Holla for dollas.
Its been awhile, maybe because I’m on a family ‘vacation’ a.k.a ‘Not-a-vacation‘
(there are absolutely no Iranians where I am, or black people)
I know the past few posts may make me sound like I hate my family, but lately, I’ve been suffocated with so much FAMILY that I keep getting flashbacks of scarring memories from my childhood– and I just need to air it out on the therapists’couch I call #SEXANDFESSENJOON.
You see, I’ve been blessed with a great family. They truly are the three C’s: caring, compassionate…and CRAZY.
Each of them are CHARACTERS. Each with their own exclusive problem-OCD, ADD, ANXIETY, ALL OF THE ABOVE- and each with their own exclusive way of ‘communication’. Its truly an Irooni- Wes Anderson movie. I’ll leave ‘character bios’ for another post, maybe it is time you joonies MET THE FAMILY (omg, are we there yet? such a huge step).
For now, let me tell you a bit about PERSIAN Family Vacations: SAAGHI style.
I hate them. Absolutely dread them like Herpes. and each one I’ve gone on, I have vowed it would be my last (ACTUALLY, we all vow it will be our last)– but of course, we get guilt tripped into the next one.
My experience has taught me one important lesson: Never leave home without earplugs and xanax.
Don’t even think about lecturing me on ‘not taking this time for granted’ blablabla..until you have read below:
1. Tyranny of the
Majority Persian Mother:
Persian moms can get you to do anything they want, because they’re not afraid of playing dirty. My mom’s tricks include: pinching, the evil eye, complaining about her health, her headache, heaping on the guilt, and finally CRYING.
Out of nowhere, tears well up in the woman’s eyes, and she complains that her vacation has been ruined because one of us doesn’t want to walk around aimlessly with her.
Or sometimes, she cries when she’s hungry and we don’t feed her what she likes.
2. My Brothers’ Womanizing
My brother used to be the innocent younger sibling, pretty mute and obedient. Then he became a teenager, and then he became a football player. It was all downhill to BRO-ville from there. In fact, my brother’s idol/hero is Johnny Bravo- remember him?:
And his constant ‘damn, that girl’s ass‘ or ‘she gave me the fuck eye‘ really gets on my nerves– especially because if I say our waiter is cute, he calls me out–’Saaghi, why you so thirsty?’ If you have to UrbanDictionary that, I got you already, click here. & Really, its my brother who needs to have his thirst quenched…
He’s like sports commentary, you think a pause means they’re going to shut the f#ck up, but really its just to catch their breath.
“That girl wants the D.”
No bro, she’s just walking by.
Yes, once I was a victim to hearing my parents having sex in a “villa-style” (two-floor) hotel room we rented. My ipod was out of batteries, and I was very close to suffocating myself under a mountain of pillows.
I vowed never to forgive them for that one.
4. My Persian Dad’s Negotiations & Jokes with the white People.
There is not a single time that we have stayed somewhere and my dad hasn’t at least negotiated with the: valet, concierge, manager, room service, etc. And the corny jokes that follow.
“I know wi-fi is 24.95 a day, but it should be free”
But sir, this is hotel policy, everyone is charged this much- unless you’re on a corporate package.
“I am on a corporate package“
Sir you’re here with your family.
“This is the corporation I run!” Cue- Persian Dad Laugh. CUE-Everybody’s uncomfrotable.
We have this rule now, that my dad has to run what he wants to say publicly by us– because oftentimes his jokes are only funny to him, in his head.
5. The Endless Interrogations & Comparisons
Persian Parents LOVE family vacations, because they finally have you stranded somewhere and you have to give them your attention.
Its’ like family dinners on Steroids.
There’s the stories about other people– other family members, friends, friends’ kids, people they barely know…
there is always someone they are familiar with in the universe who is doing GREAT in life– getting married, getting a PhD in nuclear Physics, Marathon runner, and a Doctor on the side.
And then there’s the questions:
What are you doing with your life? When do you want to get married? Isn’t it time you found someone? Do you brush your teeth everyday? Have you paid your bills? Are you sure your not going to jail for that speeding ticket?
oh and, vat de hell is in dat computer that is so interesting?
OH, if only they knew.
Are your family vacations different– if so, are there strategies, or DRUGS you use? please recommend.
TWEET ME: @SAAGHI_JOON
aLL Family-ed OUT,