The Wolf Trap

Hey joonies, 

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a guest post and what better way to kick off the eve of HUMP DAY than with a very special post from one of our readers.  This post combines all of our favorite things: social media, relationships, and doodool-talas.  Enjoy and drop her a line in the comments!

I think its the curse of being brown that most men especially your typical brown Pakistani men (I will talk about my own males because I am blessed with God gifted rights to railroad them) think that they can literally walk over you.

They can get to know you in the name of friendship, play with you, treat you like shit and when they are all done, their arrogant ass can throw you away.

Most of the time, they prefer that you will stick to them inspite of the emotional abuse that they are throwing at you (after all, you wouldnt be a faithful partner/girlfriend, if you didnt right?).

It’s hard-wired in their brains that all Paki chicks – especially the ones who live in the West, live independent lives, go to school, and have successful careers – are actually “whores.” [Read more...]

Yeah, She’s D for D.

ayy JOONAMS

Hope we made the early week a little more bearable  for you guys with a little humor on the tumbLOLr (tumble here).  As for myself, I’ve been putting this song on REPEAT…mourning over the fun/careless summer I never had #firstworldproblems #momoneymoproblems

hit play if you feel like your summer was unjustly cut short, too.

Do you know what’s great about speaking another language a.k.a Persian/Farsi?

The sh!t talking.

Yes, we’re all guilty of being mean in our mother tongue. It’s a privilege we use and abuse.

And its not just Iranians– anyone with the advantage of a second language can and does do it. I swear my nail lady is always talking smack about me in a voice that’s barely above a whisper.  However, for my friends and I- Farsi doesn’t cut it anymore.

In California: Talk Shit, Get Hit. Especially if its in Persian. The chance that someone in the room understands you is more than 50%, and the chance that you’re talking about a Persian is even higher.

So when all else fails, we use acronyms. And this was a long-winded introduction for our most meaningful one yet:

D for D = Desperate for D!CK [Read more...]

You are SO dumb, FO REAL!

:)

there’s only so many ways you can say hello, and I’m all out for today. & if you love ARAB $$ and SEXY like I do, this song’ll be a hit– summer in Morocco anyone?

and I couldn’t help but post another one for the people going out this weekend:

yeah I kinda gave into #bieberFEVER just a little.

So I’ve decided I have no HOSELEH (HOS for short–patience) for two things:

- ONLINE SHOPPING emails

- Ditzy MEN

One is because I’m broke, the other because I’m too intelligent.

I dont think its ok for girls to play it stupid, but when they actually are that dumb, I just forgive them– because I’m not trying to have sex with them. But for guys, its not that easy. As much as I know not EVERY hook up isn’t going to be an Einstein, I always thought it was safe to assume they have some sort of evolutionary-given common sense. Or could suppress their stupidity for at least the short period of time it takes to get it on.

Saaghi, you’re STUPID. Again.

My friends joke with me that I get with guys on a disability spectrum– from the physically handicapped to the mentally handicapped. I mean there was that one time with the blind guy– but come on! (JK–no one said I was PC on this blog)

But really, now its become a problem: before I’d wait til the next day or tilat least the hookup was over to tell my friends of the stupid sh!t they did, but now I find myself texting/laughing DURING the whole thing.

If I can’t wait to tell the world, it means you’re that ridiculous.   [Read more...]

Let Me Put Some Kush Up In It

VASUP, joons.

I’m actually writing to you from the comfort of my futon, in a bathrobe (even though I showered 2 hours ago), munching on whatever I can get my hands on. Its a lazy Monday– we all know real responsibilities start on TUESDAY.

And if your weekend wasn’t as great as mine (I set the bar pretty low, I assure you) then here’s a jam you can rock out to in your bathrobe or your ball gown:

I love Dragonette, and they will be at Coachella– and for all you Persian Princes and Princesses going this year, EFF YOU. HAVE A GREAT TIME.

ANYWAY. this post is mostly for the boyz.  Because I wanna hear what they have to say about the issue:

Girls and Weed.

Trashy or Hot? Does it need a label?

I never really smoked that much in high school– probably a handful of times. I preferred de alcoholism. One reason was because weed seemed to be a guy thing. I didn’t know many girls that  bought their own MJ, or had their own bongs or pipes.

This actually led me to believe that girls who smoked pot were either classless trash, or hippie vegans.

[Read more...]

Who is OMID J.?

Hey joonies,

In honor of our “non-Racism” week, we thought it might be cool to hear from someone OTHER than Farrah and Saaghi for once.  Meet Omidjooon.  He’s not just a fan of making silly videos– he’s got some CALI #SWAG too.  

About a week ago, a police investigator came to my parents house looking for me. I was not home so he left his card with my parents. He then went to my neighbors home, showed them a picture of me, and asked if I lived next door. Obviously, they said yes.

I was the suspect in a shooting.

Except what I was shooting was a picture and the weapon was my iPhone.

Turns out on December 12th, someone saw me take a picture of the Police Station in Downtown.  They took down my license plates and called the police. The police ran the plates and found that the car belonged to the one and only Omid Joon.

[Read more...]

One time, at Frat Camp….

JOONS!

The day has arrived: SHAHS OF SUNSET is premiering! Share your thoughts on the show with us (FBOOK OR SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM)

Probs the best looking on the show.

As for me, I’m on a workout binge, so I’ve been uncharacteristically cheerful lately. I’m waiting for that one craving to kick in, that will have me abandon the gym for the pastry shop/CHIPS aisle. #waitforit

I realize I’ve been more FESSENJOON on this blog, then SEX — if you know what I mean. & its time for a HOOK UP STORY, Saaghi Style. Well, this is more of a HOOKUP FAIL.

As a freshman in college, and as someone who had just moved away from home for the first time, I transformed from a level-headed prioritizing good girl to an insane psychotic party animal.

By the time my first year had come to an end, I had been arrested, I had skinnydipped while crying my eyes out, and I had put the ultimate smackdown on a few people.

[Read more...]

Independence is Not a Crime

Hihihihi jooooooooons,

HAPPY FRIDAY!  Finally, a three-day weekend.  Its been too long.  I’ve had an especially shitty week.  On top of work (ugh), I had to deal with post-relationship distress.

You see, not too long ago, my boyfriend dumped my ass because I got a job before him.  I mean, I get it… to an extent.  Here I am, new in town, and I pull a job at one of the most prominent companies in the U.S. My dream job. He has his Master’s degree… and has been looking for a job for almost two years, with NO lead in sight.  Its dumb luck really (or I’m just that great).

ANYWAY, when he breaks up with me, he says he doesn’t want to be with anyone until he can get his professional shit together.  Okay, I accept.

Last night, he says he’s dating someone new.  STILL NO JOB IN HAND.  What does she do?

She went to his high school in some butthole town in a random ass state, and is now a Kindergarten teacher.

I have nothing against teachers, because where I would be without them? Oh yeah, on the streets.  But here is my problem:

He picked someone that would never be his competition.  She will always be his subordinate, he will always be higher than her even if he has a hard time finding a job- she ain’t got shit on him.

CLASSY.

Deal with it

But me?  I’m different– I’m not like that.  I will never put a man before my professional career and that’s just how I was raised.  Was I supposed to turn the job down because he might break up with me? NO.

Here is the deal:  if you’re really a MAN, then no matter what life throws your way- you should be able to handle it.  Even if your girlfriend or wife does better than you professionally.  Screw this bullshit stereotype that teaches us that MEN have to be the successful ones.

Even on TV, you watch these lame ass shows about women who are the top dogs at their company yet they’re always alone. And for some reason, they’re always depicted as unhappy.  

Why?

Men are taught to be chauvinistic pigs.

They learn early in life that if they can’t be the breadwinner then something is WRONG with them.  And if women are killing it in their careers, then they’re a heartless bitch.

 It is NOT our job to be submissive… it is NOT our job to be VIRGINS, it is our destiny to improve. This stigma that we have to be less than our men is the age old story, and I am fucking tired of it.

Now that we have it we’re a lost cause?

Its time for a new story.

I’m tired of hearing about how couples like “Seal and Heidi Klum” got divorced because she was doing better in her career than him.  Or that Oprah isn’t married because she’s just “too successful“– when in reality: MAYBE SHE JUST SUCKS IN BED!  I’m tired of hearing that if I choose to excel at my job, then I might never have a family.

But most of all, I’m tired of the fear.

Do I have to be in a stagnant position just to ensure that my personal life is successful?

How does that make any sense? 

ESPECIALLY as Persian women, we are automatically supposed to know how to cook, sew and be child raising  professionals.  On top of that, we are expected to remain sexually inexperienced.  Why?  Well that’s what womanhood is right?  Its “CUTE” to be a virgin.  Guys like that.

Guys want us to be innocent with no job in hand and an untouched hole. What a bunch of gender bias bullshit.

May not be parallel, but they intersect

Dear ALL MEN (especially Persian men),

If you want to be THE MAN, the sexy, confident, successful man that we all want at our side, then you should be happy for your woman… don’t overcompensate by choosing someone below you.  Be with someone who challenges you, motivates you.  Its the twenty-first fucking century- it ain’t 1945, so stop acting like a douche.

And women:  Excel.  Be motivated. Don’t just be good at your job, be great at it.  Its a new time- as women, we are all standing up and fighting for our place.  Even women in Iran are fighting to make a difference– women in Iran attend University at a higher rate than men do.  It was the women of Iran who first organized the Green Movement and motivated the people to go to the streets to FIGHT for what they believe in.

#wisdom

So ex boyfriend, I’ll leave you with this– I hope you marry Miss Kindergarten, really I do.  She’s MY subordinate, and you really don’t deserve to be with anyone at my level. sorryboutit.

Its time to stop being a little bitch.

MAN THE FUCK UP PEOPLE.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

Love,

FARRAH فرح

I Don’t Give a F#ck About Your Sadness

Hey joonie joons,

Have you ever been on a date with a guy who just talks… and talks… and talks… and an hour drags by, and not only have you COMPLETELY lost your appetite (which isn’t normal for you) but he probably hasn’t asked a single question about YOU.

You just kinda sit there looking bored as fuck yet… he still doesn’t get the hint AND KEEPS ON YAPPING about who the fuck knows what– all you hear is “Yeah I’m awesome… bla … bla… please take this stick out of my ass,” when really he’s probably saying something more like, “Yeah I’m awesome… because this one time at band camp…”

Can I switch my date to the guy sitting over there?

What is it with guys these days?  They either call you because they want to tell you about all the great things going on in their lives… or they hang out with you because they just like to hear themselves talk.  Self absorbed with a side of cocky?  YEP.  Excuse my bluntness: but… I’m annoyed.  

*disclaimer: I am fully aware that not every guy is like this.

um I’m about to shoot myself in the face now, thanks

Remember those days when guys used to complain that women talk for hours on end and only text them when we need something?  OVER.

I have a theory:

 As women start to become successful, men feel the need to overcompensate.

Case in Point:

My last boyfriend was a great guy- on the outside.  He had his Master’s degree (in something unusual), we had the same interests, and his Farsi was great (is it just me or is that really hot).  Then one day, I started noticing that he would change the subject when I would mention something exciting that happened to me.  I didn’t brag… I was just excited to share it with someone that I cared about, and thought the feeling was mutual.

Then BAM out of the blue, he broke up with me the night before I started my first grown-up job.  Why?  Because I got a job before he did.  (GROSS)

Now, as we try to be friends, he only contacts me when he wants to say something about himself.

For example: “I did this today!” or “I got this opportunity today!” ME… ME… ME… Umm hi, I’m a person too- thanks for remembering.

In order  for a friendship to work- BOTH people must be engaged- you want to share your stories… and you should ask to hear theirs, no matter how insignificant it is to you.

In order for a relationship to work, BOTH people must support each other- no matter what punches life throws your way.

No one wants to deal with a guy who is going to act like this:

… AAAND I’m over it

Talk about the ultimate turn-OFF.

I understand that need –> the need to prove you’re not a total fuck up.  But keep the sharing to a minimum.  Just like guys, girls like a little mystery too.  Plus, we can usually tell within the first 10 seconds of talking to you whether you’re really a fuck-up or just having a difficult time.

The more you seem interested in us, the more we will be interested in you.  

Only people like Snooki believe this… DON’T be a Snooki

Joonies: take it from someone who learned the hard way– don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t secure enough to handle your successes.  At the end of the day, it will feel so much better when you find someone that does.

Its kinda like the song: You’re so vain.  You probably think this “post” is about you, don’t you? 

Sorry but, not everything is about YOU so do us a favor, and GET OVER YOURSELF. 

Disagree?  Am I the one that needs to get over myself or do I just suck at picking the “right” guys

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US 

Always keepin’ it real,

FARRAH فراه


Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart

Hello my dear Joonies,

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are completely stuffed with Turkey and Ghormeh Sabzi stuffing (because let’s be real, a Persian Thanksgiving always includes… rice or kabob or some type of khoresht).

Is that FESSENJOON I see in the top right corner?

Anyway, not to put a HUGE damper on the festivities, but I decided this might be the perfect time to bring up a topic we all love to talk about… but hate in action: THE BREAK-UP.  We’ve all been there- whether we have been the dumper or dumpee. I will admit, I’ve dumped numerous guys without even thinking once about how it made them feel… until it happened to me.  I’ve seen it all: guy cheated, lost interest, lives went in separate directions, etc. And then there is the grieving period where we drown ourselves with ice cream (or in my case- pizza) and cry ourselves to sleep, wishing that things were different.

There’s no easy way to say this: being broken-hearted fucking sucks. What’s the point of starting a relationship with someone if its just going to end up with you being the one to get hurt?  That’s what I used to always think and I always tried to stay away from it- whether it was in college or even after when I started meaningless 2 month relationships just to end it once I got “annoyed.”  But recently, I was hit with this realization: It might hurt throughout your entire body when your heart gets broken, but sometimes its necessary to let go of things that we cling to so dearly to make room for something better.  Everything happens for a reason.  He may have seemed perfect then, but if he can’t handle you getting a new job, or throwing plates at his head every once in awhile, then he’s just not meant for you- know what I’m sayin’? So for all your joonies out there crying over some douchebag who just can’t appreciate how wonderful you are, dry those tears- because I promise you there is someone better. And if you’re still high off the breakup and feel the need to bash him for his piece of shit attitude, then feel free to tell us ALL about it: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

D-bags don’t deserve a chance with our hearts

One contributor recently shared her story with us.  After being dumped by someone she thought she would be with forever, she decided to write her feelings (instead of egging his house) and her letter to the asshat is printed below for our lovely “Douche of the Week” series.  Read it, sympathize, and know that you’re NOT the only one out there going through some type of pain caused by a worthless guy you’re better off without anyway.

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

XOXO,

Farrah  فراه

Dear XY,

I don’t even know where to begin.  There are so many things I want to say that I could never say to your face and for the sake of my sanity, I just need to get it out.  I don’t know where things went wrong.  Everything felt so perfect.  I was so happy and I was so sure that you were too.  Maybe I was just blinded.  Maybe I never really knew you like I thought I did.  I have to admit, there were times where I felt something was off, deep down I knew something was wrong- but I always justified it with some worthless excuse.  

You promised me that you were in this for the long run and that you truly cared about me.  You introduced me to your family and took such a seemingly serious interest to learn about mine.  I felt comfortable to let my guard down and for the first time in my entire life, be completely vulnerable with the guy I was with.  You made me feel safe and insisted that I could depend on you.  Why would you do that if you were just planning on leaving me in the end?  

Even after months of being together, I still got butterflies in my stomach every time I was about to see you.  Did you not feel the same way?  What did I do wrong?  For the first time in my entire life, I feel like one of the girls I always look down at.  One of those girls who just commits their heart to someone irrationally… I was thinking with my heart, not my brain.  

I am so mad at you.  So mad at you for putting me in this situation.  So mad at you for convincing me that you were for real.  But most of all, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that your jealousy and competitiveness got in the way of a wonderful relationship.  No matter what you think, we weren’t just good on paper- we were great in execution and it was your selfishness that got in the way.  You’re a coward and after months of blindly falling for you, I can finally see that now.  People say that everyone gets their heart broken at one point in their lives, and I guess now its my turn.  Despite the pain I feel now, I know that one day, I will get over this.  But I hope that you look back and utterly regret the decision you made.  And when that day comes, I can assure you: I will no longer be there hoping that we can work things out.

Sincerely,

XX 

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