Joonies, its been too long – I missed ya!
Most of the time I find it really hard to write about my feelings.
If you look back in my posts- I’m either Angry, Bitchy, or Embarrassed. I think this comes from the lack of comfort I have with any emotions, in real life. In a sense, I strive for rationality always and prefer cool and calculating over hot and rash #alldayerrday. I suppress the part of me that screams:
Just give me a hug, as I burst into tears.
Why? Well, I think the world around us really lets us know what way of thinking they value more. You never see a job description stating ‘Proficient with Excel. Detail-oriented. Able to communicate and make decisions based on emotions’
Jonah Lehrer said it best: “People commit crimes of passion. There are no crimes of rationality.‘
So I can trace my suppression of emotions back to when I was 7. Welcome to storytime:
In elementary school, once every few months, we had something called ‘the circle of feelings’ or some BS like that (you see my attitude problem started early). It was like a counselor check-in with the class, some lady from school administration would make us sit in a circle and pass around something fuzzy– that I never wanted to touch because it smelled like old people and there were definitely boogers on it.
And we’d go around the room saying how we felt about everything: home, our friends in class, school, finger painting time- whatever. We started every sentence with “It makes me feel_____ when ______”
Therapy Mad Libs for Kids.
Everyone always ended up saying something stupid “It makes me feel sad when Lily takes my Star Wars Legos”
So, being the rebel that I was, one time I decided to say, “It makes me feel mad when we do circle of feelings time”
Safe to say, they didn’t really know what to do with me, but I was punished for my lack of participation and enthusiasm. Time Out, and no Recess. So that put me more in the mindset of : FUCK FEELINGS TIME.
& even better reinforcement?
My dad laughed when I told him the story, ‘Ein Amrikayiha ye khoordeh Divoonand‘ (These Americans are slightly crazy).
Fast forward more than 15 years.
I still say FUCK FEELINGS TIME, but I’m not as good as when I was 7. Probably because I have more on my plate than elementary school problems. And the reason I’m writing this post is not to reminisce on why my emotional IQ has suffered but to tell ALL you joonies:
It catches up to you like wrinkles and sun spots.
Not being taught how to communicate my emotions, or living in fear that my emotions will get the best of me, has caused a lot of problems for me in my personal relationships.
Love, or something like it:
I never thought it was a problem with guys because I thought my ‘tough bitch mentality’ gave me the upper hand. If I acted like I didn’t care, and he thought I didn’t care– then I wouldn’t get hurt.
No, Saaghi, You’re Stupid.
You will get hurt whether you act like a lamb or a wolf.
Preventing your ego and pride from getting bruised, by basically showing the guy a stone-cold face, will be the biggest mistake you’ll ever make.
I thought if I was rational about it all, and pretended like I didn’t have feelings, then I could suddenly transform into the untouchable sociopath. Well, thats actually what makes a coward–
I ran from my emotions because I didn’t know how to express them.
& Thats what made me realize, I had been running a marathon my entire life, and the finish line was not going to be in sight.
Not being able to express how I feel- whether I am unhappy, sad, or just in need of some good love- has really become a diseased lifestyle for my family. My younger sibling has looked up to me, to keep it all in, and it came to a head recently where I found myself in the middle of an anger meltdown.
I broke a frame, as I roared like the HULK, and as the glass splattered all over the floor I finally realized what I really wanted to say:
Just fucking hug me. I’m not as strong or scary as I look.
Why I had to say that with broken glass and punched walls, is beyond me. And thats what has led my family and I to therapy– most in the Iranian community judge on the outside, but we ALL know:
Life’s not perfect in the glass cages we build for ourselves.
My relationship with my very close friends has been up and down, because I do not communicate how I really feel. Degrading my emotions only leads to resentment.
No one tells people that no matter how petty what you think you’re feeling is, you have a complete right to feel it. And honoring that ‘petty feeling’ is the only way to stay true to yourself.
I guarantee there is not one of you reading this, that has not– like the Irooni way has taught you– faked and masked your true emotions, because you thought its not worth it.
When your friend makes an offhanded comment, and you laugh it off…
When your friend does something that hurts you, and you ‘brush it off’..
and when you hurt your friend, and you avoid apologizing…
Let me tell you, none of this will help keep people around– it just pushes people away.
& in the end, you’ll be all alone. And I’m not saying this to be melodramatic- I’m saying it as a fact. Being alone is not a bad reality, but we have to understand that we choose it. I can’t go on thinking people leave me, I have to understand I alienate them. It takes responsibility and respect.
Just like I call out girls who don’t respect their bodies in hoochie outfits, I’m calling out myself:
If I don’t respect my emotions and give them the space they deserve, I’m really not respecting myself.
And I’m no better than the girls in goldfish heels, and silver G-strings :)
We all gots our demons, whats yours? Anybody else down with R-E-S-P-E-C-T?
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