Persian Girl Gone Wild.

Saaghi here. Its hard to follow after Maz/Jimmy Vestvood, but I’m going to try.

I worked an 18 hour day yesterday, and so tonight, I came home and got high. Loner stoner is not my usual thing- actually never–but Ive discovered  a new level stress thanks to my job. Its even giving me bad dreams, like last night–

I had a nightmare that my Persian Dad found out that I write for Sex& Fessenjoon. And he wouldn’t speak to me, even as I pleaded while balling me eyes out.

I woke up feeling just as sad as I was in my dream, but confused why it affected me so much?

For me, #SEXANDFESSENJOON is all about thinking twice about all that you’ve always been told is wrong, or zesht (dirty, looked down on, ugly, etc).  And partially,

its about defending my right to get high in my underwear, by myself, after work–as a Persian girl.

Or my right to have sex outside of a relationship.

Or even my right to be INAPPROPRIATE.

Cause lets be real, there are too many fucking rules.

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My confession though– Some rules only make sense after your break them. 

Especially the ones that you break over and over again. [Read more…]

Jimmy Vestvood, Love Doctor

Joons -

We are still coming off from our Thanksgiving high and trying to work off all that additional weight we gained stuffing our faces with turkey and fessenjoon. We’re hoping you’re in better shape than we are. As a result, we’re trying to shake off that fessenjoon-goodness by letting someone else take the spotlight tonight.

We’ve had the opportunity to interview some amazing people – from bad asses Ashley Momtaheni and Nima Pourahmadi to rockstar IPANEEMA. So imagine our delight, when Comedian Maz Jobrani agreed to not just an interview — but to giving us some love advice. It sounds crazy — why would S&F need love advice? But you would be surprised…

To be honest, we were a little hesitant at first… What can Maz tell us that we don’t already know? Follow your heart? Bla bla bla. So we decided to investigate and we knew we found the right person for the job when we saw this:

INTRODUCING: JIMMY VESTVOOD.

Maz Jobrani 2.0 — a combination of Maz Jobrani’s comedic swagger, our Persian dads, and all around love guru.

Plus Jimmy’s an Amerikan hero — can you get any sexier than that?

Enjoy!

- Dear Jimmy,

My entire dating history consists of dating Iranian guys. It’s what my parents approve of – it’s the only “race” they will ever allow me to marry into. But lately, I’ve really been into guys outside of my culture. White guys, black guys … the forbidden fruit. I’ve just met this great black guy that I really want to date, but I’m too afraid my parents will never approve of him! What do I do? How do I get my parents to see things from my perspective?

Dees eez a question dat come up all de time in dees day and age. Az you know ve leev in a very melting pot, but I say…

Vhy only try tadeegh from de pot vhen you can have chow mein, black beans, red bens or even deep fried vhite fish. [Read more…]

I’m A 9.9 on the Sex Scale

JOON JOONS,

As most of you know – I’m back home right now visiting the fam and Saaghi joooooooon.  Saaghi is slaving away at work right now so you guys are stuck with me.  Someone’s gotta make the $$$ to support me (looking at you Saaghi joonam).  Shout out to all of you who answered the poll in our last post -- Let’s just say 99% of you will never share your sex life with your parents.

Completely understood.

Personally – I let my mom think that I share everything with her, but if that were the honest to God truth — then I have been celibate for the last five years.

YEAH. RIGHT.

As “cool” as my mom thinks she is when it comes to sharing intimate details of my life, she still kicked me at the house at 18 when she found out I had given head.

#details

But that’s a story for another time.

I’ve been having a lot of R&R time with Saaghi – which totally beats out Skype dates because we can talk all about sex for as long as we want.

When I first lost my virginity – I went through a series (okay by series, I mean two) of hookups.  I had finally lost the V-CARD and I suddenly felt this sense of freedom.  I felt like I could do whatever I wanted, that I didn’t need to hold back when I was with a guy anymore because there wasn’t anything left to “lose.”  There were no more hymens left to break, excuses to come up with to ward off unwanted penetration, etc.

It was exhilarating – not just because I could finally have sex, but it was something different than what I had been experiencing (third base).  Within a span of a few months, I went from having one sexual partner to a total of three without even thinking twice about it (not all at once, thanks).

I’m free bitches

I didn’t really think about numbers when it came to sex.  I just thought – hey this feels new and I want to keep trying it until it feels good.  It was until I was in bed with a boy and he asked me what my “number” is that I started thinking, wait does this really matter?

I remember thinking, “Whew, at least it’s not high…” when I answered him.  And for a long time – that’s what deterred me from having sex.

My community and the fear of actually losing my virginity no longer discouraged me from having sex.  Instead all of that fear was replaced by the pressure and threat of judgement if I had slept with 10+ people. [Read more…]

Can I Get An OH With That

JOONs,

Saaghi and I are finally reunited after what feels like foreverrr – AKA blogspiration.  So check out our new poll below and let us know what you think.

I’m writing to you from the comfort of my mom’s couch.  Is it just me or is everything more comfortable at the parent’s house? The blankets are warmer, the food is better, the towels are softer.  I love coming home — and unlike before, I’ve mastered the art of avoiding their constant guilt trip.

“You’re leaving?”

Y-E-S.

“You don’t want to have dinner with us?” 

N-O.

I’ve had some difficulty coming up with ideas to write about.  Probably because my dating life is a little non-existent and my work life has basically taken over.  But, being so wrapped up with everything unrelated to sex makes me realize…  

that sometimes fantasizing is better than the real thing.

Unfortunately, in my life — fantasies don’t exist.  Imagining the perfect man springing you out of the strip club you’ve had to resort to is just a stupid dream that only slutty Persian girls think about.  Oh wait… just kidding.

The point is that every time I come home…

I’m reminded of the horror and nightmares that only Persian parents can put you through. [Read more…]

Keep Your Man and His Hands to Yourself

Happy Friday!  When it comes to a relationship — some of us just can’t handle being alone (wtfff…).  Check out our guest post this week — she’s not having that nonsense. TGIF! 

Joonies, I have a bone to pick with:

girls who can’t keep their men and boys who can’t keep it in their pants.

You know who I’m talking about, we’ve all seen them, have been friends with them, and yes, we’ve all talked behind their backs… I’m talking about the girl who thinks she’s got a great man and she’s latching on to him for dear life.

And the kind of guy that wants his girl to be around as he fucks up over and over, because aside from being a douchebag he has “the package”. (the mohandes, Doctore, lawyer, blablabla). Don’t get me wrong, I like a guy with “the package” (and a package, if you know what I mean) as much as the next girl but when your relationship becomes so toxic that it starts to fuck with your sanity, then you just need to stop, drop everything and just GET OUT. At the end of the day though, people do what they want– sticking around, taking it–and its really of no consequence to me… usually.

but then there are those girls who can’t deal with their own insecurity, especially when their man’s wandering eye lands on you. [Read more…]

All-Star CockBlock

salaaam.

I’ve been so MIA. even though I apologized for it last week? I seem like those douchey guys I can’t get enough of …

Well, it hasn’t been all work and no play– that’s why there’s so much to catch you guys up on, like totally OMG! I had quite the weekend, but I need to collect my..uh..thoughts..before I post it all over the WWW.

tears of joy, i promise.

But a few weeks ago I had an epiphany– in the backseat of my car, high out of my mind with the only other PURRsian I can stand to get stoned with ;)

I am my own cockblock.

I am my own natural contraceptive, and I did not know this until the moment where I started really imagining what things looked like from the guy’s perspective– and of course, I could only do this if I was very high because my empathy usually only extends to women #sexism.

Maybe all of this will be “uh, duh!” for you all, but for me its kind of shocking:

1. You’re not Funny to someone who you have never met.

I never really hesitate to crack a joke, or a sarcastic remark– even if I have only met the guy for a few seconds. My logic isn’t “hide behind sarcasm”, its more– ooo there’s an opportunity, go for it! And I always assume people will get it, and even if they don’t…maybe they’ll find it endearing?

Nope.

image

Like when I tell a guy my voice sounds like a cow dying?  Hahaa?

My quick “seize the moment” reflex doesn’t always make sense to the other person and I realize now I can quickly go from “girl I’m trying to get to know” to “uh, girl just got weird on me”.

Jokes usually need context, or a little backstory. Especially via email, text, fbook– so much sarcasm and “wit” and “humor” gets lost in translation. [Read more…]

I’m Coco Chanel

Hey hey joons,

Looks like I owe you all an apology too – for being MIA.  But I’ve been AT work … as in haven’t come home in the past five days.  Man, the real world is not a joke.  Badbakhty keshidim.  (just kidding – love my job, even when it requires me to be serious for five minutes). 

And as you can imagine – being MIA really just means that I have a LOT to tell you all.  I’ve been trying a few new things lately – going to new restaurants, hiking (or just walking a lot), going to the gym, and even dating more seriously (sex is so overrated – LOL I can’t even say that with a serious face).

I’ve always been very closed off when it comes to dating guys seriously.  Most of the time, I just start to feel claustrophobic after awhile because I feel like a guy can keep me from opportunities (unfair — and analysis for a later time). 

Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air

But I recognize that flaw in myself and I’ve been trying to overcome it.  Clearly, I’m not doing very well.  I started dating someone in the summer and almost immediately, we branded ourselves with the title (boyfriend/girlfriend).  Not something I’m usually into – but for the sake of being more “open-minded,” I thought #LEGGO.

In the past two-three months, I got a crash course in what a “relationship” really is.

Being someone’s girlfriend comes with a lot of responsibility.  You can’t just tell someone they’re your boyfriend and call it a day.

That’s the problem — when you jump into something, you don’t really realize that there are standards you have to fulfill until it’s too late.

Calling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend after only a few weeks is a desperate act to ensure they won’t sleep with or kiss anyone else while you’re dating them.

You can’t just brand someone with a title because you want them all to yourself. [Read more…]

Sex & Fessenjoon, 2012

HALLO.

It has been so long, and I wanted to say:

It’s not you, it’s me.

Really, work has swallowed me whole sorta. and its making me all sorts of LOOPY– like the other day, I watched 13 going on 30 all by myself (I hate chick flicks) and cried. Or that I spent Sunday shopping for limited edition Disney DVDs? Farrah says it might be because my life hasn’t been very emotional lately– and I think that is code for: its about that time for a douchebag to break my heart again.

Anyway, my sincerest apologies to you joonies, for my cold absence.  And if thats not enough, please accept this amazing Calvin Harris song– after writing this post, I’ll be dancing naked to it in my empty apartment. #baller

And I hope all the people out on the East Coast ( and NJ–where I grew up)– are keeping safe. I know there are many ways to help in the relief effort, but even if you have only two minutes– text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10.

Now I’m not going to assume that all you joonies are reading from the land of the free, home of the brave- Amrika. But its a big day tomorrow– Election Day 2012, OBAMA VS. ROMNEY. Fight to the death.

Just kidding. Although I’d pay-per-view that any day.

I think Elections are exciting. I was 15 when I worked on my first campaign, going from house to house– “canvassing”.  I couldn’t wait to vote, and when 2008 came around, I made my way to the polls and kept the “I Voted!” sticker as a souvenir.

Call me sentimental, call me idealistic, but I still believe voting is empowering. [Read more…]

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