What College Taught Me About Sex

Joonies, for those of you in college/going to college—I know you’re looking forward to the stellar academic opportunities coming your way. I mean which Persian family lets their kids go to a party school anyway? Pshhtttt..

But realistically, whether you decide to keep your head in the books or rage from Margarita Mondays to SundayFundays – you’re going to have to deal with sex in college. Directly or indirectly because your roommate keeps kicking you out with a post-it on the door.

There are a few lessons you learn only after you’ve become a seasoned college student with a penchant for self-pity. Lucky for you guys, I’m not only seasoned, I’m fully marinated.

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One time, at Frat Camp….

JOONS!

The day has arrived: SHAHS OF SUNSET is premiering! Share your thoughts on the show with us (FBOOK OR SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM)

Probs the best looking on the show.

As for me, I’m on a workout binge, so I’ve been uncharacteristically cheerful lately. I’m waiting for that one craving to kick in, that will have me abandon the gym for the pastry shop/CHIPS aisle. #waitforit

I realize I’ve been more FESSENJOON on this blog, then SEX — if you know what I mean. & its time for a HOOK UP STORY, Saaghi Style. Well, this is more of a HOOKUP FAIL.

As a freshman in college, and as someone who had just moved away from home for the first time, I transformed from a level-headed prioritizing good girl to an insane psychotic party animal.

By the time my first year had come to an end, I had been arrested, I had skinnydipped while crying my eyes out, and I had put the ultimate smackdown on a few people.

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On Bro Tanks & Beer Pong

Hellohello jooneh-azizums ;)

Lots of you guys have been sending love, and we LOVE you for thattt so keep it coming (along with some funny scandalous stories): sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Today on the agenda we have a rather important issue: the ever-so-illusive FRAT boy. A staple of college life. Whether you’re graduated, in college, or waiting to get there– you will be dealing with them.

Here’s an accurate portrayal of a fratpartyscene, if you’ve never been to one:

And if you ARE a frat boy and reading this (fuckyeahBRO) > i promise it will be informative, or at the very least, entertaining.

When I first got to college, I was rather dazed&confused with the Greek scene- pay $$$ for a social life?

Does that mean I don’t have to develop my own social skills? WORD. between pulling all nighters and roommates from hell, who has time for that?! OK, so I bought in (literally $$$$ sorrydaddy). We’ll leave the lies I told my parents about the benefits for another post!

Thanks to my decision, I met my first love/boyfriend/hookup/mindfuck. He was also a freshman, and an Arab pledging a fraternity. When we first met, he was a NORMAL asshole, he’d only sometimes treat me like crap. Once he crossed over (yes thats what they call it when they initiate into BRO-dom) , it was a whole other story. He became OBSESSED with his ‘brotherhood’, and the FRAT-TASTIC lifestyle.

So it was onto the next for me.

Soon after him, I started specializing in their kind- Persian,Arab,Armenian- the MIDDLE EASTERN FRAT BOY.

And now all this experience has allowed me to bestow some wisdom upon you joons:

If you want a real relationship with the opposite sex.

STAY THE FUCK AWAY

from frat boys.

If you want a booty call, hit em up (BEWARE: some are really not that good). But for an emotional connection and the ‘make love’ type of intimacy, check out that kid in the library reading Shakespeare, or the hipster at the local Co-op.

Here’s why:

All frat boys aspire to be Ralph Lauren models or in a National Lampoon Movie, but not all succeed.

Where those boatshoes at?

There are TWO type of Frat Boys in the world-

1. Ambitious, Selfish, Ruthless, Cutthroat BROs: wall street 1% = frat row 1%. FO REAL. They are never down to settle because they know the girl they meet at a frat party is not gonna be the wifey they take to that BLACK TIE FUNDRAISER. you want to be his first priority? Wait til he’s 35+. Because until he gets himself to where HE wants to be (top law school, med school, MBA, SENATE SEAT etc) he will not be giving you 100% of his anything–including attention OR respect.

#1 is the type you will most likely see trying to rack up his ‘numbers’ while racking up a top GPA. #1 will keep going even after you’ve fallen asleep.

#1 is what you want, but canNOT have. and I mean that. Girls, these guys are NOT a challenge– they will not change for anyone: a Maxim model or Michelle Obama.  Getting involved with #1 is asking for heartbreak, disrespect, and a whole lot of SH!TTY NIGHTS.

Don’t let his refined exterior fool you.

2. Drunken, Clowny, Untalented, Goofy BROs: This is the guy you see double fisting beers, peeing his pants, and/or dressing up as a PENIS at an exchange/mixer. He is not date-able, but he is gullible– which means if you ever see a fratboy in a relationship, he belongs to this category. These bros live to make other bros laugh, smash shit around, and glide through life. They will most likely end up middle manager, or selling insurance (truestory).

#2 lacks in SWAGGER what #1 lacks in HUMANITY. everything.

Life is Beer Pong & Bitches

Now here’s where shit gets serious. Most Persian (middleeastern) dudes that rush a frat, end up as #1s. Why? Because of the way they were raised.

Being ambitious and thinking they’re f!cking amazing is in their genetic code— HELLO DOODOOL TALA COMPLEX (goldenpenis).

Some symptoms of the DoodoolTala-complex (all may not apply to..all):

- I am going to be amazing at what I do. because I’m me.

- Women are to throw themselves at me, because, like my mom said, I’m fucking amazing.

oh— and if they don’t it’s because theyre ugly prude feminists.

- I am to work and make $$$, so I can make it rain at the clubs. So I can further prove my manliness.

- Being a man is the greatest privilege.

When they enter fraternity life, they just find that their goldenpenis-complex is reinforced.

This is DANGEROUS territory for girls, unless you got your head on straight.

(Here, I believe I’m helping some frat boys out so they don’t deal with that psychobitch who texts/calls wondering where you guys are headed since you last hooked up.)

Say it with me now:

FRAT BOYS ARE FOR FUN. FRAT BOYS ARE NOT FOR DATING. I WILL USE THE FRAT BOY AS HE USES ME.

(For ass)

If you can’t take the heat, get outta the kitchen or else you’ll end up burned. That’s what happened to me the first time. DEVASTATION- BEN&JERRYS – PSYCHODRUNK TEXTING. DO NOT let it happen to you. If you think you canNOT do the NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED commitment, stay away from frat boys, esp the PERSIAN KIND. They will hurt.

Joonies, any fun/fucked up frat stories to share? Or think I have them pegged ALL WRONG?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

FRATtastically yours,

saaghi  ساقی
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