Been dealing with some major writer’s block lately — so much to say, but so hard to process my thoughts. I blame responsibility. But I guess that’s just a part of growing up #overrated.
I feel like I’m starting to see the world so differently these days (I swear I’m not high) compared to a year ago — it’s not all sunshine, people aren’t all good, taxes are f#cking hard (I’m going to get married only to ensure I have someone who will do my taxes for free… thank you Daddy).
I used to be an idealist… optimistic. I used to think that people in general had good intentions — but then I became a realist.
When I was younger – I never really felt pressure by my parents that I had to be an example. That expectation to be well-intentioned, moral, smart, successful – all these things didn’t really hit me until college.
When I was younger, my role models were Belle from Beauty and the Beast because she loved to read, and Jasmine (Aladdin) because she was the closest Disney princess to Persian (and I really wanted a pet tiger and to live in a castle).
Unfortunately, real life isn’t the same as a Disney movie otherwise by now, I would have become queen of the world with four sexy male concubines to do all my chores for me (as well as other things). Oh wait… Disney probably wouldn’t be down with that… #sexism.
I am the oldest sibling and the oldest out of my cousins. While it was never explicitly said, you know how Irooni parents are — you better be someone they can be damn proud of.
I never took that responsibility seriously. I just always wanted to do whatever I wanted. Whether that was get wasted at a random frat party or ditch class or make out with some guy I didn’t know.
I never thought my careless decisions would somehow define me and affect my relationships.
I didn’t understand the significance of being the oldest, and what kind of pressure and responsibility it enforced. So I did what I wanted until one wonderful (sarcasm) family vacation.
We were in Mexico with some of my cousins, my little brother and sister, and my dad and his wifey. One night, my sister, cousins, and I got a little tipsy on the goose that Mexicooo is so famous for (tequila). As we partied the night away in our hotel rooms, I noticed my little brother was sitting on the balcony alone.
I stumbled over to him, and he just looked at me and said, “What are you doing with your life? You’re a history major… what are you going to do with that? You’re the oldest here… so WHAT the fuck.”
Initially, I was so mad – how dare he give me shit for being a history major? What is wrong with history? And then as time passed on, I realized that he didn’t really have a problem with what I chose to major in. He had a problem with the fact that I just wasn’t stepping up.
I was supposed to be the person that they could come to for anything — and until that point, I was just playing games in my own little world. I was still acting like a kid, when I was supposed to be someone they could trust.
It really sucks being the oldest because you’re more than just a kid — you’re given responsibility before you even ask for it. And it took for my brother – who’s nine years younger than me – to spell it out for me at 21 before I finally realized that fun and games are one thing, but sometimes you just have to grow up.
He is my motivator. He keeps me on the right track and every time I do get a little crazy, I have the instant fear of disappointing him.
Though at the end of the day, we all deserve a little craziness in our lives – otherwise, what’s the point?
But it’s my brother who has somehow become my constant reminder to do good, to be there for people, to care. Growing up and assuming the responsibility is one thing, but it’s also a reality check.
Reality check: that this doesn’t really happen for everyone in the world. That not everyone is actually nice and willing to take ownership of their actions – whether they make a mistake or do something good. That people do play dirty to get ahead and it’s not just in movies and in random TV shows like Gossip Girl.
The hardest part about growing up for me is not acting like an adult, but it’s realizing that so many people only care for themselves no matter how good they are at hiding it.
And while it took me a long time to get over the fact that not everyone has good intentions, I feel sorry for those people. I feel sorry for people who lie and cheat to get ahead whether it’s in their personal or professional lives – because I believe that karma is a bitch.
Better to be left with everything – like a pain in the ass little bro – than to be left with nothing.
Sorry about the overload on Disney pics – I miss what Disney used to be.
“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” — Walt Disney.
I swear I’m not corny, I just miss watching cartoons.
Can you guess what Disney movie my title is from?
TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON