T-4 till Friday– have you noticed how the beginning of almost ALL my posts start with the mention of Friday? That’s because Friday is fun-day and it is my life.
If you guys have been following us for awhile, then you’ve probably learned a thing or two about me. 1. I moved far far away from my family. 2. I have a slight phobia when it comes to commitment (click here).
I think I’ve exhausted the topic of my family a bit– no more funny stories left, now just the pain, sweat and tears that follow an Iranian upbringing. But that’s irrelevant for tonight’s topic.
I’ve always been someone who has to have control, who’s not willing to compromise and who’s biggest fear is vulnerability.
My past relationships have been a constant stream of disappointments chalked up to my “intimacy issues” (I resent it when guys use that as an excuse). I tend to go for a certain type of “man” and can rarely make something work with anyone who’s outside the box.
My type usually has no range. Every guy I’ve dated “seriously” fall into one if not all of the categories:
(1). Mommy Issues: This includes insecurities ranging from physical to mental– God forbid, I went to a better school than he did (click here). Sometimes you just gotta accept the facts: I look better in that dress than you do– #roughLIFE.
(2). Bully: I used to think it was cute when a guy would try to tell me what to do. Unfortunately, I came to the realization that not only can I dress myself, but I’m also pretty good at choosing my own friends. #biggirlproblems
(3). JEALOUSY: I’ll be the first to admit that I like it when my man has a little gheyrat. But my gheyrat obsession used to include all of the batshit crazy. There’s a fundamental problem in your relationship if your “partner” says he doesn’t like that you are “too independent” — what does that even mean? Sometimes you just need to #beaman
There comes a time where you have to realize that all guys are not inconsiderate idiots– you’re just really good at buying their “nice guy” product.
We’ve talked a lot about how guys can be really assholes/annoying- whether it’s through their excessive over sharing tendencies or haters of independent women. And for a long time, I just wasn’t seeing things clearly. I really thought that there was nothing wrong with my type and that guys are just douchebags (all shapes and sizes).
I couldn’t think outside the box, and with that mentality, I’ve remained pretty inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I’m 25 and my longest relationship was in high school. I ended my first post-college relationship because he was “too into it” and it scared me. My last relationship ended miserably when my boyfriend was upset I got a job before he did– and despite it being such a short relationship, it was one of the hardest things I had to go through.
Getting over someone isn’t just hard because you miss the person– because honestly, I stopped missing him pretty quickly. But the hardest part of getting over something is realizing that you were wrong to begin with.
Over the last year, I’ve been hit with some red flags… or red BANNERS- and it’s made me realize how much I need to evolve.
I’m so set on being “right” all the time that sometimes I forget to grow up.
So I’ve been taking notes and I’ve learned how to steer clear from the batshit crazy type and move toward the lesser evil.
- I learned that a guy who brags about his accomplishments is not cute or “well-accomplished.”
He’s bragging. Enough said. Move far far away. Look, a guy is welcome to talk about what’s going on his life – and sometimes that includes talking about their accomplishments. But a guy is not welcome to make you sit around in a land where TIME STOPS as they brag on.
People are always going to talk about themselves- it’s natural and it’s really the only way we can learn about another person before entering their inner circle. But there is something incredibly sexy about a guy who’s man enough to ask for my opinion on their professional/work related issues.
It’s f#cking sexy when a guy can put their insecurities aside and value me as an educated woman.
- Imaginations are fun, but being in your “own little world” all the time is unacceptable.
People (including MEN) have a tendency to over analyze. He said, “I’ve had a long day” at the end of a date, and we are automatically calculating whether he seemed to be having fun on the date or not.
We make the effort to remember when a guy mentions his favorite food or his hobbies - we make an effort to know that person.
But is it just me or do we quickly excuse THEM if they don’t remember something about us? I hate having to repeat that I’m allergic to red wine (life sucks) to a guy I’m dating.
A little effort goes a long way. I am much more inclined to let a guy in my pants if he remembers I like sprite versus a guy who automatically assumes I want wine.
Frankly, there’s no excuse to “tune out” or use a rough work day as an excuse for being unavailable.
- Manners are important.
I can sit here and preach to you about how much of a feminist I am. I believe in equal rights for ALL and I believe that a woman is equally capable as a man. I can bitch to you about how much I hate living in a man’s world, but some of my preferences still feed into that mentality that a guy should be chivalrous.
That perception of chivalry is just an indication that we are damsels in distress– even though we are not. But I still like it (and notice it) when a guy opens the door for me… or leads me into a room by placing his hand on my back. I notice when I’m walking with a guy on the street and he makes an effort to move me to the inside of the street so that’s he closer to the cars. In fact, I’m kinda turned off when a guy doesn’t do that. Double standards– I live and breathe.
But in all seriousness, I think it’s sweet when a guy makes an effort to go the extra mile– and that shouldn’t be the exception, it should be the rule. TO ME, he’s a keeper if he makes an effort to connect with my little brother.
Ultimately, it’s being thoughtful that counts.
My sketch relationship past is a lesson. It’s not actually weird or “sketch” that I have had an inability to open up — but it would be weird if I didn’t learn anything from it.
That’s why we get into relationships in the first place– it’s not about just finding love and being with someone, it’s about learning what we like and what we don’t like when it comes to our partners.
We shouldn’t be forcing ourselves to stay with someone who doesn’t make us happy- we should recognize it for what it is: another indication that it’s time to move on to someone who doesn’t possess the qualities that make us feel shitty.
The ability to be vulnerable comes with bravery.
And to think that the guys who can truly make you happy aren’t out there is just allowing our fear of vulnerability and loneliness run our lives <– and since when should anything run our lives aside from us?
I’m not “lacking” because my experience is limited. I WAS lacking because I was so scared. And while that fear really never goes away… at least, I can try to tone it down a little.
Wouldn’t you agree?
TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON