My DooDool Is Made of Gold

Hey Joonies,

It’s been a long day.  I’m tired. I just went on a cleaning rampage and now I feel like my entire body reeks of bleach. But shit needs to get done – ya feel me?

All I want to do tonight is relax and laugh.  

I’m going to pretend like I wasn’t planning to go for a run tonight – ugh why is running so hard? Better question is, why is it so much easier to eat something like this:

cupcakwe

Bomb

My type in food is … NO DISCRIMINATION – I love it all – minus the weird stuff, like cow tongue, cow BALLS, kalehpacheh, and all the weird shit our culture claims is okay to eat.

When it comes to dating, my type is starting to become more of a disappointment/ball buster than a night well spent.

I have a tendency to go for the unemployed, douchey, mama’s boys.

I’m not really sure what the appeal is in that — wish I could say that they’re really packing it (if ya know what I mean). But the reality is they’re equally lacking in that area.

#khaktosarem / #mommyissues?

Men who don’t have a lot to offer have a tendency to overcompensate in an effort to hide their true colors until you’re hooked.

Now THAT’s what I call sexy - sarcasm.

I like to think that my vast experience in getting with the infamous doodool-tala (golden penis complex) gives me a little authority to pass some judgement because let’s be real…

At the end of the day, why would anyone ever WANT to be a DOODOOL-TALA?

*disclaimer: some of these apply to women too – #sorrynotsorry 

mom

I love my mom as much as the next person does.  And you should – you should love your mom – because she gives you life, she takes care of you, she loves you unconditionally.  Mothers are invaluable.  

But in the Iranian culture, mothers coddle us beyond recognition.  They don’t just play the role of a parental figure in our lives – we’re baby’ed, fed, and changed until we’re old enough to say “no.”

For me — I ran out of my mother’s grasp at the first opportunity I had.  And even now, I fight off her coddling with every bone in my body because I just can’t handle it.  And when I date a guy who expects me to baby him… I’m usually running out the door before I can put my underwear back on.

Doodool-talas come in all shapes and sizes — but they share some distinct qualities: 

- I DON’T WANT TO DO IT: 

Growing up – I was never expected to do chores.  My mom did my laundry, she made me food, she cleaned my dirty dishes.  In fact, all of that “I’ll do it for you” only ended up hurting me in the long run.  I didn’t learn to do laundry until a year and a half ago – and even then, I didn’t realize that “fabric softener” isn’t actually detergent until I’d already used it for 3 months.

You live and you learn.

DON’T judge me.

It took awhile for me to learn how to use the stove and cook food that didn’t require a microwave.  And despite some setbacks (I still can’t figure out a damn can-opener), I’ve been able to survive on my own for awhile now. (I’m such a princess). 

But there’s nothing more unattractive to me than when a guy tries to pawn off his laundry on me — or can’t figure out how to use the oven.  (Not that I’m an oven master…) but their inability to just do it reminds me that their mama is still taking care of them.

DOODOOL-TALA ALERT.

sex

- GRATIFICATION:

Listen, we’re Persian.  Manners are embedded in our DNA — as much as we talk shit, we find ways to redeem ourselves by being polite and hospitable.  It’s almost insulting when non-Iranians go to Iran and comment on how surprised they are that we are so giving.  It’s who we are.

My biggest lesson in learning manners was when I was six years old. My parents took me to one of those mehmoonis that I hated.  I was a shy kid – I hated the spotlight and so my mom got creative with earning her bragging rights within the community.  She made a deal with me that night — if I said “hello” and “goodbye” to all SEVENTY-FIVE guests, she would let me get the pet rabbit that I had been asking for.

So… I did it.  I went to every single person in the house that night and said hello… then goodbye.  I let them all kiss me twice on the cheek — though it’s debatable since the older people get, the closer to your mouth they kiss. I let my mom brag about how polite I was and the next day, we bought my pet bunny, Muffin.

bad

Of course, that night set a precedent for every gathering thereafter and I appreciate it.  I pride myself on being polite and caring.  I believe it is important.  We should all have some “orzeh” (Trans.: common sense?).

But why do I have to applaud some guy for throwing away his trash?

I had an interesting experience once.  This guy made a point to say that he is throwing away the can of soda he finished to the recycling bin.  I just kinda stood there like … okay. But he proceeded to say how his dad won’t give him any credit when he does this at home.

Since when do we get credit for cleaning up after ourselves? We might get rewarded with some “applause” for cleanliness when we are in our teens… but in our 20′s — that’s some baby shit that just doesn’t fly - at least with me.

Are you really implying that I have to say,

“OMG! You washed your plate?! BABY, meet me in the bedroom in 2 minutes and I’ll thank you the way you deserve.”

You must really be smoking too much of that golden crack.

DOODOOL-TALA ALERT.

ugh

- I’M IN THE BUILDING AND I’M FEELIN’ MYSELF:

I admit.  I probably change my clothes 3+ times before leaving the house.  Luckily, my hair is manageable and I have a tendency to go more for the natural look when it comes to my face (AKA makeup is hard). But when it comes to getting dressed, I can never decide. If I’m running late to meet someone – it’s probably because I changed my shirt 4 times… and still left the house with the original outfit I had planned. Clearly, I have problems.

But if it takes me that long to get ready — can you imagine my disgust when it takes a guy longer to get ready? Yes, we’re all making an impression when we leave the house. Some of us more than others…

I just don’t want to wait for you. And there’s something unsexy about a guy who spends over 30 minutes on his hair…

If your hair is shorter than mine, then it should take a third of the time it takes me to fix it.  Logic right?

Clearly, logic never met a doodool-tala.

I don’t want to sit there and listen to you about what pants match your pink shirt.  It’s just not my thing. I can barely stand it when my friends take foooorever to get ready.  Plus – it’s an instant turn-off if we’re f#cking and my hands get stuck in your hair because of all the gel that you soaked into it.

doodoo

Even Beyonce can run her fingers through her hair.

DOODOOL-TALA ALERT.

Joonies, we all have an inner doodool-tala — but there’s those of us who grow out of it… and those of us bask in it.  You can be who you want to be – the whole “be a man” thing is a little gender biased and unfair …

But I just don’t want to have sex with someone who needs their hand held if they pick up a napkin from the floor.

I might be a doodool-tala when it comes to working the oven, but there is a vast difference between that and someone who needs their date to fill in their mother’s shoes.

To me, being “manly” doesn’t mean that you never ask for help or you can lift 1000 lbs. Being a man is independence… being a man is knowing your strengths and embracing your weaknesses.  Being a man is having the ability to ask for help when you actually need it versus asking for help because you just don’t want to do it.

So here’s to no more doodool-talas in my bed — if you expect me to clean up your dirty condom off the floor then I’m going to choke with you my fessenjoon when you least expect it.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON

NOVIOLENCE,

FARRAH فرح

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Comments

  1. I have no idea why the hell is this so similar across South Asian cultures lol but it is

  2. omg this girl ^ is so fucking annoying.

    • What annoys about her?

      • The piece she wrote for S&F and her general comments connecting everything to South Asians. It also should be noted that I was in a terrible mood when I made that comment lol.

    • Newsflash! People in general all over the world behave in a not so different manner from each other… we do have or differences but its our similarities that brings us together and thats why I love reading SF and writing and commenting on it too, because eastern cultures and esp people who are brought up with eastern heritage in the West face similar difficulties from their community and from the wider white community.

      Thats how I relate with people cos I live in a very diverse community. I hope we can come to an understanding where you can see that too.

      Regards,
      The Annoying Girl ;)

      • I’m not ignorant of that fact. It just gets tiring to be grouped into this category “eastern heritage” and it would be nice to have something that is specific to Iranians.

        p.s. i’m not at all telling you or suggesting you should stop commenting. girl, you know i’m just ranting ;)

  3. Chizi ke tu neveshtat malmuse ine ke saghfe (ceiling) khaaste hat az ye rabete, sexe. Va chon faghat az rabetat sex mikhay, ehtemalan mafhumi mesle “az khod gozashtegi” barat ma’na nadare. Be hamin khater inke masalan condome taraf ro az ru zamin bardari barat azar dahandast!

  4. That’s why I don’t like my daughter get involved with a persian boy. All persian mothers treat their sons like doodool talas and it will not change no matter how educated or professional they get. That’s why our culture stays as a male doninant one even though we live here and raise our boys in a western culture. That’s truly sad. Well said Farah.

    • I guess you ignored the fact that your daughter also is Persian and has a Persian mom, named Sara. Persian guys and gals are preordained for each other since they both have Persian parents and upbringing. I never recommend a Persian girl to find a doodool tala iranian boy, nor do I ever recommend a Persian boy finding a naaz-tala (just coind this term!) iranian girl. However, these boys and girls are destined to find their mates among their people, if they want to be truly happy.

  5. Farrah jan, Iran zendegi mikonam and I started to read your blog for a few months now, but I have to say that you’re not in touch with Iranian culture. You probably spent only a few months in your whole life in Iran but it’s not enough to claim to be Iranian. You are American honey… not Iranian. Don’t summarize the beauty of the Iranian culture and identity to the number of guys that banged you (apparently, easily) #IhopetheGuysUseCondomnsWithYou.
    I’m an Iranian girl and I don’t use a microwave to cook… I cook…
    You don’t want people to judge you, but you judge everybody.
    Too bad your blog becomes childish and exclusively for Western readers. Please, we live in Iran, don’t make people think we are jendeh.We respect ourselves…

    • Calling her jendeh is outrageous. Az Farrah ma’zerat bekhah. Zud bash!
      :D

    • Hello Ghazal,

      I usually don’t comment on Farrah’s posts, but you really motivated me! Iranian-American bloggers- that is what we are. We do not claim to represent “Iranian girls”– just ourselves.

      I feel bad that with your comment you actually summarized what is NOT beautiful about the Iranian culture: Harsh and blind judgment. “Jendeh”? Really? So because you can cook and you dont “give it up easy”– you respect yourself?

      Because the only way a woman respects herself is when she guards her vagina like a safe, and has impressive cooking skills. Great. I’ve been doing this whole self-respect thing really wrong then. Surely, a woman who calls out another woman for her sex life in such a demeaning way is respecting herself.

      You didn’t have to agree with anything that was written, but the fact that you attacked Farrah for her worth as a woman…

      Well, I hope you can be a better Iranian woman than that.

      xx,
      Saaghi

    • prrrsiankitten says:

      Ghazal jan,

      First of all, I commend you for learning English so well. It is definitely difficult to become so fluent in the English language from half-way across the world that you learn to insult and accuse in a second language.

      Honey, I have grown up and been immersed in both cultures. I am proud to say that. And I will tell you this: We, here in America learn to bring home the bacon (YES, bacon) AND cook it. We also learn that Freedom is a right, but also a RESPONSIBILITY. Being free to do (for the most part) what you want doesn’t mean going ape-shit. It means you are responsible for your actions. You can no longer blame the government for all your mistakes; you cannot blame it for not being motivated; you cannot blame the government for acting out in crazy ways; you cannot blame the government for throwing your life away because, to hell with it, there’s no hope and nothing to live for. And I’m not saying that all young women or men in Iran are like that; I’m also not saying that every young American doesn’t make mistakes. But, you know who and what I’m talking about.

      I’m not generalizing, I’m NOT stereotyping, and for the most part, I don’t even like to talk about this, but don’t go there, Honey, because if you want to, I will. Girls in Iran are far more promiscuous at a far younger age than girls in the West. Just because we are not “ab zireh kah” and “muzi” about it, and have the Freedom of Speech backing us up, and haven’t learned from Day One, to have different faces for different places (as many girls in Iran do: one for the government, one for maman, one for baba, one for the famil, one for the school, one for “friends”, one for Boyfriend #1, one for Boyfriend#2…) doesn’t make us easy or easy to please, it makes us HONEST, honey–with ourselves, with others, and with our intentions. We have learned the mantra “Be Yourself”. You have learned the mantra, “Hejab Metanat Ast”. Honey, “Metanat Hejab Ast”, and don’t you ever forget it. And Metanat begins in the heart. Go fix your perspective. You have never been here. You’ve never been to the U.S. I have been to and LIVED in Iran. You may speak English but you don’t know our language; but, Honey, I’ve lived in Iran and I’ve got your number. (Not literally, it’s a figure of speech, calm down.)

      I know it must be tough to live in a country where you’re considered a second-class citizen by-law. That’s not easy. I realize you guys think that, because many of you in Iran do many things in secret, what must we be doing in secret, considering what we choose to openly admit. But, Honey, let me reassure you, we DO sympathize with your plight.

      And, another thing: sex is sex, regardless of where you are. If this blog hadn’t been something a person could relate to, I don’t see any reason why anyone would have spent months reading it.

      You take care of yourself, Honey.

  6. thank you, ghazal, for further reinforcing the doubts i sometimes have about who i am in the world, am i australian? am i persian? am i australian-persian?

    as you may not understand, living in iran and all, us farangi’s are here for whatever circumstance, often in conditions we have zero control over and therefore we assimilate with our local populations. for the most part, we are “terrorists” and “ay-rabz” in the eyes of the uneducated and judgemental which make up an unfortunately huge part of our populations. sure, i drink beers (ciders) and watch cricket and afl (australian football-vahshee) and do other australian things (i.e. walk around wearing a singlet and shorts and what americans call flip-flops, go to the beach and surf while everyone panics about my body-hair), but when it comes to being persian, lemme tell ya, my blood boils with the goddamn reddest persian blood there ever was. just because we live “here” and not in iran doesn’t make us less persian.

    for multiple reasons, i think you owe farrah an apology.

    #khejaalatbekesh
    #lookingforpersianrecipesohlookwhatsthis

    btw, can you revolution already so we can all visit iran and not get pwned for bullshit reasons? cheers.

  7. Damet Gharm Farrah! I think you nailed it! As for other women commenting from Iran or think they own a tala vagina. Listen we as Iranian-Americans have to deal with assimilating in American Society and adhering to our Iranian ways from our parents. Its a balance that both boys and girls face. So for the wonderful woman who thinks Farrah is a jendeh! Get off her blog, and make your own on what an angel you are in Iran. I have read these blogs and its refreshing that we can read different perspectives that in our culture is taboo. Also to my understanding as an Iranian- American that travels to Iran, the new generation is quite aware with their sexuality. In addition to the awareness of their sexuality, when they immigrate to the West, some not, all tend to go crazy. So lets just read these blogs, gain an understanding and not attack each other.

  8. wait a minute, fabric softener isn’t laundry detergent?!!!!

  9. I love your blog. Clearly you are not generalizing and many persian people might not relate to your stories but for those who do (including myself) your stories are pretty informative and interesting haha. anyway here is my two cents, there are really really nice persian or khareji/persian guys, who are independent , (not doodooltala to that extent) and really really gentleman. Im not saying that there are many but they still do exist (didam ke migam). Even though you are attracted to (DJ, douchebag or whatever you call them I have read it before I can’t recall it) you have to change yourself a bit so you won’t end up with those doodooltala, mommy guys! srsly consider this!
    much love xx

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