Material Guy

Hihi joonies,

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas — I’m not trying to make a religious assertion here, but we know that most Iranians love to go all out for Christmas. Presents, the competition between families as to who has the better tree, who cooked the best dinner, who’s gained the most holiday weight, etc. – not that I’m complaining, I am not afraid to show off my holiday weight as long as they continue to feed me.

I LOVE tadig

I LOVE tadig

But I skipped PERSIAN/VERZION Christmas this year and instead hid out in a small town with some close friends. #cantcomplain

The best part about spending time with close friends during the holidays is not just the ability to avoid interrogations about where you’re going, what you’re eating, what you’re doing (love my family I swear) — but the best part really is being able to just talk about anything without worrying that your 16 year old brother is eavesdropping.

Most of my friends and I are pretty different.  We all chose different areas of work to pursue, we have different tastes in guys, different interests, but when it comes to boy trouble – our issues are usually the same.

Confusion over relationships is universal.

Sometimes I feel like relationships aren’t as innocent they used to be.  Back in high school, I had this boyfriend for two weeks and then that boyfriend for another two weeks. The concern over whether he had family values or was goal-oriented was never really an issue because in high school, we were in the moment rather than focusing on the future.

At least I was.

Now in my 20′s, every date I go on or every boy I meet, I go through a mental checklist to see if they meet up to my “desired needs” aka to see if they are list material.

rudd

I usually decide between the first five – ten minutes whether the guy I’m talking to meets my requirements (though I’ve been blinded many times). 

We all have that ideal perfect man drawn up in our head. [Read more...]

It’s the Holidays and Here Come the FOBs.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I’ll keep it brief because I know you want to go back to your regular eating&sleeping schedule.

For a Persian with immigrant parents, the holidays are not as festive or as merry as they are for sefeeds (white people). Sure, it’s a time to relax, sleep in, and do nothing, but it is also a time where I find myself held captive in a small space with a few other deranged psychos. (it’s all love, I swear).

Holidays with the Crazies, are very similar to Vacation with the Crazies (click for laughs), but there’s one important difference: There’s a huge pressure on this time of year to enjoy your family’s company, and to be around them more than any other time. And look, I get it– I love my family, I don’t have a second family to run away to, but when it comes to being around each other for more than 2 hours– well, that’s when our crazy starts to show.  Growing up, I wished for a picturesque Holiday season, but I soon realized NOPE, WE’RE NOT WHITE–WE’RE DIFFERENT. 

We don’t roast chestnuts over an open fire, we roast each other. And we don’t stop until somebody yells or cries.

For my Father, the Holiday season is a great time for an Annual Review of his Employees (a.k.a his children).

One year, my dad told my brother and me to make a list of what we thought we did wrong in the past year, how we could improve and what our New Year’s goals were. I was 15, my brother was 10. Then we proceeded to write ‘Our Resolution Plan’ on a huge poster board, in bullet-point format, and post it in the hallway outside our rooms.

Accountability was my dad’s Xmas gift to us that year.

Other years, we’d spend the weekend in NYC– walking minimum 65 blocks a day while our noses froze because that was my Dad’s idea of ‘having fun in the city’.

For the rest of the family, it’s a time to let the DRAMA flow. My mom is always prepping for some holiday mehmooni, and yelling at us to not touch the food before the party starts: “DAST NAZAN, BARA MEHMOONEH!” (Don’t touch, its for the guests!) Did my mom not get the memo that holidays means ‘Saaghi devours everything in sight’?

Last year during this time of year, I was lucky enough to have my grandparents (the set that have never been to America) visit — straight from Isfahan. And this made the Holidays that much more lovely. Why?

Because not only was it Welcome to America, it was Welcome to Las Vegas. [Read more...]

What Comes Next?

JOONS,

It’s Shabeh Yalda – a night where we spend time with our loved ones, eating, drinking – and remembering to enjoy life. This is how Saaghi and I plan to celebrate Shabeh Yalda tonight - the longest night of the year - 

fessReally the best way to spend any night: stuffing our faces with fessenjoon. YUM.

All through college, all anyone ever told me was that my 20′s were going to be the best years of my life.  The years spent enjoying everything that is available to me, every opportunity, every change, and positive outcome. My 20′s were defined for me as the best that life was ever going to give me. 

And that’s how I always imagined it would be.  I expected to graduate from college and jump into a world of possibility, a world of hope and opportunity… where nothing felt out of reach.

I was determined.  I was excited for all the different things I would get to experience only because I was finally in my 20′s — the infamous decade where I get to be exactly who I want to be. And frankly, it sounded easy.  I felt like I would graduate and instantly, I’d be exactly where I wanted to be in my life.

lennonAnd then I finally graduated from college and instead of entering a world of possibilities… I was hit with confusion and fear.

Do I move home? Do I take this job that has nothing to do with what I want? What will my parents say if I get an unpaid internship?

Where do I go from here? [Read more...]

Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels.

Hola,

2012 is winding down, and I almost can’t believe it. How does time fly? New Years is always an appropriate time for reflection (cliche but inevitable) and I’ve been thinking more about myself, 10 years ago… It might be because my Pandora is set to 90s music? But when you’re 18, you can’t really reflect on what it was like when you were 8.  Now I’m at that age, where I remember what it was like 10, 8, 5 years ago. I remember why I thought the way I did, and why I did the things I did. And with all those memories– I can’t help but feel weird. Is that what happens when you get old– your younger self starts to become a bigger shadow?

Jeez, can I please not get old? #fountainofyouth

Anyway, the more I think about Saaghi circa early 2000s, I realize I haven’t confessed something that really haunted/dogged me for most of those years: My Body.

It’s no secret that Persians are very vocal about weight — “topol” (chubby) is a word that’s just tossed around, almost endearingly, but for a 13 year old girl– that word is damaging.

At least that’s how I felt about it. As a kid, I was never aware of what my body looked like to others. But when I hit puberty, and I had chipmunk cheeks, I was growing boobs, and I was all sorts of awkward–well, I became very aware of what my body looked like from the outside.

People’s comments only reinforced my insecurities and by the time I got to high school, I had also eaten my insecurities. [Read more...]

I’ll Have Seconds… And Thirds

Joonies,

I slept until 3 pm today.  Yeah… that’s right – I slept for over 12 hours and I was disgusted with myself for doing that.  So I went to the gym to make up for it – and rewarded myself with a nice big dinner.  Naturally. Well-played Sunday if you ask me.

I had a good weekend – spent it with friends – we went out to a fancy bar (oxymoron) last night and just spent the night dancing, flirting with boys (me), and … then me watching them make out with their boyfriends. Riveting.

I’m really lucky with my group of friends – they’re sweet, caring, always there for each other, good cooks (obviously that’s on my list of criteria), and we all have different types when it comes to guys… for the most part.

I like Persian, and they like everything else – which is a blessing because if that wasn’t the case, we would have a hard time meeting the “Girl Code.”

Girl Code: Never hook up with a friend’s ex-boyfriend/fling.

And I’m a big believer in that. I think friends are more important than getting fancy with a guy that they used to date… and frankly, there are enough fish in the sea where there just shouldn’t be an overlap.

Personally, I would feel uncomfortable if my close friend was f#cking my ex – not because of “principle,” but because… that’s just weird if your friend dates someone you have history with.

no

Think about it – when you’re in a relationship, you share a certain degree of intimacy with your significant other.  Not just sex, but the emotions that sometimes come with it. How would you feel if your friend was sharing that same feeling with someone that made you feel a certain way?

I will never date someone my friend once did — not because it’s wrong, but because it brings awkwardness to a whole new level. [Read more...]

I Believe Therefore I Am

JOONS,

Read my last post? Things were getting a little cray in the comments section (click here).

I dont intend to dedicate an entire post to my response but I think it’s time that maybe I just set some records straight – tell you all my opinion/beliefs.

Negative comments are hard – at the end of the day, Saaghi and I are only human. And while we encourage people to share their opinions, sometimes it hurts.  But we knew what we got ourselves into and we are so lucky to even have this blog and the people who read it — whether they like it or not.

You don’t have to agree with what we write — as long as you read it.

I didn’t ask to be a woman.  I didn’t ask to be Iranian.

I was born this way. I am an Iranian American woman and I refuse to claim otherwise.

I can’t imagine being someone different.

iri

I was born into a set of expectations – cooker, mother, submissive.  

I was born into the usual gender stereotypes where women are inferior to men.  My parents talked about my wedding like it would be the most pivotal moment in my life.  My accomplishments were supposed to be based on my ability to cook ghormeh sabzi without using a microwave and my tactics in safeguarding my virginity for the one. 

Sorry but — I don’t believe that those factors define an Iranian woman. 

A woman is a human with a vagina. A man is a human with a penis.

It took a long time (and a lot of fighting) for me to reach that conclusion.

But I believe that we are all individuals and only we can define what that means for OURSELVES.  [Read more...]

The Green-Eyed Frenemy

Hello,

I am so hungover from my Company holiday party that its painful to even use my brain, so I’m sorry if this post is a little… elementary. Can you believe it’s already December? and I have no vacation plans. Oh, adulthood has even sucked the joy out of the holidays.

Do you know what else sucks the fun out of the holidays?

Having to see all the people you usually try to avoid.

Its true– at the family parties, mehmoonis, etc– everyone is there, because there is no excuse for missing the occasion. People are home from college, people have off from work, there’s enormous amounts of food; essentially, its like being held hostage at an All-You-Can-Eat buffet.

So basically, holidays sometimes turn into an Annual Review. I hear about everyone’s life:  where they’re at, what’s going on, who they’re sleeping with, where they last vacationed, etc. It’s an exchange of information from the span of one year compacted into one conversation. And what happens is you’re forced to pause and evaluate yourself, especially in comparison to who you’re talking to.

That brings up a lot of feelings. And sometimes, its jealousy.

And you know, I feel bad. I think jealousy gets a bad rep. People think its the ugliest word, and being a “jealous person” is not taken to be a good thing. But its actually a pretty basic instinct, if you think about it.

Jealousy is a part of our nature, like sadness and anger. And if its natural, there has to be some good that comes from it? [Read more...]

My DooDool Is Made of Gold

Hey Joonies,

It’s been a long day.  I’m tired. I just went on a cleaning rampage and now I feel like my entire body reeks of bleach. But shit needs to get done – ya feel me?

All I want to do tonight is relax and laugh.  

I’m going to pretend like I wasn’t planning to go for a run tonight – ugh why is running so hard? Better question is, why is it so much easier to eat something like this:

cupcakwe

Bomb

My type in food is … NO DISCRIMINATION – I love it all – minus the weird stuff, like cow tongue, cow BALLS, kalehpacheh, and all the weird shit our culture claims is okay to eat.

When it comes to dating, my type is starting to become more of a disappointment/ball buster than a night well spent.

I have a tendency to go for the unemployed, douchey, mama’s boys.

I’m not really sure what the appeal is in that — wish I could say that they’re really packing it (if ya know what I mean). But the reality is they’re equally lacking in that area.

#khaktosarem / #mommyissues?

Men who don’t have a lot to offer have a tendency to overcompensate in an effort to hide their true colors until you’re hooked. [Read more...]

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