of my female homies and the gorgeous girl approached me.  When I went over to talk to her, she asked if I was sleeping with my female friend.  When I said no, she followed up with, “how come you never tried to get with me or ask me out.” BAMMMM, she fell right into my little asshole trap.  It was what I was waiting for and after that day, it was a done deal.

Look, I always treat women with respect.  Just because I’m confident and am man enough to say what needs to be said doesn’t mean I’m an asshole (even though I’ve been labeled one too many times).  At the end of the day, i’m the one she picks… and that’s ALL that matters.   

I’m not trying to encourage guys to be JERKS or assholes.  I’m just saying, if you want the girl or her ass, be confident.  MEN who have the balls to approach and charm the shit out of women get labeled as “assholes” for one reason only:

Women don’t have enough confidence or self esteem to handle our kind- that’s why they come up with these crazy stereotypes.

But tell me this ladies, why do you always fall for our charm ANYWAY?

FACEBOOK US or email us at sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com if you think I’m an asshole that needs to shut the f@%! up!

Peace,

James Bond جیمز باند

The Problem With Pretty Girls

Joonjoons :)

Time for some daily wisdom.

But FIRST, a story (bc we all love those):

Growing up, I had a friend who was very pretty- she NEVER went through that ‘ugly duckling phase’ aka her nose and face didnt swell, acne never hit, and baby fat was nonexistent. I mean this girl was pretty at 8 years old AND at 11 AND at 17.

So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?

Great genes. (efffff them)

Now, let me tell you why there is a tragedy in this story- Later, my friend and I ended up moving to two different countries, and a few years after our high school graduation we got together to catch up and she was an absolute mess. She was in her 20s and falling into a deep depression. My friend hadn’t gone on to do anything with her life- she never found fulfillment in a career, a family, or a passion.

I was shocked. I didn’t understand. I always assumed she was better off because,..well, she LOOKED better. It didn’t add up.

WHY?

Now here’s the wisdom: PRETTY can promote certain dangerous qualities (as can family money or a big dick). You see, my friend grew up pretty, and she EXPECTED people to treat her like a pretty girl. ENTITLEMENTVANITY.  These are all qualities that you want to stay VERY FAR AWAY from, yet our society almost pushes it upon us.

By no means am I saying that all pretty people are doomed, but sometimes lucky genes can be more of an obstacle than anything else.

Let me further ILLUSTRATE:

- Relying on your good looks prevents you from spending time on developing DEPTH.  Being DEEP helps you deal with the curveballs life throws you. Dealing with the loss of a job? Death? Disease? Your beauty won’t help you there. Don’t let something bad happen for you to start developing coping mechanisms. (TRUST MEEEE)

-IF you focus so much on the outside, the inside gets FUCKED UP. NEGLECTED: it’s your sense of humor that needs a lift, not your boobs.

- Beauty FADES. and its like a BAD EX, it leaves you with SCARS (in the form of sun spots, wrinkles, and saggy skin). When its gone, you should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and still love yourself, and if not love- you should be able to accept yourself.

- Feeling pretty often means feeling others are UGLY. Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t call some bitches BUSTED, UGLY, or UNFORTUNATE LOOKING- but at the end of the day, if you feel like you are BETTER than someone else because of the way you LOOK, man oh man, have you got problems. Feeling SUPERIOR because you’re prettier is the equivalent of feeling SUPERIOR because you’re of a certain race. RACISM IS OUTDATED BITCHES.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with the above points? (drop me a line if you do: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com)

Yet, here lies the problem:

EVERYDAY, it seems like life rewards those who are more attractive and this is…TRUE.

BEING ATTRACTIVE can get you FARTHER in LIFE. but i want to draw the difference between ATTRACTIVE and PRETTY here.

attractive is not just physical- it’s how you carry yourself. SWAGGER.  its like an equation: SWAGGER: 5% PHSYICAL + 95% MENTAL. if you feel sexy, you probably ARE sexy (its cliche but true)– and you’re probably better in BED.  You can always manipulate the physical, and if you got the awesome personality– you’re fucking GOLD.

No braces for this girl

and no nose job for this one

Pretty is physical, pretty does not mean you can HOLD a conversation, does not mean you can be a FREAK IN THE SHEETS, and it def does not mean you’re FUN to be around.

GUYS FUCK PRETTY GIRLS. GUYS MARRY SWAGGED-OUT BITCHES.

True story.

In my opinion, all girls are pretty in one form or another, it’s the girls who don’t dwell on their looks that seem to get the man, the job, and the good life.

the truth? pretty’s a dime a dozen.FO REAL. Girls, invest your time (and money) in something else.

think im being HARSH?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

yours forever,

saaghi  ساقی

Bitches Always Be Talkin’ Shit

O-M-G!  I heard that jende hooked up with Saaghi’s man of the hour last night. What a slut.  Of course, she would do something like that- she’s always flirting with every guy.

The infamous rumor mill.  As Persian girls, we know it all too well.  Whether we are the ones starting the gossip or we’re the latest victim of the scandal circulating to Iranians worldwide (over exaggeration I KNOW, but you get my drift).  It’s inevitable– girls (AND GUYS- “bro I heard your beez eff’ed every guy in sight during college”) looove to talk shit.  Its always about who hooked up with who, who stole so-and-so’s boyfriend or how loose that one hoe is.  AND EVERYONE is guilty of this.  CALL ME PARANOID- but whenever someone says something in a different language in front of me- I SWEAR its a comment on what I’m wearing or worst.  You can say that girls talk shit all day (which they do… no denying that), but locker room talk?  That’s all you, boys.

Can’t even BELIEVE she would try to get at Saaghi’s man- WTF!

The way I see it?  People are ALWAYS going to talk shit and fact of the matter is, they are usually saying something bad because they are simply jealous (unless you really are a slut).  Don’t get me wrong- I’ll still get hurt if I hear that someone I trust said something mean about me behind my back.  But, I’ve learned that if someone does betray me like that, I’m better off and I KNOW that I can never trust them again.  Of course, I wasn’t always like this.  As a crazy Persian girl, I’ve had to develop a thick skin to ward off the haters constantly chugging on that haterade they love so damn much and believe me when I say- it took me awhile- it was only after I was able to block the most ridiculous rumors that I was able to finally take everything with a grain of salt.

Let me REEEEWIND, in high school- I was your typical “Brown girl.”  We had maybe five other Persian girls in my high school, so people didn’t really see me as “Persian,” they saw me as “not white” (special kids, I know).  ANYWAY, I had a lot of boyfriends.  In fact, I probably had a boyfriend for about two and half out of three years of high school.  And no, NOT the same one… I had boyfriends that lasted anywhere from two weeks… to two months… to finally over a year (my LAST year of high school).

The good ol’ innocent days

But because I was just oh-so-sought after (kidding…), I developed a … promiscuous reputation.  I’ve had a lot of boyfriends, right?  So OF COURSE, I just CAN’T be a virgin.  It was automatically assumed that I had already opened my legs at the mere age of 15.  Ironically, I lost my virginity the summer before my third year of COLLEGE, surprised? Don’t be- rumors are rarely true.

At the time, I would get SO upset when a guy would get fresh with me just because he thought I had the experience to be able to handle it.  And I was EVEN MORE upset when I found out that my best friend in high school was the one behind the bullshit rumors (shady much?).  But here is what I learned: Yeah my best friend is a bitch and she kind of sucks at life (no BITTERNESS, I swear…), but if she had never betrayed me the way she did- I would have continued being friends with her and she probably would have not only, spread more ridiculous lies about me, but she would have spilled a few secrets too.  And what was even better about the whole situation?  I could actually say that NO, those rumors are untrue and I wouldn’t be lying.

I’ll be honest- I LOVE hearing the gossip, the shit talking. I have NO problem telling someone when I think they’re being a little jende.  But that’s where I think I’m a little different than those behind the scenes/undercover shit talkers. I’ll say it to your face when I think you’re acting inappropriate.  I’m not trying to ruin your reputation, your actions are already doing that for you.  My philosophy:

What you do behind closed doors is your own business- but when it affects others, you better be able to own up to your actions.  So don’t fuck someone’s boyfriend. (its NEVER ok)

Take it from someone who knows: there will always be rumors, but it feels fucking great when you can prove them wrong.  And hey: if they’re true, lesson learned.  Just because people are hating on you for something you did doesn’t mean its always going to be like that- you can always learn from your mistakes. God knows, I did.

Ever had someone spread something ridiculous about YOU? Here’s your chance to silence those shit talkers forever:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Till then,

You’re one and only,

Farrah  فراه

Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart

Hello my dear Joonies,

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are completely stuffed with Turkey and Ghormeh Sabzi stuffing (because let’s be real, a Persian Thanksgiving always includes… rice or kabob or some type of khoresht).

Is that FESSENJOON I see in the top right corner?

Anyway, not to put a HUGE damper on the festivities, but I decided this might be the perfect time to bring up a topic we all love to talk about… but hate in action: THE BREAK-UP.  We’ve all been there- whether we have been the dumper or dumpee. I will admit, I’ve dumped numerous guys without even thinking once about how it made them feel… until it happened to me.  I’ve seen it all: guy cheated, lost interest, lives went in separate directions, etc. And then there is the grieving period where we drown ourselves with ice cream (or in my case- pizza) and cry ourselves to sleep, wishing that things were different.

There’s no easy way to say this: being broken-hearted fucking sucks. What’s the point of starting a relationship with someone if its just going to end up with you being the one to get hurt?  That’s what I used to always think and I always tried to stay away from it- whether it was in college or even after when I started meaningless 2 month relationships just to end it once I got “annoyed.”  But recently, I was hit with this realization: It might hurt throughout your entire body when your heart gets broken, but sometimes its necessary to let go of things that we cling to so dearly to make room for something better.  Everything happens for a reason.  He may have seemed perfect then, but if he can’t handle you getting a new job, or throwing plates at his head every once in awhile, then he’s just not meant for you- know what I’m sayin’? So for all your joonies out there crying over some douchebag who just can’t appreciate how wonderful you are, dry those tears- because I promise you there is someone better. And if you’re still high off the breakup and feel the need to bash him for his piece of shit attitude, then feel free to tell us ALL about it: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

D-bags don’t deserve a chance with our hearts

One contributor recently shared her story with us.  After being dumped by someone she thought she would be with forever, she decided to write her feelings (instead of egging his house) and her letter to the asshat is printed below for our lovely “Douche of the Week” series.  Read it, sympathize, and know that you’re NOT the only one out there going through some type of pain caused by a worthless guy you’re better off without anyway.

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

XOXO,

Farrah  فراه

Dear XY,

I don’t even know where to begin.  There are so many things I want to say that I could never say to your face and for the sake of my sanity, I just need to get it out.  I don’t know where things went wrong.  Everything felt so perfect.  I was so happy and I was so sure that you were too.  Maybe I was just blinded.  Maybe I never really knew you like I thought I did.  I have to admit, there were times where I felt something was off, deep down I knew something was wrong- but I always justified it with some worthless excuse.  

You promised me that you were in this for the long run and that you truly cared about me.  You introduced me to your family and took such a seemingly serious interest to learn about mine.  I felt comfortable to let my guard down and for the first time in my entire life, be completely vulnerable with the guy I was with.  You made me feel safe and insisted that I could depend on you.  Why would you do that if you were just planning on leaving me in the end?  

Even after months of being together, I still got butterflies in my stomach every time I was about to see you.  Did you not feel the same way?  What did I do wrong?  For the first time in my entire life, I feel like one of the girls I always look down at.  One of those girls who just commits their heart to someone irrationally… I was thinking with my heart, not my brain.  

I am so mad at you.  So mad at you for putting me in this situation.  So mad at you for convincing me that you were for real.  But most of all, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that your jealousy and competitiveness got in the way of a wonderful relationship.  No matter what you think, we weren’t just good on paper- we were great in execution and it was your selfishness that got in the way.  You’re a coward and after months of blindly falling for you, I can finally see that now.  People say that everyone gets their heart broken at one point in their lives, and I guess now its my turn.  Despite the pain I feel now, I know that one day, I will get over this.  But I hope that you look back and utterly regret the decision you made.  And when that day comes, I can assure you: I will no longer be there hoping that we can work things out.

Sincerely,

XX 

Hi Jooniessss

Welcome to our bloggg, where nothing is off limits :)

feel free to drop us a line, preferably an embarrassing story about last night’s mistake, or today’s morning after dilemma!

or maybe you’d like to rant about how sacred sex is, and how we should keep some sh!T to ourselves?

either way we love to hear from you

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

follow us on twitter: @Sex&Fessenjoo

Love Always,

The S&F team

Single or Just Addicted to Meth?

Hi Joonies,

I have discovered the key to why most of us VERY ELIGIBLE, BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT women are still single (some on the verge of torshideh).

And I won’t charge you for imparting this wisdom. WHAT A DEAL, HUH?!

So, here’s a few reasons you’ve already HEARD:

I have to tease you, sorry

1. WOMEN WON’T SETTLE: According to an article I read in The Atlantic, IN THIS ECONOMY, women are gracefully reaching the top of the ladder, WHILE men hang at the bottom jobless, and uneducated. OKOKOK that’s an exaggeration…but as more and more women start making as much, or more than men, they start asking themselves: “why the fuck would I deal with YOUR bullshit?!

For every beautiful single woman, there’s three ridiculous, immature boys

2. LACK OF TIME: Same deal as #1, but all that time you spend in the library? or work? well, you’re def not dolling yourself up to go and meet a mate. ya know what i mean?

3. MEN HAVE LOST THEIR ‘MAN’: Ignore the OLD SPICE guy, finding a manly guy these days is SO HARD. They either want to talk about their feelings, or they’re just fucking lost. Yeah I’m gonna say it: WHAT HAPPENED TO CHIVALRY? what happened to forward men who PURSUED women? If you expect US to do the chasing, well…we’re gonna feel like the MAN in the relationship, and…then why the eff would we want you around?

NOW HERE’S WHAT YOU DON’T HEAR OFTEN ENOUGH:

YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. 

yeah, all those friends you’ve been counting on since high school to get you through heartbreak, have sex-talk with, the people you CONFIDE IN…THEY ARE THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE.

Does it look like there’s room for a man in there?

I’ll explain:

Back in the day, friendship was never over prioritized over a relationship. “Chicks before Dicks”? No. I dont think so.

Now, after all this Sex and the City and other pop culture references, we’ve come to see girlfriends as our main SUPPORT SYSTEM. We RELY on them to get us through hard times, stick up for us, and more importantly UNDERSTAND us.

We have BEST FRIENDS, we have FRENEMIES, we have our ONLY-GOOD-TO-PARTY-WITH FRIENDS, at the end of the day though– we have SO MANY girlfriends (all types and hierarchies) that we’re practically never ALONE enough to realize we want a man.

I’m not saying we need a man, but we complain we’re SINGLE all the time– no one appreciates us, no one commits to us, bla blabla….WELL TAKE A LOOK AROUND— your girlfriends are your crutch!

Where are you gonna fit a man into your life when you have to – work, study, get your nails done with Tina, gym with Nadia, and help Lily with her new boy crush?

It seems high school, but ladies take a look at your lives- WHAT PERCENTAGE IS TAKEN UP BY YOUR GIRLFRIENDS?

It’s like a meth addict wanting to get clean, while hanging at a meth lab. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Now let me illustrate:

I am your typical single girl:  I believe I am the greatest, most beautiful creature who deserves a prince, and I won’t settle, yet I still complain about why I can’t find anyone. And I have the GREATEST girlfriends.

My friends understand me in ways no man ever has. I am completely un-censored, SILLY, WEIRD, un-ladylike, potty-mouthed around them…and they love me JUST THAT WAY. (part of it’s because they have no choice) I am so comfortable around my friends, and that is the PROBLEM.

I feel no motivation to make a connection with guys to try to find ONE who will reach some level like that with me- because quite frankly, even your husband doesn’t wanna hear about your period cramps. Or you can’t share a batch of brownies with them at 2am FOR ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

Don’t get me wrong, when my friends fall into relationships- I seem to find a boy to replace my crutch, but we all seem to FALL back into the one RELATIONSHIP we have with each other.

So here’s the moral of the story, blessed with good girlfriends? Dump ‘em if you want a man. It’ll push you out of your comfort zone and MAKE you find someone.

But if you’re like me, you’ll stick with the meth ;).

BTW- have you ever noticed how those ‘RELATIONSHIP-TYPE GIRLS’ don’t have good Friends who are GIRLS?….SEE- I TOLD YOU.

Any other reasons you think are better than this one?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Your Welcome,

Saaghi  ساقی

Does it Count if its “Just the Tip?”

As Persian girls, we grow up with our parents putting EXTRA pressure on us to remain… innocent… Persian wife material…virgins.  Its no longer about losing it someone you love and care about, its about the gossip that will form around our actions within our Iranian community.  Its about not being able to find a suitable Iranian husband because we opened our legs at one point in our lives (or 2).

But why is it that other girls (the white girlscan be so free about sex and do it when they want without the consequences of being shunned by their family?  And more importantly, what do we Persian girls do instead?  In Iran, many girls use the backdoor (anal- for those of you not witty enough to understand) to maintain “their virginity.”

“Sorry, my future husband has to break my hymen on our wedding night so he won’t divorce me… but you can put it in here instead.”

In the U.S., we aren’t as strictly bounded by the threat that our hymen not breaking on our wedding night will lead to divorce.  Because let’s be real, hymens can break from anything (ex. going horseback riding- not that Iranians really do that anyway, but I rode a few ponies when I was kid…).  Therefore, in an effort to maintain our “virgin status,” some of us stick to “just the tip.”

Don’t worry mom, I didn’t have sex… Just the tip…

But honestly, where’s the fun in that?  Just the tip is equivalent to allowing yourself to having ONE bite of a delicious ice cream sundae when you are on a diet.  And what’s the point of it anyway?  You let the guy put in a tiny bit of his doodool, then you freak out that its going to mean you are having sex and push them away?  And how many tips does it take till it equals a full doodool and you’ve technically “had sex?”  Honestly joonies, its not worth it.  Stick to blow jobs (jk).

OK seriously… Growing up, I really struggled with sex and the varying feelings of guilt I had every time I let a guy in my pants (not that it stopped me, but I could never really look my parents in the eye).  I finally lost my virginity at age 20 to someone I really think I loved (look for that story coming soon).  But, I was never able to be honest about my sex life with my family (obviously) or even the Persian guys I dated.  I feel like so often, I strive to make others perceive me as this innocent, little Persian girl.  When in reality:  I am not a slut… I haven’t slept around… and just because I have had sex doesn’t mean I have done anything wrong and neither have YOU

So for all you ladies out there feeling torn as to what to do… whether or not you should be having sex even though your parents have forbid you to do so, consider this:  Sex is not taboo.  It is not going to cause you to go to hell nor is it going to prevent you from finding the man of your dreams. Sex is fun and feels fucking great (after the 30th time you do it).  But be careful: don’t wear your vagina on your sleeve.  Be tactful and find your own morals to abide by.

Feeling guilty?  Or do you think I’m full o’ shit? Share it with us- we understand what you are going through.

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

XO XO,

Farrah فراه

Guys I’d Date, My Dad Would Hate.

Last week we gave the men a treat. Tonight is for the ladies.

The title is pretty self-explanatory.

Guys that our dad would kick out of the house if we brought them over for some fessenjoon.

Hi Dad, This is Colin- He played Alexander in the movie Alexander–you know the guy who burned down Persepolis? Oh, and he’s also an ex drug&sex addict, with a few baby mamas. OOPS.

And then there’s also:

Hi Dad, This is Gerard. You know the guy from 300? Oh RIGHT, you never watched that movie because it made Persians look like PIERCED-OUT TRANNIES.

Look at those eyes…

 Did we leave any actors–that have been PERSIAN HATING films–out?

I don’t think so.

make our day :

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

xo,

The S&F team

Why My Persian Dad is Better* Than Yours

Better: cheesier, stricter, overprotective, delusional

Enough with the sex, let’s talk some daddy issues.

I think all over the world the relationship a child has with their parents is a special one.  And us Persian kids, well we got a REALLY special relationship, especially with our DADDYS.

Let me lay it out for you – the facts:

  •  Our dads grew up/were adults around the time of the REVOLUTION (if you think I mean American Revolution, you’re too stupid white-washed for this blog)

  • We’re not growing up where our dads grew up. Your dad can’t drive you over to where he made his first dollar, macked on girls, or even where he graduated high school

what a hipster.

this is someone’s mom.

  • You’re probably not meeting any of your dad’s old BROS/poker buddies, because they live in random parts of the world. So any insight into when your dad was an irresponsible, irrational, hormone driven youth= GONE

The Hangover: Irooni Style

Why is this important? Because my childhood was MISERABLE (ok overexaggeration, I know.)

Now, Im going to talk about my dad (HOPEFULLY HE NEVER GOOGLES SEX and FESSENJOON).

My dad and I always had a special relationship, which is code for FUCKED UP. See, my dad’s a nice guy- to EVERYONE ELSE. When it comes to me, parenting ain’t a joke…sh!t’s serious. He wanted me to be a perfect adult, from when I was 5 years old.

EXAMPLE 1: When girls in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL wore platform skechers and bell bottoms (remember-spice girls?), I had to wear oxford shoes, and suspenders.

SUSPENDERS.

I’m not kidding. I looked something like this in Elementary school:

I know I’m not black, but the outfit comes pretty close. To all those readers who don’t believe me, I SINCERELY WISH I was kidding.

EXAMPLE 2: When I played Soccer, my dad would yell LOUDER THAN THE COACH from the sidelines.

In full Persian accent—infront of all those Caucasians- my dad would be screaming

“HUSTLE”

“VAT ARE YOU DOING JUST E-STANDING DER?!”

“MOVE FOR DE BALL”

I had to BRIBE my dad to NOT come to my games.

EXAMPLE 3: In High School, my dad decided CHAPERONING school dances would be the best way to keep an eye on me. All those nice PTA moms would be at the dances in their ugly sweaters and MOM jeans offering alcohol free beverages, and then there stood my 6foot+ Dad in a corner looking WAY TOO Middle Eastern and suspicious.

Oh my father also liked to chaperone my mall trips—walking a few feet behind my friends and I while we would shop at CLAIRES.  One day, I decided to walk into Victoria’s Secret to see if he would follow—lets just say I’M THE ONE who got dragged out. “Vat is this estuff anyvay, lets go home” 

Even now, just out of spite, I own a lot of lingerie- even though there’s no one to wear it for.

EXAMPLE 4: Once I moved out of my house, my dad had no everyday control, so he decided to up his game. NOW, it was all about the LECTURES on how IRRESPONSIBLE I was, WHAT was I doing with my life? WHEN would I SETTLE DOWN with a good Persian boy?

WHEN WOULD I BE A GOOD RETURN ON INVESTMENT FOR MY DAD?

HMM, dad, if this blog is any indication- NEVER.

I know, that all of the things my dad did was because he cared. Trust me, I get that… But I’M SURE he wasn’t always so perfect.

At one point he was a baby too.  Here’s proof:

Part of me feels for my dad- stuck in a country where EVERYTHING is foreign, it’s almost always going to be about NOSTALGIA: remembering what was, and a ‘golden age’ that I have no part of.

This is the cultural gap, that we share with our parents and especially if we’ve never been to the mother country, how can we really understand them? We can’t but it doesn’t help that they leave us out even more.

COME ON DAD—TELL ME ABOUT THAT FIRST JOINT YOU SMOKED (Grandpa already has). OR how you ALMOST got expelled in high school.

And ESPECIALLY, why, now you want to shove PERFECTION down my throat, when you got the chance to be an idealistic, naïve revolutionary in 1979?

Unfortunately, Irooni parents think parenting is best done through enforcing standards and hiding realities (kind of like Corporate America), but its actually more about EXAMPLE.

If we don’t hear about all the ways they fucked up, how can we get over own mistakes?

The truth is:

At the end of the day, I will probably never get over my daddy issues. Yes, this is baggage I carry TIL THE END OF TIME–but I will say this, I wear it proudly. I mean who else can say their Dad gave them BOY hair cuts and a 9:30pm CURFEW?

It’s all some kind of love.

Embarrassingly yours,

Saaghi ساقی

p.s I know you all of have embarrassing PERSIAN DAD stories, so no excuse why the inbox should not be FILLED:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Too Soft to Handle

Hello my dear joonies,

I just want to start this post off by warning all of you that this is a vent post.  That’s right.  I really need to bitch like crazy and no, not because I’m “PMS‘ing” or for any other stupid reason guys like to pin on us… but because I am utterly and completely annoyed.

Look, we all know dating is hard.  Throughout those first few weeks, we always wonder,

“Does he just want ass or is he for real?”

“Do I actually like him… or his hot piece of ass friend?”

Even till your mid 20s (can’t speak for any age older than that), you have to know how to play the game (which I actually find incredibly depressing because guys just never learn to put their bullshit aside- but then again, the same could be said of some girls).  But let’s say: you finally think you found someone that you really seem to connect with.  Things are getting a little more exciting and you are just starting to get to know each other then… BAM, his insecurities are suddenly on the table and slapping you in the face.

I am all about being there for my man and making sure he feels needed, whatever.  But this comes LATER.  This comes after we have been talking for awhile and a certain foundation for our relationship has been established, NOT after the first date.

Listen up boys… here are some major pointers to keep in mind:

Do’s: 

1.  Make me feel special- whether its through texting, gchatting, etc.  Simple gestures count.  

2.  Make me feel like I’m the only girl in the room.

3.  Make plans for the future. And calm your ass down- I’m not talking years down the road… I’m talking like the upcoming weekend homie.  

Don’ts: 

1.  Don’t text me incessantly asking me if everything is okay JUST BECAUSE I can’t hang out.  I’m busy.  The more you act upset about it, the less likely I’m going to want to see you again.

2.  Don’t ask me to hang out everyday or whenever you think I have a free second.  You all like girls that play hard to get, right?  Well, it goes both ways- we don’t want some little bitch guy who is stuck to our ass all the damn time.

3.  Be a man.  Yes I know- I’m gender stereotyping right here.  But I’m sorry, I don’t want to have to baby you and hold your hand to guide you through the relationship.  If I wanted a baby, I’d get knocked up.

I think I’m pretty blunt most of the time and a little aggressive (if you can’t already tell)… I need someone that can handle it and put me in my place.  NOT someone who might possibly cry.  I’m just saying, I don’t want to be the one proposing… so MAN UP:

Wear the pants in the relationship.  Don’t be a “zan-zalil” (persian for whipped)  understood?!  Of course, sensitive guys can be great– don’t get me wrong.  I know that there will be times when you will need a shoulder to lean on and really, I will be there for you without any judgment.  But until we get to that point of our relationship, please don’t give me a play by play of everything you are doing- sometimes a little mystery goes a long way!

So come on ladies, what turns you off?  Or boys- am I being completely unfair?  Let us know:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Love always,

Farrah فراه
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