Put A Cookie in the Douchebag Jar

Hi JOOOONIES,

T-1 day TILL FRIDAYYY.  Can’t be more excited.  I’ve been having major writer’s block this week…

There’s only so much sex I can have– and so many of those stories worth telling.

We’ve heard it all– the bad dates, the cocky guys aka the usual walking disasters I seem to be interacting with on a daily basis.

Bad dates aren’t hard to come by, actually it’s the good dates that rarely ever seem to happen for me.  I’ve experienced it all: cocky assholes, workaholics, cocky, shy, cocky, cocky, cocky.  And for many of us (like me), the time to say goodbye can’t come fast enough.

Unless they surprise you with that super awkward kiss attack– and then you both end up having to walk the same route to get home… FML, worst possible case scenario, happens WAY TOO OFTEN.  

ew

But there’s only so much damage a guy can do during the date.  Sometimes, it’s the aftermath that really f#cks it up.

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with this guy from work.  He was fun to talk to in the elevator– so when he suggested Persian food for dinner, how could I resist?

*Please note: he was NOT Persian… Armenian Lebanese– everything my dad would disapprove of… which made him that much more appealing.

There’s something about tall, dark and handsome I just can’t resist…

…And mix that in with some chelo kabob– I’m done.  Sold.  All yours.  Not much room to mess that up, if you ask me.

Biggest aphrodisiac for Persians

I was wrong… 

The date started an hour late because Aroos khanoom (Trans.: the bride) took 45 minutes to text me directions.

When I finally got to his house, we sat on his couch and watched random sh*t on TV- there was nothing to talk about because every time he opened his mouth, all he could say was how great he is.

Over it.

I chugged my beer in hopes that his lame ass talking points would just breeze on by and I could get through dinner tipsy — with little memory of the date.

We go to the restaurant and all his questions had to do with typical Persian girl stereotypes:

Do you own a BMW?”

No.

Your parents are rich though, right?”

….

I dated this one Persian girl who was psycho, are you super high maintenance too?”

Does wanting to slap you across the face every time you open your mouth count as high maintenance?

He talked out of his ass so much that I couldn’t even finish my food.  This is a rare occurrence for me- I always finish my food. 

That entire next week at work, I avoided him like the plague.  But, that didn’t help because he would just visit me at my desk almost everyday.

Note to self: Don’t shit where you sleep– this includes work, neighborhood and within your group of friends.

But hey, you learn through your mistakes… or so I thought.

My coworker went on a “work lunch” with him the next week where apparently, he proceeded to talk about his girlfriend of six months the entire lunch.  My coworker is a man– so there was no threat of trying to ward off an unwanted girl crush.

Needless to say, he’s a prick.  Especially because he still asks me out on a weekly basis.

Aww, girlfriend not doing it for you?

Since when did you think I’d be down for a. your cock–iness and b. your taken status?

 I’m not really sure if I’m the one who’s attracting these losers– whether they have secret girlfriends or can’t handle another person’s success– or if I just have terrible taste.  Whatever it is, I’m disgusted.

Are people really that full of themselves to think it is acceptable to check out what else is out there while they’re taken?  And how is it even possible to lie through your teeth without an ounce of guilt?

Cheating is a touchy subject.  I have a tendency to think that people can rarely change.  My motto is, “Once a cheater always a cheater.”  But this doesn’t mean that I haven’t been proven wrong- because I have (ONCE… and it wasn’t my personal situation).

It takes an extremely insecure person to want to cheat or lie to make themselves look more desirable to others.

It takes a really delusional “man” to think that he is so great that any woman would be willing to f#ck him even if he has a girlfriend.

Sorryboutit but I’m not into the whole three-way thing… you’re on your own with this.

#KEEPDREAMING.

I really don’t need to get laid that bad… thanks for the concern though.

 I’ll be the first to admit I’m not perfect.  Back in the dayyyy, I had no problem flirting or dancing with other guys if I was taken– in college, I was always treading the fine line of cheating.  Leading guys on, going out to dinner — pretending like we really were “just friends” even though I had a boyfriend waiting back home.

I always thought “doing the physical act of cheating” is the only requirement that results in being a super scumbag.

But the older I’ve gotten, I realized that I would want to choke a b*tch if my man was flirting with her.  Therefore, if your relationship means anything to you, then you should never put your “significant other” in a situation where they’d be freaking the f#ck out.

At the end of the day, if you’re distracted by other girls/guys– then WHY ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP?  Is someone holding a gun to your head?  Pretty sure, that’s not the case.

So homie, here’s what I have to say to you: Get over yourself.  Let it go and drop that beez if you’re trying to get with other hoes– no one likes a selfish guy.

JOONIES– how many douchebags have you had to fight off with a stick?  Hopefully, your list is shorter than mine…

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

TWEET ME: @FARRAH_JOON

IGotsBadKarma,

FARRAH فرح
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