Did I Betray my Meth*?

Joonies, hope you’re not packing on too many lb’s this New Years (1391). Our ‘Eidi’ gift to ourselves, and to you, is

TUMBLR: http://sexandfessenjoon.tumblr.com/.

It’s basically a little window into our brainstorm– the music, the visuals, and the words that get us writing ;)

We have a Guest Post, and this time its reaaallll interesting. One of our joonies reached out to us, a little distraught over her dilemma… read on to see if this was just a ‘caught up in the moment’ error of judgment, or just plain wrong.

*And the METH she’s referring to, ain’t the crystal kind. For clarification, check this: SINGLE OR JUST ADDICTED TO METH?

Ok, so we’ve all had crazy drunken nights where we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve ATE SHIT and we’ve hooked-up with our bestie’s crush right?!…(GUILTY)

And I know what your thinking…Oh, she’s THAT girl who uses the ‘I was drunk’ excuse to hook-up with guys she wouldn’t normally hook-up with, but lemme tell you a little story and I’ll let you decide who is the victim here.

This past weekend was one of my closest friend’s 23rd birthday and the protocol was: get wasted & have a grand old time. This friend of mine is part of my close group of girlfriends (my meth essentially) but our relationship with each other has been the rockiest of all mainly because my friend thinks I’m “perfect”…which I am no where near.

Coming from a Persian household it was always stressed that our problems, insecurities fears, etc. are private and therefore, I learned from an early age to grow a thick exterior and essentially pretend that everything was okay all the time, even when it wasn’t.

Yes, it was to the point that if I were upset about something and wanted to cry, I felt ashamed and wanted to hide it from my family, let alone all other people. So to my friends, I seem like a perfect Persian princess who has everything she’s ever wanted and who’s life is problem-less.

Over the years, this personality that I presented to my friends has caused some friction between us mainly because they are jealous of my “perfection” (if only they knew). This friend (non-Persian) in particular has taken it the most personal and the event of her 23rd birthday has only added to her unintentional jealousy towards me.

This friend of mine invited her 5-year-long crush (yes, 5 years) to come drink and party with us a.k.a a potential hook-up for my bestie

He was OFF-LIMITS. My friend was hoping that her 23rd birthday would be the night that they made the magic happen.

(Ohh White Girls–S&F)

During the course of the night, I had one shot too many, as did this boy. We were all dancing and having a good time until I feel this guy grab my ass and pull me towards him. We can all agree that alcohol brings out our sexual energy (aka makes us horny as f@#*!), so I had no problem dancing with him. In my defense, I was in a foggy state of mind– my friend’s crush and I have known each other for a few years (not to mention he’s pretty damn cute), so it felt natural to dance all up on him, SIIYAA (black) girl status.

One thing lead to another and before I even have time to react, lover boy leans in and kisses me. My faint memory and few witnesses tell me that I back off and push him away. At that moment I felt the angel on my shoulder and the devil in my head (shout out to Kaskade).

I wanted to do things to this boy that my Persian parents would disown me for, but the overwhelming guilt of betraying my best friend was just too much to handle.

As the night went on, word spreads about the evil best friend (me) and the long time crush “hooking up.”  I spent a good amount of time crying in the bathroom (like a wasted sefid girl) because I felt guilty, confused, a lot disoriented and I just kept thinking that my girlfriend probably feels like someone just stabbed her in the heart.

When I wasn’t crying about being a horrible person I was shamelessly having eye sex with lover boy.

It was the strangest feeling I had ever experienced because on one hand I really value my friendships with the women in my life, and I am not one to betray the trust of my friends…but on the other hand I was really into this boy, I wanted him so badly that I was even willing to sneak around with him.

That night I was both disgusted with myself and yet it felt exciting to have taken a bite into the forbidden fruit (so much so that I wanted the whole apple). I proceeded to ignore lover boy for the rest of the night (sorta) and my bestie and I cleared things up. (Sorta).

Needless to say, my friends crush showing more interest in me in one night than he ever has to her in 5 years only added to her hatred for my “perfect” life. Technically, I did nothing more than kiss him (if we’re gonna get real technical, he kissed me) but were my feelings justified?

Should I feel guilty for WANTING to hook-up with him behind my friends back?

After thinking about that night long and hard I concluded that we are all human and we make MISTAKES (when we’re drunk we make even bigger ones) and sometimes we have feelings that we didn’t know existed. I know a lot of girls may read this and think I am a jende for even wanting to do the dirty with a guy who was essentially “off limits.”

Point is that its natural to wonder and its natural to want to do something that is taboo (Sex and Fessenjoon case in point) and we can’t let guilt hold us down.

If your bestie is a true friend, she will understand and you are both able to move on (even if she’ll probably always kinda sorta hate you). I mean it wasn’t like she was dating the guy….

Was I in the wrong? HELP!  Let me know how YOU feel.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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OOPS,

Termeh  ترمه

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Comments

  1. I think that what you did was wrong, but not something that’s uncommon… I mean, it was her birthday, and you know she has liked him for five years, and it’s not like you had strong feelings for him either. I think you know what you did was wrong, I don’t think it’s wrong that you secretly wanted to hook up with him, and I do think the fact that you were quite drunk does make what you did way less bad. I think it’s immature of her for being jealous of you, though. Are you sure you have full respect for her? Are you sure inside you don’t kind of think she’s a loser because she is obviously jealous of you? I feel like when you don’t have true respect for her, that also affects your friendship. Maybe that’s why it was easy for you to slip up? Cause personally if I really cared for her, I would WANT her to finally get with him for her happiness. I could possibly see me doing this, if I really didn’t care for her as a friend.
    Also, I just shared something with a “friend” (like an hour ago!) about feelig depressed and she used it against me big time. Honestly, your quality of not sharing your feelings is often a really good thing. I think it’s best to just speak with a counsellor when you feel down (or your family,of course). I do it a lot less, but my honestly and humbleness has fucked me over tons, even a lot today. You have to be careful who you share things with! Cause as you know, people are insecure, and they may abuse your vulnerabilities to feel better. I hope to be able to become more private like you!

  2. sashajoon says:

    From my stand point, what you did wasn’t wrong nor was it right. If you were all drunk, and he kissed you, and you backed off, then it wasn’t your fault. Not to say that maybe you weren’t flirting to much or leading him on, I don’t know, I wasn’t there- but you know guys, look at them wrong and they think you want them. He knew you thought he was sexy and he went for the kill, er, kiss.

    Your friend, is not a true friend if she is hatin on you like that. I know about being the Perfect Persian Princess, all my friends, esp my sefid ones, think my fam and I are perfect. They don’t know that sometimes, our house is messy and that we clean for hours before anyone comes over so that they don’t know our house is messy EVER! If she is so jealous she obviously is very insecure about herself and needs to chill. You need to tell her straight up that you aren’t perfect and neither is she, but she shouldn’t be down on herself and she needs to own her faults.

    And last, WANTING to be with him behind her back and actually being with him behind her back are two different things. I hope that you would pick your girls before a fling but remember that you are important too. So if she really is your friend or if you are involved in each others lives a lot (a bunch of mutual friends) then it’s not worth it. But fantasizing about him for a few nights and then getting over it isn’t gonna hurt anyone. So if she is your bestie she’ll get over it, you didn’t kiss him, he kissed you and even though you were drunk and flirting and dancing, you STILL pushed him away, right? So it is justified. I hope that you and your friends have kissed and made up.

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