But You’re Like Really Deep.

JOONZ

do you know I’ve never spelled it that way?

I’ve been feeling uninspired lately. My life’s gone from 150mph to a slow turtle’s pace. (oK , I’m done with the pity party I swear)– and so I have..different material to work with–what that means for you guys is blog posts that are less sex, more JOON.

because I even forgot to bring my little friend to my new place.  (Let’s see how long I can hold out on this one.

Just so we’re clear. This post isn’t an ODE to mY loneliness POST, and  this post is NOT about me hating on Persian men– which is code for: DONE BEING SINGLE, SWOOP ME UP DOODOOL TALA!   just keeding.

its about depth. and depth-y people (I just created that adjective).

& Just to set the mood, I feel deep when I listen to this song:

SO wtf do we mean, when we say someone’s “really deep”?

Does it mean they’re spiritual? They recite cryptic poetry? Or that they’ve been through a lot of crazy sh!t in their life?

And how do you measure this “Depth”? cause clearly, humans aren’t actual swimming pools.

Although I wish people would have some sort of obvious marker for safety purposes– like “7 feet”, “5 1/2 feet”, “WADING POOL”.

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Porn is the Gateway to Persian Madness

Hi JOONAMS,

Hope everyone had a great fourth of July- and if your family is anything like mine, there was probably some fessenjoon involved or in our specific case- CHICKEN KABOB.  #I’mafattie   

I decided to take a vacation this week and come out to the WEST COAST (best coast) to visit the family… and as always, whenever I come to visit…

I am filled with guilt, stress and nostalgia– the Persian formula for family time.

My mom loves this quote (secretly)

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I Don’t Do You #Sorry

Hey joonie joons,

HAPPY FRIDAY YO! This is seriously my favorite day of the week. You leave work KNOWING that you have two full days to chill out … work is always kinda uneventful on Fridays… nodramaFridays. Love them.

Anyway, I’ve been a little MIA this week because major writer’s block lately. This is the problem when you’ve sworn off every man in the city because they are all master douches. But most importantly, I am having a hard time remembering all the crazy shit I used to do- denial much? I think so.

They’re called “shitshows” for a reason—because you do everything in your power to black them out of your memory.   [Read more...]

Who is OMID J.?

Hey joonies,

In honor of our “non-Racism” week, we thought it might be cool to hear from someone OTHER than Farrah and Saaghi for once.  Meet Omidjooon.  He’s not just a fan of making silly videos– he’s got some CALI #SWAG too.  

About a week ago, a police investigator came to my parents house looking for me. I was not home so he left his card with my parents. He then went to my neighbors home, showed them a picture of me, and asked if I lived next door. Obviously, they said yes.

I was the suspect in a shooting.

Except what I was shooting was a picture and the weapon was my iPhone.

Turns out on December 12th, someone saw me take a picture of the Police Station in Downtown.  They took down my license plates and called the police. The police ran the plates and found that the car belonged to the one and only Omid Joon.

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ALL I DO IS LIN.

Joons,

My new obsession: SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA- GREYHOUND. Even if you’re not a clubhead, you have to admit the beat is sick,brah. I think I could eat fessenjoon or have sex to this song, (or run a marathon) and thats why its S&F worthy.

You can listen to it in the new ABSOLUT commercial, thats part TRON/part ALICE IN WONDERLAND.

Now we’re not gonna say its RACISM week, like they try to call out BLACK HISTORY MONTH & INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY…but I think Farrah brought about how us Iranians can be the victims of some very nasty profiling ….

but lets talk about how us Iranians can be some nasty racists, now I realize thats a loaded term, but lets be real– we can get pretty bad.

Sometimes I think we worship our “blood” as if we were tracing it back to GOLD. The ARYAN thing was dispelled a few months ago, and clearly, our oppressive theocracy should humble our superiority complex–no?

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One time, at Frat Camp….

JOONS!

The day has arrived: SHAHS OF SUNSET is premiering! Share your thoughts on the show with us (FBOOK OR SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM)

Probs the best looking on the show.

As for me, I’m on a workout binge, so I’ve been uncharacteristically cheerful lately. I’m waiting for that one craving to kick in, that will have me abandon the gym for the pastry shop/CHIPS aisle. #waitforit

I realize I’ve been more FESSENJOON on this blog, then SEX — if you know what I mean. & its time for a HOOK UP STORY, Saaghi Style. Well, this is more of a HOOKUP FAIL.

As a freshman in college, and as someone who had just moved away from home for the first time, I transformed from a level-headed prioritizing good girl to an insane psychotic party animal.

By the time my first year had come to an end, I had been arrested, I had skinnydipped while crying my eyes out, and I had put the ultimate smackdown on a few people.

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Bitch, Back Down

Hey joooonie joons,

Happy Hump Day! Is it Friday yet?

I had a typical Persian kid’s childhood.  I went to mehmooni’s with my parents every weekend because not going was NEVER an option.  My friends were the kids of my parent’s friends.  And unfortunately, for me– I was the only girl in my age group.  The next girl to be born was nine years later. #buzzkill

I even looked like a boy

Even though, I was surrounded by boys growing up, I was never athletic, or liked games like Battleship (who understands that game anyway) or enjoyed watching sports- I still mix up baseball teams with football. I think deep down, my parents always wanted a boy because they forced the mushroom/bowl-like haircut on me and made me wear those long “capri,” ghetto shorts for years. 

THANKS MOM- this is what I had in 7th grade

But unlike, those attention-whores (AW’S), I really longed for someone to play Barbies with.  I could only convince those Persian boys to play “Pretty Pretty Princess” for so long.  And pretty soon, they caught up to my tricks and stopped listening to me for game ideas (deep down, I’m pretty sure they LOVED it).

Fast forward to high school- I was finally old enough to say “NO” to the Persian parties I didn’t want to go to (couldn’t avoid them all) and what was even more exciting, I made GIRLFRIENDS.

I didn’t have to be the awkward little girl trailing behind the pack of Persian boys lost in their game of “Capture the Ball,” I finally had sleepovers and listened to hours of Britney Spears with my girlfriends (none of whom were Persian).

GIRLS NIGHT IN

I loved my girlfriends in high school.  I confided in them about everything… from my parent’s divorce to my first blow job.  Until my senior year when I found out that the girl I was closest to had a big fat mouth. [Read more...]

Daddy Joon, Come Plant Flowers With Me.

Hi Joonies,

I’m rather ill but nothing makes me feel better than writing for you Joonjoons…maybe Vitamin C packets, but thats OK.

Who else is fcking STOKED for NO-ROOZ? New Year? NOWROUZ? however you spell it…ITS COMING, HOLLER! It’s PAY-DAY, bitches, and I’m going shopping (OBVI ADDICTED). Spring Cleaning, Son-bols (Hyacinths), and a dish of weed that I explain to my white friends as magical grass. I love this time of year.

But that’s not what this post is about. Sorry.

Remember all the posts I wrote about my parents, and how they kind-of tortured my existence? Well, there’s definitely more to explore there, but I want to tell you about the phase after the teenage rebel/IwanttoRUNAWAY chapter. I know some of you reading are living at home, and cant wait to MOVE OUT. Don’t worry, I know the routine (some may apply more to guys and/or girls)

You know you’re persian and live at home when… [Read more...]

Single Persian Female, Addicted to Retail

JOONJOONs.

For anyone who wants to debate the greatness of early KANYE, I have three words for you: the college dropout.

This post is based on my favorite Kanye song, because it mirrors my life so well— “sophomore, three years, aint picked a career.” Except I don’t have a baby daddy.

But I do have a shopping problem.

I know what you’re thinking– doesn’t every little persian princess who gets their bills paid by daddy have this problem? And is it really a problem?

Yes, in fact, no matter who pays for it, shopaholism is a serious problem.

(I may have made that word up)

Do you understand that I can’t see my rug because clothes cover the floor? (coughHOARDERcough)

Did you know that most of those clothes still have tags on them?

Don’t lie, we all wanted her closet…

Imagine the nightmare of living with me.

I really would rather kick my boyfriend/fiance/husband out of my house than sacrifice some of my wardrobe space.

Now, that’s a problem.

So I mentioned before how I hate fashionistas, and blog-following trendy groupies– and I really do. I don’t buy clothes because they’re in style. Let me explain to you how my addiction works:

1. Say Yes to the Dress: I will never, ever say NO to a bargain. Even when I couldn’t possibly find a use for it in the near future. I own SO many designer dresses that if I attended WEDDINGS twice a year for the next ten years, I still wouldn’t run out. These are not dresses I can wear to the club, or even the fanciest MEHMOONI (family party).

So Sorry Alexander Wang and Zac Posen, you’re just gonna have to gather dust (but you looked so pretty when I bought you!)

2. These Will Be The Best Memories: I have an emotional connection with my clothes, (and with food– PATHETIC I KNOW). But with clothes, I associate memories. I cannot, as hard as I try, throw my clothes away because I think ‘oh I remember wearing that on my first day of High School’…or ‘oh I lost my virginity in that’…or ‘I got really trashed and ripped that- HAHA”…

Does anyone else have affection for their clothing? Or am I trying to fill the emptiness of my soul?

This is the main reason why I’m a hoarder of clothing.

3. Creativity that Costs $$$: I like to blame my creativity for my shopping problem (Denial much?)…but in all seriousness, when I go shopping, I often get ideas for outfits– oh a MULTICOLORED CAPE?  BUSTIER TOP?! VELCRO SKIRT? FRINGE BRAS? I often go off the deep end. Recently I wanted to buy a blue fur jacket (Stop laughing) and my friend told me that unless I wanted to be mistaken for the COOKIE MONSTER, I shouldn’t buy it. And lets be real, the cookie monster is fat, so no thanks.

(I already eat like him)

My friends think I dress for Halloween everyday, but I really just can’t help myself. Life is like a huge art project for me, and clothing is my paper mache.

So those three reasons sum up why I shop, why my place is filled with clothes (old and new), and why I just can’t seem to get it out of my system. Now I’m not saying its a good thing- I’ve recently tried cutting myself off, cold turkey. No ONLINE SHOPPING. No BARGAINS (oooooo its hard). And throwing away things with the help of my mother who TEARS it out of my hand as I crawl after it.

And it feels good. It feels good to have an emptier room, and it feels liberating to have more money in the bank.

And lets break this gender bias that GIRLS are the only ones shopping up a storm– when I’m on the battlefield, aka a retail store, theres about just as many dudes- and they’re not always shopping for their woman…

So here’s to the road of RECOVERY!

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Love you Like I love my clothes,

saaghi  ساقی

AMIR K: SWAG & STUBBLE

AMIR KAMYAB: Comedian. Actor. Writer.

The SEXIEST Iranian Comedian around.

Why is he so sexy?  Let us count the ways:

Do we really have to point out the obvious?  Look. At. His. Picture. Its pretty obvious why we are so obsessed.

Enough said

Amir K. isn’t your typical struggling artist.  Not only is he educated, but did we mention how TALENTED he is?  Plus, Farrah has a fattie crush on him, so how can we NOT call attention to our favorite clown?

Most importantly, he’s out there breaking stereotypes everyday through laughter.  Screw Farrah’s psycho ass, we love Amir K., not just because he’s damn good at accents, but he brings all different types of people together through his passion: his jokes.

The S&F team caught up with Amir K. to find out if he ever had a hard time gaining acceptance from his Persian dad when he decided he wanted to become a comedian (in reality, we just wanted to learn the ways to win over his heart).  

- Where are you originally from?

I was born in Tehran, Iran and came out to Southern California at the age of three.  I pretty much grew up there and went to high school in Villa Park, and UCLA for college.

(SWOON). 

After college, I bought a place in Huntington Beach and did real estate for awhile.  I ended up eventually moving back to LA and started to follow my dreams, which is stand-up comedy.

- Was it a difficult transition for you when you moved to California from Iran? 

I was so young that I didn’t really have a hard time.  But, my mom couldn’t speak English when we first came here, so we all had to go through it together.  The adapting was much easier because I was so young, it would have been much harder to adjust if I had come as a teen.  But at the age that I moved to the U.S., its easier to learn new languages.  I can speak Spanish too, so I’m really glad that it happened at that time of my life.

- How did you deal with the cultural conflict of being Iranian and American? 

My experience growing up was not typical.  We didn’t live in a neighborhood with too many Iranian people.  The Iranian culture I knew came from my grandparents when they would come to visit from Iran, and from my parents. My family was never the super super overwhelming Iranian type.  We celebrate a little bit of everything.  At Thanksgiving, we have turkey and Persian food.  We celebrate Christmas too, and eat Persian food and ham.  I love it.

I didn’t really have too many Persian friends growing up.  In my high school, there were probably three Persian kids and I was two of them.

- Were you ever “hated on” for being an Iranian? 

Even if I don’t have a beard, I always have a little stubble…

(Did we mention we love that?) 

… and when I’m in places like Arizona or Montana, some people automatically think that I’m some Muslim guy just based on the way I look.  Sometimes I’ll play an Iranian character for one of my jokes and its so funny to see how people to respond to that.  Even in places like Vegas where so many people from Middle America come to visit, you see these “red-necky” people in the audience and they automatically think I’m the Muslim guy I’m playing.

It’s so easy to get people to preconceive something about you, especially if you speak or look a certain way.  

Its always interesting to see how people respond to a certain character — sometimes they really think that you ARE that character, when you’re not.

But, I think I grew up in a pretty cool area.  People just weren’t prejudiced.  Of course, we joked around, but we all made fun of each other whether we are Iranian, Mexican, Asian, etc.  But it wasn’t in a malicious or cruel way, we were just having fun.  California is a liberal place.

- Were your Persian parents strict? 

I was really scared of my dad.  He is your typical Middle Eastern dad.  My mom was always cool, but my dad was very disciplined.  My parents divorced when I was very young, actually two years after we came to the U.S.  So my brother and I lived with my mom in the beginning, and then, when we got older and required discipline, we moved in with my dad.  Especially because I was getting in trouble being the class clown.

We still spent a lot of time with my mom during that time, which I thought was a good balance.  We weren’t JUST Momma’s boys.  My dad was the “tough love” parent, but it was a good love.  I’m glad that it happened because it made me into who I am today.  My dad taught me to be more street smart, he taught me how to handle business and to do ANYTHING in life.

- How did your family feel about your career change to comedy?

I would have started stand-up a lot sooner had it not been for my father.  It has always been my dream to do stand up.  But for our culture, its not the easiest thing to do.  Your parents respond, THAT’S what you’re going to do?  Stand-up isn’t a viable career option for Iranians.  They look at you like some street performer.  So I did the school thing for my dad and when I first started doing comedy, my parents didn’t see it as a successful career path.  But once they saw my show and saw that I actually had talent, they opened up to it.

There is honestly nothing I’d rather do, there is nothing else I CAN do.  I’d rather kill myself than not do stand-up anymore.

- Your Persian dad is better than ours because…

… Because he had a mustache when I was a kid.  It was really cool.  I always wanted to grow one because my dad had a cool one.  Then he shaved it when I was about 15 years old.  I was disappointed because once he shaved it off, all my dreams were crushed.

- Did you ever rebel?

I didn’t rebel purposely.  I was so scared of my dad.  I wasn’t scared of any authority other than my dad.  So if I got in trouble, if I was drinking with my buddies and the police came, I wasn’t scared of the police… I was scared of my dad.  My brother was super studious and he had great grades, and I was just the opposite.  I was social, I went to school to hang out with my friends.  I think that was my form of rebellion.

I would get in trouble everyday, but I wasn’t doing it intentionally.

- What do you love about Persian girls? 

I love Persian girls, but I haven’t been around a lot except at UCLA.  Persian girls are really beautiful.  That’s my favorite part– how beautiful they are. 

- What do you hate about Persian girls?

Sometimes you come across those Persian girls that are super annoying, like those Beverly Hills ones- The Beverly Hills Persian girls are so high maintenance and materialistic.  I know its a stereotype, but they are like that in SOME parts of L.A.

(AMEN AMIR)

- Ever dated a Persian girl?

My girlfriend in college was half Iranian and half Irish– she was from England.  Every experience I’ve had with a Persian girl is a different type, they’re never your stereotypical Persian chick.  I’m not biased in anyway, I’m definitely not against dating a Persian chick, I just haven’t been in a serious relationship with too many.  I don’t have a specific type.

- Single? 

Yes!

Aww don’t be embarrassed

- What’s the worst part about sleeping with a broken heart? 

Just thinking about the other person, and going to bed and not knowing if they’re thinking about you.  Getting emotional about it and just having them on your mind all the time.  Everything reminds you of them.

- Are you a player?

I’m a suuuuuper nice guy.  No games. I just like someone in a relationship that likes the fact that I’m a comedian.  If you can’t take a joke or handle having witty banter back and forth, or you can’t understand and carry an intelligent conversation, or you get offended by little things, or you get embarrassed about something in public — then its just not going to work.  I’m super sweet to you if I’m in a relationship with you.  But you have to be on my level, I like witty girls. 

- What do you think about one night stands? 

Everybody has a one night stand.  Its a part of life.  Its part of growing up and being an adult.  I don’t think its necessarily a bad thing.  BUT, its not good to have a one night stand every night, that’s just weird. But I don’t think its a bad thing if you’re young, you meet someone at a bar and end up getting a little drunk, and something happens between you two– and hey, if you realize that you don’t get along with that person after and don’t end up seeing them again, I don’t think its wrong.  At the same time, I don’t think you should be putting yourself in those situations all the time.

Just respect yourself and respect your body.  Everyone has to have fun sometime.

As long as you’re not a whore about it and just being crazy!

Amir K. on tour with Maz Jobrani

- What advice do you have for the younger generation of Iranians out there?

Its funny– older people get weirded out by my jokes sometimes because my jokes can be inappropriate at times, but the younger people love it.  And I think its time for change — its good for us to be pushing boundaries and doing these things, like you guys with this blog.  The younger Iranian culture is more Americanized and we should take advantage of these opportunities.  It’s all good!

- How do you like your Fessenjoon?

Savory and sweet!  Especially on my tahdig!

WE LOVE YOU AMIR K.  Keep up the great work.  Check him out on his website: amircomedy.com — you will NOT be disappointed.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

Love always,

THE S&F TEAM
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