I Don’t Give a F#ck About Your Sadness

Hey joonie joons,

Have you ever been on a date with a guy who just talks… and talks… and talks… and an hour drags by, and not only have you COMPLETELY lost your appetite (which isn’t normal for you) but he probably hasn’t asked a single question about YOU.

You just kinda sit there looking bored as fuck yet… he still doesn’t get the hint AND KEEPS ON YAPPING about who the fuck knows what– all you hear is “Yeah I’m awesome… bla … bla… please take this stick out of my ass,” when really he’s probably saying something more like, “Yeah I’m awesome… because this one time at band camp…”

Can I switch my date to the guy sitting over there?

What is it with guys these days?  They either call you because they want to tell you about all the great things going on in their lives… or they hang out with you because they just like to hear themselves talk.  Self absorbed with a side of cocky?  YEP.  Excuse my bluntness: but… I’m annoyed.  

*disclaimer: I am fully aware that not every guy is like this.

um I’m about to shoot myself in the face now, thanks

Remember those days when guys used to complain that women talk for hours on end and only text them when we need something?  OVER.

I have a theory:

 As women start to become successful, men feel the need to overcompensate.

Case in Point:

My last boyfriend was a great guy- on the outside.  He had his Master’s degree (in something unusual), we had the same interests, and his Farsi was great (is it just me or is that really hot).  Then one day, I started noticing that he would change the subject when I would mention something exciting that happened to me.  I didn’t brag… I was just excited to share it with someone that I cared about, and thought the feeling was mutual.

Then BAM out of the blue, he broke up with me the night before I started my first grown-up job.  Why?  Because I got a job before he did.  (GROSS)

Now, as we try to be friends, he only contacts me when he wants to say something about himself.

For example: “I did this today!” or “I got this opportunity today!” ME… ME… ME… Umm hi, I’m a person too- thanks for remembering.

In order  for a friendship to work- BOTH people must be engaged- you want to share your stories… and you should ask to hear theirs, no matter how insignificant it is to you.

In order for a relationship to work, BOTH people must support each other- no matter what punches life throws your way.

No one wants to deal with a guy who is going to act like this:

… AAAND I’m over it

Talk about the ultimate turn-OFF.

I understand that need –> the need to prove you’re not a total fuck up.  But keep the sharing to a minimum.  Just like guys, girls like a little mystery too.  Plus, we can usually tell within the first 10 seconds of talking to you whether you’re really a fuck-up or just having a difficult time.

The more you seem interested in us, the more we will be interested in you.  

Only people like Snooki believe this… DON’T be a Snooki

Joonies: take it from someone who learned the hard way– don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t secure enough to handle your successes.  At the end of the day, it will feel so much better when you find someone that does.

Its kinda like the song: You’re so vain.  You probably think this “post” is about you, don’t you? 

Sorry but, not everything is about YOU so do us a favor, and GET OVER YOURSELF. 

Disagree?  Am I the one that needs to get over myself or do I just suck at picking the “right” guys

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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Always keepin’ it real,

FARRAH فراه


Inked Up and Thugged OUT

Hey joonjoons,

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend… full of hotties (non-creepers, please), booze (jk…kinda) and good friends.

Now let’s get started.

Growing up in the Persian community, we are all expected to conform to a certain mold.  Straight-A student, musically gifted, active on campus and in the community, etc.  BOOOORING- I practically fell asleep writing that.

Unfortunately, that’s not all.  

In addition to being the perfect student/kid, we have to look good too.  Looking “good” doesn’t mean we have to be beautiful because let’s be real- we are probably some of the ugliest kids when it comes to puberty.  But I mean, clean cut: no Justin Bieber haircut for the boys, and the girls should always look “neat-” nice clothing, brushed hair, think L.A. Persian girls with their constantly manicured hands, fancy haircuts (but not as extreme).

God forbid, we grow up and get an “edgy” haircut.  Disowned?  Absolutely.  Piercings? We all get our first hole in our ears by age 2, but anything beyond that? NOPE.  Tattoos? FIRED… GONE… EXCOMMUNICATED… NO LONGER PERSIAN.

I may be banned from my family, but AT LEAST I’m still “unique”

I never really fit in with the other Persian kids that ran in my parent’s circles.  I was always the outsider… the one who didn’t want to be a part of the gossip group (SHOCKING I know…) or the one who had NO intent to follow in the typical Persian career path (sorrydaddy). Personally, I think it was because they were all spoiled bitches who rode up and down in their HOUSE ELEVATORS but I’ll get to the point…

Not that this ever stopped my parents from trying to change me.  I always had to perform at the Persian get togethers- whether it was reciting a Hafez poem I didn’t understand or playing piano like I was some kind of amateur musician, when really- I probably just looked like some douchebag.  So come my 18th birthday, I decided to rebel in the most drastic way possible (and no, blow jobs didn’t cut it).  

I got a tattoo.   

I picked it out of the book at the tattoo parlor (very original) and decided to get it on my lower hip (second place prize for tramp stamp).  And I vowed to keep it a secret from my parents FOREVER.  Until one year… we took a family trip to sunny, beautiful, SWIMSUIT required, Mexico.

Coulda been worse Dad…

Throughout the trip, I made DAMN sure my swimsuit covered my tiny tattoo.  Then one day when I was chillin’ at the pool by myself, my dad snuck up behind me and YELLED, “FARRAH, WHAT IS THAT?!!?!?!?!?!?!” I quickly pulled my swimsuit up, said it was henna, and immediately dived into the pool to avoid the slap I could see coming toward my face.

At this point what’s done is done- what can he really do? …Besides leave my ass in Mexico for eternity.

He came up to me that night and said, “Farrah… if you ever want to get a tattoo again, you have to come talk to me first.”  SO OPEN-MINDED, RIGHT?! Then he continued, “You come talk to me… and I vill say NO.”

Um … so what’s the point?

Guess what Daddy :)  I have gotten two more tattoos since.  Horrified of the day that you will see them- but these tattoos actually MEAN something to me.  It is a symbol of my INDIVIDUALITY and I really don’t give a shit what any Persians want to say about it.  (except you… please don’t disown me).

#wisdom

Our culture requires us to be good, pure and marriage material.  We are defined by our culture the second we are born: MUST be successful, MUST cook, MUST MUST MUST MUST- shiiiit my HUSBAND IS GONNA COOK FOR ME.  jk- I’ll leave the harsh realizations my father will eventually face to a minimum… for now.  But why am I no longer deemed “marriage material” by my father or my grandmother just because I have several tattoos that aren’t even visible with clothes ON?!  I should only be considered “un-marriage-able” if I become a stripper (not happening) or look like this:

Heart attack waiting to happen

Let’s be honest.  The only “thing” my tattoos make me… is a THUG (in the most rewarding way possible).  And joonies- we are ALL thuggish in one way or another.  Whether its through our physical appearance- creative haircuts, body art, etc. or simply through our interests: books, astrology (lies), or even comic books.  Our interests define our individuality and we should never be reprimanded for what we like.

I’ll admit, I will never get a huge tattoo that can’t be covered with a t-shirt, but I will never regret the decisions I’ve made because they have all played an integral role in making me into the person I am today– and NEITHER SHOULD YOU.  

Should I be banned from ALL THINGS PERSIAN?!

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

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THUGLYFE,

Farrah فراه

I’m in LA BITCH

Happy Friday joonyjoons! We’re bringing you a nice dose of comedy today, courtesy of our favorite Iranians-that-give-us-a-bad-name, Iroonie LA. Thanks to Zedbazi (Persian rap group), we can now provide you with a song that sums up the LA Iranian rather well. And if your Farsi is “not so good”,  just enjoy the music– and read the rest of this post :) NOW we know not all Iranians living in L.A. are the same, but as the old Persian proverb goes: ta nabashad chizaky, mardom nagooyand chizha TRANSLATION: a truth to every rumor. (Farsi Lesson of the Day).  Let’s get started:

PERSIAN SATELLITE

I would rather listen to my parents lecture me for 48 HOURS STRAIGHT, then watch one of the shows on these channels (PARS, TAPESH, ITN, IPN, KOOFT, ZAHREMAR TV).

Quality= 0. Substance= 0. Entertainment= 100. On Persian satellite you will find the following: washed-out Iranian singers with WAYY too much collagen injected into their face, FAKE DOCTORS selling herbal shit or giving out weird ass advice to creepy callers, disgruntled old guys complaining about something political and PRETENDING to promote freedom for Iran while taking donations

That’s enough out of you guys, you’re just as fake as the backgrounds you green-screen.

Iranian TV in IRAN does a better job, and they’re controlled by this guy:

LOOK its a buff Ahmadinejad

PERSIAN POP MUSIC: As we mentioned before, modern-day  L.A. Persian Pop singers have less of a vocal talent, and more of a plastic surgery addiction.

we actually feel bad for you, is this your gimmick?

 But aside from going under the knife, they get really creative with their music videos & lyrics. Here’s our favorite, Sharareh arrives at LAX and breaks out into song:

“ta shodim FACE 2 FACE, very very good shod halam”

For those that don’t understand, consider yourselves blessed.

If LAX was a person, they’d kill themselves after hearing this song.

Also, I’m sorry for anyone if their mother dresses like the torshideh mail-order-bride singing in this music video.  And I know some people still love KamranHooman and Black Cats– but really, would you brag about them to your Non-Iranian friends? I don’t think so. How do you explain the fact that those two guys look more like girls? (they’re not Hichkas… that’s for sure)

TEHRANGELES FOLK

Pictures really are worth 1000 words aren’t they?

Just imagine dating one of these boys- they care MORE about what they look like than you do.  Alone time?  Forget it.  Even on the car rides home (obviously in their BM’Veh’s), you will be forced to endure shitty techno music…And the SEX?! Why do guys who spend more time on their hair NEVER know how to please a woman?

Oh right… it’s because they’re trying to look at their own reflection (shadow… mirror…) to give a rat’s ass about how the girl is doing.

Ughhh…

I believe Zedbazi said it best:

Tehrangeles, Are you really jealous that you can’t come to Tehran?

Wouldn’t you agree joonies?  And LA beezies- you’re definitely not off the hook with your designer shoes & “boobi amali” (fake breasts).  There is just TOO MUCH to say- we’ll be dedicating a post to you soon enough. In the meantime:

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sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

XX,

THE S&F TEAM

Time to crash the Pity Party

Hey joonjoons,

Welcome to bitch-sesh.

For some of us (the lucky ones) the topic of marriage isn’t even mentioned in our household until after high school. Unless of course, you visit your grandmother in Iran and you have a new khastegar (suitor) every week… um sorry but that should really be called, “Hi, I’d like to use you for your visa.”

US-Visa11-167924-173758-640x480.jpg

Regardless, for many of us- the best accomplishment we can achieve is not attending law school or medical school (that’s for the boys, didn’t you know?), but it’s to FIND a husband that IS in medical/law school. Someone who can take care of us while we stay at home or work part time (don’t forget, bachelor’s degree is still required)… AND take care of the precious children… AND have some type of delicious khoresht on the table when our money-making hubby gets home from work (yumm Fessenjoon).

This is where my family is different. Obviously, they put a huge emphasis on family — because that’s just how every Iranian rolls. But I was taught to be independent: go to school, get a job, go to grad school, be self sustainable ALL before getting married.

So you can imagine my surprise when all of my college friends (literally… 5/8 from our former drunk ass group) ended up getting married in their early 20s (shocker: none of them are Iranian). Don’t get me wrong- I was more than happy for them because that is what they wanted.

Until one says, “AWW don’t worry Farrah, you’ll find someone soon too.”

Excuse me? I’m sorry, but I didn’t realize that I had some sticker on my forehead that reads, “NEED. HUSBAND. NOW.”

Marriage, let alone having KIDS?! I’m good off that (for now), thank you. I’m still selfish enough where I don’t want to have to make compromises because of my family. I want to pursue my goals without the guilt of missing my daughter’s school play. (UGH- “my daughter-“ even that sounds gross).

Fact of the matter is, everyone is different. We all have different beliefs and needs. Whether I CHOOSE to get married now or later is MYdecision and I don’t deserve to be treated differently because of it.

Married people- whether they are Persian, White, Black- WHATEVER, instantly think that single people have this perpetual curse: “Oh she’s 25 and single?! Hmm badbakht…” They give you that so called “symPATHETIC” look when you say that you are in your TWENTIES and single.

img_1476638_32949526_2?1161960436

Now that’s not a pretty picture.

.

“NO BITCH- IT’S MY CHOICE… I CHOOSE TO STAY SINGLE (or un-married) because I have OTHER priorities in my life.”

Since when did being self sustainable become SECONDARY to marriage? It definitely isn’t for men… and that just isn’t the way it should be for YOUNG WOMEN.

And boys- I bet you’re reading this thinking “girls are crazy when it comes to marriage” but we all know the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You know that as your friends start to get married, you panic too because let’s be real- no one wants to be that creepy 35 year old in the club sleazing on the young girls.

So to all you married beezies out there- I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU that you were able to find someone that not only, SUPPORTS but motivates you to be the best that you can be.

Truly, that’s a gift, but so is my job.

tumblr_lkckapU1vn1qe31xzo1_500.jpg

Thanks gaga, for keeping it real.

But while you think you have your life figured out- just remember that I AM NOT YOU- so save the fucking pity party invite.

And hey- worst case scenario- if I’m 40 (yes 40… not 25… or 35) and SINGLE, then all I gotta do is hit up my native country (Iran) and I’ll have my husband faster than you can count to 25 ;)

Are you single & proud? Or are you waiting for mr. right?

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sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Single and Fabulously yours,

Farrah فراه

We gettin’ ARAB MONEY $

Hola joonies. We’re about to make some of you very mad. (boys—lookin at you!)

So if you weren’t aware before, Iranians have this hate-hate relationship with Arabs. To all the white people reading, no we’re not all the same thing.  Different religion, different cultures, VERY different political agendas.

Obama bows to Saudi King

It’s a broad spectrum:

- The Iranians that strongly hate Arabs: they believe the Arabs were conniving conquerors, impregnating our beloved Iran with Islam and so bringing on allll the present trouble we face today (ISLAMIC REPUBLIC of Iran)

- The Iranians that mildly hate Arabs: because of the Sunni/Shiite divide, and/or cultural differences “Arab-hayeh malakh-khor” =  Grasshopper eating Arabs.

- The Iranians that just hate Arabs, because…well habit.

Luckily, I grew up in a non-racist household (SORT OF) or my parents just forgot to teach me how to hate Arabs.

I actually love everything about them. Their language, their music, and of course, their MEN!

When it comes to men, Arabs are just MONEY

And you can consider this video the theme song of this post:


(and for all those who are going to complain about the use of quranic verses in this video—from one muslim to another, calm down and be glad they’re in a Busta video and not AlQaeda’s)

In the game of Arab men vs. Iranian men, I’m sorry to say Arabs WIN. It is not really about net worth, they’re not all wealthy– they just have unbelievable swagger. Most Persian guys just look feminine compared to Arab guys. Maybe its that our ancestors were chillin’ in palaces (see: PERSEPOLIS), and Arab’s were surviving the not-so-friendly climate of the desert and figuring out tribal warfare. Maybe that’s when they started to win.

Arabs on camels.

Or maybe, its that Iranians love to pretend they are aristocratic and refined (how many of you were forced to learn FRENCH?), and Arabs don’t mind being diiirttyyy (if you know what I mean) and…well, Arab.

why are their men touching him?

The hottest Persian guy could pass for a girl.

Whatever it is, I personally LOVE it. And if any girl has dated/seen enough Arab guys, they’ll agree with me. And obviously, they have a huge advantage- there are SO many of them: Egyptians, Lebanese, Syrians, Algerians, Morroccans…etc (what’s your favorite flavor ;)?

I remember my earliest crush was on my Lebanese Sunday School teacher, Mr. Al. He had green eyes and brown hair, and was a great distraction from all the BS I had to listen to. It was very unfortunate that he was married with children.

When I was 18, almost immediately after dating an Iranian guy, I started dating a Lebanese guy. It was wonderful. The Arab didn’t complain, he didn’t talk about his MOM, and he didn’t do his eyebrows. He had a take it or leave it personality and he got shit done, and it was such a TURN ON. Even though he wasn’t as good looking as my Persian ex, he was so much SEXIER. I wanted to undress him everytime he walked in the room.

I’m sure there are great Persian guys out there- but you’re all downright INSECURE. Is my nose too big? Are my eyebrows arched enough? Is my doodool too small? Am I too hairy? Look, only girls get to be that insecure– and even then its fucking foolish. Arabs wear their traditional garb, they speak Arabic like they’re about to choke on something, and they grow moustaches and beards– and they OWN it. When’s the last time you saw a Persian guy flashing his lebaseh mahali (traditional village outfit) instead of his Mercedes and Prada?

If Arabs worry about this stuff, they’re good at hiding it because you don’t see them walking around looking like this:

Instead you have this: (soccer players, heirs, and princes- take your pick!)

yeah zidane’s arab.

Hariri, one of the world’s youngest billionaires

Hamdan, Prince of Dubai

How Do I love Arab $$$ ? Let me count the ways:

1. Bad Boys: They are the Persian girl’s bad boy. Siyaah’s (black guys) are the forbidden fruit, but Arabs are the snake. Your parents will not approve of the Arab, and that makes them that much more desirable. When it comes to white and black guys, some may lack flavor and culture– so Arab guys are the next best thing.

2. Aggressive: Like I said, they’re not afraid of getting down and dirty. Arabs are the Russians of the Middle East, and Iranians are the French.

3. The way they treat women: Wherever your Arab man is from, you can expect him to be 100% jealous and possessive at all times– and us persian girls, we LOVE that. Deny it all you want, but deep down- if you’re man doesn’t care where you are and who you’re with, you think something’s deeply wrong.

I’m prepared to take the hatemail for this – I’m expecting some really awesome emails. and hey, I’ll even post some of them :) so feel free to defend yourselves, persian boys.

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

LOVE YOU HABIBIS,

saaghi  ساقی

Why am I Such a Bitch?

Hello world, Hello 2012.

Our first post in the new year: the year the world will end before Obama can get re-elected. Got any good resolutions? or NYE stories? shareshareshare with us!

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Now without further ado, onto tonight’s topic!

Growing up, I always saw myself as the underdog- I was never the pretty girl (puberty held me back), I wasn’t the smartest (sorry dad) and I was never MVP of any athletic sport I participated in. I pictured myself as such an innocent bystander, because most of the time, I was.

In middle school, I volunteered at my public library and tutored kids with learning disabilities. In high school, I logged more than 250 hours of community service and made honor roll.

Then, later in my college years, I realized, hey, I’m actually not such a nice person. 

Actually, I’m kind of a bitch.

I remember the first time someone called me the b word– in that nice joking way people try to be honest–“omg, hahaha you’re such a bitch!” and I was so offended, It went against everything I believed in for myself.  I’m a nice girl- I thought, “but I haven’t done anything, other than say what’s on my mind.”

Then it all made sense- being a bitch was a good thing. It means I have the balls to say what’s real. What’s true.

Maybe in my 20′s, I’m more vocal than I was in my teenage years but overall, I’ve always had a pretty bad bitch mentality. I’m sorry I see things as they are.

If you don’t own a mirror and walk out of your house, I SEE THAT BECAUSE I HAVE EYES and I AM SORRY ABOUT IT. If you make stupid decisions, I WILL CALL YOU OUT ON IT because I HAVE HALF A BRAIN. And finally, if you call me a bitch, it means you just couldn’t handle THE TRUTH.

Now, I’m not saying HONESTY is always the best policy, but I really believe that as humans, our first instinct is to tell the truth. Our second is to lie. I know most of the time, it is to prevent people’s feelings from getting hurt but have you ever thought you’re doing more harm then good?

Exhibit A.

I know when I wear a dress after ALLL that holiday feasting, I’m not going to look my best. Yet my friends (MY METH remember?) insist I look GREAT- AMAZING- BEAUTIFUL.  And I buy into it, because I want to believe eating a lot of food will not change anything.

See when you LIE to me, friends, it makes it easier for me to stay fat. SO STOP.

Exhibit B.

When your friend asks you if a guy is interested in her, when clearly he’s not– you usually give into your second instinct and lie. Now your friend is the desperate loser, investing her time and emotions, waiting on a call/text/message, and you’re the person who PUT HER THERE.

So stop.

I think I’ve proven my point a little bit- that being a bitch is actually about being nicer to the people you care about. And I’m sure we’ve all heard of the book- WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES- and its true. I can sum it up for you right now so you can save $24.95 and time:

Men like women who prioritize themselves, aren’t afraid of losing them, and don’t put up with their bullshit.

Basically, men like women who PMS 24/7

because that means there’ll always be a chase.

So are you sold yet? Are you gonna start speaking your mind?

Don’t decide just yet.

It’s a thin line between Bitch and BULLY. And you don’t want to cross it. Because I have– and it is not so pleasant on the other side.

People respect bitches, People hate bullies.

My freshman year, I had an AWFUL living situation. I roomed with two other girls, who I had nothing in common with– one was from some farmtown, the other had parents who had matching mullets (I am such a bitch, arent I?)

i wish i was kidding.

Anyway, it was a long year, one of the girls turned out to be one of those clingy roomies that wanted to be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.  Unfortunately, it just wasn’t going to happen- she needed to be on meds and I needed to get out of there. When she realized I was not trying to be anything more than roommates with her– she went BATSHITCRAZY>>

She would play the soundtrack to Alvin & the Chipmunks while I’d be studying in the room on full blast.

She claimed she was allergic to my perfume (WHO THE FUCK IS ALLERGIC TO DOLCE&GABBANA?) — so I had to go outside to spray myself, even though for 6 months she had been fine.

She would NEVER LEAVE THE ROOM.

image

So, sh!t hit the fan and I moved out. And when I did, everyone who knew the situation was on my side. They thought she was absolutely insane. And this got to my head a little. Instead of moving on, I decided I’d make her life hell. Why? Because I could. It started out pretty mild, my friends and I’d just laugh or say something insulting when she’d walk by — then I went a little crazy, and accidentally spilled milk on her one morning, in the dining hall. I started laughing as I walked away, expecting her to storm over and scream at me or something. But she didn’t.

She just cried.

And that’s when I became the bully, and she became the victim. That’s when no one took my side.

Sometime’s being a bitch can give you a power complex, and that’s when its NOT about honesty anymore, it’s just about hurting.

Just because you have the balls to do & say things other usually can’t, does not give you the right to overpower them.

So I’ll end off on this joonies…

I am a bitch because I value honesty over false compliments and flattery. NOT because I take pride in hurting others. Let your inner bitch out because the witch needs to breath, but keep a leash on her!

I really need some of these cards.

Any Bitch/Bully Stories to share?

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sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

your favorite bitch,

saaghi  ساقی
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