& The Oscar Goes To…

Hello Joonies,

Happy Labor Day Weekend: a holiday that’s lost its historical significance, but we shop and party hard for it anyway.

As for myself, I didn’t really shop (that’s a lie, I’m an addict) or party– but I did think about sex a lot. Because I haven’t been having any…and while that’s a tragic topic on its own, I was thinking more about

Faking Orgasms.

I know it seems I’m getting a little ahead of myself since I have no one to fake it with, but that’s exactly why I wanted to write about this. Sex and Orgasms have become two very different dry spells:

 I’ve been having real O’s courtesy of my little friend — and I can have it whenever, wherever (no, not at work). With sex, its not as convenient, and definitely not as much of a guarantee.  Here comes the earth-shattering fact of the day: Not every woman orgasms from sex..every time.

While for every girl that may seem like old news, there are a lot of guys who think “but she’s never been with me”. Especially Persian doodool-talas. I mean, it is made of gold…

Every persian guy thinks he’s going to be the golden doodool to rock your world.

[Read more...]

That’s Why You Mad.

JOOOOONS.

Have you stalked me  yet? Maybe you will after this post…or maybe, you’ll just hate me.

I usually have a theme song when I write, and occasionally (when its not too embarassing) I share the song. Remember Arab MONEY $? Well, here’s another one that you should nod your head and read to:

Ever meet those girls who say they don’t have a lot of girlfriends? The ones not addicted to Meth?

Well, I dont fcking trust them. Don’t get me wrong, not all girls with male friends outnumbering female ones are shady/sketch– they usually fall into two categories:

Category 1: (the minority) The guy’s girl. They actually love sports and watch the games, not as an excuse to wear slutty team gear–but because it matters to them. They prefer getting down and dirty, they’re not vain, and they’re real. Cameron Diaz is the hottest Category 1 I have ever seen. Burping competitions anyone?

and as for the majority of them…drum roll please!

Category 2: The Attention Whores (A.W.) They like anything that will get them attention from men, even if it means wearing/saying/doing the most ridiculous things. Some are more obvious than others, but these species are easily spotted by other females. Males? Well, they’re slower to catch on, and sometimes they fall into the web– but inevitably, they head for the hills too.

I’ve had a lot of Category 2’s in my life, unfortunately. I finally learned my lesson on how to ID them and  just STAY the eff AWAY because they tend to want to project their insecurities onto the people they’re around (and thats a problem).

If you’re still wondering what an A.W. is, or have never (or think you’ve never) had one in your life, let me break it down for you:

They are girls who suffer from the Sheep/Wolf Complex. They’re the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

Sheep are cuddly. wolves are not.

When its just you and them, or just the girls in an isolated situation, they’re sheep like the rest of us. They’re fun, they’re real…they’re your friend. Then there’s the social situations: the party, the mehmooni, the club, classroom, workplace, etc –> and they betray their true nature.

In the public view, the claws come out. And they’re ravenous- they want to tear apart ALL THE SHEEP.

I’m serious, its like they only see red. You’re no longer a person, just competition for attention– in the way of their glory. And it seems, if they’re your FRIEND– they want to murder you even more.  Ever had a friend

who makes underhanded comments toward you in social situations?

Seems to call dibs on every guy in the room?

And BLATANTLY flirts with anything that has a penis? 

There are no boundaries, and sometimes you cringe out of embarassment for them. It doesn’t seem to matter if he’s available or not, if he’s ugly/hot, or your friend or a stranger- they want to revel in the spotlight.

  What causes a girl to become such a meth-hater? And why does she end up with no girlfriends?

1. She’s very insecure and jealous. We are all insecure and envious, its human nature. But some people can’t control their green-eyed monsters and how inferior they feel. I had a friend who couldn’t handle not being the hottest girl in the room. Could you imagine that type of anxiety/stress?

Being so conscious of your surroundings and how people perceive you is more a curse than anything else.

2. She enjoys competition. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy game of one-on-one, but keep it on the fucking courts man. All that is social does not need to be WARFARE. When we go to a bar, don’t hijack the guys I’m talking to because you want to prove you’re better than me. Don’t throw yourself at men, because you want to prove you can get more attention than me.

Because all I’m going to do is walk away. I don’t play those games. You’re not better than me, you’re just pathetic.

This is how A.W.’s lose all their girlfriends.

3. She has to validate herself, externally. What do I mean by this? Its the same as insecurity but more of an active insecurity. She looks in the mirror, and feels empty FOR SOME REASON. and she looks to fill that emptiness using her surroundings- instead of attempting to understand why she’s empty in the first place. One of my friends was clearly so lost in her crisis of ‘what are you gonna do with that?‘ she just constantly relied on her attention-whoring ways to make her feel better. (cough-daddyissuesUP THE ASS cough)

I guess the philosophy behind that is,

I have nothing else going on that’s worth any attention?

Feel like I’m being harsh? In my defense, I’ve spent years with wolves, of all breeds. Some Persian, some not, some ugly, and some pretty– but all very lost, insecure, and toxic. And this affected me and my life– you see, your baggage and your problems are all YOUR BUSINESS until they begin to affect ME. Then its my business to either help you, or get the fuck away.

and I’m not an A.W.

But the only person that can help an attention whore is the whore herself.

I tried for a long time to help my friend, especially because I thought that if I showed her how negatively it was perceived by others it would hit a sore spot for her, and she’d change. But no, shit was waayy too twisted.

“Saaghi, I would want your boyfriend to think I’m hot” 

“OMG, I don’t understand why he’s so interested in me!” (um. Is flirting not a signal of interest? Or did I miss something here?)

“I have like no girlfriends, they’re just too catty for me. I get along with guys better.”

OH. So GIRLS are too catty for YOU? Its not you who hits on their boyfriends that has a problem?….Got it.

If it was just the comments, I would be able to deal because I tend to tune stupid sh!t out anyway… but a person who can’t be happy on her own, will DEFINITELY never be happy for you. So sharing the ‘good parts’ of your life? FORGET IT. Evil-eye galore joonies. At the end of the day, its like this:

I’m sorry my dad actually loves me.

I’m sorry that time with my girlfriends actually fulfills me.

And I’m really sorry I’m not so insecure, that I need to overcompensate and over-validate. Is that why you mad?

So, if you can identify some A.W.’s in your life, RUN. Don’t look back, just RUN. If you don’t, your relationship will become so anxiety ridden, and resentful- you’ll even begin to question your own identity (take it from me). Don’t do this to yourself. At some point, you gotta wash your hands clean, and let them deal with their self-esteem issues on their own.

Don’t stoop to their level and compete with them.

Even if it comes down to a guy you both like, don’t fall into the black hole and (God forbid) turn into an A.W. Because once the dust settles and the spark of flirting is gone, all that’s left is respect…and no guy respects an attention whore.

They’re just for playtime. ;)

So as for your attention-whoring career? Dead. GHOSTBUSTER.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

Follow me on Twitter because you can @Saaghi_Joon

Spittin Wisdom,

saaghi  ساقی

Bitch, You Make Me HURL

Hey joonjoons, 

Enough of this emotional crap.  Its time for a major reality check.  We all know how great it is to start a relationship with someone you’ve been pining after for weeks.  Those first kisses, staying up late talking, lots of sex, finishing each other’s sentences… (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little).

Bet the people studying didn’t think that was so cute…

I’m all about being excited about your new relationship with the hottie in your chem class (ok let’s be real, no hotties in chem class… let’s go with HISTORY class). BUT, just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you are completely excused from normal, respectful tendencies.

Case in point:

My best friend in college had just started a dating a new guy.  It was her first boyfriend in a… LONG time and she was so excited.  Don’t get me wrong, I was excited for her too- he was a NICE guy.  But then all of a sudden, he was at our apartment ALL THE DAMN TIME.  And we didn’t live in one of those nice, spacious apartments, we lived in a shithole where you could hear EVERYTHING from the other room.  He was eating everyone’s food, they were making baby noises at each other (NEVER OKAY) and no matter who was in the room with them, they acted like they were the only ones there.  Privacy was gone.  He was suddenly everywhere, yet he had his OWN place to live.

Even ^she agrees 

I understand that when you are dating someone, the world revolves around them (at least in the beginning) and its all sunshine and rainbows.  But here are some things to keep in mind:

1.  No, I don’t want to watch you guys stick your tongue down each other’s throat at the dinner table- whether it is at home OR at the fucking restaurant (NEVER OKAY).

2.  Yes, you should be able to bring your boyfriend to your home and spend the night… but EVERY NIGHT?!  It gets excessive ESPECIALLY if I’m stressed out with work or even finals.  He’s gotta home too- utilize that shit.

3.  Really, I’m TOTALLY fine NOT listening to your “inside jokes.”  No I don’t get it and I really don’t want to.

4.  If I’m single:  Respect that and don’t forget it.  There’s no reason to force me to come out with the two of you and then baby talk at each other throughout the entire night.  I’d much rather stay home and watch people baby talk on Gossip Girl.

Bet he’s thinking: SHOOT ME IN THE FACE

And last but not least:

5.  When you aren’t home, he shouldn’t be chillin’ at OUR home, lazying around on the couch, hogging the bathroom and shit.  It would be different if you guys had been: (a) dating for YEARS (somewhat okay), (b) he was visiting from out of town, (c) if he was setting up some bullshit surprise for you while you were in class.  But if his reasons don’t fit any of the categories above, then make sure he goes the fuck home before you leave the house.

I know it will take time to learn the balance between friend and boyfriend… hell it took me awhile.  But some things are just common sense.  NOTICE: I didn’t say “don’t ditch me on a Friday night.”  I’m completely cool hanging with the two of you… I’m only hating because if I have to hear another “aw baby-waby,” I will literally throw up in YOUR mouth.

So please, keep that shit to a minimum in public and behind closed doors: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.  Until then:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Happy Humping,

Farrah فراه

Single or Just Addicted to Meth?

Hi Joonies,

I have discovered the key to why most of us VERY ELIGIBLE, BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT women are still single (some on the verge of torshideh).

And I won’t charge you for imparting this wisdom. WHAT A DEAL, HUH?!

So, here’s a few reasons you’ve already HEARD:

I have to tease you, sorry

1. WOMEN WON’T SETTLE: According to an article I read in The Atlantic, IN THIS ECONOMY, women are gracefully reaching the top of the ladder, WHILE men hang at the bottom jobless, and uneducated. OKOKOK that’s an exaggeration…but as more and more women start making as much, or more than men, they start asking themselves: “why the fuck would I deal with YOUR bullshit?!

For every beautiful single woman, there’s three ridiculous, immature boys

2. LACK OF TIME: Same deal as #1, but all that time you spend in the library? or work? well, you’re def not dolling yourself up to go and meet a mate. ya know what i mean?

3. MEN HAVE LOST THEIR ‘MAN’: Ignore the OLD SPICE guy, finding a manly guy these days is SO HARD. They either want to talk about their feelings, or they’re just fucking lost. Yeah I’m gonna say it: WHAT HAPPENED TO CHIVALRY? what happened to forward men who PURSUED women? If you expect US to do the chasing, well…we’re gonna feel like the MAN in the relationship, and…then why the eff would we want you around?

NOW HERE’S WHAT YOU DON’T HEAR OFTEN ENOUGH:

YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. 

yeah, all those friends you’ve been counting on since high school to get you through heartbreak, have sex-talk with, the people you CONFIDE IN…THEY ARE THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE.

Does it look like there’s room for a man in there?

I’ll explain:

Back in the day, friendship was never over prioritized over a relationship. “Chicks before Dicks”? No. I dont think so.

Now, after all this Sex and the City and other pop culture references, we’ve come to see girlfriends as our main SUPPORT SYSTEM. We RELY on them to get us through hard times, stick up for us, and more importantly UNDERSTAND us.

We have BEST FRIENDS, we have FRENEMIES, we have our ONLY-GOOD-TO-PARTY-WITH FRIENDS, at the end of the day though– we have SO MANY girlfriends (all types and hierarchies) that we’re practically never ALONE enough to realize we want a man.

I’m not saying we need a man, but we complain we’re SINGLE all the time– no one appreciates us, no one commits to us, bla blabla….WELL TAKE A LOOK AROUND— your girlfriends are your crutch!

Where are you gonna fit a man into your life when you have to – work, study, get your nails done with Tina, gym with Nadia, and help Lily with her new boy crush?

It seems high school, but ladies take a look at your lives- WHAT PERCENTAGE IS TAKEN UP BY YOUR GIRLFRIENDS?

It’s like a meth addict wanting to get clean, while hanging at a meth lab. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Now let me illustrate:

I am your typical single girl:  I believe I am the greatest, most beautiful creature who deserves a prince, and I won’t settle, yet I still complain about why I can’t find anyone. And I have the GREATEST girlfriends.

My friends understand me in ways no man ever has. I am completely un-censored, SILLY, WEIRD, un-ladylike, potty-mouthed around them…and they love me JUST THAT WAY. (part of it’s because they have no choice) I am so comfortable around my friends, and that is the PROBLEM.

I feel no motivation to make a connection with guys to try to find ONE who will reach some level like that with me- because quite frankly, even your husband doesn’t wanna hear about your period cramps. Or you can’t share a batch of brownies with them at 2am FOR ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

Don’t get me wrong, when my friends fall into relationships- I seem to find a boy to replace my crutch, but we all seem to FALL back into the one RELATIONSHIP we have with each other.

So here’s the moral of the story, blessed with good girlfriends? Dump ‘em if you want a man. It’ll push you out of your comfort zone and MAKE you find someone.

But if you’re like me, you’ll stick with the meth ;).

BTW- have you ever noticed how those ‘RELATIONSHIP-TYPE GIRLS’ don’t have good Friends who are GIRLS?….SEE- I TOLD YOU.

Any other reasons you think are better than this one?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Your Welcome,

Saaghi  ساقی
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