Do Me Right

Hey JOONIES,

We want to apologize for being MIA for a few days– we promise that will never happen again.

Regardless, we hope our joonies had a fabulous weekend- ours was a little stressful with our life responsibilities back to slap us in the face, but now that it’s under control (kinda)- we’re back and we have something fun to discuss for tonight.

One night stands.

You either love them or you’re the kind of person who judges others for basking in them. 

At least before you die…

I have mixed feelings about it.  I’m a pretty big believer in not having sex unless you’re in a relationship and there are a few reasons for that:

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Now Tell Me That Ain’t Insecure

JOOOOOOONS.

MONDAYYYY.  Let’s get this week started YO.

F*cking hate Mondays #onthereal.

I got an interesting comment on one of my recent posts.

Let me preface this with saying that we welcome ALL comments– if you don’t like what we have to say, we want to hear it… and if you DO like what we have to say, then we LOVE hearing it.  But at the end of the day…

If I’m just being honest…

Anyway, the commentator mentioned that I “must be very insecure” — because obviously when it comes to dating: where I went to school/what job I have plays a huge role.  And they’re right…

Our society and my upbringing played an integral role in my insecurities. [Read more...]

I Just Want to Be Touched.

Salaam JOOOnies.

This weekend is a blur, and like all weekends it passes by too quickly. My actual Sunday is more like watching BEHIND THE MUSIC: NAS re-runs, trashy reality TV, and mourning over the responsibilities I procrastinate. Hello, Xanax.  But if I ruled the world…

My ideal Sunday would include reflecting on my life with some wine, a beach view and maybe, a guy…maybe. Kinda over the male species right now.

SO I don’t know how many of you Joonies are religious, but you all know where I stand on the issue (if not CLICK HERE). But you know what the most frustrating aspect of religion is?

Hot, religious guys.

Guys who actually prioritze God over their…..you know impulses

and I actually commend them for that, because if you don’t have principles in life, you probably don’t have much. BUT it does kill me when I happen to like one of you…

You see, I can respect a guy’s choice to be religious, if he can accept my lack of religion.

If I walk around in a miniskirt or shorts, I don’t want to see that look of judgment– that ‘ok, she’s a slut‘ label being branded on me. And I know the thought crosses their minds, and I know even if  a religious guy and I have great conversation, I will never be ‘girlfriend’ material for him.

Now, is that principle or discrimination?   [Read more...]

Is This Real Life?

JOONIES.

It’s Friday, 4/20, and that means your day plans are:

a. getting stoned

b. getting trashed

c. all of the above

d. i’m above the influence

If you’re all about the D, then proceed to read and laugh at us.

& if you’re any of the rest- this miiiight sound a little familiar.

We had a little post about Persian girls & weed awhile ago, click here to refresh your memory, but today we’re gonna take some time to tell you azizJOOONs about our experience with Persian Parents & Stoner Adventures.

Saaghi:

Picture Christmas, in Vegas. Yes, the usual time when Persians flood the strip like there’s a sale at Nordstrom.

My brother and I dreaded this vacation- In fact, growing up for us, XMAS was a time for snow, Central Park, and Home Alone movies.

A roadtrip to Vegas with half the family sounded like a butchering of everything that was sacred.

So we decided to bring along some goodies– some Ganja Goodies, to be exact. Our plan was to get the whole family high, and make it the most epic Persian FamilyTime that would be known to mankind. & I know it sounds bad to fool people into eating edibles (IRRESPONSIBLE SAAGHI) but just imagine, my uptight Persian Dad just a LITTLE high (just a little).

He’d say “Is dis real life?” while stroking the Bellagio Christmas Penguins.

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How to Lose a Girl in One Day

HELLOHELLO,

Sometimes when you have a shitty date, you need to let the dust settle before analyzing what exactly went wrong.

See joonies, some guys just go a little overboard when they’re trying to impress you.  This is what they need to realize:

There’s a fine line between confidence and cocky

and when that line is crossed, everything is downhill from there.

#forreal

When a guy asks a girl out- the date should really be about him getting to know her, the date shouldn’t be about how “great” he is.  Ultimately, we really don’t want to hear it.  We’ve already agreed to go out with them, and it’s not so we can listen to how awesome they are.

Going on and on about yourself isn’t going to convince us to suck your d*ck.

Sorryaboutit.

I’ve been on a decent number of dates: I’ve sat through the good, the bad and the ugly (boys: please don’t cry on a first date- it’s a guarantee sex chance killer).  

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chillin with no makeup on, thats when you’re the prettiest?

HAY. we’re almost in MAY.

ok that was corny, but on the real, time flies, doesnt it?

and I always realize this on Mondays…=YOLO FML

I actually drag myself out of bed like this. #sad

Mondays are also when I realize that: the amount of food and alcohol I put into my mouth over the weekend is in direct correlation to how shitty my Monday is.

You know that feeling of waking up on a Monday, knowing you downed enough food for a small country in Africa– and then realizing you have to put on real people clothes.

I know for me, as a PERSIAN girl, its even more of an issue if I don’t keep up appearances for awhile. We need some Intensive Monthly Maintenance which includes: waxing, lasering, hair, etc. Routine Weekly Maintenance: nails, brows, shaving, etc. & THE DAILY: moisturizing, make up, exercising.

Of course, everyone’s different. Some girls wax their moustaches (yes we have them, lets be real) once a month, some do it once a week. Some girls wear foundation everyday, some just brush on the mascara. At the end of the day, its rare that we roll out of bed without a glance in the mirror.

But let me say this, I don’t like doing things without getting credit. So when guys insist,

I like girls who don’t wear makeup.

[Read more...]

Ain’t Fun if Your Homies Can’t Get Some

Hi JOONAMS,

I just want to start off by saying whoever decided that spring break wasn’t for adults was on some serious CRACK.

Moving on… (at least TRYING to).

I’ve mentioned this before, but when it comes to making friends, Persian girls are a tough crowd. We’re not friends with just anyone and we’re quick to hate on any girl that steps out of line.

Persian girls are firm believers in natural selection. We hate so that you become a better person.

It’s really for your own good.  We care about you that much. 

It takes us awhile to accept someone into our inner circle and according to any Persian girl, we are friends with the best of the best.

Persian girls know all 

But here is where we go wrong: when it comes to our men screwing up, we are quick to punish the girl before even considering hating on our man of the hour.

*This applies to women of ALL races- whether they’re black, Asian, white, etc.

We only hate on the “bitch who stole our man.”  How does that make sense when there are two consenting adults backstabbing like they actually have the right to?

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Say Hello to My Little Friend

Hola Joonies,

One of the main reasons why I try to avoid getting into some personal ish on this blog, is because my stories are more embarassing than funny. You know those memories you recall, even two years later, that still make you cringe and blush?

Yaa I got plenty of those, YOLO.

Today, we’re going to talk about my vibrator.

And how he found his way into my life, and came to be my best friend (jk…?). I know Farrah advocated “Practice Makes Perfect” but for me its not practice anymore, FUCK THAT, its how I deal with not getting any– for a while– and not putting out too quickly. Yeah, I said it– women are like men (clearly if you couldn’t tell from S&F): if men think about sex every 6 seconds, women do every 10 seconds.

A lot of girls dont want to admit how sexual they are, or they havent even realized they are yet- but when they do, it becomes a little tricky. They start dealing with something called a nun-slut complex: you don’t know whether to let the ‘Nun’ in you rule ruthlessly, as it usually does, or let the ‘slut’ run wild.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

ANYWAY, back to my friend. I was always one of those girls that thought masturbation was weird/gross/unnecessary. I, naively, did not even think many girls did it…until I got to college.  When I found out the girls in my sorority, that I never thought in a million years would be down with that, actually were…I was fascinated. I still didn’t buy into it initially, but I would hear my best friend’s stories, ‘how it relieved her stress’, how fantasizing was more fulfilling, etc…and I’d think: what would happen if I tried?

After getting an earful for a year, my curiosity peaked…while I was in Iran.

One summer, staying at my grandparents’ house in Tehran, I found myself always alone, bored, and hot.

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Listen or Die

Hihi jooooonie joons,

Ugh only Tuesday? I wish it was the weekend already.  Work hard, play harder… But I can’t play when people expect legit sh*t from me, that’s just how it is.  Can’t get away with a semi-hangover when reality is ready to kick your ass.

At least that’s what my pedar (father) always says.  According to him, “Farrah, you should only go out vonce on de veekend othervise you vill be too tired to get your vork done.”

Um yeah, thanks Baba.

“Ter-ust me, I know best dige.”

Cool.

Did I mention that my daddy goes out to play ALL WEEKEND. In fact, he has weekly ping pong (wtf) and poker nights.

I alvays vin Farrah joon

My Irooni father is like MOST Iranian/MidEastern fathers- he “knows best” therefore, I better do exactly what he says otherwise I’m basically going to suck at life.

If S&F has been ANY indication whatsoever to you, I don’t exactly listen to my Baba and I made it pretty clear after high school, because unlike most Irooni children, I didn’t go straight to college.  I didn’t know what I wanted to be– I only knew that I DIDN’T want to be a lawyer, doctor or engineer.

FUCK COLLEGE

So much to my parent’s horror, I went to junior college.  Which they NEVER talk about even to this day- but I will be the first to admit:

If I hadn’t gone, I would’ve never gotten into a great university.  I would have never scored a legit job.

Most importantly, I would’ve never “found” myself.

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Let Me Put Some Kush Up In It

VASUP, joons.

I’m actually writing to you from the comfort of my futon, in a bathrobe (even though I showered 2 hours ago), munching on whatever I can get my hands on. Its a lazy Monday– we all know real responsibilities start on TUESDAY.

And if your weekend wasn’t as great as mine (I set the bar pretty low, I assure you) then here’s a jam you can rock out to in your bathrobe or your ball gown:

I love Dragonette, and they will be at Coachella– and for all you Persian Princes and Princesses going this year, EFF YOU. HAVE A GREAT TIME.

ANYWAY. this post is mostly for the boyz.  Because I wanna hear what they have to say about the issue:

Girls and Weed.

Trashy or Hot? Does it need a label?

I never really smoked that much in high school– probably a handful of times. I preferred de alcoholism. One reason was because weed seemed to be a guy thing. I didn’t know many girls that  bought their own MJ, or had their own bongs or pipes.

This actually led me to believe that girls who smoked pot were either classless trash, or hippie vegans.

[Read more...]

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