Say Hello to My Little Friend

Hola Joonies,

One of the main reasons why I try to avoid getting into some personal ish on this blog, is because my stories are more embarassing than funny. You know those memories you recall, even two years later, that still make you cringe and blush?

Yaa I got plenty of those, YOLO.

Today, we’re going to talk about my vibrator.

And how he found his way into my life, and came to be my best friend (jk…?). I know Farrah advocated “Practice Makes Perfect” but for me its not practice anymore, FUCK THAT, its how I deal with not getting any– for a while– and not putting out too quickly. Yeah, I said it– women are like men (clearly if you couldn’t tell from S&F): if men think about sex every 6 seconds, women do every 10 seconds.

A lot of girls dont want to admit how sexual they are, or they havent even realized they are yet- but when they do, it becomes a little tricky. They start dealing with something called a nun-slut complex: you don’t know whether to let the ‘Nun’ in you rule ruthlessly, as it usually does, or let the ‘slut’ run wild.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

ANYWAY, back to my friend. I was always one of those girls that thought masturbation was weird/gross/unnecessary. I, naively, did not even think many girls did it…until I got to college.  When I found out the girls in my sorority, that I never thought in a million years would be down with that, actually were…I was fascinated. I still didn’t buy into it initially, but I would hear my best friend’s stories, ‘how it relieved her stress’, how fantasizing was more fulfilling, etc…and I’d think: what would happen if I tried?

After getting an earful for a year, my curiosity peaked…while I was in Iran.

One summer, staying at my grandparents’ house in Tehran, I found myself always alone, bored, and hot.

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Practice Makes Perfect

Hey joonie joons,

Shit’s about to get real dirty in a second.

But first, let me ask you this:  Ever been with a guy… and he’s going to town down there… but nothing is happening? He’s just not getting the right spot, you’re getting kinda bored- kiiinda wishing the TV was on so you could at least be entertained as he attempts to get you off.

And what sucks even more is that you don’t know what kind of direction to give him before you dry up and get over it.  Well I’m here to tell you this:

It’s okay.  There’s a solution to everything.

No need to hit it and quit it (all the time)

SOLUTION TO BAD SEX?! IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? Yes.

MASTURBATING.

I think my grandmother just turned in her grave.  Oops.

Its simple really.  No guy is going to be able to get you off if you don’t even know how to get YOURSELF off.  And here’s why.  Every girl is different.  Yes we all have the same anatomy, but we like different things.  Some girls like it when guys jack hammer them (frat boy style)… some girls just like it rough (Saaghi style)… and some love that sweet, sensual love making they only get once a month from their husbands (if they’re lucky).  But it all comes down to this:

Everyone needs direction.  Guys give us direction when we go down on them, so you can only expect that they’re going to need the same amount of help, IF NOT MORE, when they’re trying to please YOU.

Show me the way

My first time getting off was pretty unexpected.  I was a junior in high school (don’t be jealous), and my boyfriend and I were making out… among other things… when suddenly, it started to feel kinda different down there.  I’m not really sure what he was doing but, I didn’t know if I should say “Stop that feels weird,” or “Yeah baby, keep going.”

OBVIOUSLY, I decided to just keep my mouth shut and then the waterfall hit.  And it felt fucking great… but COMPLETELY unexpected and I kinda freaked out.  So I snapped out of it within 10 seconds.

That was stupid.

How the fuck am I going to sleep now

You should be experienced enough to know what is going on down there- ESPECIALLY when you’re about to get hit hard (with an orgasm)… otherwise the whole hook-up is pretty anti-climactic (pun intended).

No one wants to scare their orgasm away.

(like I did)

And by experienced, I don’t mean that you should hook up with an endless reel of guys- that’s just trashy- we’re Persian– we don’t do trashy.

The secret to a great orgasm is masturbating.  If you expect a man to be able to get it right, then you better be able to SHOW them how.  And unlike what most of our mothers say, masturbating is not disgusting, nor is it a sin.   

Even more motivation

It was after my fateful orgasm surprise that I realized it was time to poke around down there.  And it took awhile before I got it.  Plus, living in a Persian household doesn’t often leave room for much privacy.  Thank god for showers… (if you catch my drift).  But after my orgasm slip-up, no one was able to give me another orgasm until COLLEGE.  And even then- I had to give direction.

NEWS FLASH: GUYS LIKE DIRECTION… BECAUSE THEY NEED IT.

Now, before you freak out about the idea of using a VIBRATOR- just know there are always other options.  I get it- you don’t want to stick something in that is… fake…. “might break your hymen,” or simply: just loosen you up.  Take it from someone who’s never used a vibrator before (only because the one I ordered didn’t work… jk). But also keep in mind, you don’t exactly have to stick it IN for it to get the job done.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Ever heard of a shower head?  Just turn the faucet on and lay the fuck down.  But once you hit that point of ecstasy, its time to learn how to do it yourself because you kinda need to before you can expect to give any good directions.  You can’t exactly tell a guy to turn on the water.

Trust me, there have been times where the guy spent an hour down there and ALL I wanted was a fucking newspaper to help pass the time.  That’s never enjoyable… for either person.

So Persian or not,

masturbating is natural, its not gross or shameful.

 We’re sexual beings.  We’re going to get cravings, and when we’re single, I’m going to go ahead and say its better to get yourself off than have a different guy in your bed every night.  Not cute.

ONE MORE THING:

Orgasms are for everyone.  Just because you’ve never had one before DOESN’T mean you never will.

Like my Irooni mother always says, “PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.” Even though I’m pretty sure she was referring to piano… rather than getting myself off.  Who knew her advice could be so versatile?

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US 

Here’s to personal hygiene,

FARRAH فرح

Orgasm Much?

Hey joonies, hope you all had a wonderful weekend.  We wanted to start this week off with a special post by our new, infamous contributor… JAMES BOND:

.I wanted to start this post off by telling you the Wikipedia definition of sex:  “Sex is a process of combining and mixing genetic traits, often resulting in the specialization of organisms into a male or female variety.”  I’m just going to keep it real:

the point of having sex is to orgasm

(which is the most beautiful and amazingly pleasurable feeling in the world.  And if you can’t relate to this, then that really sucks for you).

Now let me tell you the Iranian girl’s definition of sex: “SEX is holy like the Bible/Quran. SEX is an insurance policy: it protects your relationship (for some time).” So basically these girls think that as long as you have the insurance policy (sex), you will have a MAN in your miserable life.  Of course, until SHIT HITS THE FAN, and even then- the “sex insurance policy” will not keep him from leaving your psycho ass.

I love Persian girls. They are the most beautiful CREATURES in the world.  You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. Iranian girls are the most complicated, complex, convoluted, puzzling females species to walk this planet. I guess girls in general fit this profile, but when it comes to sex specifically, Iranian girls are the most complicated/puzzling.

For your benefit, I have categorized them into 3 types based on a low to high percentage:

1) First we have the Bronze Category or 3rd place (which in my opinion doesn’t cover a high percentage of Iranian girls, but unfortunately they do exist).  GET READY, DRUM ROLL, and ACTION:

They are saving their vaginas for marriage.

innocent little virgins.

Ok… “WHAT the FUCKKKKK?!!”  I have never understood these type of girls and unfortunately, I do know a few of them so you know I am not talking out of my ASS/KOOON. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what goes on in their head.  I would like to say a CRAPPP-LOAD of nonsense.  Look, by the time you are married, lets say you are in your late 20s and you’ve been waiting your whole life to have sex.  By the time you are actually going to enjoy it and not feel the virgin penis pain, GOD knows where your relationship stands.

I believe that a happy, healthy and comforting relationship has a lot to do with GOOD sex- I’m going to say… at least 40% of your relationship relies on sex.   Therefore, when you are so desperate for marriage and don’t have any sexual experience then chances are… before your sex life finally gets good (or at least up to par and calm down women, I ain’t talkin’ like pornstar sex), your relationship is probably going to be miserable, unhappy, sad, sorrowful, and a bit depressing (no one wants to fuck a girl who just sits on top of you looking scared). So yes, this is the first group Iranian girls.  Don’t worry guys, they only cover less than 10% of the Iranian girl population (thank fucking God).

2) Next is my favorite group of Iranian girls (or girls in general): the SILVER Category or 2nd place.

These girls LOVE and ENJOY every minute of sexual intercourse

she knows what she wants.

INCLUDING (but not limited to): ORGASMS/EJACULATION, HOT SEX, blow jobs, 69, DAWWGGYYY STYLE (not trying to be too graphic, but I just needed to make my point). They aren’t saving their prideful virginity for marriage or some other type of “fairytale” miracle.  They have sex to orgasm because they know how fucking awesome it is.  I really don’t need to elaborate much with this category- its pretty self-explanatory and fabulous.  They are out there… but unfortunately, I’d say its only another 10% of the Iranian female population that belongs to this category.

3) DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. and now I’ll let Bruce Buffer will do the honor: “Last but not least is the GOLD Category or 1st place.  Now the “Gold” girls are the most interesting, fascinating and complex species out of all the Iranian girl categories.  I get excited when I talk about this particular group of Irooni girls.

They are insecure and very desperate for a relationship.

THESE are the girls who view sex as an “insurance policy…” to keep them in the relationship.

Please stay with me.

How SAD and MISERABLE!  And sadly, a high percentage of the female species belong to this group, but today I’m only covering the Iranian portion of it. Personally, I consider myself a GIVER, which basically means that I’m all about giving pleasure (not to anyone)  So when you are having sex JUST to “insure” your relationship- this means that the LAST thing you are thinking about is having an orgasm.  All you are focusing on is keeping your man.  This is the most disgusting/unheard thing I’ve ever seen girls do.  YES, I AM BITTER AND DISGUSTED because the only reason anyone should ever engage in 69’ing or DAAAWWGYYY style (minus the view) is to have a fucking orgasm.

Don’t just do it to make sure your boyfriend sticks around– just because you haven’t had an orgasm doesn’t mean you can’t.  It just means you haven’t figured out the right position, or the right move.  And yes “JOONIES”– a guy canNOT give you an orgasm until you know how it has to be done FOR YOU… we all need a little guidance here and there.

I get it.  I know you want to make sure you get MARRIED at the right age …. or whatever else excuse you have for sticking with your sex-confused partner… but

YOU ARE SO DESPERATE TO BE WITH A POTENTIAL HUSBAND THAT YOU SACRIFICING AN ORGASM AND AN ULTIMATELY HAPPY/HONEST RELATIONSHIP.

This is absolutely the most repulsive category and unfortunately, it comprises about 80% of our Persian girl population.

Lastly, Iranian girls, I’m going to leave you with a few words of #wisdom: having an orgasm is amazing, its the peak pleasure of sex, its like an explosion inside your body.  It feels great and yeah, it might take awhile till you get there- but once you do… it feels like you have absolutely no control of your body for that one moment (but in a good way).

And EVEN BETTER:  it cures things like tension, stress, and acne- THAT’S RIGHT! 

So please, get out of your miserable none orgasmic relationship and have ENJOYABLE sex- WITH orgasms.  Experience the most amazing feeling in the WORLD.  And for God’s sake, at least accept the fact that BLOW JOBS or GETTING EATEN OUT is not “gross.”  Honestly, its like the appetizer to the main course: the ORGASM.

Trust me it will help you reach the peak pleasure of SEX quicker.

Disagree?  Do you REALLY think its worth being in an “orgasm-less” relationship?  TELL ME WHY:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Later bitches,

James Bond جیمز باند
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