What College Taught Me About Sex

Joonies, for those of you in college/going to college—I know you’re looking forward to the stellar academic opportunities coming your way. I mean which Persian family lets their kids go to a party school anyway? Pshhtttt..

But realistically, whether you decide to keep your head in the books or rage from Margarita Mondays to SundayFundays – you’re going to have to deal with sex in college. Directly or indirectly because your roommate keeps kicking you out with a post-it on the door.

There are a few lessons you learn only after you’ve become a seasoned college student with a penchant for self-pity. Lucky for you guys, I’m not only seasoned, I’m fully marinated.

And slightly overcooked in the ‘college experience’.

The Rules of The Jungle

1. ALCOHOL IS THE GATEWAY DRUG

Without alcohol, most frat guys would still be virgins. And so would a lot of girls, actually. When they say social lubricant, they’re not kidding.

I’m all for those shit-show nights, they often forge the greatest memories—and some unfortunate mistakes.

Want less mistakes? Drink Responsibly. And wear underwear.

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2. SEXY TIME- BUT IT’S NOT SO SEXY

Having Sex in college, is oftentimes one of the least romantic, most awkward things to do. Don’t waste money on Lingerie, nobody cares. And don’t expect to have mind blowing, MEET JOE BLACK type of sex (yeah I was a big fan of that scene)

Guys don’t know that females can orgasm- they’re just transitioning from porn to real people.

And ‘sleepovers’ just result in getting bad sleep, awkward morning-after talk, and missed classes.

3. NOT EVERYONE’S DOING IT

Really, they’re not. That’s what the term ‘hooking up’ is for—AMBIGUITY. Its magic. We all know guys lie about experience, so do girls. Some girls want you to think they’re Charlotte, and some want you to think they’re Samantha.

Hooking up has no universal definition, so it is used to the advantage of college students everywhere.

Always keep the nosy people out of your business. Keep them guessing as to what hooking up actually means when you say it. because, really it is none of their beeswax.

4. DON’T EXPECT TO DATE

Dating in college is as rare as time management. Don’t expect to go to college and have boys asking you to dinner and a movie.

Because the ones that do, are most likely the ones you’re not down to date. And the ones you wish would ask, are the ones still wondering how to wipe their a$$es.

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5. DON’T HALLUCINATE

College for girls is a progression from Slutty to Sensible. Its like a Vegas Buffet, your first time you want to try everything then by your fourth time you wish you were dining at Wolfgang Puck.

Basically after going crazy for a bit– you want real relationships, or at least a consistent hook-up that’ll cuddle with you sometimes. Or listen to how much they hate some dumb bitches. When you hit that point, you enter the LAND of OZ. This is where you start looking, projecting, and implanting signs and signals in your head—oh, he wants to hook up twice? This is a relationship.

Even if he only calls at 1 am, he once told me about his dead dog—it was like a real connection.

I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies but he invited me over instead, HE WANTS ME TO MEET THE ROOMMATES—it’s the next step! AH!

If you think the above sounds like ditzy girl talk, stop lying and pretending you haven’t carved Mount Rushmore out of a mole hill before.

6. GUYS CONTROL RELATIONSHIPS

Get over it, its true.Guys are in the driver’s seat, and they take full advantage of it.

There are two types of girls in college: the ones that sit in the passenger seat and give road head, and those who backseat drive.

Guys get smart as college goes on, they know girls want consistency—they want affection, and they want relationships.They are the ones who decide to call the girl again, make it awkward, or keep it at a one-time thing. So some guys keep some girls in the passenger seat, keeping them ‘hanging’, and the girl has no idea where the dude is steering to. She’s just happy she doesn’t have to switch cars.

This is NOT just about the sex, its about being led on and crushing hard—If you find yourself in the passenger seat of any guy’s ride, jump out quick.

The best situation for a girl in college is to never stay in one car for too long, and direct her car to the next stop—preferably a newer ride with shinier rims…or even better,

LADIES, EMBRACE YOUR LITTLE FRIEND

Cause it’s the only consistent booty call who really can’t kiss and tell. Win-WIN.

7. MEAT IS EXPENSIVE

(P.S. Do I take analogies too far? And are they always about food? Can’t help myself) 

Chivalry is dead, and there’s no resurrection date set.

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Girls outnumber guys in most schools..and the eligible, smart, decent guy to beautiful, smart, classy girl is about 2/98. No joke. Anyone who’s worth having is already swooped up, or gay. So the very few left know they’re the filet mignon—and they’re charging ridiculous prices.

8. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS WISELY, NOT DRUNKLY

A lot of how you navigate your social life and sex life is based on your friends—who they are, how they act, etc. Its funny, because with the amount of ‘elders’ at your fingertips in the college bubble- the people you rely on the most are around your own age. Make your friends sober—test them out drunk—not vice versa.

If you meet a girl who’s down to do a keg stand on a game day, you’ll most likely also be cleaning her vomit the next weekend. And OMG, that makes you guys, like, so close you know?

BEST. Friends. FOREVER. til the next rager.

Along the same lines, bad friend choices can make you feel like you should be doing certain things that’s not really your stylE–yes, PEER PRESSURE doesn’t end in MIDDLE SCHOOL– don’t let your friends make you feel like there’s a norm when it comes to sex, because there’s not. Everyone is trying to normalize their own experience, don’t get caught up in that. Make your own choice, with what you’re comfortable with.

9. COLLEGE IS A PARADOX

Your Reputations matters, but then again everyone’s “YOLO”-ing it.

So if you’re a girl working your way down the basketball roster– or hooking up with every Persian Frat Guy, you should start to think about what type of conversations they’re having about you. but don’t kill your fun either.

Don’t be a prude, you’ll regret it.

10. SOROSTITUTE MEANS YES. BRO MEANS NO.

Falling for a frat guy is like stabbing yourself with HIV-infected needles, a slow death my friends. And you’re going to lose your college Casanova to a sorostitute, that’s almost a guarantee. They’re available, they’re insecure and they’re almost always drunk.

Don’t sob about it over flaming hot cheetos and pizza like I did, cause then you’ll end up fat and stupid.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

TWEET ME: @SAAGHI_JOON

aLL Family-ed OUT,

SAAGHI  ساقی

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