Vacation with the Crazies

Holla for dollas.

Its been awhile, maybe because I’m on a family ‘vacation’ a.k.a ‘Not-a-vacation

(there are absolutely no Iranians where I am, or black people)

I know the past few posts may make me sound like I hate my family, but lately, I’ve been suffocated with so much FAMILY that I keep getting flashbacks of scarring memories from my childhood– and I just need to air it out on the therapists’couch I call #SEXANDFESSENJOON.

You see, I’ve been blessed with a great family. They truly are the three C’s: caring, compassionate…and CRAZY.

Each of them are CHARACTERS. Each with their own exclusive problem-OCD, ADD, ANXIETY, ALL OF THE ABOVE- and each with their own exclusive way of ‘communication’. Its truly an Irooni- Wes Anderson movie. I’ll leave ‘character bios’ for another post, maybe it is time you joonies MET THE FAMILY (omg, are we there yet? such a huge step).

For now, let me tell you a bit about PERSIAN Family Vacations: SAAGHI style. 

 I hate them. Absolutely dread them like Herpes. and each one I’ve gone on, I have vowed it would be my last (ACTUALLY, we all vow it will be our last)– but of course, we get guilt tripped into the next one.

My experience has taught me one important lesson: Never leave home without earplugs and xanax.

Don’t even think about lecturing me on ‘not taking this time for granted’ blablabla..until you have read below:

1. Tyranny of the Majority Persian Mother:

Persian moms can get you to do anything they want, because they’re not afraid of playing dirty. My mom’s tricks include: pinching, the evil eye, complaining about her health, her headache, heaping on the guilt, and finally CRYING.

Out of nowhere, tears well up in the woman’s eyes, and she complains that her vacation has been ruined because one of us doesn’t want to walk around aimlessly with her.

Or sometimes, she cries when she’s hungry and we don’t feed her what she likes.

2. My Brothers’ Womanizing

My brother used to be the innocent younger sibling, pretty mute and obedient. Then he became a teenager, and then he became a football player. It was all downhill to BRO-ville from there. In fact, my brother’s idol/hero is Johnny Bravo- remember him?:

And his constant ‘damn, that girl’s ass‘ or ‘she gave me the fuck eye‘ really gets on my nerves– especially because if I say our waiter is cute, he calls me out–’Saaghi, why you so thirsty?’ If you have to UrbanDictionary that, I got you already, click here. & Really, its my brother who needs to have his thirst quenched…

He’s like sports commentary, you think a pause means they’re going to shut the f#ck up, but really its just to catch their breath.

“That girl wants the D.”

No bro, she’s just walking by.

3. Sex.

Yes, once I was a victim to hearing my parents having sex in a “villa-style” (two-floor) hotel room we rented. My ipod was out of batteries, and I was very close to suffocating myself under a mountain of pillows.

I vowed never to forgive them for that one.

image

4. My Persian Dad’s Negotiations & Jokes with the white People.

There is not a single time that we have stayed somewhere and my dad hasn’t at least negotiated with the: valet, concierge, manager, room service, etc. And the corny jokes that follow.

I know wi-fi is 24.95 a day, but it should be free”

But sir, this is hotel policy, everyone is charged this much- unless you’re on a corporate package.

I am on a corporate package

Sir you’re here with your family.

This is the corporation I run!” Cue- Persian Dad Laugh. CUE-Everybody’s uncomfrotable.

how my dad thinks* he negotiates

We have this rule now, that my dad has to run what he wants to say publicly by us–  because oftentimes his jokes are only funny to him, in his head.

5. The Endless Interrogations & Comparisons

Persian Parents LOVE family vacations, because they finally have you stranded somewhere and you have to give them your attention.

Its’ like family dinners on Steroids.

There’s the stories about other people– other family members, friends, friends’ kids, people they barely know…

there is always someone they are familiar with in the universe who is doing GREAT in life– getting married, getting a PhD in nuclear Physics, Marathon runner, and a Doctor on the side.

And then there’s the questions:

What are you doing with your life? When do you want to get married? Isn’t it time you found someone? Do you brush your teeth everyday? Have you paid your bills? Are you sure your not going to jail for that speeding ticket?

oh and, vat de hell is in dat computer that is so interesting?

OH, if only they knew.

Are your family vacations different– if so, are there strategies, or DRUGS you use? please recommend.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

TWEET ME: @SAAGHI_JOON

aLL Family-ed OUT,

SAAGHI  ساقی
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Comments

  1. HAHAHAHA oh how I have missed you Saaghi… I have the EXACT same family situation and have used my “extremely busy” school and extra curricular activity schedule to avoid any and all family vacations that don’t include alcohol and some guy I can potentially make out with once the family is asleep… and is it sad that both my little bro and the guy I liked for the longest time both IDOLIZE Johnny Bravo? #persiandoodooltala #gottalovethem

  2. Truthfully, Persian family vacations are like having to go to work. You don’t like going to work and you bitch about having to go to work and dealing with all the things that come with the job but when you’re unemployed you wish you had a job. I used to get really irritated when I would go on vacations with my typical Persian family for very similar reasons that you’ve listed in your blog. However as I got older, being a very rebellious I stopped letting them guilt trip me and I stopped going to all sorts of places with them Not only vacations but mehmoonies, or even shopping with them for a few hours at a time. Nothing could make me return to that hell of an experience. Until one day a few years ago it hit me and I willingly decided to join them on yet another “vacation” after swearing I never would. Turns out as much as I missed it and Ideally I thought perhaps growing up would make me develop the ability to endure and possibly enjoy their company more on vacation after a day or two that faded and the same feeling I once dreaded reared its ugly head. I think it’s going to a be another 10 years at least before I join them again, but then again last time I swore I wouldn’t and look what happened. Persian families, can’t live with them, can’t live without them, after all where else am I going to get my Ghormesabzi fis

  3. I’ve been avoiding family vacations since the early 90s, but still I get sucked into them every single time. It’s so funny how similar Iranian families are. I have to say though, I laughed pretty hard at your baba’s joke. Now I’m more than a little worried that I’m becoming a Persian dad.

  4. STORYYYYYY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Oh God, so I’m not the only one?

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