Stuck in the F-ZONE

Hey jooooonies,

Hope you all had a chance to read our guest post this week by the wonderful DOOZY FAB (click here if you missed it), what did you guys think: better to keep your guard up or take risks?

Personally, I’m all about taking risks and making “mistakes,” but not so much when it comes to love.

GAH did he just say he loves me?

I’d rather f#ck someone with no emotional attachment than to open up and feel something.

But I’m just going to go ahead and say that’s because I haven’t met the right person yet… #excuses.

ANYVAYYY, I was back home last week visiting some friends and obviously, family (my parents would shoot me in the face if I ever went on a vacation that didn’t involve them).  Of course, I was able to escape my parent’s claws of entrapment eventually and was finally able to see some old friends that I hadn’t connected with in awhile.

I met up with some old girlfriends and guy friends.  Sitting across from these guys who had been my best friends in high school and college, I was hit with this thought:

Is sex ever “off the table” between a guy and a girl?

Does being “just friends” really mean that one person has never considered having sex with the other person?  Or if sex is too drastic, then what about kissing/hooking up?

I reconnected with an old friend from high school over my vacation.  We were in the same group of friends– and he was there for all my childhood debauchery- random late nights out with friends, jumping over fences so we wouldn’t get caught, secret keggars, the whole deal.  But we had never really developed a friendship in high school- we were just part of the same group.

He came over one night for a beer and to catch up.  At the end of the night, he gave me two hugs (wtf) and leaned over to kiss me… I turned so he caught the cheek.

Maybe he was just trying to be nice because he hadn’t seen me for years… but LET’S BE REAL- how likely is that?  How is it that somehow throughout our conversation sitting about five feet apart on completely different chairs, I gave off an impression that I was possibly interested?

WHY? Because I was nice? Because I laughed at his jokes or listened to what he had to say?

How does that translate to: “Let me go down on you … NOW.” (over exaggeration). 

I’ve done it all– I’ve been good friends with guys before where nothing has ever materialized into anything more than just that (okay just ONCE)… but I’ve also had sex with one of my closest friends from college (click here).  So to be honest, I don’t know if sex is ever off the table, or if a guy is being nice to me because he actually cares about me as his friend.

I used to believe that girls and guys could be just friends– with no desire to be anything more… no sexual thoughts, NOTHING.

Then I started to relive moments where I’ve had a falling out with some of my guy friends because they always took it a step too far.

When I was in college, I became really good friends with this guy in my Farsi class.  He always provided me with the notes from class whenever I ditched and was there for me when I needed him– and vice versa.  Throughout the years, we developed a wonderful friendship.  We confided in each other, talked about random things, etc.  And I loved that nothing had ever happened between us because it was truly a platonic friendship… or so I thought.

Three years later, he mailed a handwritten letter to my house declaring how much he “loves” me and wants us to be together.  To say our friendship was ruined is an understatement.  I just didn’t want what he asked of me.

And now, I can never talk to him freely about anything that crosses my mind whether it has to do with relationships or sex or simply my family because I know he just doesn’t want to hear it– and the worst part:

I know I’m hurting him when I stop filtering my thoughts and just act like myself.

Because at the end of the day, he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say… he just wants me to feel the same way that he does.

What kind of a friendship is that?

Even with guys I’ve BRIEFLY (as in less than one month) dated — a real friendship has never been able to develop from those past moments where we might have kissed once or twice.  Those who have tried to make a friendship out of a failed attempt at dating only respond to my current dating life as, “Well, I think you go for douchebags because you’re not ready for a relationship.”

Um thanks for the analysis, but I really didn’t ask for your passive aggressive comments.

I’ve started to realize that I put up a defense mechanism with a lot of my guy friends to ensure that potential feelings never surface.  I talk about who I’m dating, whether I’m hooking up with someone and why I’m anti-relationship AT THE MOMENT in an attempt to ward off any unwanted come-ons.

But is that really fair?  Do I have to overcompensate by talking excessively about some guy I hooked up with just to make sure that my FRIEND doesn’t ever try anything?

Is it really acceptable that whenever one of my guy friends does something nice for me, I have to ignore that lingering thought in the back of my mind that he might have different motives for his sudden generosity?

When one of my good friends bought me a gift card to my favorite restaurant for my birthday, my girlfriends all responded like, “Oh, he must really like you.”

Why can’t it just be: “Wow, what a great FRIEND!”

It almost feels like I have to engage these friendships with constant paranoia and care just to make sure that THEY never get the wrong idea.

*disclaimer: I’m completely aware that this goes both ways.  But my question is not whether guys feel this way more than girls (or vice versa), my question is whether or not it’s possible to NEVER feel this way toward the opposite sex? 

I try to think about how I feel with MY guy friends.  Do I ever see anything more with them than just a friendship?  And the truth is, that I’m sure the thought has crossed my mind whether I had a fleeting thought of what it would be like to be their girlfriend or to rip their clothes off- but it’s never lingered long enough for me to act on it.

It’s never been a feeling that was WORTH acting on– how many other people can say the same?

In reality, if I was really interested in someone- whether they were my friend or some random guy, I wouldn’t be afraid to show it.  In fact, I’m pretty bad at hiding my true feelings- and most of my FRIENDS know that.

At the end of the day, if you’re really interested in someone, you’re not going to be blabbing on and on about the great sex you had the previous week.  Or the fact that you just aren’t looking for a relationship right now.

If I really want you, then you’ll know it- you won’t have to read between the lines.

So please don’t do me any favors by “taking a chance.”

What up joonies- what do you think?  Can guys and girls really be just friends?  I’m having serious issues with this one…

The naive part of me wants to say: YES.

But all my experiences point to: FUCK NO.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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TWEET ME: @FARRAH_JOON

CONFUSED,

FARRAH فرح
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Comments

  1. I definitely think yes, but it requires having healthy friendships and a healthy conception of sex. First, I don’t understand the problem with hooking up with someone and staying friends. If you’re comfortable with the person and what you did, there’s no reason for it to be awkward – people sometimes just make it that way. Second, if someone does come on to you and you’re not interested, what’s the big deal? Why do you have to be so worried that they’re going to?

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