In honor of our “non-Racism” week, we thought it might be cool to hear from someone OTHER than Farrah and Saaghi for once. Meet Omidjooon. He’s not just a fan of making silly videos– he’s got some CALI #SWAG too.
About a week ago, a police investigator came to my parents house looking for me. I was not home so he left his card with my parents. He then went to my neighbors home, showed them a picture of me, and asked if I lived next door. Obviously, they said yes.
I was the suspect in a shooting.
Except what I was shooting was a picture and the weapon was my iPhone.
Turns out on December 12th, someone saw me take a picture of the Police Station in Downtown. They took down my license plates and called the police. The police ran the plates and found that the car belonged to the one and only Omid Joon.
After considering calling President Obama to change the terrorist alert level to RED, they instead opted to open a formal investigation into the matter. That’s when the extremely capable Detective Leonard DeLeon was put on the case. His incredible detective skills, only rivaled by the likes of Sherlock Holmes, brought him to my house where he proceeded to a leave a card that scared the shit out of my parents.
His visit to my home implicated me in some mass murder to my neighbors, who barely know me aside from the guy who comes home late at night blasting Yanni Live at the Acropolis.
Warning: this next part is gonna make me look like a douchebag.
I was really angry and it takes a lot to get me angry. <Insert incredible hulk reference here>
Nevertheless, I called said Detective and calmly asked him what this was about. Once I found out what the issue was, I became irate. I asked him why he needed to embarrass me and my family in front of my gossipy Iranian neighbors. I asked him why he felt the need to open up an investigation into me when droves of Japanese tourists take pictures of that building everyday (It’s a really nice building).
But most importantly, I asked him why he wouldn’t just google my name.
It’s 2012 homie, and you’re a fucking detective.
I explained that had he done that, he would have seen that I’m a licensed attorney, that I make videos of myself dressed in girl clothes, and most importantly of all, he would have found my phone number and used it- which would have saved all U.S. taxpayers the amount he spent on gas lugging his hoopty out to the Valley.
Yes I said all this. And of course, he had no answer.
At that point the only semblance of manhood he had left was sitting in a holster attached to his body. I told him I hoped that this was the last I would hear of him or this matter. He said it was.
Look I get it. Terrorism is real. He’s just doing his job. It’s just “due diligence.” BLA BLA BLA. I understand all that.
But If anyone thinks that this investigation would have proceeded if the registered name on the vehicle was “Nathaniel Whiterson,” or that the fact that I’m a Middle Eastern looking dude with a mustache had nothing to do with someone calling the police, then you’re being naive.
Despite any of that, I wouldn’t even be this angry had the bumbling Inspector Clouseau tried googling my name before he started knocking on my neighbors door and scaring my parents.
It’s easy. Type “google.com,” and then type the person in question’s name right in that little bubble under the word GOOGLE and click “search.”
If anyone needs me next week, I’m gonna be downtown taking a 300 picture panorama of the police station. I encourage you to join.
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @OMIDJOOON
Omidjooon امید جووون