My Virginity is Not A Challenge.

Happy MONDAY Joonies, I keep it #FRESH as Hell, thanks to DIPLO:

Ironically, I’m extremely uncomfortable getting detailed/personal– but its not fair that Farrah spills all the personal shit, and Saaghi gets away with sarcasm & embarassing stories.

I don’t know how many of you reading are virgins, half-virgins, or far from it. But in both the Persian & American culture, its kind of a big deal where you stand in regards to the BIG V.

As girls, we don’t know what to do with it–lose it? Keep it? Save it? Share it?

As guys, they just want to get it over with, and never look back. The longer a guy is a virgin, the more of a repressed creep he becomes.

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How to Lose a Girl in One Day

HELLOHELLO,

Sometimes when you have a shitty date, you need to let the dust settle before analyzing what exactly went wrong.

See joonies, some guys just go a little overboard when they’re trying to impress you.  This is what they need to realize:

There’s a fine line between confidence and cocky

and when that line is crossed, everything is downhill from there.

#forreal

When a guy asks a girl out- the date should really be about him getting to know her, the date shouldn’t be about how “great” he is.  Ultimately, we really don’t want to hear it.  We’ve already agreed to go out with them, and it’s not so we can listen to how awesome they are.

Going on and on about yourself isn’t going to convince us to suck your d*ck.

Sorryaboutit.

I’ve been on a decent number of dates: I’ve sat through the good, the bad and the ugly (boys: please don’t cry on a first date- it’s a guarantee sex chance killer).  

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She Got It From Her Momma

JOOOOOOONS.

Its about to get real awkward.

You’ll see what I mean in a minute….

So like most girls, I really really like it rough. Now, no punching and hitting, but I enjoy a bit of shoving and smacking– not gonna lie. And I love biting.

If I don’t get bitten, I’m going to fall asleep on you.

The only downside to all of this is the marks and bruises on your body the next day. How do I explain looking like I just got into a fight with a vampire?

By now my friends know what to expect, and they’re more shocked when there is no bruises, than when there are.

For me, personally, its worth the public embarassment– I just really can’t get off without it. And I have to say there are instances when i’m drunk or he’s drunk, that its gone overboard.

Instance One: I woke up in the morning after a hookup to find my neck a necklace full of bruises. And this was one of those chunk necklaces if you know what I mean. I legitimately looked like someone had attempted to choke me.

You can imagine my terror when I had to walk into Mosque the following afternoon– THANK GOD FOR THE HIJAB.

All the foundation in the world couldn’t help my cause. When some people caught a glimpse and asked in horror, ‘what happened?’ I’d say, ‘oh a really bad allergic reaction to my perfume’– and their disgusted faces were priceless–imagine if I said:

“Oh, just some really good sex.”

funfunfun.

Instance Two: Another time, this guy went Tyson on me– biting my ear. And while there was no mark, scar, or bruise, I had ear pain for weeks. I couldn’t touch my earlobe without it feeling like a train was running over that side of my face.

Instance Three: My thighs also bruise very easily, and fortunately, those are easier to hide and explain–oh I ran into a desk– but one time, it was particularly bad.

The bite marks were so awful I looked like those girls you see in the The Exorcist films– getting bit by Satan or some demon. It was as if an alien or dog had attacked me. I couldn’t wear a skirt without it showing.

I bet when my roommate would catch a glimpse, she was convinced that someone had mistaken me for their dinner instead of their hook-up.

Joons, do you know the feeling? NO? Am I the only who likes it this rough? (I HIGHLY DOUBT IT)

I know she gets me…

Now that you all know about my fetish, here’s a little awkward story. and if you’re not cringing by the end, you really deserve a round of applause!

Growing up, I remember my mom having a lot of bruises. To the point that, I was worried she was sick or something. (Ohhhh sweet innocence)

I’d always ask “Mommy, what happened to your arm?” or “What is that on your neck Mom, ARE YOU OK?”

She’d always respond, “Oh eets noting, dont vorry, just ran into de computer desk”

As I grew up, I insisted more and more that she go get it checked out by a doctor, I mean I thought –what are these bruises in these random places? Does my mom have LEUKEMIA?–I looked up on the internet the reason for random bruising, and really freaked myself out.

And sometimes she’d really insist it was nothing, and sometimes she’d go along with it–“yes mommy joon, i should go to de doctor”

Obviously, she knew where the bruises were from. I was the only one left out of the loop (thank god). However, the awkwardness of this is not that my mom likes getting bitten (I’M REALLY GOING TO VOMIT NOW) its that I was so late to realize that was the case.

Even after years of being a vampire victim myself, I still didn’t connect the dots to my mom’s bruising pattern– I mean thats justifiable because my parents you-know-what life is not on my mind.

Only recently did I put it all together- after years of feeding the same excuses to people and hearing the same ‘worried’ questions– thats when I GOT IT.

RANDOM BRUISES + RANDOM EXCUSES = MOTHER’S BITING FETISH

and I really wish I hadn’t. because now, its just not the same.

I’m glad I wrote this post after my meal. Any awkward stories you’d like to share?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Bruised and Disgusted,

saaghi  ساقی
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