My Ass Is So Smart

Hi joonies,

Three day weekends bring meaning to my life. I was very fortunate to be able to go see Salman Rushdie speak tonight — hilarious guy, especially when he talked about “fucking”– but he definitely didn’t turn me on.  Instead, he got me thinking about all the awkward sex moments I’ve had. (badbakht)

Not every sexual experience is going to be the toe-curling, hair pulling, crazy/amazing kind of sex.

The kind of sex that you spend the rest of the week fantasizing about because it was just that great. 

Sometimes sex with someone ends up being one of those memories you cringe at every time you think about it — the kind of sex where you wake up the next day like “ughhh fuck.”

Not that I’ve had a LOT of sex or anything (because I’m a virgin… obviously), but I’ve definitely learned a few valuable lessons along the road to successful sex/oral.

Sex it up

1.  CLOSE YOUR EYES. (applies to oral mostly). 

Personally, I don’t have experience with this, but that’s because I’m lucky that people like to give details (no matter how well they know me– awkward moments brings people together).  I’ve been lucky to learn from THEIR mistakes.

And I’m mostly grateful because not only, does this sound weird and kind of gross, but it shit supposedly hurts too.

I’ve come to realize that guys can’t really direct their fluids on where to go.  Sure, they can move their doodool-tala to the side if they’re thinking ahead.  But how many guys actually think ahead?  And if you’re not really down with the whole excess protein in your mouth thing, then you probably jerk your head off the tip the second you hear, “I’m gonna come.” (let’s hope they give you the warning).

Listen, semen can seriously fly sometimes.  I mean, it can shoot up high and if you’re not careful, it can get in your eye.

Be prepared.  And protect the part of your face that allows you to see.

You don’t want to walk around the next week with what looks like pink eye.  It’s unsanitary and painful.

Hopefully, you would have hotter sex battle wounds than that (like scratches on the back, NOT your face).

2.  AWARENESS OF SURROUNDINGS. (applies to all of the above).

Sometimes it’s really easy to get lost in the moment especially if it’s goooood (ya dig?).  But always remember to know how much space you have to thrash and throw each other around.

Know your limits.  Literally.

One drunken night, I went home with this guy I’d been crushing on for a long time (ok by long time, I mean a week… details details).  We started kissing in the living room and once things got hot and heavy… we moved toward his bedroom.

As most of those “gotta have you now” moments go, he threw me on the bed where we continued to make out, rip off our clothes and he threw me from one side of the bed to the other… until he threw me to nothingness.

I crashed down the bed… taking him with me and hitting both our heads on the side of his dresser.

Yeah there is just no coming back from that.

The moment was gone and any hope for some hot ass that night was effectively ruined.

3.  KEEP YOUR SHIT ON LOCK. (applies to all of the above).

Look, sometimes people are loud.  I’m not judging unless you sound like a ridiculous pornstar.  But I really doubt any of us really like the idea that 1. someone might hear us or 2. someone might see us.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing, which cool – we all have our preferences.

But for me, sex is kind of personal (the irony), I like to keep things private.  I’d really rather not have my friend/roommate/mother/brother/whoever walk in while I’m going down on some guy or getting laid.

uhh hi mom…

The whole “don’t get walked in on” thing might sound kind of obvious.  Who WOULDN’T lock their door or do it when the parents aren’t around?  But thanks to the vast development of technology these days, locking doors and having the house to ourselves are just one of many concerns we’re forced to have when it comes to getting some.

Technology (aka cell phones) have proven to be one of the worst cock-blocks to ever be invented.

If your phone is not on lock, then all you have to do is roll your koon over the touch screen for it to accidentally ass dial your Daddy joon.  I’m pretty sure leaving a voicemail where all they can hear are grunts and moaning is probably not the best way to spice up your sex life.  

Put the cell phone far far away from the bed.  I get you might have a passcode, but you never know how smart someone’s ass might be.  So just leave it off the bed.  Problem solved.  No one is hurt and/or mortified.

ALL IN ALL:

There’s no way to ensure that nothing awkward will ever happen while you’re getting some.

But at least now, you won’t get any unwanted fluids in your eye and you’ll be able to judge the size of the bed before deciding to throw your girlfriend (or boyfriend) to the other side of the room.

And if something weird DOES happen, it’s really not the end of the world.  You’re not going to lose your boyfriend/sex friend just because you accidentally bit down on some sensitive area.  Ice it… then laugh about it (hopefully).  

Laughing about sex – is really one of the most important parts (not including your orgasm). Life shouldn’t be THAT serious – we got bigger things to worry about, like Salman Rushdie’s fatwa (too soon?).

Tell us your most awkward sex experience — sharing is caring.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON

XO,

FARRAH فرح
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Comments

  1. I’m gonna give you four words!!….”hand sanitizer instead of lotion”….i think he almost saw the angel of death!

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