That’s Why You Mad.

JOOOOONS.

Have you stalked me  yet? Maybe you will after this post…or maybe, you’ll just hate me.

I usually have a theme song when I write, and occasionally (when its not too embarassing) I share the song. Remember Arab MONEY $? Well, here’s another one that you should nod your head and read to:

Ever meet those girls who say they don’t have a lot of girlfriends? The ones not addicted to Meth?

Well, I dont fcking trust them. Don’t get me wrong, not all girls with male friends outnumbering female ones are shady/sketch– they usually fall into two categories:

Category 1: (the minority) The guy’s girl. They actually love sports and watch the games, not as an excuse to wear slutty team gear–but because it matters to them. They prefer getting down and dirty, they’re not vain, and they’re real. Cameron Diaz is the hottest Category 1 I have ever seen. Burping competitions anyone?

and as for the majority of them…drum roll please!

Category 2: The Attention Whores (A.W.) They like anything that will get them attention from men, even if it means wearing/saying/doing the most ridiculous things. Some are more obvious than others, but these species are easily spotted by other females. Males? Well, they’re slower to catch on, and sometimes they fall into the web– but inevitably, they head for the hills too.

I’ve had a lot of Category 2′s in my life, unfortunately. I finally learned my lesson on how to ID them and  just STAY the eff AWAY because they tend to want to project their insecurities onto the people they’re around (and thats a problem).

If you’re still wondering what an A.W. is, or have never (or think you’ve never) had one in your life, let me break it down for you:

They are girls who suffer from the Sheep/Wolf Complex. They’re the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

Sheep are cuddly. wolves are not.

When its just you and them, or just the girls in an isolated situation, they’re sheep like the rest of us. They’re fun, they’re real…they’re your friend. Then there’s the social situations: the party, the mehmooni, the club, classroom, workplace, etc –> and they betray their true nature.

In the public view, the claws come out. And they’re ravenous- they want to tear apart ALL THE SHEEP.

I’m serious, its like they only see red. You’re no longer a person, just competition for attention– in the way of their glory. And it seems, if they’re your FRIEND– they want to murder you even more.  Ever had a friend

who makes underhanded comments toward you in social situations?

Seems to call dibs on every guy in the room?

And BLATANTLY flirts with anything that has a penis? 

There are no boundaries, and sometimes you cringe out of embarassment for them. It doesn’t seem to matter if he’s available or not, if he’s ugly/hot, or your friend or a stranger- they want to revel in the spotlight.

  What causes a girl to become such a meth-hater? And why does she end up with no girlfriends?

1. She’s very insecure and jealous. We are all insecure and envious, its human nature. But some people can’t control their green-eyed monsters and how inferior they feel. I had a friend who couldn’t handle not being the hottest girl in the room. Could you imagine that type of anxiety/stress?

Being so conscious of your surroundings and how people perceive you is more a curse than anything else.

2. She enjoys competition. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy game of one-on-one, but keep it on the fucking courts man. All that is social does not need to be WARFARE. When we go to a bar, don’t hijack the guys I’m talking to because you want to prove you’re better than me. Don’t throw yourself at men, because you want to prove you can get more attention than me.

Because all I’m going to do is walk away. I don’t play those games. You’re not better than me, you’re just pathetic.

This is how A.W.’s lose all their girlfriends.

3. She has to validate herself, externally. What do I mean by this? Its the same as insecurity but more of an active insecurity. She looks in the mirror, and feels empty FOR SOME REASON. and she looks to fill that emptiness using her surroundings- instead of attempting to understand why she’s empty in the first place. One of my friends was clearly so lost in her crisis of ‘what are you gonna do with that?‘ she just constantly relied on her attention-whoring ways to make her feel better. (cough-daddyissuesUP THE ASS cough)

I guess the philosophy behind that is,

I have nothing else going on that’s worth any attention?

Feel like I’m being harsh? In my defense, I’ve spent years with wolves, of all breeds. Some Persian, some not, some ugly, and some pretty– but all very lost, insecure, and toxic. And this affected me and my life– you see, your baggage and your problems are all YOUR BUSINESS until they begin to affect ME. Then its my business to either help you, or get the fuck away.

and I’m not an A.W.

But the only person that can help an attention whore is the whore herself.

I tried for a long time to help my friend, especially because I thought that if I showed her how negatively it was perceived by others it would hit a sore spot for her, and she’d change. But no, shit was waayy too twisted.

“Saaghi, I would want your boyfriend to think I’m hot” 

“OMG, I don’t understand why he’s so interested in me!” (um. Is flirting not a signal of interest? Or did I miss something here?)

“I have like no girlfriends, they’re just too catty for me. I get along with guys better.”

OH. So GIRLS are too catty for YOU? Its not you who hits on their boyfriends that has a problem?….Got it.

If it was just the comments, I would be able to deal because I tend to tune stupid sh!t out anyway… but a person who can’t be happy on her own, will DEFINITELY never be happy for you. So sharing the ‘good parts’ of your life? FORGET IT. Evil-eye galore joonies. At the end of the day, its like this:

I’m sorry my dad actually loves me.

I’m sorry that time with my girlfriends actually fulfills me.

And I’m really sorry I’m not so insecure, that I need to overcompensate and over-validate. Is that why you mad?

So, if you can identify some A.W.’s in your life, RUN. Don’t look back, just RUN. If you don’t, your relationship will become so anxiety ridden, and resentful- you’ll even begin to question your own identity (take it from me). Don’t do this to yourself. At some point, you gotta wash your hands clean, and let them deal with their self-esteem issues on their own.

Don’t stoop to their level and compete with them.

Even if it comes down to a guy you both like, don’t fall into the black hole and (God forbid) turn into an A.W. Because once the dust settles and the spark of flirting is gone, all that’s left is respect…and no guy respects an attention whore.

They’re just for playtime. ;)

So as for your attention-whoring career? Dead. GHOSTBUSTER.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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Follow me on Twitter because you can @Saaghi_Joon

Spittin Wisdom,

saaghi  ساقی

Welcome to the Internet Where the Creepers Play

Hey jooooons,

Enough of this future talk.  You only live once right? #YOLO.

(jk– take care of your shit).

Shots shots shots!

Let’s get right to it.  Where do you meet guys?  At work?  In your apartment building?

WISDOM: DON’T SHIT WHERE YOU SLEEP.

#TRUESTORY

Basically, we’re expected to meet our “soul mates” at bars? Umm house parties? Through friends?  Right.  Luckily for us, we have a new hook-up.  We don’t have to resort to talking to creepers at bars anymore because NOW we have online dating sites that promise to hook us up with our future husband/wife in just a few clicks!

Click for loooove

Of course, back in the day– online dating sites were OVERFILLED with negative stigmas:

- Everyone is desperate.

- They all lie about their age, what they look like, and their career.

- You never know if you’re talking to a rapist.

BUZZ KILL OVERLOAD. 

But then, something changed.  Dating websites like OKCupid and Match became popular.  So much that even some of my FRIENDS started admitting that they met their boyfriends or their WIVES on an online site.

My initial reaction:

BUT THEY’RE ALL CHILD MOLESTERS?!!?! … and FAT!!! 

Then I realized, everyone is doing it.  And so the fuck what?  If you really think about it, meeting someone online is ALMOST the same as giving your number to a RANDO at the bar, forgetting his name/what he looks like, and then meeting up with him the next weekend.

And what surprised me even more is that the people around me actually fell in love with the person they met on their respective dating website.  So I signed up and even went on a few dates. What’s the worst that could happen? FREE FOOD BABY! #I’mAFattie.

Plus, I’d heard good things about one particular website (its free) and I wasn’t exactly down to pay for an “experiment.”

Dating websites are for EVERYONE

I made a profile and waited. And here is what I was greeted with:

Message 1: “If you let me give you foot massages, I will take you out to dinners and buy you nice dresses.”

WTF.

Message 2: “I like your eyes… especially the right one.”

OMG YOU’RE SO FUNNY- LET’S DATE NOW! Not.  

Then I was hit with THIS message: “I wanna call you Stacey, but that’s not your name!!” No shit homie- my profile says I’M MIDDLE EASTERN.

I could go on forever with the amount of weird, creepy, GUYSJUSTDON’THAVEGAME messages I got… but I feel like that would take up the ENTIRE post so I’ll leave you with my favorite (from a PERSIAN): “I’m Persian too, can we chat on Yahoo messenger?” #FOB.  It all comes down to this:

Creepers are EVERYWHERE.

And when they’re not sending you weird messages, they’re checking your profile repeatedly without SAYING ANYTHING, or they ARE sending you messages but they don’t have a photo so you have NO idea what this person could even look like.  And that’s just weird.  Don’t message me if you’re not going to show me what you look like.  Hey– I put up MY real photo :)

But my point is that creepers aren’t just online.  They’re at work… at the bar… at your girlfriend’s house.  You just have to be smart enough to be able to detect Homie CRAYCRAY. Which I thought I was.

My First Online Date:

It happened to be with a Persian guy.  No, NOT Mr. I’m Still on Yahoo Messenger, but some guy getting his Master’s and working full-time, filming documentaries on the side… Sounded very promising.  We met up— added bonus: he was actually attractive.  He wined and dined me– took me to expensive restaurants, nice bars, spent money on me.  It was really nice– if I were a Grade A LA Persian girl.  Honestly,  I’d rather just grab a pizza and get to know YOU not your money.

FAIL.

Plus, I really couldn’t imagine having sex with him.

DOUBLE FAIL.

This was not going to be us

The biggest factor in deciding not to continue seeing him … there were SO many other guys that were messaging me that Persian just seemed like one of MANY FISH IN THE SEA.  And I wasn’t quite ready to reel it in JUST YET.  I stopped responding (BitchModeActivated) and went ON TO THE NEXT.

Let’s call him Desperation.

Desperation was a white guy– mid-Western (I don’t know why they all come to the East Coast, but damn they’re hot).  He was funny and he planned fun dates.  We went out and got burgers, went to museums, laughed, played in the snow.  It was fun.

Until I bailed out on him one weekend.  My friend needed me to “wing-woman” (did NOT tell him that) and LET’S BE REAL- I’m not choosing some RANDOM over my homegirl… EVER because I need my METH.  I tried to make it up to him by inviting him to dinner the next night when he responded, “Honestly, I’m a little skeptical after you couldn’t make it the other night.  I get the impression we’re interested in different things.  It doesn’t make sense to me to continue things if we are looking for different things.”

I’m sorry- I didn’t realize you were a MIND READER or maybe I’m just that TRANSPARENT that you just KNOW what I’m thinking after two dates.  

RED FLAG. 

I just don’t date psychos, sorry!

Unfortunately, his text message didn’t end our online courtship.  He needed to have a discussion with me about why it didn’t work.  LOVE THAT.  (sarcasm)

You really can’t tell much about a dating website from TWO people.  It just doesn’t work like that and I realize that you have to date a variety of guys before you meet someone you connect with.  You have to kiss a whole lot of frogs before finding someone worthy.  

Online dating sites help direct your search.  It provides you with the platform to meet people with similar interests AND it allows for a semi-accurate screening process.  You can weed out most of the crazies by just one glance.  NOT something we can always do at a bar.

But this is what I found out– while I think that dating websites really are a GREAT tool in getting out there and meeting new people, they’re like a buffet.

You have so many choices, you just can’t settle on one item and stick with it.  You’re constantly wondering what/who else is out there and you keep going back for seconds (and thirds).

Take Mr. Desperation- the SECOND he thought things weren’t working out, he was ready to move on to the next online profile.  That’s a problem.

 So will I continue my “experiment?”  Probably not.  But don’t let ME discourage you. Its just not for me… BUT, online dating makes it slightly easier to meet guys.  And we can always use new friends… PLUS- how many of us have hooked up from someone we chatted with a few times via Facebook?  Don’t lie.

Unless they message you with something like this:

“I’m not even hitting on you: It is so refreshing to see a Middle Eastern girl that isn’t obese. If you’re ever on a guy’s  profile please search Middle Eastern females and you’ll see what I mean.”

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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Follow me on Twitter because you loooove me @Farrah_Joon

Cheers to only being “obese” on the inside,

FARRAH فرح

So, What are you going to do with THAT?

Joonies.

I was going to write this post about attention whoring Persian girls. But instead I want to focus my efforts on an issue, even more painful than that (can you imagine?)

The Future.

No, not ‘the future’ in the do-aliens-exist artificialINTELLIGENCE kinda way. And defnintely not in the what-are-we-doing with our ozone layer/MotherNature’sPermanentPMS kinda way either.

I’m talking about each one of our futures. What the f#ck are we gonna do with them?

I see the anxiety on everybody’s faces. And especially when I look in the mirror.

I have so much anxiety and stress about planning what to do with my existence, that I forget that I’m currently existing.

Does that make sense? I can’t plan my future because I’m SO scared I won’t succeed that I’d rather escape the planning part in the first place.

Anyone with me on this? FAILURE-PHOBIA?

And I hate that one conversation I’ve had since I got accepted into college (EVERYONE HAS EXPERIENCED SOME VARIATIONS OF THIS):

What are you majoring in?”

“ My Major is ________________”

Oh…so, what are you gonna do with that?

I’m guilty of asking that question, and I have heard it said to me so many times. I know it doesn’t mean to be condescending all the time, but ‘what are you gonna do with that?’ leaves me tempted to give an equally cheeky response:

I plan on taking my degree in what you consider BULLSHIT, and sticking it up your ass.

But usually I respond: I want to get my masters/lawschool/MBA/phD/jobopportunity—I think I’ve said about every postgrad choice there is, and all of them have been in some form , a lie.

But the real answer is: I DON’T KNOW WTF I’M GOING TO DO WITH THAT, AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN’T ASK.

Even my dad falls into this habit (on our monthly calls): Saaghi, vat are u doing? Vat are going to do vit dat? Do you tink dis has any value for de current job market, Daddy joon?

No Daddy, everything I’m doing is worth squat to employers, prime example: this blog. No one wants a closeted-nympho/shopaholic/foodaddict with daddy issues and no shame.

In college, my dad would joke that my major was actually called ‘Golaabi Shenasi’ (FARSI WORD OF THE DAY) which means ‘the study of PEARS’…which is Persian dad code for:  BIGGEST.BULLSHIT.I.HAVE.TO.PAY.FOR.

He can’t understand why I deviated from the three divine careers of medicine, law, and engineering. I’m sure even if I end up buying the dude a Bentley he’ll still shake his head that ‘I’d have been better off an engineer.’ Even Peyman Moadi (Iranian Screenplay writer/Actor/HOTTIE) got a degree in engineering to shut his parents up before pursuing film (his real passion).

A SEPARATION FTW.

While my career conflict with my father is worthy of its own NOVEL, this post is not just about a career.

Its about the plan.

If you’re in high school, its easy to think that people who have organized their college admissions by rankings, visited every campus, and are looking up plane tickets for orientation– have bright futures. Or that the kids who get into the top schools—have their futures guaranteed.

Or in college, the ones on top of their GRE/LSAT/MCAT/JOB ish are set fo LYFEEE.

Or after college, the ones who make more $$$ and rave about it at happy hour, are essentially—happier.

But its not true. There’s a few things that we need to come to terms with, a habit Persian parents ingrained in us:

Comfort over Passion:

This is one of the few things I believe in (clearly, religion is out of my arena nowadays). Persian parents, rich or poor, have strived to give their kids a better life – materiastically. This is 100% true. Regardless of how you feel about your parents “parenting skills,” they most likely bent over backwards to buy you a FURBY and provide you with a CAR when you needed it.

They’ll let you live under their roof (bc quite frankly they can’t let go of you either) until whenever you please, and your mom will do your laundry if you’re a doodool tala FORSURE.

But this is, at its root, a problem. If we’ve always been comfortable, we won’t have any tolerance for being in withdrawal. Think: If you’ve always lived in a mansion, it’ll be hard to downgrade to a shack. But at the end of the day, we’re not our parents. WE HAVE TO BUILD OUR LIVES FROM NOTHING to SOMETHING—

And that requires hardship. It requires budgeting, couponing, and pride-swallowing. It means doing bitch-work to get to the top.

(Something we are not good at)

I used to pride myself on not being TOO much of a princess, until I traveled around Europe—and really got smacked in the face. Try sleeping in a few foreign airports and you’ll catch my drift.

something like this…

Our parents inadvertently taught us the standard of living we should have. And there’s nothing wrong with it. But to think that you should have a Mercedes off your first job from college is DELUSION, and nothing else.

This brings me back to the planning.

Planning for the sake of comfort, is just as bad as escaping planning. Planning for approval. Planning to plan. Planning because everybody else is doing it….

Don’t take the LSAT because you don’t know what else to do. Or do something because you know your parents will fund it. You’re a fucking human being, and I’m sure something makes you tick. FIND IT and DO IT. If it makes life hard for a while, suck it up and go cry in the break room.

No more excuses, bitches.

Whether you’re undecided about how you’ll be unproductively procrastinating tomorrow, or how you’ll earn a living when Daddy’s threats of cutting you off become a reality, you probably haven’t thought of a concrete plan of what the next five years will look like.

Corny. But really, Stalin- the man with the five year plan…no one wants to be Stalin.

And believe it or not, that’s fine.

Don’t believe the hype: your parents didn’t have sh!t planned (including you – sorryboutit).

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Above the Influence,

saaghi  ساقی


Glad You Came.

JOOONS. Meet our guest writer of the day, here to give you some wisdom (S&F style). Remember, if you wanna write for us, you just gotta holler at our inbox: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

READON (hint: sex and mommy issues explored).  

“They throw you out like a napkin”

was what my Irooni mother said to me. I was 16, and I had just given my first boyfriend a blow job.

You see, my mom and I did NOT have the typical hushhush “NO MOM WE DONT HOLD HANDS/ NO MOM IVE NEVER TOUCHED A BOY IN MY LIFE” type of relationship. we were actually pretty open with each other—”friends” she liked to call it. BAD DECISION. Trust me, it was not a blessing.

I mean some mothers are really insane. #toddlersandtiaras.

From then on, I was given the impression that sex, oral sex included, was for men. I was just there for decoration, or so I was told. Like most other persian girls, I experienced a lot of guilt through my teenage years.

After every “base” I covered, my friends and I were burdened with questions like “is he USING me?” or “will he break up with me now?”

Instead of thinking about our own modes of pleasure.

“His penis was not big enough”

“He needs to do more dirty talk” (if you’re not talking dirty, you’re not having good sex– #justsayin)

or just plain and simple…

“He doesn’t make me come”

And obviously, when you view your sexuality as belonging to someone else; being someone’s toy, or an object of pleasure –>> you give them the power to dictate how you feel.

For instance, when I had sex for the first time, it was quite the circus scene. I was crying, my mom cried, my vagina cried. It was just a big mess. The sex sucked, it hurt, and resulted in me turning into a crazypsychoirooni bitch (sh!t happens).

britbrit when she went craycray.

THEN, SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENED: I was introduced to the vibrator. And as a shout out to JAMES BOND &FARRAH–YOU ARE CORRECT. ITS THE ORGASM THAT GETS US GIRLS INTRODUCED TO THE BEAUTY OF SEX. For other girls, it may be a loving boyfriend, or a bomb ass therapist who teaches you that sex is for your enjoyment as well, but I had to learn that from a 6 in. long battery operated machine.

Once I decided that sex was for ME, I had emotion-less, detached sex with some sefid kid and GORGED in it. For once, I felt like a real woman.

Not an object, a decorative piece, or a slut. It was when I was able to have emotionless sex, that I realized my sexuality was mine, and mine alone.

BUT THEN, I got slapped in the fucking face (again, sh!t happens). I got busy with this Indian/Pakistani I-banker (no sex- still kept some level of restraint).  As soon as we were done, I put my clothes back on and was ready to leave until he said…….

“Sooooo you don’t want to snuggle or anything?”

Wait, what? “uh….am I supposed to want to snuggle??”

“I don’t know, I just don’t want you to feel like a slut or something”

And that was it. I finally got it.

As much as us girls want to be progressive and have sex cause we like it (not cause we wanna have babies or be in love), guys will continue to think that it has an emotional aspect, that sex is a man’s world, that a woman’s enjoyment is secondary during sex.

But it also put a lot in perspective for me–I got used to having emotionless sex. My sefid boy from college got me used to hitting it and quitting it in his frat room (SHOUT OUT TO SAAGHI–FRAT AS FUCK), and I got used to putting on my clothes as fast as my first boyfriend would come.

So theres trial and error:

Have sex without emotion with someone who doesn’t deserve it?

CHECK.

Sex without emotion with someone who could potentially deserve your emotions?

FAIL.

Realizing your sexuality should be a way for us Persian girls to make sense of sex. Not to abuse it. Or else we’d just be sefid (white) girls.

…um.

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

As snuggly as ever,

Shabnam شبنم

Practice Makes Perfect

Hey joonie joons,

Shit’s about to get real dirty in a second.

But first, let me ask you this:  Ever been with a guy… and he’s going to town down there… but nothing is happening? He’s just not getting the right spot, you’re getting kinda bored- kiiinda wishing the TV was on so you could at least be entertained as he attempts to get you off.

And what sucks even more is that you don’t know what kind of direction to give him before you dry up and get over it.  Well I’m here to tell you this:

It’s okay.  There’s a solution to everything.

No need to hit it and quit it (all the time)

SOLUTION TO BAD SEX?! IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? Yes.

MASTURBATING.

I think my grandmother just turned in her grave.  Oops.

Its simple really.  No guy is going to be able to get you off if you don’t even know how to get YOURSELF off.  And here’s why.  Every girl is different.  Yes we all have the same anatomy, but we like different things.  Some girls like it when guys jack hammer them (frat boy style)… some girls just like it rough (Saaghi style)… and some love that sweet, sensual love making they only get once a month from their husbands (if they’re lucky).  But it all comes down to this:

Everyone needs direction.  Guys give us direction when we go down on them, so you can only expect that they’re going to need the same amount of help, IF NOT MORE, when they’re trying to please YOU.

Show me the way

My first time getting off was pretty unexpected.  I was a junior in high school (don’t be jealous), and my boyfriend and I were making out… among other things… when suddenly, it started to feel kinda different down there.  I’m not really sure what he was doing but, I didn’t know if I should say “Stop that feels weird,” or “Yeah baby, keep going.”

OBVIOUSLY, I decided to just keep my mouth shut and then the waterfall hit.  And it felt fucking great… but COMPLETELY unexpected and I kinda freaked out.  So I snapped out of it within 10 seconds.

That was stupid.

How the fuck am I going to sleep now

You should be experienced enough to know what is going on down there- ESPECIALLY when you’re about to get hit hard (with an orgasm)… otherwise the whole hook-up is pretty anti-climactic (pun intended).

No one wants to scare their orgasm away.

(like I did)

And by experienced, I don’t mean that you should hook up with an endless reel of guys- that’s just trashy- we’re Persian– we don’t do trashy.

The secret to a great orgasm is masturbating.  If you expect a man to be able to get it right, then you better be able to SHOW them how.  And unlike what most of our mothers say, masturbating is not disgusting, nor is it a sin.   

Even more motivation

It was after my fateful orgasm surprise that I realized it was time to poke around down there.  And it took awhile before I got it.  Plus, living in a Persian household doesn’t often leave room for much privacy.  Thank god for showers… (if you catch my drift).  But after my orgasm slip-up, no one was able to give me another orgasm until COLLEGE.  And even then- I had to give direction.

NEWS FLASH: GUYS LIKE DIRECTION… BECAUSE THEY NEED IT.

Now, before you freak out about the idea of using a VIBRATOR- just know there are always other options.  I get it- you don’t want to stick something in that is… fake…. “might break your hymen,” or simply: just loosen you up.  Take it from someone who’s never used a vibrator before (only because the one I ordered didn’t work… jk). But also keep in mind, you don’t exactly have to stick it IN for it to get the job done.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Ever heard of a shower head?  Just turn the faucet on and lay the fuck down.  But once you hit that point of ecstasy, its time to learn how to do it yourself because you kinda need to before you can expect to give any good directions.  You can’t exactly tell a guy to turn on the water.

Trust me, there have been times where the guy spent an hour down there and ALL I wanted was a fucking newspaper to help pass the time.  That’s never enjoyable… for either person.

So Persian or not,

masturbating is natural, its not gross or shameful.

 We’re sexual beings.  We’re going to get cravings, and when we’re single, I’m going to go ahead and say its better to get yourself off than have a different guy in your bed every night.  Not cute.

ONE MORE THING:

Orgasms are for everyone.  Just because you’ve never had one before DOESN’T mean you never will.

Like my Irooni mother always says, “PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.” Even though I’m pretty sure she was referring to piano… rather than getting myself off.  Who knew her advice could be so versatile?

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US 

Here’s to personal hygiene,

FARRAH فرح

Single Persian Female, Addicted to Retail

JOONJOONs.

For anyone who wants to debate the greatness of early KANYE, I have three words for you: the college dropout.

This post is based on my favorite Kanye song, because it mirrors my life so well— “sophomore, three years, aint picked a career.” Except I don’t have a baby daddy.

But I do have a shopping problem.

I know what you’re thinking– doesn’t every little persian princess who gets their bills paid by daddy have this problem? And is it really a problem?

Yes, in fact, no matter who pays for it, shopaholism is a serious problem.

(I may have made that word up)

Do you understand that I can’t see my rug because clothes cover the floor? (coughHOARDERcough)

Did you know that most of those clothes still have tags on them?

Don’t lie, we all wanted her closet…

Imagine the nightmare of living with me.

I really would rather kick my boyfriend/fiance/husband out of my house than sacrifice some of my wardrobe space.

Now, that’s a problem.

So I mentioned before how I hate fashionistas, and blog-following trendy groupies– and I really do. I don’t buy clothes because they’re in style. Let me explain to you how my addiction works:

1. Say Yes to the Dress: I will never, ever say NO to a bargain. Even when I couldn’t possibly find a use for it in the near future. I own SO many designer dresses that if I attended WEDDINGS twice a year for the next ten years, I still wouldn’t run out. These are not dresses I can wear to the club, or even the fanciest MEHMOONI (family party).

So Sorry Alexander Wang and Zac Posen, you’re just gonna have to gather dust (but you looked so pretty when I bought you!)

2. These Will Be The Best Memories: I have an emotional connection with my clothes, (and with food– PATHETIC I KNOW). But with clothes, I associate memories. I cannot, as hard as I try, throw my clothes away because I think ‘oh I remember wearing that on my first day of High School’…or ‘oh I lost my virginity in that’…or ‘I got really trashed and ripped that- HAHA”…

Does anyone else have affection for their clothing? Or am I trying to fill the emptiness of my soul?

This is the main reason why I’m a hoarder of clothing.

3. Creativity that Costs $$$: I like to blame my creativity for my shopping problem (Denial much?)…but in all seriousness, when I go shopping, I often get ideas for outfits– oh a MULTICOLORED CAPE?  BUSTIER TOP?! VELCRO SKIRT? FRINGE BRAS? I often go off the deep end. Recently I wanted to buy a blue fur jacket (Stop laughing) and my friend told me that unless I wanted to be mistaken for the COOKIE MONSTER, I shouldn’t buy it. And lets be real, the cookie monster is fat, so no thanks.

(I already eat like him)

My friends think I dress for Halloween everyday, but I really just can’t help myself. Life is like a huge art project for me, and clothing is my paper mache.

So those three reasons sum up why I shop, why my place is filled with clothes (old and new), and why I just can’t seem to get it out of my system. Now I’m not saying its a good thing- I’ve recently tried cutting myself off, cold turkey. No ONLINE SHOPPING. No BARGAINS (oooooo its hard). And throwing away things with the help of my mother who TEARS it out of my hand as I crawl after it.

And it feels good. It feels good to have an emptier room, and it feels liberating to have more money in the bank.

And lets break this gender bias that GIRLS are the only ones shopping up a storm– when I’m on the battlefield, aka a retail store, theres about just as many dudes- and they’re not always shopping for their woman…

So here’s to the road of RECOVERY!

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Love you Like I love my clothes,

saaghi  ساقی

Presidents Come, Presidents Go, Talking Shit is Forever

Hey joooons,

In honor of President’s Day, we thought it might be fun to look back on some of our favorite, SEXY (and least) presidents of all time.

Starting the countdown:

JAMES MADISON.

Hey Jimmy

Not only, do we love the white bowl-haircut, BUT: he is the “Father of the Constitution.”  If it weren’t for him (and several others), the United States would never have had such a “body proof” legal system.  How can we forget laws that deemed African Americans as 3/5′s a person?  Never.  Especially since, he owned hundreds of slaves… Classy.

But thank God, we had other presidents come into the picture to reform those racist bigotries that trickle throughout the Constitution like its no one’s business.

Introducing:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

What up Abe

While Abe Lincoln may not be the MOST physically attractive guy– he took life-changing risks that still effect us all one way or another.  On top of being harsh, strong and a believer in rights for all– he didn’t do the typical presidential thing and live at the White House- he stayed in a cottage during his presidency and rode on horseback to and from the White House everyday.

Not a big deal?  Sure, but too bad people tried to kill him on his way there every damn day.  Not that this ever stopped him because he would be up and out before his security could trail him since it was the only time of day he had to himself.  Awww.

Father of the Emancipation Proclamation, Abe died the day before it was ratified.  But don’t worry- we never forget presidents who leave a lasting, positive impression.

While Abe was truly inspiring, we have had other presidents that weren’t so much…

GEORGE W. BUSH.

Can you say: CLUELESS

We’re glad the U.S. doesn’t discriminate … really we are.  Who would have EVER thought that we would elect a president with three D.U.I.’s under his belt?  NOT US. 

please don't shoot me Dick...

While George had the audacity to name Iran as one of the “Axis of Evil,” we don’t really think he was that bad of a  guy.  When Hurricane Katrina happened, he went and personally spoke to families that were affected by the disaster.  He had a heart… too bad he was stupid enough to name people like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove as crucial members in his presidency.  If Dick Cheney’s last friendship- where he shot the guy in the face- was ANY indication of what kind of man he is, we would have hoped that George would run far far away from him.

But sadly, he didn’t and he’s included in this list because we are pretty sure he is a five-minute man– alcohol d*ck anyone?

On to the next…

BILL CLINTON.

If I flash my underwear, will you do me too?

Some of us are too young to remember much about former President Clinton, other than his scandalous Monica Lewinsky affair, but he was a certified Frat boy, first president of the Baby Boomer generation and often described as a “New Democrat.”  But MOST IMPORTANTLY, he beat George H.W. Bush and kept him from serving a second term.

Thank god for that.

Unfortunately, Clinton’s horn-dog reputation STILL shines over some of his many accomplishments– for example, he was a major advocate for EDUCATION- something that we ALL benefit from.  And look at his wife!  Our current Secretary of State– yeah she said she would obliterate Iran if she were elected president, but hey- she wasn’t.  Like we said, talking shit is forever- it doesn’t always get you where you want to go.

Now, how can we write a post about memorable presidents without naming the infamous:

JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY.

No wonder Marilyn liked you so...

Not only was he the youngest man to be elected into office (at age 43), but he was the first president to win a Pulitzer Prize.  For what…? He published a book called Profile in Courage featuring U.S. Senators who risked their careers for personal beliefs.  Hot.

JFK was most known for his domestic program, “New Frontier” which promised to rid racial discrimination, provide federal funding for education, medical care for the old and elderly, and other promising economic reforms.  Unfortunately, many of his programs weren’t passed by Congress (sound familiar? *cough Obama haters cough*), BUT Congress did eventually vote them into law AFTER JFK’s assassination in 1964-65.

Last but not least…

BARACK OBAMA.

President Obama stepped into the limelight at a time where Americans had lost all hope.  He came and instilled a new sense of hope within all of us and while many like to argue that not much has changed since he stepped into the presidency, here is something we should all realize: Obama stepped up and took over after MANY mistakes were made.  Shit’s gotta get worst before it can get better, and with the upcoming elections coming up- it looks like some people need a rude awakening:

(1). Obama signed the reauthorization of the State Children’s Health Insurance program, which provided coverage for an additional FOUR MILLION uninsured kids.

(2). He reversed a policy that limited stem cell research allowing for the future advancement of science.

(3). In 2009, he proposed new regulations on power plants, factories and oil refineries in an effort to decrease the risk of global warming.

(4). Additionally in 2009, Obama signed the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act- which ensures that crimes motivated by someone’s gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability be included in the United States federal hate-crime law.

(5).  Furthermore, he signed OBAMA CARE.  If you need us to explain WHY this is important- well… you need to brush up on your Wikipedia skills.

If that’s not enough?  He is the first African American president to hold office, and he appointed two women to the Supreme Court within the first two years of his term.  How often does that happen?

Plus, he looks good

We’re tired of hearing that Obama hasn’t done anything.  Its hard getting shit done when your House of Reps is held mostly by Republicans out to get you.  But like he said in his most recent State of the Union, “Put a bill on my desk I can get behind, AND I WILL SIGN IT INTO LAW.”

So Happy President’s Day joonies.

Who’s your favorite president?

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US 

LOVE ALWAYS,

THE S&F TEAM

 

Independence is Not a Crime

Hihihihi jooooooooons,

HAPPY FRIDAY!  Finally, a three-day weekend.  Its been too long.  I’ve had an especially shitty week.  On top of work (ugh), I had to deal with post-relationship distress.

You see, not too long ago, my boyfriend dumped my ass because I got a job before him.  I mean, I get it… to an extent.  Here I am, new in town, and I pull a job at one of the most prominent companies in the U.S. My dream job. He has his Master’s degree… and has been looking for a job for almost two years, with NO lead in sight.  Its dumb luck really (or I’m just that great).

ANYWAY, when he breaks up with me, he says he doesn’t want to be with anyone until he can get his professional shit together.  Okay, I accept.

Last night, he says he’s dating someone new.  STILL NO JOB IN HAND.  What does she do?

She went to his high school in some butthole town in a random ass state, and is now a Kindergarten teacher.

I have nothing against teachers, because where I would be without them? Oh yeah, on the streets.  But here is my problem:

He picked someone that would never be his competition.  She will always be his subordinate, he will always be higher than her even if he has a hard time finding a job- she ain’t got shit on him.

CLASSY.

Deal with it

But me?  I’m different– I’m not like that.  I will never put a man before my professional career and that’s just how I was raised.  Was I supposed to turn the job down because he might break up with me? NO.

Here is the deal:  if you’re really a MAN, then no matter what life throws your way- you should be able to handle it.  Even if your girlfriend or wife does better than you professionally.  Screw this bullshit stereotype that teaches us that MEN have to be the successful ones.

Even on TV, you watch these lame ass shows about women who are the top dogs at their company yet they’re always alone. And for some reason, they’re always depicted as unhappy.  

Why?

Men are taught to be chauvinistic pigs.

They learn early in life that if they can’t be the breadwinner then something is WRONG with them.  And if women are killing it in their careers, then they’re a heartless bitch.

 It is NOT our job to be submissive… it is NOT our job to be VIRGINS, it is our destiny to improve. This stigma that we have to be less than our men is the age old story, and I am fucking tired of it.

Now that we have it we’re a lost cause?

Its time for a new story.

I’m tired of hearing about how couples like “Seal and Heidi Klum” got divorced because she was doing better in her career than him.  Or that Oprah isn’t married because she’s just “too successful“– when in reality: MAYBE SHE JUST SUCKS IN BED!  I’m tired of hearing that if I choose to excel at my job, then I might never have a family.

But most of all, I’m tired of the fear.

Do I have to be in a stagnant position just to ensure that my personal life is successful?

How does that make any sense? 

ESPECIALLY as Persian women, we are automatically supposed to know how to cook, sew and be child raising  professionals.  On top of that, we are expected to remain sexually inexperienced.  Why?  Well that’s what womanhood is right?  Its “CUTE” to be a virgin.  Guys like that.

Guys want us to be innocent with no job in hand and an untouched hole. What a bunch of gender bias bullshit.

May not be parallel, but they intersect

Dear ALL MEN (especially Persian men),

If you want to be THE MAN, the sexy, confident, successful man that we all want at our side, then you should be happy for your woman… don’t overcompensate by choosing someone below you.  Be with someone who challenges you, motivates you.  Its the twenty-first fucking century- it ain’t 1945, so stop acting like a douche.

And women:  Excel.  Be motivated. Don’t just be good at your job, be great at it.  Its a new time- as women, we are all standing up and fighting for our place.  Even women in Iran are fighting to make a difference– women in Iran attend University at a higher rate than men do.  It was the women of Iran who first organized the Green Movement and motivated the people to go to the streets to FIGHT for what they believe in.

#wisdom

So ex boyfriend, I’ll leave you with this– I hope you marry Miss Kindergarten, really I do.  She’s MY subordinate, and you really don’t deserve to be with anyone at my level. sorryboutit.

Its time to stop being a little bitch.

MAN THE FUCK UP PEOPLE.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

Love,

FARRAH فرح

I’m Sexy and I Know It

Hey joons,

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day- we thought it best to let our favorite male shit talker take the reins on this one. Give it up for James Bond as he attempts to seduce you with his sexy words on this day of “love” (*cough bullshit cough*).

Before I start, I’m just going to say one thing LOUD and clear:

Iranian girls are extremely sexy, if not THE hottest females in the world. 

Nose jobs and all

Now that THAT is out of the way… time for me to vent a little about my experiences being in relationships with Iranian girls (God help me).  All the Leilazzz, Shielazz and Niluzz, etc. have made me LOVE and HATE Persian girls.  When it comes down to having a relationship with an Iranian girl, I am always faced with this uncertainty… or hesitation if you will, as to whether or not I should go through with it.  And let me tell you why…

I’ve lived both inside and outside of Iran– and have had the wonderful yet stressful opportunity to date Iranian girls in all different countries. Let me tell you: Living outside of Iran, you will automatically be introduced to different cultures aka… DIFFERENT GIRLS and THANK GOD there are different girls other than Iranian girls– because then you FINALLY have the opportunity to experience girls who don’t nag as much, aren’t ridiculously jealous, materialistic, SPOILED and close-minded like many Iranian girls are (and by many– I mean MAJORITY- A HIGH PERCENTAGE of them are). Sorry- just keeping it real for my homies.

Persian girl’s motto (for real)

But even though, Iranian girls are fucking crazy sometimes, I must be a sick puppy — because I can’t help but LOVE THEM.  Despite their psycho, well-hidden (most of the time) personalities, there are somethings that Persian girls can do better than any other girl around. 

#DAMN

I LOVE IRANIAN GIRLS BECAUSE:

They know how to flirt.  Or better yet, they know how to grab your attention,” which in Farsi we say, “eshveh oomadan,” meaning, she really knows how to seduce you… otherwise known as FUCK WITH YOUR HEAD by using her female Persian girl power.  All she has to do is give you that look with her eyes… and say something in that soft-spoken voice. Its so easy for them to just stand there in front of you– show off their beautiful curves and create this PORTRAYAL of an “open invitation.”  Let’s be real– that shit ain’t open for nothing.  FUCKING TEASES.

Iranian girls know how to wear the look of elegance, sexy and simply irresistible– they show off a little, but leave a LOT for the imagination.

(Just keep in mind- that shit will be in your imagination for a looong fucking time).  

BUT, if you’ve learned anything from what I’ve been saying:

No matter how sexy or seductive Persian girls can be– there is always a part of them that is “naggy, jealous, materialistic, spoiled, close-minded, … I’m running out of adjectives…” and they keep that shit ON LOCK until they got you wrapped around their perfectly, manicured little finger.  SO BEWARE.

UNDERCOVER PSYCHO

And before you think that there are exceptions… WELL there are… but those exceptions are never quite as sexy as the psychos.  But for fairness sake, let’s weigh the options:

Option 1:  

The crazy nagging, jealous Persian girl…

Option 2:

The not-as-cute, sweet, LOVING Persian girl…

I bet you’re surprised but I would definitely go with Option 2– not just because she has a great attitude, and likes you despite the fact that you don’t have a BMW— but no Persian girl is really “not-as-cute”– they ALL cute (minus unibrow chicks– thread that shit yo– you want US to manscape? Better make sure your shit is clean too).

Now, let’s hold hands and pray together:

Dear Lord, THANK YOU for creating Iranian girls as the lovely, sexy creatures that they are.  

BUT:

I do have one request:

I have to deal with them a lot- if not on a daily basis, then AT LEAST on a weekly basis and I would just like for this: Please stop focusing on my car… or nagging at me because some random beez said what’s up to me.  Let these women be OPEN-MINDED.

She ain’t Persian, but she SHOULD be

Thank you :)

 So Happy Valentine’s Day bitches.  For all you Persian men out there– I hope you’re out tonight with a Persian girl, because if you do it JUST right, they might put out for you

and that psychoness isn’t JUST for nagging– its great in the sack…

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US 

PEACE,

JAMES BOND جیمز باند

She Got It From Her Momma

JOOOOOOONS.

Its about to get real awkward.

You’ll see what I mean in a minute….

So like most girls, I really really like it rough. Now, no punching and hitting, but I enjoy a bit of shoving and smacking– not gonna lie. And I love biting.

If I don’t get bitten, I’m going to fall asleep on you.

The only downside to all of this is the marks and bruises on your body the next day. How do I explain looking like I just got into a fight with a vampire?

By now my friends know what to expect, and they’re more shocked when there is no bruises, than when there are.

For me, personally, its worth the public embarassment– I just really can’t get off without it. And I have to say there are instances when i’m drunk or he’s drunk, that its gone overboard.

Instance One: I woke up in the morning after a hookup to find my neck a necklace full of bruises. And this was one of those chunk necklaces if you know what I mean. I legitimately looked like someone had attempted to choke me.

You can imagine my terror when I had to walk into Mosque the following afternoon– THANK GOD FOR THE HIJAB.

All the foundation in the world couldn’t help my cause. When some people caught a glimpse and asked in horror, ‘what happened?’ I’d say, ‘oh a really bad allergic reaction to my perfume’– and their disgusted faces were priceless–imagine if I said:

“Oh, just some really good sex.”

funfunfun.

Instance Two: Another time, this guy went Tyson on me– biting my ear. And while there was no mark, scar, or bruise, I had ear pain for weeks. I couldn’t touch my earlobe without it feeling like a train was running over that side of my face.

Instance Three: My thighs also bruise very easily, and fortunately, those are easier to hide and explain–oh I ran into a desk– but one time, it was particularly bad.

The bite marks were so awful I looked like those girls you see in the The Exorcist films– getting bit by Satan or some demon. It was as if an alien or dog had attacked me. I couldn’t wear a skirt without it showing.

I bet when my roommate would catch a glimpse, she was convinced that someone had mistaken me for their dinner instead of their hook-up.

Joons, do you know the feeling? NO? Am I the only who likes it this rough? (I HIGHLY DOUBT IT)

I know she gets me…

Now that you all know about my fetish, here’s a little awkward story. and if you’re not cringing by the end, you really deserve a round of applause!

Growing up, I remember my mom having a lot of bruises. To the point that, I was worried she was sick or something. (Ohhhh sweet innocence)

I’d always ask “Mommy, what happened to your arm?” or “What is that on your neck Mom, ARE YOU OK?”

She’d always respond, “Oh eets noting, dont vorry, just ran into de computer desk”

As I grew up, I insisted more and more that she go get it checked out by a doctor, I mean I thought –what are these bruises in these random places? Does my mom have LEUKEMIA?–I looked up on the internet the reason for random bruising, and really freaked myself out.

And sometimes she’d really insist it was nothing, and sometimes she’d go along with it–”yes mommy joon, i should go to de doctor”

Obviously, she knew where the bruises were from. I was the only one left out of the loop (thank god). However, the awkwardness of this is not that my mom likes getting bitten (I’M REALLY GOING TO VOMIT NOW) its that I was so late to realize that was the case.

Even after years of being a vampire victim myself, I still didn’t connect the dots to my mom’s bruising pattern– I mean thats justifiable because my parents you-know-what life is not on my mind.

Only recently did I put it all together- after years of feeding the same excuses to people and hearing the same ‘worried’ questions– thats when I GOT IT.

RANDOM BRUISES + RANDOM EXCUSES = MOTHER’S BITING FETISH

and I really wish I hadn’t. because now, its just not the same.

I’m glad I wrote this post after my meal. Any awkward stories you’d like to share?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Bruised and Disgusted,

saaghi  ساقی
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