That’s My Heritage, Bitch

Hey joonies,

I’m going to do things a little differently tonight.  On S&F, we talk a lot about sex… and fessenjoon– because who doesn’t love both of them?  Especially together…

But it’s time for things to get a little serious.  Especially now that Shahs of Sunset is airing for the world to see…. no comment.

Yes, you definitely represent the Iranian American community…

Not to get all deep on you, but I think we’ve all dealt with some type of hate at some point in our lives.  Especially at such a pivotal time where war is one of the main issues discussed everyday. Or even think back to a decade ago when 9/11 happened.  All Middle Easterners were grouped into one category: Terrorists.

Nice, thank you.    

I grew up in a small town that was predominately White.  And they just didn’t know any better because they’d never been exposed to anything foreign.  So I was used to being the token Persian girl and I dealt with haters as they came.  But not always well… responding to people like this is never effective or smart:

“You’re right, my family flies planes… so watch your fucking mouth.”  

This just promotes the stigma that we’re violent and that’s not okay.

I moved away to the Persian capital of America for college: Hello Los Angeles.

[Read more…]

One time, at Frat Camp….

JOONS!

The day has arrived: SHAHS OF SUNSET is premiering! Share your thoughts on the show with us (FBOOK OR SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM)

Probs the best looking on the show.

As for me, I’m on a workout binge, so I’ve been uncharacteristically cheerful lately. I’m waiting for that one craving to kick in, that will have me abandon the gym for the pastry shop/CHIPS aisle. #waitforit

I realize I’ve been more FESSENJOON on this blog, then SEX — if you know what I mean. & its time for a HOOK UP STORY, Saaghi Style. Well, this is more of a HOOKUP FAIL.

As a freshman in college, and as someone who had just moved away from home for the first time, I transformed from a level-headed prioritizing good girl to an insane psychotic party animal.

By the time my first year had come to an end, I had been arrested, I had skinnydipped while crying my eyes out, and I had put the ultimate smackdown on a few people.

[Read more…]

USE A HO

Hey joonies,

We enjoyed DoozyFab’s last post (click here) so much, we decided to bring her back for another original FABulous post.  Check her out below and if you want more of her, visit her blog: www.doozyfab.com.

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a boulder when a girl is dating more than one guy.  Why?  From a girl’s perspective, think of it has being perceived as a “ho” just because you’re “talking” or “hooking up” with more than one guy — add to that the conflict you face between your own feelings of love, culture, and the fact that your own father just might disown you because you don’t want to go to your khastegari.  

WHEN I GROW UP [Read more…]

Bitch, Back Down

Hey joooonie joons,

Happy Hump Day! Is it Friday yet?

I had a typical Persian kid’s childhood.  I went to mehmooni’s with my parents every weekend because not going was NEVER an option.  My friends were the kids of my parent’s friends.  And unfortunately, for me– I was the only girl in my age group.  The next girl to be born was nine years later. #buzzkill

I even looked like a boy

Even though, I was surrounded by boys growing up, I was never athletic, or liked games like Battleship (who understands that game anyway) or enjoyed watching sports- I still mix up baseball teams with football. I think deep down, my parents always wanted a boy because they forced the mushroom/bowl-like haircut on me and made me wear those long “capri,” ghetto shorts for years. 

THANKS MOM- this is what I had in 7th grade

But unlike, those attention-whores (AW’S), I really longed for someone to play Barbies with.  I could only convince those Persian boys to play “Pretty Pretty Princess” for so long.  And pretty soon, they caught up to my tricks and stopped listening to me for game ideas (deep down, I’m pretty sure they LOVED it).

Fast forward to high school- I was finally old enough to say “NO” to the Persian parties I didn’t want to go to (couldn’t avoid them all) and what was even more exciting, I made GIRLFRIENDS.

I didn’t have to be the awkward little girl trailing behind the pack of Persian boys lost in their game of “Capture the Ball,” I finally had sleepovers and listened to hours of Britney Spears with my girlfriends (none of whom were Persian).

GIRLS NIGHT IN

I loved my girlfriends in high school.  I confided in them about everything… from my parent’s divorce to my first blow job.  Until my senior year when I found out that the girl I was closest to had a big fat mouth. [Read more…]

Daddy Joon, Come Plant Flowers With Me.

Hi Joonies,

I’m rather ill but nothing makes me feel better than writing for you Joonjoons…maybe Vitamin C packets, but thats OK.

Who else is fcking STOKED for NO-ROOZ? New Year? NOWROUZ? however you spell it…ITS COMING, HOLLER! It’s PAY-DAY, bitches, and I’m going shopping (OBVI ADDICTED). Spring Cleaning, Son-bols (Hyacinths), and a dish of weed that I explain to my white friends as magical grass. I love this time of year.

But that’s not what this post is about. Sorry.

Remember all the posts I wrote about my parents, and how they kind-of tortured my existence? Well, there’s definitely more to explore there, but I want to tell you about the phase after the teenage rebel/IwanttoRUNAWAY chapter. I know some of you reading are living at home, and cant wait to MOVE OUT. Don’t worry, I know the routine (some may apply more to guys and/or girls)

You know you’re persian and live at home when… [Read more…]

Don’t Hate the Playa, Be Better at the Game

Hey jooooons,

Mondays suck.  But what better way to start off your week with some sex and a side of fessenjoon?  That’s what I thought.

I was going to write about my favorite position but I figured that’d be a little unfair… guys should learn that shit on their own or just stalk me.  Its all about experimenting!

Don't be afraid to just get at it

Jump on it

Before I get into tonight’s topic, let me start with a little story:

Back when I was a virgin (awww), I had to compensate with my hookups in different ways.  Mostly because I never wanted a hook up to know that I was a virgin because I was scared that they wouldn’t want to be with me if they knew how innocent I really was.  Stupid?  I was young… and impressionable.

Therefore, I always played the card, “Yeah baby, we’ll f*ck next time.”

And then the next time, I’d say the same thing… “not tonight” or “you’re going to have to work for it.”  WHO KNOWS how I got away with that shit but I managed to keep guys around for MONTHS thinking that they’d finally get laid if they just kept working at it.

HORNINESS CLOUDS JUDGMENT.  

GET REAL. 

I learned a valuable lesson as a virgin: I was able to keep guys around for so long just because they were continuously working for it.

NEWS FLASH: Fucking guys is never going to land you the guy.  

Horny Frat Boy's Motto

Horny Frat Boy’s Motto

Here’s the thing.  We always talk like we hating playing games, but when it comes down to it:

LIFE IS A GAME.

You beat out others to get on top (no pun intended) whether its in your career or with a man.  He might be better about giving you the go around when it comes to the beginning stages of dating, but we hold all the cards when it comes to sex.  

And here’s why:

Guys will always be down to have sex with you.  The few instances where they actually want to wait… well then they’re just a bitch (jk– they’re the good ones so don’t screw it up).

NORMALLY, guys are going to want you whether you’re their girlfriend or some girl they’ve taken out to dinner a few times.  But if you want to reel that guy in as your man/boyfriend/futurehusband, then my advice: Don’t fuck him.

She knows all about the game

She knows all about the game

There’s a reason why sex is considered the “last base,” the “home run.”  When a guy finally achieves that with a girl, they’re “bringing it home” and there is nothing else to look forward to for them.  They’ve done the unthinkable, they got you to bed… so, what now?  On to the next.  *Especially if there is no attachment holding them back.

Therefore if you really like someone, then you have to leave sex for when you’ve actually progressed in your relationship.  Sneaky?

Um yeah, almost as “sneaky” as waiting 45 fucking minutes to text someone back.  We don’t have all day, and you just look stupid when you wait EXACTLY 40 minutes to respond.  But, take as long as you want to text and I’ll take as long as I want to have sex.

I think that’s pretty fair, don’t you?

Guys are different from girls.  They don’t always get that immediate attachment to someone they have sex with (reality: neither do some girls).  And unfortunately, too many girls think,  “If I have sex with him, he’ll never want to leave me.”

Don’t be that girl.  

I saw so many of my college friends sleep with someone before being in a relationship and then crying about it afterwards because the guy was ignoring them.  Look either you really suck in bed, or you shouldn’t have given it up that quickly. #TRUESTORY.

Unless you’re this girl– she just a hoe

I’m not saying that hot, emotionless sex isn’t possible and isn’t good– because if anyone read my last post (click here), you’d know that I’m ALL FOR THAT.

All I’m saying is that don’t use sex as an excuse to get closer to someone if you want him to be your boyfriend because that shit just isn’t going to happen.

Its part of the game and here’s how it goes (NO matter what some guys say):

- Sex is a “home-run” so only winners should really have a chance to get that far with you.

Most importantly:

- It doesn’t matter if you’ve been “seeing each other” for months.  If he really cares, he’ll wait– and if he doesn’t, then he’s not worth your time anyway.

I am Persian and I vill hit it and quit it- fahmidi?

This is ESPECIALLY the case when it comes to Persian guys.  They fuck the one girl but they marry the innocent one.  So don’t give it up so quick if you’re trying to land a Persian because at the end of the day, they love sex, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to love you for giving it to them.  

And there are so many other fun things to do before getting to sex- so enjoy it.  Because nothing is more fun than teasing :)

So boys– don’t be mad–  DON’T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME.  

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

I just gave away my game, so follow me on Twitter: @Farrah_joon

Told you I wasn’t a hoe,

FARRAH فرح

Feels So Good Being Bad

Hihi joonies,

I originally wanted to start this post off by talking about how innocent I am.  But, I’m not– I’m a Sex and Fessenjoon FIEND and you would know that if you followed me ;)

I’m pretty strict about no sex before a relationship especially if I’m seeing someone that I like, which doesn’t happen often.  And I make it a point to not fuck the guy (not verbally- I’m not that psycho) no matter how bad I want to jump him:

I want it

Because sex is great.  And even though I had to fuck a few idiots before getting it right– it was always worth it.  But let’s be real, as women we get judged if we’ve had too many partners.  If a guy has fucked 10 or even 40 plus, they’re a player.  But we’re hoes and we never like being called a slore (slut + whore).

So if you’re like me and you’re picky about who you choose to commit to then that means you lead a life of celibacy and it sucks.

NEWS FLASH:

Women need to get laid too.  We have needs and sometimes masturbating just doesn’t cut it.

While I may not want to increase my number- I’m really sick of not being able to have sex with someone I trust because society may think of less of me.  I’m an INDEPENDENT woman, who gives a shit what YOU have to say about it!  But most of all, I’m tired of just being horny.  Solution?

Friends with Benefits.

Like, NIKE says: Just Do It

Before I get into the gory (but wonderful) details, there is something important to remember:

Just because you’re single and horny DOESN’T mean you should do everything in sight.  Friends with benefits only work if you follow a few simple rules:

(1).  Find someone you trust.  SOMEONE CLEAN and who clips their nails (because guys with long nails are gross).

(2).  Prepare yourself.  You should already be aware of the fact that you’re only f#cking him, you’re not falling in love with him.  Keeping that emotional bond separate from your sex life in situations like this is important.  So make sure you’re physically attracted to him, NOT emotionally.

(3).  Put it all on the table. LITERALLY- no I’m kidding– (kinda). Talk about it with him before doing it.  I don’t mean to have a drawn out, hours long conversation.  But just keep it real.  Make sure you’re both on the same page before diving in.

When I was in college, I didn’t want a boyfriend.  I knew I wouldn’t be staying after graduation– I wanted to move on to bigger and better things.  So I steered clear from commitment because I didn’t want anyone to hold me back from my future.  I had two close friends in college- both Persian males.  With one, I had an emotional/platonic relationship.  He was like my brother- we talked to each other about our personal lives and even to this day, I still consider him one of my close friends even if we don’t talk everyday.

But the other… Well, we were/are close too.  We shared personal stories with one another, but it wasn’t just platonic.  I was attracted to him and I wanted it.  Bad.

He’s a hottie and he had #swag.  We always joked about sex but neither of us ever had the balls to actually do it.  Until one night, we got drunk and he came home with me.  And it was great because we didn’t worry about being “shy” or trying to act all “innocent.”

We were just in it for the ass.  

We became friends with benefits, and continued it until I graduated from college and moved away.  The best part: it was never awkward because we were both on the same page.  He knew that I didn’t want anything more from him and while I loved him as my friend, I knew I wasn’t IN love with him.

Most importantly, we were still able to hang out with our friends without them even realizing that we were fucking on the side.  Okay fine, they knew.  But we were still able to kick it without anyone feeling weird.

Bliss.

Until I moved across the country and now I only see him maybe twice a year.  Oh well.  Friends with benefits are people too and we’ve been able to maintain a friendship (minus the sex).

But you see, I got lucky.  I got lucky that I was friends with someone who was man enough to RECOGNIZE that I wouldn’t end up wanting to be his wife.

Unfortunately, some guys are SO STUCK UP THEIR ASSES that they actually think if they grace us with their penis, we will fall madly in love with them.

What’s even more annoying: they think that if they decide not to fuck us anymore, we’re going to get crazy.

Fuck me or die

They actually think their penis is so great that if they take it away, we’re going to turn in that jealous, psycho ex.  Um no.  Let’s get a few things straight:

(1). If I wanted to be your girlfriend, I wouldn’t be sleeping with you.  I’m smart enough to know to NEVER give it up that easily.

(2). We’re not always the ones with the attachment issues.

So MEN– check yourself before you decide to deflect your insecure bullshit onto us and blame us for what you didn’t get from your last woman.

(3).  Just because you’re hot doesn’t mean I want your babies.  So stop being a doodool-tala (golden penis complex) and just fuck me.

I like where my life is going and I like not knowing what’s next.  But most importantly, I have Saaghi to fill any void that I might need filled from a man…. minus the sex.  So I went to a good friend and proposed the idea of benefitting from one another.

I mentioned it because we ALWAYS talked about sex.

He flipped out and while he “is down,” he “can be an asshole sometimes” and “doesn’t want to hurt me.”

Guess what.

I CAN BE AN ASSHOLE TOO. 

I’m a big girl, I don’t need you to watch out for me- my Irooni daddy does a good job of that already.

Just because you’ve broken a few hearts doesn’t mean you’re going to break mine. So step off your pedestal and get back to reality.

Is it just me or is this actually true sometimes?

So joonies, this post isn’t to tell you to go fuck randoms because truly, I’m not into that.  And like I’ve said before– we’re Persian- we don’t do trashy.

BUT, I think its time someone told these “men” to STOP OVERANALYZING.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US 

Follow me on Twitter because everyone is doing it ;) @Farrah_Joon

XOXO,

FARRAH فرح
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