What Will You Give Me?

JOONIES!

Happy Monday… more importantly, T-4 TILL FRIDAY.  Yeah, Fridays are my favorite.

Leeet’s get right to it.  This is something I’ve been thinking about/bothered by for awhile now… I used to think it was just in my head until I had a conversation with a friend recently who’s slightly older than me.  She’s in her late-20′s and single.  NOTHING wrong with that, ya dig?  But in Persian standards, that is the epitome of torshideh.

Our culture thrives on this notion that if a woman isn’t married before she hits 28 then she is somehow incapable.

Doesn’t look so torshideh to me.

REALITY CHECK:

This stigma that you have to get married at a certain age exists in MANY different cultures.  And unfortunately, many younger people seem to believe in it too.

My friend was telling me about a recent date she had where she felt like she was on an interview.  Her justification of his actions was that when you get older, dating evolves… people don’t just go out on dates to see whether there’s chemistry between the two of them or not– guys ask you out on dates to see whether you have the potential to be their future partner/wife.

She talked about how her date asked her serious questions on her opinions regarding family, children, career, etc.  A lot of topics that to ME seem rather advanced for a first date.  When I asked her what SHE thought of his responses to the same questions- she didn’t really seem to care.  And that’s when it hit me:

Why are guys always in the driver’s seat when it comes to dating?

She’s about to get kicked out of the driver’s seat

It feels like WE (women) are always the ones waiting for HIM to text us, call us, ask us out again, continue the relationship.  The ball feels like it’s rarely in our court– unless we really aren’t that interested…  And how is that at all acceptable? Last time I checked– it takes TWO people to develop a successful relationship.

Historically, women have been expected to fulfill a specific role– take care of the household and motherhood.  And while a century may have passed, how much has that role really evolved?  While we are “allowed” to work, we are still expected to produce children as our “biological duty” and put dinner on the table every night.

This “biological duty” has somehow evaporated our stance in a relationship.  As if we need to have a man in order to create meaning to our lives.

*Disclaimer: This does not apply to every woman and man– I know some men who help out with dinner ;) 

More importantly, the roles that we are taught to fulfill plays a pretty significant part in our lives whether we strive toward them or try to ignore them as much as possible.

Even I have a problem stopping the societal expectation of my gender to creep into my everyday life– and I continuously claim that I am an independent woman who doesn’t let any man dictate my decisions.

But why is it when I was dating someone, I never let them help me with dinner or wash the dishes?

Or why is it when I had sex last weekend, I was worried that HE might not call me again.

Ouch

We are so afraid of HIM not being interested that we seem to forget the fact that it shouldn’t be just up to him.  Not to get all feminist on you joonies, but what the f#ck are we thinking?

Why is it so taboo for me to text the guy I like if he hasn’t initiated contact YET?  Why can’t we just say, “Screw this, I’m going to do what feels good for ME rather than waiting around and wondering.”  Chances are– if you aren’t completely delusional– the feeling is mutual and just because a woman might take initiative with a man doesn’t mean that she is somehow “aggressive.”

When we over think like this or give the impression that the man has to initiate everything, we are devaluing our worth.  I hate the fact that I have to over analyze every text message I send out so I don’t sound like I’m being aggressive or needy.  I hate the fact that I am expected to wait for HIS call, but he is never expected to wait for mine.

This doesn’t make any sense to me– especially when we are living in a society that has advanced our expectations both ideologically and technologically, yet we somehow manage to continue keeping this stereotype alive that women are inferior.

Why is it that I’m considered a feminist if I think it’s unfair that the ball is always in the man’s court?

Does that make sense to you?

BTW- shout out to the reader who suggested this topic– I’m tired of being in the passenger seat too :)

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON

MANEATER,

FARRAH فرح
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Comments

  1. If you are tired of being in the passenger seat, did you text him first?? Nice story!

  2. While reading this my mind kept screaming yes! What bothers me the most is your last statement; whenever you say something about being a woman you’re labelled a feminist which for some reason is derogatory.

    On a semi similar note, here is a funny video on the reversal of gender roles: http://www.jest.com/video/184688/are-men-funny

  3. I’ve been an avid reader of you guys and have encountered a dilemma recently. I’m a virgin and proud (22 years old)! It’s hard to discuss this topic with other virgins who chose to be one solely because of religion, I am one only because I wanted to, not because society, family, religion, etc told me to, also I am anti-religion (that topic is for another day ;) ). I got to thinking about if I ever found that person I loved, would I lose my virginity or would I keep it until marriage. It is my choice to lose it but as a Persian, we all know the expectations for getting married to Persian guys. We can talk about all we want how Persian guys’ desire and requirement for marriage of a virgin girl is wrong and outdated, but at the end of the day, the Persian guy sleeps around with sluts, but guess what? He marries the virgin! I think this a really important topic to discuss :) Just my two cents!
    Love you guys xx

    • Hi Hanna,

      We are sooo sorry about the delay in responding back to you. You bring up an excellent point and we definitely agree with what you are saying. We can sit here and preach all we want about how the “virgin requirement” is outdated, but at the end of the day- how many of us are going to get “chosen” as the wife if we aren’t a virgin. I think for me personally (Farrah)– I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who can’t accept the fact that I am his equal– and cant even fathom that I might have opened my legs. I think that being a virgin is YOUR choice, and if a guy thinks that they have the audacity to dictate that, then they aren’t worth OUR time. I LIKE to believe that there are other guys out there who are more open minded and willing to accept people for who they are despite their decisions. But I could just be living in la-la land. As I said, I think you raise an EXCELLENT point because it so common, especially in the Irooni culture and so messed up at the same time. We will definitely try to address this in an upcoming post- but in the meantime, I’d like to encourage you to submit to us :) if you would like, no pressure!

      xoxo,

      Farrah

  4. ^its a little unfair to say that Persian guys sleep around with sluts and expect to marry a virgin. I honestly have not encountered any guy with this mentality, I’ve only heard about them and that was in referance to another generation. Is this an LA Persian thing? Also the majority of Persians I see getting married are in their late 20′s , early 30′s now – again I have no experience with this “torshideh”/incapable of getting married concept that I keep hearing on S&F posts.
    Omg but I do agree that when one speaks out a little on behalf of women’s rights and what-not they become the “feminist that doesn’t take any crap” and although that is usually said in negative terms, I take it as a compliment!

  5. kitty cat says:

    I love this!

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