Does it Count if its “Just the Tip?”

As Persian girls, we grow up with our parents putting EXTRA pressure on us to remain… innocent… Persian wife material…virgins.  Its no longer about losing it someone you love and care about, its about the gossip that will form around our actions within our Iranian community.  Its about not being able to find a suitable Iranian husband because we opened our legs at one point in our lives (or 2).

But why is it that other girls (the white girlscan be so free about sex and do it when they want without the consequences of being shunned by their family?  And more importantly, what do we Persian girls do instead?  In Iran, many girls use the backdoor (anal- for those of you not witty enough to understand) to maintain “their virginity.”

“Sorry, my future husband has to break my hymen on our wedding night so he won’t divorce me… but you can put it in here instead.”

In the U.S., we aren’t as strictly bounded by the threat that our hymen not breaking on our wedding night will lead to divorce.  Because let’s be real, hymens can break from anything (ex. going horseback riding- not that Iranians really do that anyway, but I rode a few ponies when I was kid…).  Therefore, in an effort to maintain our “virgin status,” some of us stick to “just the tip.”

Don’t worry mom, I didn’t have sex… Just the tip…

But honestly, where’s the fun in that?  Just the tip is equivalent to allowing yourself to having ONE bite of a delicious ice cream sundae when you are on a diet.  And what’s the point of it anyway?  You let the guy put in a tiny bit of his doodool, then you freak out that its going to mean you are having sex and push them away?  And how many tips does it take till it equals a full doodool and you’ve technically “had sex?”  Honestly joonies, its not worth it.  Stick to blow jobs (jk).

OK seriously… Growing up, I really struggled with sex and the varying feelings of guilt I had every time I let a guy in my pants (not that it stopped me, but I could never really look my parents in the eye).  I finally lost my virginity at age 20 to someone I really think I loved (look for that story coming soon).  But, I was never able to be honest about my sex life with my family (obviously) or even the Persian guys I dated.  I feel like so often, I strive to make others perceive me as this innocent, little Persian girl.  When in reality:  I am not a slut… I haven’t slept around… and just because I have had sex doesn’t mean I have done anything wrong and neither have YOU

So for all you ladies out there feeling torn as to what to do… whether or not you should be having sex even though your parents have forbid you to do so, consider this:  Sex is not taboo.  It is not going to cause you to go to hell nor is it going to prevent you from finding the man of your dreams. Sex is fun and feels fucking great (after the 30th time you do it).  But be careful: don’t wear your vagina on your sleeve.  Be tactful and find your own morals to abide by.

Feeling guilty?  Or do you think I’m full o’ shit? Share it with us- we understand what you are going through.

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sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

XO XO,

Farrah فراه
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  1. You’re hyman will only break from a penis or penis like object pushing it. You can’t do it with your fingers, you can’t do it jogging, you can’t do it with a tampon, you can’t do it riding (I have ridden horses for about 20 years, 16 of them I remained a virgin until a man’s penis broke the skin in my vagina. None of my friends or family that ride have ever had it break from a horse… I really can’t see how it’s possible.) And it’s not really like when it breaks you have no idea what is happening. It is usually painful and slightly bloodly. You will have fair warning that you’re tearing skin.

    Don’t be afraid to have fun doing all sorts of crazy activities (non sexual) and remain a biologically proven virgin.

  2. Sorry for the grammatical issues (it’s 3 a.m. on the east coast where I am right now).

  3. I don’t know… I love Sex & Fessenjoon but I guess one of the issues I have is with generalizing what “Persian parents” are supposed to be. My parents are both Persian/Iranian and when I was 14 and I suggested that I wanted to stay a virgin until I was married, they were both mortified, and explained to me how important relations are as a part of getting to know someone and making the right decision about whom ultimately becomes your life partner, because sex isn’t just about sex. I now live with my boyfriend, and even before we moved in together, it was clear that I was having sex because I told my dad about the birth control options I discussed with my doctor. I’m sure there are “white girls” with conservative parents and other Iranians out there like me. Again, I’m a fan, but I do think it’s important to keep these things in mind and not perpetuate the stereotype that Iranian or Middle Eastern parents are automatically going to be conservative. That’s all. But mad love to you, Saaghi and Farrah joonies.

    • Hi Pegah,

      Thank you so much for your comment and your support! I completely agree – I think that NOT every single Persian family is going to be the same or going to have the same experiences because at the end of the day, no matter what stigmas our culture MAY perpetuate – we are all unique individuals.

      With that said, I can only speak from MY own personal experiences and from what I have observed through my surroundings – whether that’s family, my friend’s family, etc. Frankly, I was raised in a certain way that resulted in me being very afraid of sex for a long time and I never really felt like I could open up about it to anyone. And that sucks because I think that if I had been brave enough to start talking about sex with other people, then I would have realized that there are different situations out there that aren’t JUST LIKE MINE. But I didn’t – so yes, I make generalizations based on my experiences – I do not claim to speak on behalf of others. This is a blog and what I publish is going to be based on what my thoughts and experiences are.

      I fully recognize that my experience isn’t going to be the same as yours or as another person’s – but I don’t feel comfortable writing about something that I didn’t get to experience firsthand. Make sense? :)

      This is one reason why I rely on comments like yours to show readers that there are different upbringings and different experiences – and in fact, I encourage you to submit a post (if you wish)! Maybe you could teach me a thing or two too :)

      xo,
      Farrah

      • Hey Farrah jaan,

        Yes, I completely understand and I think it’s really great that you only write from what you know – your experiences – rather than speculating about those of others’. Generalization can go both ways and either extreme would be bad.

        But yeah, just wanted to comment like you said, to put that other perspective and Persian parenting experience out there. And if I ever think of a cool, related topic to write a post about, I may just shoot an email and ask. (I’m in law school so that may be awhile. haha)

        Thanks for your response, girl!

        Warmly,
        Pegah

  4. As Persian girls, we grow up with our parents putting EXTRA pressure on us to remain… innocent… Persian wife material…virgins. Its no longer about losing it someone you love and care about, its about the gossip that will form around our actions within our Iranian community. Its about not being able to find a suitable Iranian husband because we opened our legs at one point in our lives (or 2).

    Why are you portraying Iranians as backward sexual barbarians? Maybe your stupid ass family shunned and shamed you, but 90% of us aren’t like you. Get over it.

    • Hi Babak joon,

      Thank you for comment!

      As I mentioned before – this is a blog and I can only write about what I have experienced myself – I can’t claim to speak on behalf of others. I recognize that Iranians are NOT sexual barbarians and I have in no way made that claim. My generalizations are based on my experiences and my experiences only. I don’t think that any one person can ever speak on behalf of an entire population – those who try are definitely doing something wrong. It takes for a collective group of people with varying experiences to come together and share in order for something to be fair and balanced — which is why we ENCOURAGE guest posts and comments.

      Thanks again for reading and I hope to see more of your comments in the future. But please – keep your disrespect away from my family.

      xo,
      Farrah

  5. Siavash says:

    As an Iranian who has grown up till his twenties, I don’t care if someone I’m dating is not a virgin, but it’s rather fidelity that matters to me and, of course, I wouldnt date someone who’s been sleeping around! Please be honest, it’s not something that you dont get hitched, particularly in the States where Persians are way more open-minded!

  6. Anonymous says:

    I accidentally put my comment in an older post from 2012. It was meant for this post. So am re-submitting here:

    Look, I really like you guys overall, but think the problem that keeps arising is that you guys do massive generalizations about Iranian-Americans. While some Iranian-Americans (‘Persians’) might face these types of pressures (such as the Madonna/Whore complex you refer to), all of them most certainly do not. And if they do suffer from it as a result of pressure from their parents, it is not necessarily because they or their parents are ‘Persians.’ I grew up going to Catholic school and can tell you that some of my American and Latin American Catholic friends (and some of my close American Jewish friends) also dealt with issues like this. But MOST of my classmates and friends *did not.* I also have a best friend born and raised inside Iran– not an American– who is quite liberal and open-minded about her sexuality and came from a family who never pressured or judged her for it. I am sure other readers can add tons of other examples. It would be responsible on your part, as writers/bloggers, to add some nuance to your discussions.

    I, for one, have not had to deal with anything even remotely like your last post – and I am a ‘Persian’ woman. So please be responsible writers and make sure to make it clear to readers that what you are writing about as ‘Persian’ women is based on either YOUR personal experiences or based on the experiences of people you know or have spoken with/interviewed. Don’t lump us all into one monolithic whole. Because I was blessed with some awesome, open-minded parents who did not put me through these massive and sometimes negative generalizations you often write about. And rest assured, there are certainly other young ‘Persian’ (i.e. Iranian-American or dual-national) women who had an experience that has been similar to mine, and not yours, who would not appreciate being stereotyped in the way that you are doing. A lot of non-Iranian readers read your blog and will take it as a wholly correct source of information in spite of your stereotypes, and it is not fair to the group you claim to wholly represent (i.e. women like myself) that you be that main source of information, when you take no pains to add context

  7. OMG. Farrah!
    Can I just say a huge THANK YOU!!
    I am 21 and recently got drunk with my friend at a bar club thing, and though I am thankful I brought back home probably the sweetest guy, we came back (had some hookah ha ha ha) and then well, we hooked up and I pushed the tip in with my hand, then he pulled out and we cuddled and it was a little fuzzy but I am sure its just the tip because I clearly remember my hand protecting the rest from getting in… also no pain. I have been half relieved like OH ok… well I had a little taste of sex.. MOMMM its not such a big deal!!! And listening to “its my life!” by no doubt and other similiar songs for the past few days :p
    but also going through a I want moreee phase.. and also going through a wtf why did that happen…
    He wants to hangout a lot and is really into me which is nice and hes cute which makes things better, maybe the future he will be more than a one night thing and we will have a funny story of how we met, and maybe not. But this article did give me some solace and peace and some other articles about how the tip doesn’t count as sex haha
    BUT I am more open to it. I honestly had decided to never do it.. just so scary…
    My cousin openly talks of it, and the way my mom looks at her is just horrifying. Anyway. I will probably lose it soon, though I really wish I could be in love first!!! Dream boy come sweep meeee.
    Mercedeh
    xo

  8. Badbachti behsuzeh! Live your life as you know best. You have a mind and a body, use it as you see fit. Maintain your manners, dignity and class. Whatever you do and don’t do, you have 1 life to live, and the things you do and don’t experience with them will mold you into the person that you are. There will always be social and family pressures, but they should not rule your life. Be smart, be safe, and be who you are; no one else will be the biggest judge of your actions, joys – pleasures and heartaches than yourself.

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