20 Things Every Persian Girl Should Own

Don’t talk to me about style , cause ill mothaf**** embarass you.

- said every Persian girl everywhere (and Kanye)

Regardless of your style, take a moment and think of adding some of these pieces if they’re missing from your life.

Fitted Black Blazer

marant black blazer

 

Dark Wash Jeans

j brand jeans

J Brand was made for Persian girl thighs

 

Black Jumpsuit

black jumpsuit

For the fat days, or when you don’t want to shave your legs.

Little White Dress

white dress

Blouse that means business

blouse silk

An Outfit to meet the parents

printed dress

aren’t you the nicest girl he’s ever dated.

An Outfit to get wild in

wild outfit

Ooo, killem.

Black Closed Toe Pumps

SAINT LAURENT HEELS

for when open-toe is too sexy

A Real Leather Jacket

leather jacket

Say bye to pleather.

Converse Sneakers

converseProves why you’re not like other Persian girls.

A Chic “Palto” (jacket)

coat

I like my coats like I like my Camels.

One Purse that has multiple functions

structured bag

School, Work, Play, Repeat.

Sweatpants you can pass off as real pants

helmut sweats

Get serious about Mehmooni Dinner attire.

One Swimsuit to rule them all

swimsuit

Statement Bling

boss

Red Lipstick

red lipstick

 

The Holy Trinity of makeup

trinity

 

Frizz Tamer

kerastase

 

Cheaper Alternative: L’Oreal Hair Serum

 

Hair Tamer

t3 dryer

After many failed purchases, I’ve been converted to the $250 dryer. #fml

babyliss

Something naughty

bra

 

Was it too much black on black on black? What would you add? 

 

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SAAGHI ساقی

Ayo, I’m tired of using Technology

Good morning.

Its technically my morning, because its 3:19 am, and I canNOT sleep. Blame it on the alcohol, that’s what I get for pounding those double-shot margaritas after work.

Drinking in college is for Fun. Drinking after work is for Sanity.

(of course i dont look this fab @ happy hour)

So what you do when you have alcohol-induced insomnia is try to load up on drunk food so you can fall into a carb-induced coma, but since my cabinets are empty and i only have some KALE in the fridge (who was I kidding when I went grocery shopping?)– I had to turn on the TV. and instead of turning on C-SPAN, I watched Sex and the City– SEASON ONE episodes.

& it provided me with some blogging inspiration: The evolution of technology, and how within 10 years– everything has changed. For better, or for worse.

There was a scene in the episode where Carrie and Big run into each other unexpectedly– though they’re in a relationship, and then casually say goodbye. In that moment, it hit me– neither of the two is exactly sure where the other is going, what they’ll be up to, and when they’ll see each other again.

Updates on status had to be given via a land line phone. Which means you had to be home. not mobile.

Or if Carrie had a moment of crisis (which she does in most episodes), she would have to wait until she got home, got to a payphone, so she could catch one of the girls at home, or in their office– tot talk it through. Or she could leave it for Sunday Brunch.

And to think that land lines and pagers and payphone were within my lifetime…well, it blows my mind.

THen it all hit me,

Technology has redefined personal space.  And our love lives. [Read more...]

& The Oscar Goes To…

Hello Joonies,

Happy Labor Day Weekend: a holiday that’s lost its historical significance, but we shop and party hard for it anyway.

As for myself, I didn’t really shop (that’s a lie, I’m an addict) or party– but I did think about sex a lot. Because I haven’t been having any…and while that’s a tragic topic on its own, I was thinking more about

Faking Orgasms.

I know it seems I’m getting a little ahead of myself since I have no one to fake it with, but that’s exactly why I wanted to write about this. Sex and Orgasms have become two very different dry spells:

 I’ve been having real O’s courtesy of my little friend — and I can have it whenever, wherever (no, not at work). With sex, its not as convenient, and definitely not as much of a guarantee.  Here comes the earth-shattering fact of the day: Not every woman orgasms from sex..every time.

While for every girl that may seem like old news, there are a lot of guys who think “but she’s never been with me”. Especially Persian doodool-talas. I mean, it is made of gold…

Every persian guy thinks he’s going to be the golden doodool to rock your world.

[Read more...]

The Club Can’t Handle This Right Now.

salaaam joonies,

today’s post is all about the dark side of being persian– and I’m getting straight to de point.

For some this will be necessary, for others irrelevant. But I promise it is entertaining nonetheless, so LEGGOOO

Persian Club Etiquette For Dummies.

Introduction:

Let me break it down. I know that how much fun you have at clubs is inversely related to how many times you go clubbing. Especially if you start before you hit the legal age, the big 2-1 (eff 18+ nights! #sorryboutit) The earlier you start, the more jaded you get. But aside from that, this is fact:

I can’t count how many times I’ve been clubbing, but I can count how many time’s I’ve enjoyed it.

(Ibiza takes the cake FOSHO)

I go to clubs for music, and dancing– there is nothing better than seeing your favorite DJ play a live set. But for some Persians, clubbing is a different ball game. They ruin it for the rest of us, but if you by chance want to join their ranks– here’s a few lessons.

[Read more...]

You are SO dumb, FO REAL!

:)

there’s only so many ways you can say hello, and I’m all out for today. & if you love ARAB $$ and SEXY like I do, this song’ll be a hit– summer in Morocco anyone?

and I couldn’t help but post another one for the people going out this weekend:

yeah I kinda gave into #bieberFEVER just a little.

So I’ve decided I have no HOSELEH (HOS for short–patience) for two things:

- ONLINE SHOPPING emails

- Ditzy MEN

One is because I’m broke, the other because I’m too intelligent.

I dont think its ok for girls to play it stupid, but when they actually are that dumb, I just forgive them– because I’m not trying to have sex with them. But for guys, its not that easy. As much as I know not EVERY hook up isn’t going to be an Einstein, I always thought it was safe to assume they have some sort of evolutionary-given common sense. Or could suppress their stupidity for at least the short period of time it takes to get it on.

Saaghi, you’re STUPID. Again.

My friends joke with me that I get with guys on a disability spectrum– from the physically handicapped to the mentally handicapped. I mean there was that one time with the blind guy– but come on! (JK–no one said I was PC on this blog)

But really, now its become a problem: before I’d wait til the next day or tilat least the hookup was over to tell my friends of the stupid sh!t they did, but now I find myself texting/laughing DURING the whole thing.

If I can’t wait to tell the world, it means you’re that ridiculous.   [Read more...]

ALL I DO IS LIN.

Joons,

My new obsession: SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA- GREYHOUND. Even if you’re not a clubhead, you have to admit the beat is sick,brah. I think I could eat fessenjoon or have sex to this song, (or run a marathon) and thats why its S&F worthy.

You can listen to it in the new ABSOLUT commercial, thats part TRON/part ALICE IN WONDERLAND.

Now we’re not gonna say its RACISM week, like they try to call out BLACK HISTORY MONTH & INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY…but I think Farrah brought about how us Iranians can be the victims of some very nasty profiling ….

but lets talk about how us Iranians can be some nasty racists, now I realize thats a loaded term, but lets be real– we can get pretty bad.

Sometimes I think we worship our “blood” as if we were tracing it back to GOLD. The ARYAN thing was dispelled a few months ago, and clearly, our oppressive theocracy should humble our superiority complex–no?

[Read more...]

That’s My Heritage, Bitch

Hey joonies,

I’m going to do things a little differently tonight.  On S&F, we talk a lot about sex… and fessenjoon– because who doesn’t love both of them?  Especially together…

But it’s time for things to get a little serious.  Especially now that Shahs of Sunset is airing for the world to see…. no comment.

Yes, you definitely represent the Iranian American community…

Not to get all deep on you, but I think we’ve all dealt with some type of hate at some point in our lives.  Especially at such a pivotal time where war is one of the main issues discussed everyday. Or even think back to a decade ago when 9/11 happened.  All Middle Easterners were grouped into one category: Terrorists.

Nice, thank you.    

I grew up in a small town that was predominately White.  And they just didn’t know any better because they’d never been exposed to anything foreign.  So I was used to being the token Persian girl and I dealt with haters as they came.  But not always well… responding to people like this is never effective or smart:

“You’re right, my family flies planes… so watch your fucking mouth.”  

This just promotes the stigma that we’re violent and that’s not okay.

I moved away to the Persian capital of America for college: Hello Los Angeles.

[Read more...]

Practice Makes Perfect

Hey joonie joons,

Shit’s about to get real dirty in a second.

But first, let me ask you this:  Ever been with a guy… and he’s going to town down there… but nothing is happening? He’s just not getting the right spot, you’re getting kinda bored- kiiinda wishing the TV was on so you could at least be entertained as he attempts to get you off.

And what sucks even more is that you don’t know what kind of direction to give him before you dry up and get over it.  Well I’m here to tell you this:

It’s okay.  There’s a solution to everything.

No need to hit it and quit it (all the time)

SOLUTION TO BAD SEX?! IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? Yes.

MASTURBATING.

I think my grandmother just turned in her grave.  Oops.

Its simple really.  No guy is going to be able to get you off if you don’t even know how to get YOURSELF off.  And here’s why.  Every girl is different.  Yes we all have the same anatomy, but we like different things.  Some girls like it when guys jack hammer them (frat boy style)… some girls just like it rough (Saaghi style)… and some love that sweet, sensual love making they only get once a month from their husbands (if they’re lucky).  But it all comes down to this:

Everyone needs direction.  Guys give us direction when we go down on them, so you can only expect that they’re going to need the same amount of help, IF NOT MORE, when they’re trying to please YOU.

Show me the way

My first time getting off was pretty unexpected.  I was a junior in high school (don’t be jealous), and my boyfriend and I were making out… among other things… when suddenly, it started to feel kinda different down there.  I’m not really sure what he was doing but, I didn’t know if I should say “Stop that feels weird,” or “Yeah baby, keep going.”

OBVIOUSLY, I decided to just keep my mouth shut and then the waterfall hit.  And it felt fucking great… but COMPLETELY unexpected and I kinda freaked out.  So I snapped out of it within 10 seconds.

That was stupid.

How the fuck am I going to sleep now

You should be experienced enough to know what is going on down there- ESPECIALLY when you’re about to get hit hard (with an orgasm)… otherwise the whole hook-up is pretty anti-climactic (pun intended).

No one wants to scare their orgasm away.

(like I did)

And by experienced, I don’t mean that you should hook up with an endless reel of guys- that’s just trashy- we’re Persian– we don’t do trashy.

The secret to a great orgasm is masturbating.  If you expect a man to be able to get it right, then you better be able to SHOW them how.  And unlike what most of our mothers say, masturbating is not disgusting, nor is it a sin.   

Even more motivation

It was after my fateful orgasm surprise that I realized it was time to poke around down there.  And it took awhile before I got it.  Plus, living in a Persian household doesn’t often leave room for much privacy.  Thank god for showers… (if you catch my drift).  But after my orgasm slip-up, no one was able to give me another orgasm until COLLEGE.  And even then- I had to give direction.

NEWS FLASH: GUYS LIKE DIRECTION… BECAUSE THEY NEED IT.

Now, before you freak out about the idea of using a VIBRATOR- just know there are always other options.  I get it- you don’t want to stick something in that is… fake…. “might break your hymen,” or simply: just loosen you up.  Take it from someone who’s never used a vibrator before (only because the one I ordered didn’t work… jk). But also keep in mind, you don’t exactly have to stick it IN for it to get the job done.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Ever heard of a shower head?  Just turn the faucet on and lay the fuck down.  But once you hit that point of ecstasy, its time to learn how to do it yourself because you kinda need to before you can expect to give any good directions.  You can’t exactly tell a guy to turn on the water.

Trust me, there have been times where the guy spent an hour down there and ALL I wanted was a fucking newspaper to help pass the time.  That’s never enjoyable… for either person.

So Persian or not,

masturbating is natural, its not gross or shameful.

 We’re sexual beings.  We’re going to get cravings, and when we’re single, I’m going to go ahead and say its better to get yourself off than have a different guy in your bed every night.  Not cute.

ONE MORE THING:

Orgasms are for everyone.  Just because you’ve never had one before DOESN’T mean you never will.

Like my Irooni mother always says, “PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.” Even though I’m pretty sure she was referring to piano… rather than getting myself off.  Who knew her advice could be so versatile?

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US 

Here’s to personal hygiene,

FARRAH فرح

If you’re not KOBE, you can sit this one out.

HELLLOOOO/salaaaam/bonjOUR to our lovely joooons,

I’m in a particularly good mood as you can see today. It’s rare, usually there’s something that sets me off – gets my ‘bitch mode activated‘. Anyway, there’s a new CONTACT US page, if you’re too lazy/scared/annoyedthatweevenask to email (sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com)! so gogogo and leave us some feedback. Farrah and I are all ears!

just for fun, my french boy crush: Adrien Gallo.

Now I have a concern for my own kind– the middle eastern woman. Since when were we such snooty bitches? and since when was THAT mistaken for confidence? EXCUSE ME— cocky is not confident, cocky is a projection of all your INSECURITIES & DADDY ISSUES.

Cocky doesn’t translate into ‘I’m the hottest bitch in the room’, ‘I’m a lionness here me roar’…Cocky translates over to : “I woke up this morning delusional, thinking I was Beyonce”

Now I know I said its coool to speak your mind, and I encouraged it (see here). & that’s not what I’m talking about– I’m writing about those girls that walk around the streets, the clubs, the malls as if they’ve just been dropped from the nose of an elephant (az damagh-e-feel – farsi proverb of the day). Girls with noses in the air, clutching their handbags, marching in their stilettos, and doling out DIRTY LOOKS. — now tell me that ain’t INSECURR?

As guys say, girls that think their sh!t don’t stink.

toddlers and tiaras. #smh

I have bad news, it does. & you thinking you’re better than other people only shows how inferior you really must feel.

I witnessed the following the other day:

As I stood in line for take-out, there were a couple Irooni girls a few people in front of me (just enough distance for saaghi the anthropologist – or creeper- to observe them). They were laughing, talking, gossiping whatever- until a guy sitting nearby decided to chat them up. It was unclear whether he was hitting on them or just killing time by being a social person.

a) I wanted to give him a MASS AMOUNT of credit for approaching girls while theyre in ‘wolf packs’ (that ain’t easy we know)

b) He was respectful, I know girls complain about all those sleazy creepers but he was not one.

image

Poor guy didn’t realize what he got himself into. The girls ripped him apart like wolves, to the point that I just felt bad. Even after he had stopped talking to them, they were still laughing, mocking, and just being plain disrespectful. Sure, you can call it mean girls– but it was more than that, these girls thought they had a right to just brush this guy off in any way they so chose.

I was so angry, I wanted to- all at the same time- comfort the poor dude, bitchslap the girls, take them off their stilettos & bring them back down to earth. 

Then I was relieved by this thought:

LIFE will do that.

Somewhere, between losing your virginity, falling in love, moving out, and getting a job- you will learn that there is nothing that makes you better than anyone else. No amount of money, looks, health, or family.

There are no ‘leagues’, ‘cliques’, and ‘ranks’ in the greater scheme of things. There’s only the reality of how you’ve treated the people around you.Like when you say ‘ugh he’s so out of my league’ or ‘I’m an 8, he’s a 4′– you only make yourself look stupid. When you look down on people is when you’re basically asking for life to humble you and smack the air of superiority out of your effing soul.

this is not real life.

As Iranians, or even Middle Easterners, we tend to inherit large egos and even bigger amounts of PRIDE– and I think that can be harnessed for good– towards your motivations, goals, aspirations, etc.  But when you keep it at a superficial level, you’re just going to stand still and look like a fool.

Now if I’ve gotten too philosophical and deep on you joonies, I apologize, let’s lighten this up by showing you how Life humbled a young Saaghi. I’ve realized my existence has been filled with way too many embarassing moments, and I haven’t shared enough of them with you. So here we go

My parents, as all persian parents do, signed me up for a few sports when I was young (some starting at five years old): Soccer, Swimming, Basketball, and Tennis. I definitely did not inherit some of the athletic talent my siblings have, and I was no super star but I was pretty good at Soccer (surprise). And this was because I was AGGRESSIVE (surprise again) and I had no problem elbowing, knocking down, kneeing, headbutting, injuring anyone. My soccer coach sent me into the field because I was the human bulldozer. (Wow, I’m making myself sound very attractive to you joonies aren’t I?) & he sent me in, for every game.

When it came to BASKETBALL, it was a very different story. I don’t know what it is about the sport– i am just NOT GOOD. Actually, I suck. I mean, I can play some one-on-one and survive, but a game with teams– my ADD kicks in and I have no idea what side of the court I should be on. Hands in the air at the same time for defense? Yeah, that just means I look like a confused weirdo doing jumping jacks at the half court line.

LECHOKE.

ANYWAY, my parents would come to the games, and I realllyyyy  wanted to show off for them. Especially my dad who was still yelling “HUST-ELE” from the sidelines (click here for the full story). Of course, my coach knew I sucked– my teammates knew I sucked– but I, big egoed bulldozer saaghi, still felt like there had to be someone who sucked more than me. & of course I decided it was the girl who hadn’t shed her baby fat yet. (WHY AM I SUCH A BITCH!?) I insisted Coach put me in the games, insisting I had more KOBE in me than her. Turns out, that wasn’t true– one game, as I awkwardly let the other team consistently score while trampling over me, my coach took me out and said:

“Saaghi,You can sit this one out.”

and then I sat every game out, as baby fat KOBE played, scored, and got some glory. My basketball skills became the running joke of my family (still is).

It may seem like a mild story, but guess what– I ate shit on the court a few times, which made me EAT MY WORDS, and kill my ego. Baby fat Kobe was gonna play and I was gonna STOP FRONTIN’ THAT I WAS KOBE/JORDAN/ALLEN/SHAQ– and SIT IT OUT.

I’ll leave you with this joons, and it’s not jesus’ golden rule (although that’d apply here)>>

True Swagged out bitches know they’re just as flawed as the rest of the world. & they don’t front.SO kick off the pedestal you put yourself on, and take a new look around you.

Sh!t looks different from ground level, huh?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

The Persian Bulldozer,

saaghi  ساقی

HAPPY NEW YEAR DO’s AND DON’T’s

HEY JOON JOONS!

NEW YEAR’S EVE BABY!  As you all get prepared to go out for an evening of debauchery and fun- we thought we would provide the men with a short list of guidelines to follow as they attempt to get their New Year’s kiss (in reality, boys/men should follow these guidelines at. all. times). 

Lesson 1: stay away, they look 12 (with too much makeup)

Do’s:

1.  When you go up to a girl, make an effort to engage her friends too.  She will appreciate that you aren’t excluding her homegirls otherwise known as: you are just being creepy.

2.  Buy her a drink.  I know… common sense right?  I’m all about being independent and paying for my own shit- but its the principle: guy should always pay on the first date and hey, if you’re trying to get some action after a crazy night of drinking, then the least you can do is pay for a goddamn drink (we all know the second you get to her house, you’re going to flail around until she decides to go in your pants, and then pass the fuck out).  

3.  Make sure that you’ve both agreed to a New Year’s kiss before going in for the kill.  No one likes a surprise…

You don’t want her to be checking out the guy across the room…

Do NOT’S:

1.  Don’t get so wasted that your breath reeks of beer (gross).  Trust me, if you are THAT wasted guy… all you’ll be doing is kissing the toilet… and we will probably (likely) take pictures to show our friends the gross guy that attempted to hit on us as he was falling over.

If you merely get bad breath after a drink or two just… because…? (sidenote: you should probably see a dentist).  But ANYWAY, chew a piece of gum (cinnamon to be specific… you’re welcome) .  It’s tasty and fresh!
 
2.  When kissing, don’t slobber all over her mouth and most importantly, don’t stick your tongue in her mouth and have it just lie there like a dead eel.  Trust me: bad kisser is a major #dealbreaker. 

Gross. Just stop. Go home.

3.  Don’t be cocky.  If you really are that cute, we will notice… no need to TELL US or try to act like we are LUCKY to have your attention.  Because in reality, you are lucky that we are willing to even listen to your bullshit “hit-on” lines.  In life, you should always be modest- its helps you maintain your job, your friends and the girl you’re trying to take home that night.

So, follow these simple rules and we reassure you that your New Year’s will end up like this:

BEST. New Year’s. Ever

HAPPY NEW YEAR JOONIES!  We <3 you!

SEE YOU IN 2012!

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

FACEBOOK US

LOVE ALWAYS,

THE S&F TEAM

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