Will You Marry Me?

JOOOOOONSSS.

What’s up azizams.  Shit’s about to get real tonight… well kind of.  I’m going for some major honesty right now and I’m hoping you can understand.

I was at a friend’s barbecue a few weeks ago- My girlfriend and I were the only two people there that weren’t in “a couple.”  And there’s nothing wrong with that– in fact, half of my friends from college are married (scary right) and I have no problem with it.  Until… someone “pities” me for it.

get a room

At the BBQ, everyone else started sharing stories of how they met (over it) until one girl interrupts and says, “Guys, let’s stop– Farrah and X aren’t in a couple, this is uncomfortable for them.” (paraphrasing).

Excuse me?  Since when is your stupid ass story about how you fell into your boyfriend’s lap “uncomfortable” for me?  It might be boring and redundant… but I am by no means uncomfortable with a person’s relationship just because I am single.  If that were the case, then my best friend from college and I would have NOTHING to talk about anymore.

Furthermore, why is it that people automatically ASSUME we are single because we can’t get a boyfriend?

Since when is it “ignored” that we are single because we choose to be?

[Read more...]

I Do What I Want

HI JOONIES.

Happy Memorial Day- this is one of the few times a year where we actually LIKE Mondays.  Just a quick order of business, if you guys email us through our “CONTACT US” page, please make sure you put an email so we can get back to you.  We never like to leave our joonies hanging.  Anyway, we thought you guys might be a little tired of hearing about our Persian parents… so what better way to change it up than with a guest post? Meet DON DRAPER (Persian Version): he has a lot to say about his upbringing and Irooni mother.  So check it out and let us know what you thinkkkk: 

“Davash nakon! Madaret marize, MIKOSHISH!” Translation: Don’t fight her, your mom’s sick, you’re going to kill her!

Me: “Mage chi dare?”  What does she have?

“Hanuz marize, mimire!” She’s still sick, she’s going to die!

 “…Saratan dare!” …She has cancer!

That was an actual fight between my aunt and I.  My mother and I had been fighting about whether I could drive out to a friend’s party one Saturday night.

But my mom didn’t have cancer.

It was a trick.

(My mom had been diagnosed with minor cancer and had the cancer removed 6 months prior).

The point: give in to your mom. Do what she wants. I’m willing to lie about your mom having a terminal illness to get you to give in.

Maman! Vhere do I go?

As long as I can remember, my strong, controlling Persian mom (let no one fool you – women are the stronger sex in Iranian families – soosool Iranian men are aplenty) was willing to go to any length to impose her will on other people. But she always did it with finesse – never directly, never rude, always suggesting, always making threats implicitly.

The message: I can’t trust you.  You can’t handle anything on your own.  The world’s too dangerous.  I can’t even let you try.   [Read more...]

Is it A Boy or an Abortion?

JOONS, I promise not to disappear like this again without advanced notice, but I can’t help playing hot/cold. I’m told that’s how I’ll get rid of my meth, and get all my men ;)

On another note: Memorial DAY WEEKEND Is approaching!! The first reality check on how far you are from BEACH BODY ready…

damnit.

And also sorry for the title, I just watched THE DICTATOR yesterday and couldn’t help myself…only Sacha Baron Cohen could be offensive/crude/funny all at the same time. Not gonna lie though– you can get all the funny scenes in this 3 minute trailer:

And if you fast forward to 2:19, you’ll know what this post is going to be about!

Honestly, I’m sure nobody’s dad wanted to throw their daughters in the trash can because its not 500AD, however I know for a fact my dad treats me like the ‘son he didn’t have til a few years later’.

I’m the oldest. I’m a girl. And I’m Middle Eastern. Screwed isn’t even the word, I assure you.   [Read more...]

I’ll Hit You

JOOOOOONIEESSS.

I feel like it’s been awhile– I’ve been having withdrawals.  I need to speak to some people who can relate to how I feel- who understand what it’s like to have Persian parents.

My NON-Persian friends just don’t get it.  They don’t get why in my mid-20s, I still have to ask my parents for permission to do certain things.  When it comes to certain life decisions, I can’t just decide that “I’m going to do this…” without having to deal with backlash from my parents.

GROUNDED

Moving away from my hometown required me to give a presentation to my father on all the benefits of taking an unpaid internship.  And while I like to think that I’ve risen against and surpassed a lot of my parent’s “requirements,” the harsh reality is that I have to run every decision by them first.

I really feel like your 20′s are your transitional period.  You have to make mistakes and learn from them…  you have to experiment and do things that you normally wouldn’t because you just can’t away with those kind of actions in your 30′s and 40′s.

And I’m not always referring to partying or sex (shocker I know).

I’m talking about going abroad.  Or moving to a completely different city where you don’t know anyone.  I’m talking about taking advantage of opportunities that are available to you that wouldn’t be as easily acceptable if you ARE in your 40′s.

You shouldn’t be settled in your 20′s… that comes later.   [Read more...]

The SingleMan Party

Hey joonie joons,

We decided it was time for a different perspective on the blog– a male perspective.  It’s been a little while since we heard some of our Persian men air out their dirty laundry so what better way than with an exclusive interview with one of West Coast’s finest, THE GRADUATE.  He’s young, hot, successful and living big… what more can you ask for? We’re hoping he can shed some light into the complicated lives of Persian men– plus, we are really excited to read what HE has to say about the double standard between Persian men and women.  Hope you’re ready for this one because we’re sure he won’t disappoint: 

- What kind of lifestyle would you say you had in college– Did your social scene ever evolve as you became older or did it remain the same? 

I had a girlfriend in high school and after we left for college, we tried to do the long distance thing.  But, it just didn’t work out, and I was confused about how I felt and what was going on in that relationship.  My first year of college provided me with a lot of distractions:  lots of parties, lots of girls and lots of drinking.

I have many older, male cousins and they had told me that college is supposed to be the best years of your life, so I had that kind of mindset and those expectations — and it was with that frame of mind that really led the basis of my life in college.

I was experimenting and dating around as much as I could.   [Read more...]

Bullsh!t & Party.

Ayo for Yayo,

anyone see Farrah’s last post? Sh!T’s heated in the comments section, check it out.

And you know, she wrote back cause she’s a BOSS, and I respect her for it. If you don’t vibe with what we write- I respect that too.

& I respect it even more if, despite disagreeing, you keep reading.

Because that is why SEX&FESSENJOON exists. Not because I am obsessed with writing about how much I love sex, how I party, or how embarrassing my dad is.

If you can see past the sex talk, and the capslock/BOLD typing, you’ll see we’re trying to get this culture to start talking. It makes for some uncomfortable reading sometimes, especially if you’re not ready or haven’t had certain experiences yet but take it from a FORMER PRUDE-ITE: when you fall from Eden, you realize how natural “sin” really is.   [Read more...]

I Don’t Do You #Sorry

Hey joonie joons,

HAPPY FRIDAY YO! This is seriously my favorite day of the week. You leave work KNOWING that you have two full days to chill out … work is always kinda uneventful on Fridays… nodramaFridays. Love them.

Anyway, I’ve been a little MIA this week because major writer’s block lately. This is the problem when you’ve sworn off every man in the city because they are all master douches. But most importantly, I am having a hard time remembering all the crazy shit I used to do- denial much? I think so.

They’re called “shitshows” for a reason—because you do everything in your power to black them out of your memory.   [Read more...]

Loose as a Goose

JOOONIESSS.

What up.  Happy f#cking Monday.  Now let’s get right to it.

Bar Etiquette.

Going out with my girlfriends is a pretty regular occurrence on the weekends– as I would assume the same for most of you joonies out there.  No need to hide it, sometimes you just gotta let loose and forget about all the shit you have to get done on Monday.

Work hard, play harder #mottoforlife

It really helps getting through your week knowing that you have FRI./SAT. night to kick it.

#firstworldproblems

Obvs. I’m not the only one out there who likes to leave my problems at home and just get crazy with my girls– but lately, I’ve been noticing others act like total fools at the bar… and unfortunately, we’re not all 21 anymore so let’s have a little class (even when we’re wasted).

Since when is being a total shitshow EVER cute?   [Read more...]

It’s Like This, and Like That

Saaghi Sunday :)

My new obsession is IGGY AZALEA.  She looks like a younger version of Ice-T’s girlfriend.  “There’s a party on your face, and I’m about to dance on it! ” I feel like that’s what all persian girls are saying with the dirty looks they give at the club.

So here’s a good one for you lovely joonies, AOKI+AZALEA fresh. LISTEN here:

Onto the next:

If there’s anything I know about Persian People its that they judge. Yeah, they can say they don’t but really– they do.

In fact I’m tying their tendency to hold grudges with their tendency to JUDGE. Because the harsher you judge people, when they do something wrong, in your head you think ‘OH I KNEW THEY’D BE LIKE THIS’, and then you ultimately, reject them.

But you set them up for failure to begin with. I know this is especially true for me when it comes to guys. I’ve already made them the villain, before they even start acting like one.

We like being RIGHT more than we like people:   [Read more...]

You are SO dumb, FO REAL!

:)

there’s only so many ways you can say hello, and I’m all out for today. & if you love ARAB $$ and SEXY like I do, this song’ll be a hit– summer in Morocco anyone?

and I couldn’t help but post another one for the people going out this weekend:

yeah I kinda gave into #bieberFEVER just a little.

So I’ve decided I have no HOSELEH (HOS for short–patience) for two things:

- ONLINE SHOPPING emails

- Ditzy MEN

One is because I’m broke, the other because I’m too intelligent.

I dont think its ok for girls to play it stupid, but when they actually are that dumb, I just forgive them– because I’m not trying to have sex with them. But for guys, its not that easy. As much as I know not EVERY hook up isn’t going to be an Einstein, I always thought it was safe to assume they have some sort of evolutionary-given common sense. Or could suppress their stupidity for at least the short period of time it takes to get it on.

Saaghi, you’re STUPID. Again.

My friends joke with me that I get with guys on a disability spectrum– from the physically handicapped to the mentally handicapped. I mean there was that one time with the blind guy– but come on! (JK–no one said I was PC on this blog)

But really, now its become a problem: before I’d wait til the next day or tilat least the hookup was over to tell my friends of the stupid sh!t they did, but now I find myself texting/laughing DURING the whole thing.

If I can’t wait to tell the world, it means you’re that ridiculous.   [Read more...]

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