The Wolf Trap

Hey joonies, 

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a guest post and what better way to kick off the eve of HUMP DAY than with a very special post from one of our readers.  This post combines all of our favorite things: social media, relationships, and doodool-talas.  Enjoy and drop her a line in the comments!

I think its the curse of being brown that most men especially your typical brown Pakistani men (I will talk about my own males because I am blessed with God gifted rights to railroad them) think that they can literally walk over you.

They can get to know you in the name of friendship, play with you, treat you like shit and when they are all done, their arrogant ass can throw you away.

Most of the time, they prefer that you will stick to them inspite of the emotional abuse that they are throwing at you (after all, you wouldnt be a faithful partner/girlfriend, if you didnt right?).

It’s hard-wired in their brains that all Paki chicks – especially the ones who live in the West, live independent lives, go to school, and have successful careers – are actually “whores.” [Read more…]

We Play By My Rules

Joon joons,

Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, I’ve been quarantined off to my room for the past day (and tomorrow).  Crazy wind and rain got nothing on me – I’m still kicking. To all our readers on the East Coast — stay safe and dry.  Sandy can’t touch this.

I’m not really a fan of break-ups.  For obvious reasons, I’m sure most of us aren’t. If I’m the one who wants to do the dumping, I will do everything in my power to avoid it and encourage the other person to do it for me.  I’m so mature, clearly.

My go-to move: “let’s take a break” in hopes that in those few days, the guy will come to his senses.  That rarely happens.

Honesty is always the best policy.

The one time I was dumped when it wasn’t on my terms – it devastated me.  Love was never really a factor and my lack of worthy relationship experience didn’t really prepare me for what followed the breakup.

I turned into one of those girls that I’d always looked down at — crying constantly…

I started my job the day after he dumped me so having to be the “new girl” with a fake smile on my face was probably one of the hardest things in my first few weeks of work.  I couldn’t eat my lunch, I would escape to the bathroom to keep tears from falling in front of everyone, and I cried everyday on the metro back home after work.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that — sometimes you just have to purge out your pain but…

The real world isn’t going to wait for you to sulk over your ex-boyfriend. [Read more…]

Get It Right, Get It Tight

JOONS,

So this might be my last post … forever because “Hurricane Sandy” is planning to make an appearance to the East Coast and I might drown.  Okay – maybe not so dramatic, but I don’t really do well with rain.  So excuse me while I play the victim card and plan for a simpler life in sunny CALI.

Outside my house in CALIFORNIA

Enough of that — I don’t know what it is, but whenever I’m actually having sex, I don’t really feel the need to talk about it.  It’s when I’m not having sex that I’m like OMG remember when…

And that’s exactly how I’m feeling tonight – I need to get some ass in my life and who knows why the f#ck it’s not happening.  I remember when I first started having sex — I was very pro-missionary.  And not because I thought it felt so ahhhh-mazing, but because I was too shy to do anything else.

If you’re too shy to f#ck the way it’s meant to be, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex. [Read more…]

Not thug life, but the Double Life.

Happy Tuezday.

Here’s something that made my week: the fact that my friends want me to dress up as Bert for Halloween. My question is,

Which Persian girl puts on a unibrow, voluntarily?

image

I thought bad eyebrows were like bad noses, you get rid of them and deny deny deny you ever had one? Or is the UNI in now? Someone fill me in.

Anyway, my grandparents were in town for awhile, all the way from eeRAN, and aside from lots of lavashak and pistachios, they bring a suitcase full of “Naseehat” (guidance from elders).

The problem with that is, I hate NASEEHAT. I’m comfortable enough with my parents to stop them before they get ahead with all their ‘guidance’ lectures–‘Dad, the decibel level of your voice annoys me‘. But with my grandparents, I can’t be so direct. I have to swallow my pride, and smile, and nod–as if I’m actually going to take what they say into consideration.

Do you see how immature and stubborn I am?

But, in my defense, as I’ve… aged… I’ve gotten better at identifiying the ‘GOOD Naseehat‘ from the ‘OBNOXIOUS Naseehat’. Especially now that I’m out on my own, with my own bills and finances and Adult-ness,

I know I can’t learn everything the hard way– cause if I do, it’ll end with bad credit, a mug shot, and an ‘I TOLD YOU SO’. [Read more…]

You Don’t Scare Me

Hey joonies,

Sorry we’ve been a little more MIA than usual.  October and November tend to be my busiest months at work than the rest of the year.  I love my job, but it really took me awhile to get there.  It took me time to be able to adjust and get comfortable with people.

Despite being outspoken and blunt, I have a tendency to start out shy with people I don’t know.  My potty mouth is reserved for friends only and the tattoo-ed, women’s rights advocate, and proud Iranian side of me are usually put away when I first start a new job.

My philosophy: you never know how people are going to react – better to start out observing than to be sorry in the end.

Clarification: I will never apologize for who I am.  But in order to be professional, you have to choose what parts of your personality you should highlight in the workplace.

My resume is dominated by my experience in Middle East studies.  In college, I went from one journalism internship to the next.  After college, every professional experience I’ve had is related to Iran or Middle East in general.  In fact, I only moved to D.C. to pursue an internship in Iranian politics.

By graffiti artist A1one in Tehran

When I began to apply for a permanent job – my dad said, “Farrah, you should erase all of your Iran experience from your resume because you will be discriminated against when employers look at your resume.”

My first reaction — Fuck that, I love the experience I’ve had and if some employer is going to discriminate against me for it then I don’t want to work there anyway.

My second reaction — Shit, if I erase all of that from my resume, I’m basically left with my college degree.

So I refused.  I didn’t talk to my dad about the lack of calls I got from the many jobs I applied to.  I didn’t talk to my dad about my struggles with finding a job.  Instead, I lied to my dad about getting another unpaid internship in D.C. focusing on Middle East democracy and told him that I was working temporarily elsewhere.

And when I finally got an interview with the current organization I work for, I didn’t tell my parents until after I had the confirmation email that I got the job.

I learned something valuable from the first interview at my job and my first year there.  My experiences at work have only reaffirmed what I’ve always believed in:

Don’t apologize for your culture or your background.  It’s what sets you apart.  It’s what makes you unique and it gives you an advantage. [Read more…]

Ayo, I’m tired of using Technology

Good morning.

Its technically my morning, because its 3:19 am, and I canNOT sleep. Blame it on the alcohol, that’s what I get for pounding those double-shot margaritas after work.

Drinking in college is for Fun. Drinking after work is for Sanity.

(of course i dont look this fab @ happy hour)

So what you do when you have alcohol-induced insomnia is try to load up on drunk food so you can fall into a carb-induced coma, but since my cabinets are empty and i only have some KALE in the fridge (who was I kidding when I went grocery shopping?)– I had to turn on the TV. and instead of turning on C-SPAN, I watched Sex and the City– SEASON ONE episodes.

& it provided me with some blogging inspiration: The evolution of technology, and how within 10 years– everything has changed. For better, or for worse.

There was a scene in the episode where Carrie and Big run into each other unexpectedly– though they’re in a relationship, and then casually say goodbye. In that moment, it hit me– neither of the two is exactly sure where the other is going, what they’ll be up to, and when they’ll see each other again.

Updates on status had to be given via a land line phone. Which means you had to be home. not mobile.

Or if Carrie had a moment of crisis (which she does in most episodes), she would have to wait until she got home, got to a payphone, so she could catch one of the girls at home, or in their office– tot talk it through. Or she could leave it for Sunday Brunch.

And to think that land lines and pagers and payphone were within my lifetime…well, it blows my mind.

THen it all hit me,

Technology has redefined personal space.  And our love lives. [Read more…]

The Human World is a Mess

Hey joonies,

Been dealing with some major writer’s block lately — so much to say, but so hard to process my thoughts.  I blame responsibility.  But I guess that’s just a part of growing up #overrated.

I feel like I’m starting to see the world so differently these days (I swear I’m not high) compared to a year ago — it’s not all sunshine, people aren’t all good, taxes are f#cking hard (I’m going to get married only to ensure I have someone who will do my taxes for free… thank you Daddy).

I used to be an idealist… optimistic.  I used to think that people in general had good intentions — but then I became a realist.

When I was younger – I never really felt pressure by my parents that I had to be an example.  That expectation to be well-intentioned, moral, smart, successful – all these things didn’t really hit me until college.

When I was younger, my role models were Belle from Beauty and the Beast because she loved to read, and Jasmine (Aladdin) because she was the closest Disney princess to Persian (and I really wanted a pet tiger and to live in a castle).  

Plus I thought Aladdin was kinda hot #ARABObsession

Unfortunately, real life isn’t the same as a Disney movie otherwise by now, I would have become queen of the world with four sexy male concubines to do all my chores for me (as well as other things).  Oh wait… Disney probably wouldn’t be down with that… #sexism.

I am the oldest sibling and the oldest out of my cousins.  While it was never explicitly said, you know how Irooni parents are — you better be someone they can be damn proud of.

I never took that responsibility seriously.  I just always wanted to do whatever I wanted.  Whether that was get wasted at a random frat party or ditch class or make out with some guy I didn’t know.

I never thought my careless decisions would somehow define me and affect my relationships. [Read more…]

Love, or Something Like It.

Hello there,

It feels like this week is dragging, am I the only one who feels like it should be Thursday? Overall, this week has been so blah minus the one highlight: a painless Brazilian wax.

Yes, I am now numb to the what used to feel like a harsh spanking (unless you’re into that #nojudgement) .

Besides these small little discoveries, there is not much else that seems to go on in my life.  I work, eat, blog, sleep. And repeat.  There used to be a big block in my schedule for my METH (my girlfriends), but that space no longer exists. I’ve been forced into withdrawal and like any addict, for awhile, I didn’t know what Rehab to check into?

Turns out, I didn’t get into the Betty Ford Center– I got  the 14 Hour Workdays to Sobriety Program.

So without meth, and without sex, I’ve been thinking a lot about…Love.

Let me give you some background on what L-O-V-E means to me. (and when I say love, I mean anything from strong crush–eternal love) Do you know what my favorite movie was from the 90s? #blastfromthepast

Yeah, 10 things I hate about you. If there was ever a love story I would love to live, that would be the one– not cause its Shakespeare, and not cause its Heath Ledger, but because Cynical-Feminist meets Dangerous BadA$$ and then writes him a poem about how much she hates everything about him (which is code for I love you). Watch the scene below:

If Love was a man, that is the poem I’d read for him, before storming out. [Read more…]

My Ass Is So Smart

Hi joonies,

Three day weekends bring meaning to my life. I was very fortunate to be able to go see Salman Rushdie speak tonight — hilarious guy, especially when he talked about “fucking”– but he definitely didn’t turn me on.  Instead, he got me thinking about all the awkward sex moments I’ve had. (badbakht)

Not every sexual experience is going to be the toe-curling, hair pulling, crazy/amazing kind of sex.

The kind of sex that you spend the rest of the week fantasizing about because it was just that great. 

Sometimes sex with someone ends up being one of those memories you cringe at every time you think about it — the kind of sex where you wake up the next day like “ughhh fuck.”

Not that I’ve had a LOT of sex or anything (because I’m a virgin… obviously), but I’ve definitely learned a few valuable lessons along the road to successful sex/oral.

Sex it up

1.  CLOSE YOUR EYES. (applies to oral mostly). 

Personally, I don’t have experience with this, but that’s because I’m lucky that people like to give details (no matter how well they know me– awkward moments brings people together).  I’ve been lucky to learn from THEIR mistakes.

And I’m mostly grateful because not only, does this sound weird and kind of gross, but it shit supposedly hurts too.

I’ve come to realize that guys can’t really direct their fluids on where to go.  Sure, they can move their doodool-tala to the side if they’re thinking ahead.  But how many guys actually think ahead?  And if you’re not really down with the whole excess protein in your mouth thing, then you probably jerk your head off the tip the second you hear, “I’m gonna come.” (let’s hope they give you the warning).

Listen, semen can seriously fly sometimes.  I mean, it can shoot up high and if you’re not careful, it can get in your eye.

Be prepared.  And protect the part of your face that allows you to see. [Read more…]

I’m Going To Come

Hey joonies,

I feel like it’s been awhile since I’ve written about sex — I’ve been so stuck in my “corruption/people suck” phase that I almost forgot what this blog is really about.  S.E.X.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been having so much sex lately (jk kinda) that I almost feel awkward writing about it because I feel like someone is going to tell on me (knowing the Persian community, they’re probably three steps ahead of all that). 

Oh well. If you’re dating/f#cking me, you’re collateral damage. #sorrynotsorry.

OMG I’m on S&F

^^ That was my last boyfriend’s reaction when I posted about him.

JUST KIDDING: He was NOT happy (click here).

Good sex comes with practice, bad sex comes naturally. [Read more…]

%d bloggers like this: