Jimmy Vestvood, Love Doctor

Joons -

We are still coming off from our Thanksgiving high and trying to work off all that additional weight we gained stuffing our faces with turkey and fessenjoon. We’re hoping you’re in better shape than we are. As a result, we’re trying to shake off that fessenjoon-goodness by letting someone else take the spotlight tonight.

We’ve had the opportunity to interview some amazing people – from bad asses Ashley Momtaheni and Nima Pourahmadi to rockstar IPANEEMA. So imagine our delight, when Comedian Maz Jobrani agreed to not just an interview — but to giving us some love advice. It sounds crazy — why would S&F need love advice? But you would be surprised…

To be honest, we were a little hesitant at first… What can Maz tell us that we don’t already know? Follow your heart? Bla bla bla. So we decided to investigate and we knew we found the right person for the job when we saw this:

INTRODUCING: JIMMY VESTVOOD.

Maz Jobrani 2.0 — a combination of Maz Jobrani’s comedic swagger, our Persian dads, and all around love guru.

Plus Jimmy’s an Amerikan hero — can you get any sexier than that?

Enjoy!

- Dear Jimmy,

My entire dating history consists of dating Iranian guys. It’s what my parents approve of – it’s the only “race” they will ever allow me to marry into. But lately, I’ve really been into guys outside of my culture. White guys, black guys … the forbidden fruit. I’ve just met this great black guy that I really want to date, but I’m too afraid my parents will never approve of him! What do I do? How do I get my parents to see things from my perspective?

Dees eez a question dat come up all de time in dees day and age. Az you know ve leev in a very melting pot, but I say…

Vhy only try tadeegh from de pot vhen you can have chow mein, black beans, red bens or even deep fried vhite fish.

I tink you know vhere I am going vit dis – my recomendashion is you should eat at all de restaurants and vhen you find de von you love den you can take your parents der too!

- Dear Jimmy,

I’m a 28 year old single girl. When I was in my early 20′s, my parents never really gave me any trouble over dating. They always said, “I have time.” But now, my parent’s can’t help but only focus on my lack of man presence. I’m terrified of being viewed as TORSHIDEH in the community. Am I as screwed as I think I am?

Don’t vorry, don’t vorry! 28 is de new 27. You have at least von more year before you are torshideh. Een de meantime pelease send me your number so I can set you up vit my cousin Jahangere. He eez 52 and he eez definitely torshideh. I tink that maybe you can help him become sheereen again.

- Dear Jimmy,

I’m a Persian guy who needs some help with the ladies. I feel like all girls tend to be superficial, and while I’m not the best looking or the richest guy — I think I have a lot going for me in other areas. I’d like to think I’m also pretty funny. What’s the best way to get a girl’s attention?

De best vay eez vit a Ferrari.

If you don’t have dat then de next best vay eez to look like Berad Pitt. If you don’t have dat either, den you have to lower your eStandards and find a voman who is more compatibale to you – maybe von who derives a 1986 Honda Civic and looks like de vaitress from Cheers.

- Dear Jimmy,

I have a terrible time meeting guys. I go to bars and parties pretty frequently because that’s where it seems like you meet the most men. But they’re all douchebags. I’m starting to consider online dating — but I’m worried that I’m just going to meet creepers. Any tips??

First of all, I never take a bag in de douche vit me. Dat eez a great vay to ruin a perfectly good bag. Secondly, if you are meeting creeps in de real life den vhy not try de online dating? It can’t get any vorse. Unless if dey cut you up and drop your body off een de desert – den yes, it can get vorse. Good luck!

- Dear Jimmy,

My dad is an engineer. My brother followed in my dad’s footsteps. And I’ve been raised to follow too — to become an engineer, get my PHD and do what my dad does. But I hate science and I hate math. They’re the only classes I’m failing in school and my dream is to become a journalist. But every time I bring it up to my parents, they completely shut me down. How can I get them to understand that engineering just isn’t for me?

Eezy! Tell your dad dat you are bringing a science experiement home. Den burn de whole house down vit your experiment. DEN, get a microphone and a camera and cover de fire from outside your own home for a veb channel dat you come up vit. Dey vill never vant you to be an engineer or doctor ever again and dey vill feel peroud of you because you covered the fire and got dem good press.

- Dear Jimmy,

I’m a total Momma’s boy and I love it. My mom’s your typical Persian mother, and I’ve come to appreciate everything she does for me. But somehow, all the girls I date seem to resent her. How can I balance my Persian mother and my girlfriend?

You should never try to balance your mother AND your girlfriends. Dis can get very heavy and you can hurt your back.

I alvays first pick up my mother, give her a big kiss, den pick up my girlfriend and give her a big kiss too.

Dis vay they both get your luv and you don’t hurt your back.

- Dear Jimmy,

I feel like guys never appreciate me for being smart. I feel like I have to dumb myself down to get a guy’s attention and whenever I do well or become successful in something, I can feel him almost immediately losing interest in me. Do guys only like stupid girls? Will a guy ever appreciate me for my brains or do I have to stick to wearing scandalous clothes just to get a guy to notice me?

I have heard of dis kind of peroblem before. You are too esmart for guys to appreciate you. You intimdate dem and dey despise you for it.

The answer is easy — become a lesbian.

Vomen are all eSmart and they von’t be afraid of you for being eSmarter dan them. They might cut you vhen you’re asleep, but dey von’t be intimidated.

- Dear Jimmy,

I recently started a new guy – he’s super sweet and we have a lot in common. I really like how things are going and we have great chemistry. But sometimes, he makes really offensive jokes. I know he’s not trying to be rude, but I just don’t find some of his jokes funny. We have a different sense of humor and sometimes I just want to let him know that I don’t think what he is saying is funny, but I’m worried I will scare him away. How can I let him know he’s offending me?

Dees is a serious peroblem. Some people are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE joke tellers. Take my cousin Kazem for de example. Every joke he tell he mess up de punchline. It make me offended! So de other day I tell him, “Kazem, baba, velesh kon! Chaghad harf meezanee.” And he shut up. So maybe de next time your boyferend tell a joke tell him to shut up!


- Dear Jimmy,

I want to have sex. That’s it. I’m in my 20s and I’m still a virgin. I was raised to believe that losing your virginity before marriage means that you are a whore. All through high school and college, I watched as my friends did what they wanted with guys and never regretted it (unless they were really drunk) and I just stayed behind on the sidelines. Now I really regret it and I don’t even care who I lose it to. Is sex really that big of a deal?

Yes it eez. Pelease give me your number!

Check out Maz Jobrani’s Jimmy Vestvood by clicking here (or www.jimmyvestvood.com)

FACEBOOK MAZ JOBRANI

FACEBOOK US

XX,

THE S&F TEAM
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Comments

  1. lol….hadn’t heard from maz in a while. last time i heard about him was from my professor who used to be his professor too.

  2. Awesome. Love me some Maz!

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