Will You Marry Me?

JOOOOOONSSS.

What’s up azizams.  Shit’s about to get real tonight… well kind of.  I’m going for some major honesty right now and I’m hoping you can understand.

I was at a friend’s barbecue a few weeks ago- My girlfriend and I were the only two people there that weren’t in “a couple.”  And there’s nothing wrong with that– in fact, half of my friends from college are married (scary right) and I have no problem with it.  Until… someone “pities” me for it.

get a room

At the BBQ, everyone else started sharing stories of how they met (over it) until one girl interrupts and says, “Guys, let’s stop– Farrah and X aren’t in a couple, this is uncomfortable for them.” (paraphrasing).

Excuse me?  Since when is your stupid ass story about how you fell into your boyfriend’s lap “uncomfortable” for me?  It might be boring and redundant… but I am by no means uncomfortable with a person’s relationship just because I am single.  If that were the case, then my best friend from college and I would have NOTHING to talk about anymore.

Furthermore, why is it that people automatically ASSUME we are single because we can’t get a boyfriend?

Since when is it “ignored” that we are single because we choose to be?

I’ve been struggling with this issue for most of my life.  As if being Iranian and having marriage instilled in my “future” isn’t enough… I’ve had to come to terms with my inevitable future on my own terms WITHOUT acceptance from anyone else.

No bitch, back off

To be completely honest, I have a really hard time seeing my future with a man in it.  In the sixth grade, we had to write our autobiography and one chapter was supposed to be about how we saw our futures.  I wrote about being a single mother (adoption… NOT getting knocked up) and being successful in my career of choice.

And since then, I made a promise to myself that I would never let a man get in the way of achieving my future goals.  And this isn’t to say that a man will not ALLOW you to get you to where you want to be — this is just MY way of saying…

I am not willing to compromise.

I’m not willing to compromise getting my dream job in journalism because I’m in “love.”

I’m not willing to compromise being sent abroad to cover a breaking story because my significant other needs me to be present.

I’m not willing to compromise getting into a great grad school and not being able to go because my husband has a job elsewhere and I need to be with him.

I’m not willing to compromise anything to have kids.

A lot of people like to feed me the excuse that “oh don’t worry, your maternal instinct will kick in.”  But I’m 25 and I’m no where near changing my mind.

Are you really going to argue that motherhood will hit me tomorrow?

This could just be a direct result of being a product of divorce.  My parents divorced when I was 16 because I asked them to (click here) and growing up surrounded by constant fighting– really hasn’t helped dissuade me of my decisions.

My mother always said that you should never be dependent on a man.  And after they divorced, I watched her struggle and fail as she attempted to make a life for herself outside of her marriage.  She’s been out of work for two years now — no leads in sight — with alcohol to numb the pain (click here).

I promised myself years ago that I would never be the type of woman who has to depend on her husband.  I don’t want to be my mother.

 Let me make something clear: I don’t think that through marriage you are giving up your goals or dreams.  I don’t think that you HAVE to be the type of woman who isn’t career oriented just because you are married.

But let’s be real, the only way to a successful relationship is through compromise. And I’m just saying that I’m not wiling to do that yet.  Maybe when I meet the right person, but even then– who knows?

I’ve been in relationships/shits.  We’ve all read about them.  :)  And to be honest, when I look back- I don’t regret the break up or giving “him” the time of day to have any sort of effect on me.  I regret the person I turned into.  I regret the dependency I felt toward my ex because it was foreign to me and it allowed him to have a greater impact on me when we broke up.

But most importantly, it set me back.

When we broke up, I wasn’t as driven or enthusiastic at work as I normally am.  And that’s a problem for me.  It’s a deal breaker because I am so adamant about not letting a relationship get in the way of what I want — even if it is for a split second.

Don’t worry, I’m not conniving

I regret that I stopped speaking my mind as much as I normally would JUST BECAUSE we were together and I was worried about him leaving me for it.

These are my inadequacies. I’m not as equipped to handle relationships like some of my best friends are.

And that’s something that I’ve come to accept.  I’ve realized it, I can recognize it.  And I’m okay with it.  But when someone tries to PITY me because I have a hard time being dependent on someone else? My first reaction is: fuck you, you’re an ignorant bitch.

But in reality, I’m just set in my ways.  I can’t accept the alternative.  I have a hard time understanding how my best friend was able to get her MBA while she was pregnant and still putting dinner on the table every night for her husband.  I will never be THAT woman.  That “perfect woman.”  Dime a dozen.

I will never be the perfect Irooni wife, and I am totally okay with that.  In fact, I kind of get off on it.  But, does being a wife and mother really have to dictate whether you are a “perfect woman?”  Why can’t I just be perfect because I’m great at my job and I go for what I want?  If that’s what’s expected of our men, WHY is it a “problem” for our women?

YOU. TELL. ME. 

But then again, how many Persian guys do you think are willing to accept ME the way that I am?

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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CommitmentPhobia,

FARRAH فرح
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Comments

  1. The answer to your question:
    Unless you change, in the end, no man will accept you for who you are, let alone an Iranian man.

    • Nazanin says:

      “Eric” your comments are always incredibly rude and make no sense whatsoever. And you must live in the middle of no where surrounded by animals with little to no access to human beings if you think that NO man let alone an Iranian man would ever accepted someone like the writers of this blog.

      • the truth hurts. generation after generation of women are in denial, then as their biological clock ticks away and their beauty fades starting in their late 20′s, they learn the truth the hard way. accept the world for what it is, or consider living your later life in loneliness and despair.

    • Please do the men out there a favor and don’t speak on behalf of any man, let alone a specific group of men. Your opinion is your own.

    • you are right. there are some men who dont like their women to be strong. but who cares.
      Here’s an example, I have been in a mountain climbing group with only two girls and 18 men. there were, fortunately,only 2 or 3 guys who kept thinking that we cant keep up with them. however,we would climb the same path, with the same heavy backpack, in that stormy weather along with everyone else. they couldnt stomach this. On the other hand, I never heard a single word from the other men in our group. Although they were more experienced, we would lead the group in some campings.

  2. This spoke to my hearttttttt. And don’t listen to Eric (not that I actually think you do).

  3. Good post; here’s to doing what’s right for you and not worrying about what others think. I know this is on y’all’s minds, but if it helps to reinforce what a bogus societal rule this is, just remember that it doesn’t apply to men in pretty much every culture, and I’d think any guy worth his salt would understand and appreciate that.

  4. Billy Django says:

    Single, happy, goal-oriented Middle Eastern guy here. FUCK YOU, Eric. :) WTG, Farrah.

    At the end of the day, it’s what you want that is important. Not what culture accepts, tradition dictates and parents authoritate. Ultimately, we get into relationships because we want to be happy. What’s wrong about being happy WITHOUT being in a relationship?

    I’ve been in plenty and I’ve given more than I thought I could. Now, I don’t have to give shit to nobody and I”m happier than I’ve ever been. Maybe I’m a slut – judge me like a jealous asshole/bitch. Maybe I just like being independent – which your married/bf’ed/gf’ed/engaged ass wishes they were. Maybe it’s because at the end of the day, you’ll never get your own Wikipedia entry and I will. Whatever the reason.

    I’m glad you’re in a relationship. And I’m glad I’m not in one – and don’t feel like I NEED one to feel whole, fulfilled. My goals are what I strive for in life. They’re what make me happy. Sure, a bit of bunga bunga here and there don’t hurt nobody. But I’m never going give up my goals in life just so my mamaan could say, “Akhe, Billy, your bache are like the light of my life!”

    And to accept that for myself as a man and not extend that courtesy to women isn’t just wrong, it’s misogynistic. If I can be happy being single, driven by my goals and motivations, so can women.

    So to Eric, go back to fapping to Brazilian fart fetish vids. And to Farrah, dastet dard nakoneh! :)

  5. I kinda agree with your post. People always pity and ask why dont you have a boyfriend! I just dont get it. why should I? or have they achieved more with their boyfriends. The other day one of our relatives was matchmaking me with a guy. I told my mom I hate this!!! and she said your moms exact words. I have to be independent first!

    to some previous comments:
    if you’re not a girl, how do you know what happens to us when we’re 20…or if we care about any of those..you gotta be joking or messing around here cause even my old fashioned iranian dad doesnt think like that!! He wants me to be totally independent and then think about marriage and stuff….he doesnt even want me to marry soon..he’s like, there’s nothing to it…

  6. Seriously, finding your blog is like finding the holy grail in terms of a human who
    understands the many struggles of life through a rational eye. You remind me exactly
    of myself! This is now my first place to come for a cheerup read– thanks!

  7. Naseem Joon says:

    Dear Eric,

    Beauty doesn’t fade after yours 20s. Why don’t you come out from under your rock and take in all the beauty to be seen in 30, 40, 50, 60, and 70YO women.

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