All-Star CockBlock

salaaam.

I’ve been so MIA. even though I apologized for it last week? I seem like those douchey guys I can’t get enough of …

Well, it hasn’t been all work and no play– that’s why there’s so much to catch you guys up on, like totally OMG! I had quite the weekend, but I need to collect my..uh..thoughts..before I post it all over the WWW.

tears of joy, i promise.

But a few weeks ago I had an epiphany– in the backseat of my car, high out of my mind with the only other PURRsian I can stand to get stoned with ;)

I am my own cockblock.

I am my own natural contraceptive, and I did not know this until the moment where I started really imagining what things looked like from the guy’s perspective– and of course, I could only do this if I was very high because my empathy usually only extends to women #sexism.

Maybe all of this will be “uh, duh!” for you all, but for me its kind of shocking:

1. You’re not Funny to someone who you have never met.

I never really hesitate to crack a joke, or a sarcastic remark– even if I have only met the guy for a few seconds. My logic isn’t “hide behind sarcasm”, its more– ooo there’s an opportunity, go for it! And I always assume people will get it, and even if they don’t…maybe they’ll find it endearing?

Nope.

image

Like when I tell a guy my voice sounds like a cow dying?  Hahaa?

My quick “seize the moment” reflex doesn’t always make sense to the other person and I realize now I can quickly go from “girl I’m trying to get to know” to “uh, girl just got weird on me”.

Jokes usually need context, or a little backstory. Especially via email, text, fbook– so much sarcasm and “wit” and “humor” gets lost in translation. [Read more...]

Single or Just Addicted to Meth?

Hi Joonies,

I have discovered the key to why most of us VERY ELIGIBLE, BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT women are still single (some on the verge of torshideh).

And I won’t charge you for imparting this wisdom. WHAT A DEAL, HUH?!

So, here’s a few reasons you’ve already HEARD:

I have to tease you, sorry

1. WOMEN WON’T SETTLE: According to an article I read in The Atlantic, IN THIS ECONOMY, women are gracefully reaching the top of the ladder, WHILE men hang at the bottom jobless, and uneducated. OKOKOK that’s an exaggeration…but as more and more women start making as much, or more than men, they start asking themselves: “why the fuck would I deal with YOUR bullshit?!

For every beautiful single woman, there’s three ridiculous, immature boys

2. LACK OF TIME: Same deal as #1, but all that time you spend in the library? or work? well, you’re def not dolling yourself up to go and meet a mate. ya know what i mean?

3. MEN HAVE LOST THEIR ‘MAN’: Ignore the OLD SPICE guy, finding a manly guy these days is SO HARD. They either want to talk about their feelings, or they’re just fucking lost. Yeah I’m gonna say it: WHAT HAPPENED TO CHIVALRY? what happened to forward men who PURSUED women? If you expect US to do the chasing, well…we’re gonna feel like the MAN in the relationship, and…then why the eff would we want you around?

NOW HERE’S WHAT YOU DON’T HEAR OFTEN ENOUGH:

YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. 

yeah, all those friends you’ve been counting on since high school to get you through heartbreak, have sex-talk with, the people you CONFIDE IN…THEY ARE THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE.

Does it look like there’s room for a man in there?

I’ll explain:

Back in the day, friendship was never over prioritized over a relationship. “Chicks before Dicks”? No. I dont think so.

Now, after all this Sex and the City and other pop culture references, we’ve come to see girlfriends as our main SUPPORT SYSTEM. We RELY on them to get us through hard times, stick up for us, and more importantly UNDERSTAND us.

We have BEST FRIENDS, we have FRENEMIES, we have our ONLY-GOOD-TO-PARTY-WITH FRIENDS, at the end of the day though– we have SO MANY girlfriends (all types and hierarchies) that we’re practically never ALONE enough to realize we want a man.

I’m not saying we need a man, but we complain we’re SINGLE all the time– no one appreciates us, no one commits to us, bla blabla….WELL TAKE A LOOK AROUND— your girlfriends are your crutch!

Where are you gonna fit a man into your life when you have to – work, study, get your nails done with Tina, gym with Nadia, and help Lily with her new boy crush?

It seems high school, but ladies take a look at your lives- WHAT PERCENTAGE IS TAKEN UP BY YOUR GIRLFRIENDS?

It’s like a meth addict wanting to get clean, while hanging at a meth lab. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Now let me illustrate:

I am your typical single girl:  I believe I am the greatest, most beautiful creature who deserves a prince, and I won’t settle, yet I still complain about why I can’t find anyone. And I have the GREATEST girlfriends.

My friends understand me in ways no man ever has. I am completely un-censored, SILLY, WEIRD, un-ladylike, potty-mouthed around them…and they love me JUST THAT WAY. (part of it’s because they have no choice) I am so comfortable around my friends, and that is the PROBLEM.

I feel no motivation to make a connection with guys to try to find ONE who will reach some level like that with me- because quite frankly, even your husband doesn’t wanna hear about your period cramps. Or you can’t share a batch of brownies with them at 2am FOR ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

Don’t get me wrong, when my friends fall into relationships- I seem to find a boy to replace my crutch, but we all seem to FALL back into the one RELATIONSHIP we have with each other.

So here’s the moral of the story, blessed with good girlfriends? Dump ‘em if you want a man. It’ll push you out of your comfort zone and MAKE you find someone.

But if you’re like me, you’ll stick with the meth ;).

BTW- have you ever noticed how those ‘RELATIONSHIP-TYPE GIRLS’ don’t have good Friends who are GIRLS?….SEE- I TOLD YOU.

Any other reasons you think are better than this one?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Your Welcome,

Saaghi  ساقی
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