2013 is here, and this past year has been a wild ride for S&F. We started at the end of 2011, and in all honesty, we didn’t know if anyone would read the sh!t we posted online. When in the second week, the site hit 100 views– it felt like we had hit the jackpot.
We’ve never really had expectations and that is probably why everything about Sex&Fessenjoon has just been a crazy surprise.
Nothing has been more surprising than how much it has become a part of who we each are – as writers for this site. So as an ode to a year of posts that covered everything from divorce to rape, we want to tell the story of what this blog has done for our lives.
the good & the bad.
Since this blog launched, I have gotten a lot of questions: Are you the writer for S&F? Do you know the writers? Who are they?
Honestly, some people I lie to, and some I tell the truth. But now more recently, I find it so much harder to deny because it is a HUGE part of my life, in the sense that its something I invest a lot of time and effort in. I hold a full time job that sometimes requires 80+ hours/week– but there is not a day that goes by, that there is not AT LEAST one conversation between Farrah and I about Sex & Fessenjoon – whether its a blog post, brainstorming, strategy, interviews, etc.
You are what you do. and I do S&F. So I can’t keep it hidden.
Anonymity isn’t this wall that I hide behind, but it is how I protect the people that I love. Unfortunately, with all the questions that people ask, and the suspicions that they have– I know my confirmation or denial will come with a judgment. It’s natural, and especially in the Iranian-American community, a STAMP will be put on my forehead like a Scarlet letter.
‘S’ for Sex blogger. S for Scandal. S for shame.
I don’t care about my reputation (most of the time). But I care A LOT about my family and my friends. As much as I want to take credit for everything that I’ve done for this baby of mine, I know that there will be people who will shun not just me, but my family– and they will judge and talk sh!t.
My parents have done nothing but sacrifice for me and struggle to give me a blessed life. In return, I cannot make their life harder. I know they will stand by me even if they don’t understand, but that is not something I want to ask them to do.
As time goes by, this becomes the most frustrating internal struggle.
For now – for me, this is the creative outlet that helps me come to terms with some of the internal bullshit I deal with, and it has helped me come to terms with so many experiences that I just brushed aside.
When I wrote about how I was raped, I felt very naked. It felt good afterwards, but I still didn’t think I had all of a sudden grown balls and was totally OK with sharing it in person with others. Specifically,I always thought that when I started to like someone, this was the ONE detail I’d keep to myself.
The truth is I didn’t want to be seen as damaged goods. I didn’t want to be walked out on because of it.
I recently started dating someone. And I told him pretty early on about how I was raped when I was 18. And I thought once the words left my mouth, I would be so regretful and I’d be SO ANXIOUS to see what his reaction would be.
But I wasn’t. When I was done telling him, I actually didn’t care what he thought. I didn’t need his validation to make sure I wasn’t damaged goods, I knew I wasnt. Without S&F, I don’t think I could have come to accept the sexual abuse in my past as an experience that has made me who I am. This is something I’m beyond grateful for…
When I wrote about how much I resented my mother, I felt really guilty. Recently, when I wrote about my eating disorder, it brought up so many repressed feelings. But (as cliche as it sounds) if my personal struggle resonates with someone who reads a post…
not only is it all worth it, but then Sex & Fessenjoon makes sense.
When Saaghi first approached me about S&F – I didn’t really want to do it… not because I thought it was a stupid idea (because I didn’t), I was scared to. Just plain scared. I grew up feeling resentful of the pressure my family put me through – whether it was about their divorce or my grades. I kept my sexual history a secret…
I lied because I felt like I was slut… and I didn’t want anyone to know the truth.
I’m not really sure what convinced me to do it – once I agree to do something, I don’t really think about it again – not the consequences or the benefits. I just do it.
Looking back over the year – S&F started out as a huge struggle that I had to overcome. Like Saaghi, I got a lot of questions about who the writers for this blog are, “Are you the writer? Why are they anonymous? Is it because they give blow jobs?”
But for me – the anonymity was a comfort. No one would really know that I had sex last month or that I like third base. S&F gave me an outlet to celebrate who I am without actually owning up to my actions. But as time passed, many of the people that I had grown to trust and thought were my friends started to shun me within the community because of what they read on this blog.
People who were once job references turned out to be my worst nightmare – all in the name of sex.
Initially, that judgment just made me more ashamed. But now… I can truthfully say that I don’t regret one falling out or a single post. S&F forced me to not just weed out bad friends, but it taught me to be comfortable with myself and my actions.
I was so busy preaching “be true to yourself” even though I wasn’t a real representative of that — but S&F forced me to be.
Farrah has taught me to be more open-minded, honest, and proud.
And that’s why SEXANDFESSENJOON has been such a big part of my life — it taught me to grow up. S&F taught me to embody the person I’ve always wanted to be — S&F has been an incredible support for me. The anonymity is no longer a comfort for me — I just don’t care what about it anymore because I’m proud to be who I am — and that’s all thanks to S&F.
I’m not scared anymore because I believe with every fiber in my being what Saaghi and I are doing through S&F.
Joonies, we love you all. Every comment, Facebook like, Tweet, etc. makes our day. And this is the absolute truth. So as we go into 2013, we want to ask you guys to keep the love (and the hate) coming, and to bookmark SEXANDFESSENJOON.COM because its just going to get better from here!