What’s up azizams. Shit’s about to get real tonight… well kind of. I’m going for some major honesty right now and I’m hoping you can understand.
I was at a friend’s barbecue a few weeks ago- My girlfriend and I were the only two people there that weren’t in “a couple.” And there’s nothing wrong with that– in fact, half of my friends from college are married (scary right) and I have no problem with it. Until… someone “pities” me for it.
At the BBQ, everyone else started sharing stories of how they met (over it) until one girl interrupts and says, “Guys, let’s stop– Farrah and X aren’t in a couple, this is uncomfortable for them.” (paraphrasing).
Excuse me? Since when is your stupid ass story about how you fell into your boyfriend’s lap “uncomfortable” for me? It might be boring and redundant… but I am by no means uncomfortable with a person’s relationship just because I am single. If that were the case, then my best friend from college and I would have NOTHING to talk about anymore.
Furthermore, why is it that people automatically ASSUME we are single because we can’t get a boyfriend?
Since when is it “ignored” that we are single because we choose to be?
I’ve been struggling with this issue for most of my life. As if being Iranian and having marriage instilled in my “future” isn’t enough… I’ve had to come to terms with my inevitable future on my own terms WITHOUT acceptance from anyone else.
To be completely honest, I have a really hard time seeing my future with a man in it. In the sixth grade, we had to write our autobiography and one chapter was supposed to be about how we saw our futures. I wrote about being a single mother (adoption… NOT getting knocked up) and being successful in my career of choice.
And since then, I made a promise to myself that I would never let a man get in the way of achieving my future goals. And this isn’t to say that a man will not ALLOW you to get you to where you want to be — this is just MY way of saying…
I am not willing to compromise.
I’m not willing to compromise getting my dream job in journalism because I’m in “love.”
I’m not willing to compromise being sent abroad to cover a breaking story because my significant other needs me to be present.
I’m not willing to compromise getting into a great grad school and not being able to go because my husband has a job elsewhere and I need to be with him.
I’m not willing to compromise anything to have kids.
A lot of people like to feed me the excuse that “oh don’t worry, your maternal instinct will kick in.” But I’m 25 and I’m no where near changing my mind.
Are you really going to argue that motherhood will hit me tomorrow?
This could just be a direct result of being a product of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 16 because I asked them to (click here) and growing up surrounded by constant fighting– really hasn’t helped dissuade me of my decisions.
My mother always said that you should never be dependent on a man. And after they divorced, I watched her struggle and fail as she attempted to make a life for herself outside of her marriage. She’s been out of work for two years now — no leads in sight — with alcohol to numb the pain (click here).
I promised myself years ago that I would never be the type of woman who has to depend on her husband. I don’t want to be my mother.
Let me make something clear: I don’t think that through marriage you are giving up your goals or dreams. I don’t think that you HAVE to be the type of woman who isn’t career oriented just because you are married.
But let’s be real, the only way to a successful relationship is through compromise. And I’m just saying that I’m not wiling to do that yet. Maybe when I meet the right person, but even then– who knows?
I’ve been in relationships/shits. We’ve all read about them. :) And to be honest, when I look back- I don’t regret the break up or giving “him” the time of day to have any sort of effect on me. I regret the person I turned into. I regret the dependency I felt toward my ex because it was foreign to me and it allowed him to have a greater impact on me when we broke up.
But most importantly, it set me back.
When we broke up, I wasn’t as driven or enthusiastic at work as I normally am. And that’s a problem for me. It’s a deal breaker because I am so adamant about not letting a relationship get in the way of what I want — even if it is for a split second.
I regret that I stopped speaking my mind as much as I normally would JUST BECAUSE we were together and I was worried about him leaving me for it.
These are my inadequacies. I’m not as equipped to handle relationships like some of my best friends are.
And that’s something that I’ve come to accept. I’ve realized it, I can recognize it. And I’m okay with it. But when someone tries to PITY me because I have a hard time being dependent on someone else? My first reaction is: fuck you, you’re an ignorant bitch.
But in reality, I’m just set in my ways. I can’t accept the alternative. I have a hard time understanding how my best friend was able to get her MBA while she was pregnant and still putting dinner on the table every night for her husband. I will never be THAT woman. That “perfect woman.” Dime a dozen.
I will never be the perfect Irooni wife, and I am totally okay with that. In fact, I kind of get off on it. But, does being a wife and mother really have to dictate whether you are a “perfect woman?” Why can’t I just be perfect because I’m great at my job and I go for what I want? If that’s what’s expected of our men, WHY is it a “problem” for our women?
YOU. TELL. ME.
But then again, how many Persian guys do you think are willing to accept ME the way that I am?
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