Loose as a Goose

JOOONIESSS.

What up.  Happy f#cking Monday.  Now let’s get right to it.

Bar Etiquette.

Going out with my girlfriends is a pretty regular occurrence on the weekends– as I would assume the same for most of you joonies out there.  No need to hide it, sometimes you just gotta let loose and forget about all the shit you have to get done on Monday.

Work hard, play harder #mottoforlife

It really helps getting through your week knowing that you have FRI./SAT. night to kick it.

#firstworldproblems

Obvs. I’m not the only one out there who likes to leave my problems at home and just get crazy with my girls– but lately, I’ve been noticing others act like total fools at the bar… and unfortunately, we’re not all 21 anymore so let’s have a little class (even when we’re wasted).

Since when is being a total shitshow EVER cute?  

Go home- (why is her tongue WHITE?)

I’ve been that girl before.  You know that girl who falls over at the bar and you just feel embarrassed FOR her?  Yeah, been there done that… and pretty recently too.

It was my last birthday- my friends were visiting from out of town and they were determined to make sure that I had a good time — aka get shit-faced.  And they really helped make that happen by making sure I had a drink in my hand at. all. times.

I’m not really sure when the night started getting hazy but it did, and I woke up with a killer hangover while my friends died with laughter at how ridiculous I acted throughout the night.

There are so many things a girl can do when they’re drunk that’s just not okay and I ended up doing all of them on my birfffday.

Except that… wait does the seat on the train count?

*Note: boys if you think you’re off the hook for this one- you must be on some serious crack.

(1).  Keep composure/balance.  It’s not just funny when you eat shit at the bar… it’s actually really embarrassing and if you were hoping to find a hottie for the night- that shit sails when you fall over.  No one wants to take home a girl they have to carry.

*RAPE ALERT*– and I’d really to think that most guys aren’t into that…

On my birthday, I was so drunk by the end of the night that my friend was holding me up on the escalator down to the train station (to get home).  The security guard stopped us and said that if I wanted to get on the train, I had to walk by myself.

Of  course, my inner Persian biatch comes out (in my drunk ass haze) and I gave him a look of disgust as I attempted to walk “with attitude” in a straight line …

Not happening.

I fell.  He took one pitiful look at me and told my friend not to let go.

(2).  Act desperate.  Um is it just me or does alcohol make you horny too?  Especially if you’re going through some kind of dry spell… #guilty.  Sometimes you just want to make out– nothing wrong with that.

But no guy (unless they’re really gross) is down to hook up with some bitch slurring their words and stumbling.  Especially if you’re just acting a fool and hitting on anything that moves.

Drunk goggles are not a myth.  Don’t make that mistake after you’ve graduated college.

Luckily, on my birthday I was too drunk to think about making out with anyone… at least I think I was. None of my friends had any horrifying stories to share about that, but that might not be such a good thing.

Oh god.

No but really, let’s try to remember who’s d*ck we tried to suck when we were drunk- keep it classy bitches.

(3).  Sometimes alcohol doesn’t always make you happy.  If you have any underlying anger toward a friend, that shit comes out after a few shots.  And if you’re anything like me, you’re usually pretty blunt (which can be good and bad).

 But the club is nowhere to air out your dirty laundry.

Make sure you’re going out on a good note- don’t end the night on a bad note.  Plus no one really wants to hear you drunkenly tell them off or worst… cry about it.  And I did both those things on my bDAY.

But it’s my birthday, I can cry if I want to.

I was really annoyed with one of my friends who came out with us.  He just rubbed me the wrong way– trying to hook up when he has a girlfriend was one thing, but being so persistent and refusing to take “no” for an answer is another.  And I should have addressed it before we all went out.

Instead, I waited until I was wasted- yelled at him in the middle of the bar, told him how much he disgusts me and then cried about it on the way home.

You don’t get your point across to someone who really fucks up when you’re having trouble stringing coherent sentences together.  There’s just no point- so keep that shit for sober conversations only.

You will get kicked out for this

You’re going out to have fun… don’t be a buzzkill for the whole group.

But while girls can act like total shitshows sometimes, guys are almost worst than we are…

Boys- we hope you’re ready for some major life lessons: 

(1). Eye contact.

Look, sometimes when you’re looking around the bar- you’re bound to make eye contact with someone you didn’t mean to.  And just because I looked in your direction doesn’t give you permission to come creep up behind me and poke me in the ass with your drunk p****.  #Justsayin’

So unless I say it’s okay, please keep a ten foot distance between us.  I’m not trying to get crabs with you rubbing your junk all over my backside and trying to sneaking your hands in unwanted places.

That is just never okay.

Really?

(2).  Stay fresh.

Unless you’re really comfortable with your sexuality, you’re probably going to stick to drinking beer.  And that is okay, I like beer too.

But don’t be a fool– beer does not give you sexy/mustmakeoutwith breath.  In fact, you really smell like shit after a few rounds– so keep it fresh, pop a breath mint.

Ladies– we always keep gum in our purses… it’s the man’s turn to take a page out of our book.  Not even going to tell you how many times I’ve rejected a “cute” guy because his beer breath took up the entire club.

(3).  Take a hint.

How many girls have given out fake phone numbers or made up a boyfriend to avoid having to give some random at the bar their phone number?  Almost all of us.  Unless you’re one of those bitches who only gets hot/smart guys (that’s only in movies).

I really thought I had the perfect plan to steer away unwanted creepers.  Whenever a guy I didn’t like asked for my phone number, I’d just say, “Give me yours instead.”  and it really worked … for awhile.

But as most good things come to an end, guys just ended up saying, “Hmm is that a trick?” or “Let me put my number in for you…” then they’d click call so that my number would show up on their phone.  #shadyasshit.

You’re right, why don’t we just say no? It might be a fear of confrontation, but I just really don’t like starting shit when I’m out and drunk guys have at tendency to freak the f*ck out when you reject them outright.  So boys, don’t jump the gun… just steer clear and I promise you…

You will know when we want to give you our phone number.  We aren’t that secretive when there is alcohol in the system.

Patience is a virtue.  So deal with it.

Going out should be fun- you never want to wake up with that gut wrenching feeling, “Omg, what did I do last night?” So keep it simple, have fun and just let loose- there’s no need to be a square, but keep your bar etiquette up to par please.

What do you think joonies- am I forgetting anything? LEMME KNOW.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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CHEERS,

FARRAH فرح
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Comments

  1. Billy Django says:

    Some people never grow up. :(

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