It Really Hurt When I Fell From Heaven

JOONS.

It’s Sunday night.  By the time I finish writing this post, I have to get ready for work tomorrow, so excuse me while I take my time.

This post is for the boys though I’m certain the ladies will definitely have some input on this one so please don’t be shy.

I don’t know if it’s because the humidity has stopped and I’m not sweating through the day anymore or WHATthef#ck is in the air these days, but I’ve been getting a little more attention than normal lately.  It’s probably because all the less psycho girls are taken- NOT that I like to complain about getting hit on… but it’s a bit much.

Especially when guys use lines like…

Are you a model?”

Um I’m 5’3″ bitch, thanks for rubbing it in.

Just another day in MY life (clearly)

Look I get it… dating is hard and you have to be creative when it comes to meeting people.  And sure, sometimes its nerve-wracking to think of something witty to say to get the girl’s attention.

I understand the pressure guys have to deal with if they want to approach a random girl (just be happy you don’t have to give birth).

It’s hard, especially when there’s a 75% chance she will reject you (unless she’s really D for D).

But like with most things in life, there’s a time and place for everything — and sometimes guys pick the worst moments to get at a girl.

Let me make it simple:

(1).  The gym.  

I think we’ve established that for whatever reason guys like it when they see a girl working out, sweating, makeup smearing, etc. Honestly, it probably reminds them of a lot of sex.  Panting… grunting… Ok  you get the idea.

But when I’m working out (which is a rare occurrence for me), I don’t want you to come up to me while I’m struggling to not fall off the side of the treadmill and ask me if I live in the area. Let’s be real, would I BE at this gym if I didn’t live close by?

I’m just saying- you’re probably putting me in some serious danger by talking to me while I’m attempting to run.

2.  Public Transportation. 

If we calculated how much of our time we spend on public transportation, it would probably equate to a significant chuck of our lives — especially if you don’t have a car.

I’m probably the one Persian girl who isn’t rolling in her BM-VEH/Merce-DEH.

So I understand the “appeal” or “need” to strike up a conversation with the cute girl who plopped down next to you during her early morning commute.

But there’s your first mistake right there:  EARLY morning commute. Who the hell is thinking about being flirty at 8am?

Or here’s my favorite: I have headphones on, reading a book, and someone taps me on the shoulder in an effort to get my attention.  Clearly, I had a note written on my forehead that reads, please interrupt me!  What gave me away?  The bright pink headphones?

Honestly, getting picked up by some guy on the metro just isn’t for ME, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work for everyone.

Look for signs, don’t create them… by tapping their shoulder when they’re already “taken…” by a book.

3.  Parents.

I love my mom, but she does NOT look like my sister.  I love my dad – he’s nice and all, but come on.

For some reason, when I’m out with my parents, guys just seem to think that it will be okay if they come and flirt with me.  My parents are awesome and usually a little oblivious to most things– but luckily, I have a 16 year old brother who will immediately say, “Are you hitting on my sister?” #mypersonalcockblock

NOTE TO ALL MEN:

Do not hit on a Persian girl in front of her parents unless you plan to marry that girl.

I wish I was joking.

We met when my dad was getting his car’s oil changed

Farrah, dat could be your husband vone day! Give him a call hala, he’s good- I tink he is estudent for Master’s.

Really? How did you know?  From his use of big words or his fake display of “having balls” by coming up to a girl out with her parents.

It’s just inappropriate.  I’m sure there are some girls out there who share everything with their parents- their dating life, failures, successes, etc. — BUT THAT IS RARE and it is unfair to assume that a girl will be impressed if you approach her and her mom.  #awkwardmuch?

Just stop.  Turn around.  And wait till she leaves for the bathroom- UNACCOMPANIED.

I wish it ended there.  But picking up girls (and guys) is a skill.  You have to learn through mistakes and we all make mistakes (don’t even play).  But please don’t make mistakes as stupid as these:

- “You look like you work out a lot.”

Now I just feel like you’re mocking me.  NEVER comment on a girl’s weight/body unless you know her well (even then, it’s debatable)… if she doesn’t have visible muscle on her body, don’t assume she works out just because she’s skinny.

I’m your typical skinny fat girl.

I eat like a monster (wanna date me now?). I work out when my pants don’t fit and avoid the gym like the plague when it does fit me right.  I’m skinny because of good genes NOT because I’m “athletic” and I find it mildly offensive that a guy I don’t know has the audacity to make a comment on my non-existent athleticism just because they want to get in my pants.  Don’t go there.

OR:

- “Have I met you before because you look familiar.”

No.

If we had met, I probably would’ve shown some sign of recognition when you creeped up.  Guys think that if they use a line like that it will give them an opening to strike up a conversation and eventually ask for a phone number.  But in reality, when guys say that — all I’M thinking is “Omg, I hope you are NOT the guy I made out with last month at that one bar… please go away.”

And I’m probably spending the rest of the conversation trying to figure out if I really have met you… or if you just recognize me from my Twitter photo (which is equally horrifying).

I’ll put the shit talking aside for a minute and be real — I respect a guy much more if he comes up to me and is just honest.  I am more likely to give you my phone number if you say, “Hey, I know this is random but I think you’re really cute, can I call you sometime?”

HONESTY.  No bullshit.  No stupid lines like “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” because that is just creepy and unoriginal and unnecessary and stupid and … do I need to continue?

Guys think that they have to have the ultimate conversation starter/the memorable pick up line– sorry but, that “technique/method” usually fails.  And it’s probably because we aren’t in high school anymore — we’ve already experienced the weird pick up line or the random shoulder tapping.  We’ve been there.  We’ve seen it and we’re over it.

We want a guy who has the balls to admit they’re talking to us because they’re interested and because they think we’re cute.

That’s what it ultimately comes down to, isn’t it?

Girls aren’t asking you to come up with a brilliant plan to hit on them, they really just want a guy who can be comfortable in his own skin.  We all have something to offer, so just figure it out and own it.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

TWEET AT ME IF YOU’RE A MODEL TOO: @FARRAH_JOON

IWantCake,

FARRAH فرح
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Comments

  1. Word.

  2. Come up and admit we’re interested?

    Approaches should be as natural as possible, sure. All the well-worn pickup lines and pick-up artist “material” should be retired, sure. No one with an iq above 90 should approach with the “hey you look familiar” line, sure. and it’s actually really good to approach with something like “hey i don’t have anything witty to say, just wanted to meet you” as long as you’ve got the right attitude. it shows you don’t really care too much.

    But admitting interest too quickly? that takes the fun out of everything.

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