David Golshan: No Tala Here.

There’s funny, and then there’s David Golshan Funny.

Let me tell you the difference: For Persians, funny is a FOB accent and talking about Persian Parents. Perfect the two, and you’ve got a great family friendly routine. That’s where most Persian Stand-ups draw the line.

Then there’s David Golshan Funny. There’s FOB accents, Persian Pop singers, Bill Clinton Impressions, Michael Jackson Routines, and a whole lot more.

With him, there is no line- it’s all fair game, and thats kind of how we like to play here at S&F too.

He’s a comedian, an actor, and a businessman.

He’s been on Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker with a butler who fed him grapes- and Shahs of Sunset. He has a few alter egos including Chef Tony Montana and ex-Black Cats Pop Star Shahram Shattarang (check them all here) & finally, he reps his roots by hosting Middle Eastern Night at Hollywood’s Laugh Factory.

There’s a reason I could not stop laughing during this interview (I wonder if David heard me snort at one point #embarassing).  Golshan can deliver punch after punch, and it gave me one of my best ab workouts. Hopefully, it’ll be just as good for you joonies…

-Saaghi 

- Tell me a bit about yourself…

I was born in Long Island, NY. When I was less than 1 years old, I moved to a small town called Beverly Hills.

I attended Beverly Hills High School which was essentially one big Persian Party, their mascot should be the Black Mercedes instead of the Normans.

From there I went to Pepperdine University, where I graduated with a degree in Political Science. I was preparing to go to law school, and had a fashion internet catalog business on the side. It was a hobby I had for a few years, and I worked on it about once a week. Then one day, as I was walking back into a Law Prep Course from lunch, I checked my orders and saw that I had made more money in that short time than I had in the past five years combined.

I picked up my books, and told the guy ‘it was nice meeting you, I’m outta here.

- Do you have any siblings?

I have three older siblings, who are all married with kids. I pretty much grew up with five parents.

Clearly though I didn’t get all the attention I deserved or else I wouldn’t post half naked pictures of myself on facebook. I work out because of all the attention I didn’t get from the women in high school.

- How do you think your Persian and Jewish side interact?

They definitely clash:

My Persian side wants to go to an SBE club, buy bottles, go crazy, make it rain. My Jewish side wants to grab the money as it falls to the ground screaming, ‘WTF are we doing! We need to invest this!’

My Persian side wants to dump the whole bottle of D&G cologne on myself. My Jewish side wants me to use as little sprays as possible.

- Do you think there’s a divide between Persian Jews, and Persians who are not Jewish- like Persian Muslims, Baha’is, etc?

I think its shifting. Everybody’s coming together. I don’t see a huge divide, I hang out with a lot of other religions– and overall, its getting more and more diverse.

Personally, I go for whoever’s hottest, I don’t care if you’re best friends with Ahmadinejad; if you’re hot, it’s cool.

- How do you feel about politics in Iran, and in general?

In terms of Iran, I want a free Iran. I’m pro-democracy in Iran and I stand with the Green Movement.

I’m a Democrat, and I love Bill Clinton, as a President and as a Pick Up Artist. Clinton’s laugh makes everything OK. He can insult you, but with his laugh he can do no wrong. (Insert a great impression of Bill Clinton)

Watch David Golshan as Persian Pop Singer, Shahram Shattarang:

- Tell me your best or worst memory about being Iranian.

There’s not just one. There are so many little things, that make it great to be Persian.

I love that at the end of a Persian wedding, it becomes a supermarket sweep for Persian Mothers. My Grandma at the end of a Persian wedding, “David, help me take dis 300 pound floral arrangement and everyting in de lobby to your mother’s car GHORBOONET BERAM.’

I love that at the Nessach Israel Temple, Persian Jews come for half synagogue, half QVC. The rabbi becomes an auctioneer, and they’re always trying to sell you things.

I love that Persian women can be a virgin nine times over. Cats have nine lives, Persian women have nine virginities. My ex was six times, which was perfect because we had three more to go before she was a slut.

I mean, I really love everything about the Persian culture.

I just don’t understand one thing: Persian mothers and grandmothers shove food down your throat. It’s 1 am and they’re giving you two pounds of white rice, khoresht, etc. Then when you gain weight- they call you out on it, in public. We have no problem or shame announcing “chagh shodi?” (have you gotten fat?) in front of 100 people.

If someone gets a divorce, no one talks about it. But gain two pounds, and its announced to the world.

- What do you think about Persian Guys?

Persian guys, we need to stop being so image-driven. We invented the phrase “I don’t live with my parents, my parents live with me.”

We just need to stop doing things because they look good:

Buying Magnum Condoms might look good in front of your girlfriend, but if you have to knot it six times, and it just looks like a midget parachuting, you shouldn’t buy them.

If you’re asking to borrow 20$ everyday for gas money, you shouldn’t drive an SL550.

Don’t use your dad’s Black American Express card because the girl’s not going to be impressed. She’ll ask “Who the hell is Hoo-shang?”

- Would you consider yourself a ‘doodool Tala’?

No, I’m 100% Titanium Stainless Steel. I got no gold on me whatsoever. No Tala here unfortunately.

- What kind of girls do you prefer to date?

#1 Persian, #2 Brazilian, #3 Others.

But I’m lucky, because I know my Persian Grandma will approach hot Persian girls for me. Thats why I signed her up for a How To Pick Up Women course.

She’s A Pick Up Artist Persian Grandma.

In general though, my strategy with persian girls is that I wear my tax returns and my wallet around my neck. I pretend I’m mute, and they only realize 6 months in that I can talk.

- What made you want to start doing comedy?

I always loved joking around, not taking things too seriously. I started doing sketches years ago, 3-4 years ago started doing stand up.

First couple of times, my heart beating was like crazy. But you gotta go up there, and just say fuck it- if it’s funny, then great. If it’s not then I go to Shamshiri and order a joojeh kabob.

- How did you come up with your characters, Shahram Shattarang, Chef Tony Montana, and others?

Shahram character- my friend and I wrote it 3 years ago, based on a bunch of Persian up and coming pop singers, and added some of the older persian guys. Shahram has his first solo cassette because before he was a part of Black Cats- but they kicked him out cause he turned 30.

Shahram Shattarang visits Elat Market in Los Angeles, where he is now banned from:

- Have you ever had an awkward moment offending someone and them confronting you?

I was making jokes about Latina Women, how they’re too fertile- I made a joke about poking one on facebook and she got pregnant- this Latina women started screaming in the show- “don’t talk about Latinas!”

I was like, “What are you talking about? If it wasnt for them, I’d still be a virgin.”

In general, I make fun of all ethinicities. In this day and age, racism is a joke- it doesnt make sense anymore, so joking about it is the funniest thing.

- Would you say Persian girls with black guys, is a lot like Persian guys with Mexican girls?

We don’t lie about it. I’ve never heard of a Persian guy sneaking behind a dumpster to meet up, or having anal sex to remain a virgin.

- In terms of your TV Career, what’s your goal with it?

My main thing is to be on TV comedy, and continue doing stand up.

David Golshan on Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker:

- What do you think about shows like Shahs of Sunset?

It had it’s good parts and parts they could have improved on. A lot of funny scenes they cut out, they wanted to take it in direction of drama, but I hope it’s successful.

I think its good for people who live in Nebraska- for them to see that Iranians are not terrorists. That they’re going to Vegas, having fun. Even though its very ridiculous, its better than letting CNN define us through the few instances of violence.

I think its funny though how we can film shabbot dinners on a wednesday afternoon, or fake real estate exchanges. That’s beautiful. Only in hollywood, can shabbot dinner be on a Wednesday afternoon.

- 3 things you value most in life:

1. family 2. honesty 3. loyalty

Tony Montana, he’s my idol. Scarface is my favorite film, anything you need to learn in life– you can learn from Scarface.
(David can really re-enact scenes from that movie, line by line)

- The best thing about having Persian Mom…

Incredible love, and incredible Persian food. Mostly Ghormeh Sabzi.

- What would you say is the biggest thing you’ve learned in your 20s, that you’d tell the younger generation?

Work as hard as possible in your early 20’s, work like crazy, the partying that you do then is nothing compared to the partying you can do when you become successful and have your own money.

When you get bottle service at clubs, don’t wear tight Ed Hardy t shirts- I’ll beat the fuck out of you.

If a woman sleeps over, be sweet to her no matter what. Get her the morning after pill. (shout out to PFIZER! Control my whole life with Viagra, and the morning after pill)

- And lastly, how do you like your fessenjoon?

I don’t like Fessenjoon. or Kotlet. I like your blog though!

Check out more of David’s stuff here: http://www.davidgolshan.com/

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

TWEET US: @SEX_FESSENJOON

xx,

S&F Team
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Comments

  1. Two words: Stud Muffin

  2. This is amazeballlz! once, twice, three times a virgin

  3. Pretty damn funny. And hey, I’m down with any guy who eats basmati for breakfast ;-)

  4. Lmfao, the trolling level that he reached on matchmaker is just priceless.

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