The Club Can’t Handle This Right Now.

salaaam joonies,

today’s post is all about the dark side of being persian– and I’m getting straight to de point.

For some this will be necessary, for others irrelevant. But I promise it is entertaining nonetheless, so LEGGOOO

Persian Club Etiquette For Dummies.

Introduction:

Let me break it down. I know that how much fun you have at clubs is inversely related to how many times you go clubbing. Especially if you start before you hit the legal age, the big 2-1 (eff 18+ nights! #sorryboutit) The earlier you start, the more jaded you get. But aside from that, this is fact:

I can’t count how many times I’ve been clubbing, but I can count how many time’s I’ve enjoyed it.

(Ibiza takes the cake FOSHO)

I go to clubs for music, and dancing– there is nothing better than seeing your favorite DJ play a live set. But for some Persians, clubbing is a different ball game. They ruin it for the rest of us, but if you by chance want to join their ranks– here’s a few lessons.

Lesson 1:

PERSIAN GIRL BONDAGE.

To me, if your whole closet consists of bandage skirts and dresses you for sure have a bondage fetish, and wouldn’t know good style  if it hit you in the face.  But for Persian Clubbing purposes:

Any Herve Leger knockoff will do, but you gots to have the bandage look.  Make sure its short, strappy, and sucks it all in. Preferably in black, grey, or silver.

BEBE Dresses are game, but thats for the girls who wanna get it in. There are only a few that pull off BEBE minus the TRASH-E.

Queen of Bondage Dresses.

LESSON 2:

PERSIAN BOTTLE SERVICE

Even if you still live at home, are unemployed, and/or can’t pay your bills, you should still buy a table. because that is the way you get the hottest PERSIAN BONDAGE GIRLS to come your way— you lure them with large glass bottles and a velvet rope.

Poppin’ Champagne Like We Won a Championship Game

but do me a favor,

DON’T MAKE IT RAIN IF YOU CAN’T PAY RENT.

you’ll regret it in the morning.

LESSON 3:

BOUNCER FLIRTING.

Out of the group of Persian girls that flock into the club, there is always one that flirts with the large-and-in-charge bouncer. She either thinks she can shmooze her way to VIP (rarely works) or she’s the one with the daddy issues and a power complex–

TIP OF THE DAY:  make use of her, cause either she comes out looking like an idiot, or its your girls night to skip the lines. Life is a gamble.

LESSON 4:

DJ PRETEND.

In my mother’s words ” Everybody, and their nanneh’s (mommas) are DeeJays now”

Eons ago, persian guys lied about being Doctors, Engineers, and Lawyers…nowadays, they’re all DJs or Club Promoters. I think they figured its harder to produce a fake PhD degree.

Persian Clubhead Bondage Girls love Persian DJ MAKE-BELIEVEs and SLEAZY PROMOTERS. It guarantees fresh parties for the next weekend.

So, if you don’t have the balls to pretend you’re the next Tiesto, at least make it seem like you had something to do with getting this party going. She won’t think to verify, I promise.

LESSON 5:

Get your MAC on.

With all the dancing, sweat, and exhaustion of 7 inch heels– you need a face that will not fail you.  Have no Fear, MAC is here– the best club make up, where you can actually not look like yourself. & to be fair, a lot of girls wear MAC, and look fantastic…but

Persian Clubhead girls wear MAC and look like they’re in drag.

The flashy lips,mix of dark eyeshadows, winged eye liner…glittery blush…you get 20 points, if you pile on enough Face Bronzer that it contrasts with the rest of your body.

LESSON 6:

Buy your shots, but Dirrrty looks are on the house. This applies more for girls than guys of course, but here’s a little rundown:

The Ladies bathroom at every club is where you stand in line, impatient, drunk, and judge every other girl and her outfit. You can talk shit in Persian, or just give the ‘I’m head bitch of this bathroom’ stare.

Occasionally there will be a nice person that throws out a compliment, but she’s other really drunk and proceeds to ask you to hang out tomorrow, or is just old and unaware.

Now, these are the lessons for now. More to come later. I know Summer is Approachin, and you Joonies will have more time on your hands than ever.

Questions? Concerns? Contact me.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

TWEET ME: @SAAGHI_JOON

all CLOOBED out,

SAAGHI  ساقی
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