I Am Not A Whore

One of the downsides to being a blogger, especially an Iranian-American one, is the uncomfortable truth you have to come to terms with: your personal stories are no longer going to be personal. And while we try to share ours in a lighthearted and fun way, there are posts on the pages of this blog that we’ve thought twice about publishing— like the one titled, I Said NoIt has been our choice to share our experiences as victims of rape/sexual abuse, and we expected to hear all sorts of feedback and opinions—S&F is democratic of course.

However, the drawbacks of “nakedly” exposing ourselves are really, absolutely, UNimportant when we realize that we’ve been heard and we’ve reached some people.

Fck our ABEROO (reputation) when one more girl can come to terms with her painful story of sexual assault.

We thank this guest blogger for allowing us to share her story because her courage means the world to us.

Enjoy.

xx,

S&F

I was 19 and I had just started university.  I was excited to meet new people and to be a part of the student life– and the freedoms that came with it.

I moved away from my family home and it was the first time I was actually independent.

No parents

During the first few months at my university, I met a guy and I thought he was amazing.  We started dating and eventually, he became my boyfriend… my first boyfriend. I had never been with a guy before in any kind of way and I wanted to take things slow. 

One night, I invited him to my student hall and we ended up kissing.  Things got heated. When I felt that he was turned on there, I started to panic and asked him to stop.

He didn’t stop and he took off my jeans, the whole time making me feel guilty for saying no and reassuring me that it’s normal because “we are together.”

I continued to say no and looking back now, I think of how naive and stupid I was to worry about his feelings: I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO GET UPSET!

So, politely I asked and begged him to stop.

But he didn’t.

I just lied there crying while he continued.

When he was finished, he got his things to leave and I sat there crying.  I asked, “I’m still a virgin though, aren’t I?”

And he came over to me, laughed, kissed me on my head and said, “Of course you are.”

Then he left.

I had no one to talk to about this and the whole time, I felt like I shouldn’t say anything because he was my boyfriend and I deserved it for letting him in my room.

This is something a lot of girls don’t realize– even in relationships, you can still get raped.

I suffered through months of turmoil and fear– fear that if my Persian family ever found out, it would destroy them.  It would have killed my dad to know this happened to his little girl.  Eventually, I told my Iraqi friend – having similar morals and culture to Persians – she told me, I had to marry my boyfriend.

I don’t blame her for this terrible advice, I understand now that she was also young and naive, and didn’t know how to deal with it either.

I eventually got the courage to end the relationship.  But that was after a lot of self-loathing.  I had resigned to the fact that this was going to be my life. 

I was afraid that if I ended it with him then I would be classified as a whore for letting it happen.  But this was not going to be my life and I am not a whore.

I never went to the authorities about what he did and I never will — and it’s purely because of my family that I won’t.

But I am now stronger.

I had to be strong and live life like nothing had happened.

Don’t get me wrong, it took me awhile to understand how I could be so okay and normal about it all.  But the reality was that I wasn’t really okay about it — it was for my own survival that required me to take control of the situation and not let it get the best of me.

Not for one second will I give HIM any credit for the strength I’ve gained.

It took me a long time after this to stop thinking that every guy interested in me was a potential threat that could manipulate me.  I’m 25 now, and I have had sexual relationships that have been loving and wonderful.  But it took awhile to be the strong and free person I am now.

I think it took longer to get past what happened because of the stigma attached to being raped and the fear of no longer being seen as a “dokhtar” in the eyes of the Persian community.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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Tweet S&F: @Sex_Fessenjoon

Love,

Shabnam شبنم
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Comments

  1. that was amazing

  2. Thanks for sharing this. It was very uncomfortable reading what had happened to you but I’m glad you came out a stronger person and most importantly I’m glad you are not giving that disgusting person credit for your strength. It’s upsetting that women (its not just Iranians) can’t get the help they need when experiencing such trauma due to fear of being stigmatized. I’ve talked about this extensively with my own mother and she agrees that this is very unhealthy and something that needs to be changed. I pray that our generation will be a little more open minded and we won’t take part in perpetuating this value in our children.
    And I truely believe that the way to do this is by being vocal (or blogg-al, lol) about it.

  3. activist786 says:

    I often find that talking or writing about our own issues/problems/concerns etc has therapeutic benefits. It allows us to finally bring out in the open what has been weighing is down and when we do finally talk about such things it’s also beneficial for other other people we learn that actually we really are not alone. I’ve found that the most powerful and supportive thing we can here is ‘me too.’

    You have gone through a lot and it’s great to hear that you have come out stronger. I’m sure you have found that talking about this maybe has enabled other people to come forward to yourself and share their own stories of abuse.

  4. escortdiary says:

    I am so sorry to hear this. Yes! Thank you for bringing this up. Rape can happen in indirect forms. It has also happened to me, and like yourself I worried about pleasing the man. It’s a shame we didn’t have the guts to defend ourselves back then. But you seem very intellectual and aware of things and your post will shed light on this issue. Love your blog habibty (I heard your love Arabs :) ), I just discovered it.

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