While Farrah may have been naughty at Grandma’s, I want to bring something to light thats even more troubling than that. Joonies,
When you go out on a date, who pays?
Yeah, I did just dive into it.
Boys, do you pay? Or do you split the tab? Does it matter if its the first date, or the 41832901832th date?
Now, I’m a female. and I’m Persian. and if I end up pulling out my debit/credit on our first date, chances are, we won’t be going on a second date. and you will not be getting any.
Does this make me superficial? Does this make me old-fashioned/backwards? Or worse, a gold digger? I am the antithesis of the superficial, stepford wife but when it comes to who pays when and for what, I can’t help myself.
I know many of you men HATE expectations, because as soon as an expectation exists, you do EVERYTHING in your power not to meet it.
But I don’t think that men picking up the tab during the dating stage is an expectation. Or anti-feminist. or entitled.
Before you hate me, let me explain:
Paying for a date is a business transaction. You are acquiring a good/service that has a cost, and in return, you’re expected to pay. Basic market principles, right? Well, when we’re on a date, and its about feelings, and sparks, and conversation, and SOCIAL NORMS (is she funny or insecure? is he sweet or not into me?) this is no place to bring in ECON 101.
What part of dating: me getting to know you, you getting to know me- romantic feelings, LOVE, marriage, RELATIONSHIP blablabla– are about market principles and commodities? (unless you think I’m a commodity)
None. If I have to think of a business transaction (splitting the bill, paying) you’re going to completely crush ANY sort of romantic feelings that could develop between us.
Since the concept of dating began, men were expected to pay. And for once, girls, history has supported our evolutionary and biological need. While we can be presidents and judges and mothers, we can’t help it that falling for someone is a 100% mental/emotional commitment. If we’re expected to right away balance thinking- do I really like this guy- with -who’s meal came out more expensive, who pays next time- the result is going to be a heart/brain collision. And lets be real, if brains decided on relationships- most women would be single.
We are 0, or 100. So if I pick up the tab on our first date, I will be 0.
Don’t guys have this mechanism, you might ask? That once men think finance, they get turned off by their date? No.
1. Men, Persian especially, are brought up to thrive off of proving their manhood. Financial stability is a key aspect of their manhood, just look at the fucking pillars in Persepolis, and every persian man’s mansion thereafter. When they pay for dinner, they see it as their obligation. and I say: GOOD, this time DOODOOL TALAs work in my favor.
2. While guys may be turned off but what they see as ‘expensive dating’, they overall, are socially conditioned to know there is a period of courtship. They don’t view taking out their wallets as so weird as most females do when they have to pay on the first date.
While many women might bring this debate down to equality and women’s rights: if we’re all equal, we should split the bill- I beg to differ.
Unless you’re going on a date, where you only took 10 minutes to get ready, he should pay.
If you’re going to subscribe to “gender equality trumps ALL “, then subscribe to it IN EVERY SENSE, or you’ll be the only one losing.
Women, (esp PERSIAN) when you go on a date, are you not expected to look a certain way? act a certain way? Are you not, then, subscribing to the “old-fashioned” rules of beauty and etiquette?
So, here’s the deal girls, if you’re down to split the bill, I hope you didn’t spend $$$ on an outfit, or do your hair. I hope you ate with the wrong fork, and asked for dessert. I hope chocolate mousse was all over your face, and you didn’t give a fuck.
(and I mean that in a very sincere way)
Remember some Kanye wisdom here: HE LEAVE YO ASS FOR A WHITE GIRL.
And if no, you do check yourself in the mirror 283903948 times, wear make up, and act like youre a shinier version of what he’ll wake up to one morning—
then I hope you let him pick up the tab.
Catch my drift, here?
Just because I expect a guy to pay for the date, doesn’t mean I am never going to be OK with paying for any dinner or movie ANYTIME. There’s a difference here- it’s called social exchange versus reciprocity.
If we go on a date, you are enjoying my company, and I am enjoying yours. But we’re not tallying how many laughs we give each other, right? Or how much oral sex- if you’re at that stage ;)? Its not an eye for an eye, a blow job for a blow job. Instant “I OWE YOU”s are just turn offs in general with any relationship.
If you pay for the date, I store that in my mind, and the reciprocity is seen later as the relationship blooms.
OH, and girls:
DON’T OFFER TO PAY, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO.
That’s just an unfair tease. a ‘taarof’, and lets leave that to the Persian mothers.
Think I’m reciting out of a 1950s manual?
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