My Ass Is So Smart

Hi joonies,

Three day weekends bring meaning to my life. I was very fortunate to be able to go see Salman Rushdie speak tonight — hilarious guy, especially when he talked about “fucking”– but he definitely didn’t turn me on.  Instead, he got me thinking about all the awkward sex moments I’ve had. (badbakht)

Not every sexual experience is going to be the toe-curling, hair pulling, crazy/amazing kind of sex.

The kind of sex that you spend the rest of the week fantasizing about because it was just that great. 

Sometimes sex with someone ends up being one of those memories you cringe at every time you think about it — the kind of sex where you wake up the next day like “ughhh fuck.”

Not that I’ve had a LOT of sex or anything (because I’m a virgin… obviously), but I’ve definitely learned a few valuable lessons along the road to successful sex/oral.

Sex it up

1.  CLOSE YOUR EYES. (applies to oral mostly). 

Personally, I don’t have experience with this, but that’s because I’m lucky that people like to give details (no matter how well they know me– awkward moments brings people together).  I’ve been lucky to learn from THEIR mistakes.

And I’m mostly grateful because not only, does this sound weird and kind of gross, but it shit supposedly hurts too.

I’ve come to realize that guys can’t really direct their fluids on where to go.  Sure, they can move their doodool-tala to the side if they’re thinking ahead.  But how many guys actually think ahead?  And if you’re not really down with the whole excess protein in your mouth thing, then you probably jerk your head off the tip the second you hear, “I’m gonna come.” (let’s hope they give you the warning).

Listen, semen can seriously fly sometimes.  I mean, it can shoot up high and if you’re not careful, it can get in your eye.

Be prepared.  And protect the part of your face that allows you to see. [Read more…]

Orgasm Much?

Hey joonies, hope you all had a wonderful weekend.  We wanted to start this week off with a special post by our new, infamous contributor… JAMES BOND:

.I wanted to start this post off by telling you the Wikipedia definition of sex:  “Sex is a process of combining and mixing genetic traits, often resulting in the specialization of organisms into a male or female variety.”  I’m just going to keep it real:

the point of having sex is to orgasm

(which is the most beautiful and amazingly pleasurable feeling in the world.  And if you can’t relate to this, then that really sucks for you).

Now let me tell you the Iranian girl’s definition of sex: “SEX is holy like the Bible/Quran. SEX is an insurance policy: it protects your relationship (for some time).” So basically these girls think that as long as you have the insurance policy (sex), you will have a MAN in your miserable life.  Of course, until SHIT HITS THE FAN, and even then- the “sex insurance policy” will not keep him from leaving your psycho ass.

I love Persian girls. They are the most beautiful CREATURES in the world.  You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. Iranian girls are the most complicated, complex, convoluted, puzzling females species to walk this planet. I guess girls in general fit this profile, but when it comes to sex specifically, Iranian girls are the most complicated/puzzling.

For your benefit, I have categorized them into 3 types based on a low to high percentage:

1) First we have the Bronze Category or 3rd place (which in my opinion doesn’t cover a high percentage of Iranian girls, but unfortunately they do exist).  GET READY, DRUM ROLL, and ACTION:

They are saving their vaginas for marriage.

innocent little virgins.

Ok… “WHAT the FUCKKKKK?!!”  I have never understood these type of girls and unfortunately, I do know a few of them so you know I am not talking out of my ASS/KOOON. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what goes on in their head.  I would like to say a CRAPPP-LOAD of nonsense.  Look, by the time you are married, lets say you are in your late 20s and you’ve been waiting your whole life to have sex.  By the time you are actually going to enjoy it and not feel the virgin penis pain, GOD knows where your relationship stands.

I believe that a happy, healthy and comforting relationship has a lot to do with GOOD sex- I’m going to say… at least 40% of your relationship relies on sex.   Therefore, when you are so desperate for marriage and don’t have any sexual experience then chances are… before your sex life finally gets good (or at least up to par and calm down women, I ain’t talkin’ like pornstar sex), your relationship is probably going to be miserable, unhappy, sad, sorrowful, and a bit depressing (no one wants to fuck a girl who just sits on top of you looking scared). So yes, this is the first group Iranian girls.  Don’t worry guys, they only cover less than 10% of the Iranian girl population (thank fucking God).

2) Next is my favorite group of Iranian girls (or girls in general): the SILVER Category or 2nd place.

These girls LOVE and ENJOY every minute of sexual intercourse

she knows what she wants.

INCLUDING (but not limited to): ORGASMS/EJACULATION, HOT SEX, blow jobs, 69, DAWWGGYYY STYLE (not trying to be too graphic, but I just needed to make my point). They aren’t saving their prideful virginity for marriage or some other type of “fairytale” miracle.  They have sex to orgasm because they know how fucking awesome it is.  I really don’t need to elaborate much with this category- its pretty self-explanatory and fabulous.  They are out there… but unfortunately, I’d say its only another 10% of the Iranian female population that belongs to this category.

3) DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. and now I’ll let Bruce Buffer will do the honor: “Last but not least is the GOLD Category or 1st place.  Now the “Gold” girls are the most interesting, fascinating and complex species out of all the Iranian girl categories.  I get excited when I talk about this particular group of Irooni girls.

They are insecure and very desperate for a relationship.

THESE are the girls who view sex as an “insurance policy…” to keep them in the relationship.

Please stay with me.

How SAD and MISERABLE!  And sadly, a high percentage of the female species belong to this group, but today I’m only covering the Iranian portion of it. Personally, I consider myself a GIVER, which basically means that I’m all about giving pleasure (not to anyone)  So when you are having sex JUST to “insure” your relationship- this means that the LAST thing you are thinking about is having an orgasm.  All you are focusing on is keeping your man.  This is the most disgusting/unheard thing I’ve ever seen girls do.  YES, I AM BITTER AND DISGUSTED because the only reason anyone should ever engage in 69’ing or DAAAWWGYYY style (minus the view) is to have a fucking orgasm.

Don’t just do it to make sure your boyfriend sticks around– just because you haven’t had an orgasm doesn’t mean you can’t.  It just means you haven’t figured out the right position, or the right move.  And yes “JOONIES”– a guy canNOT give you an orgasm until you know how it has to be done FOR YOU… we all need a little guidance here and there.

I get it.  I know you want to make sure you get MARRIED at the right age …. or whatever else excuse you have for sticking with your sex-confused partner… but

YOU ARE SO DESPERATE TO BE WITH A POTENTIAL HUSBAND THAT YOU SACRIFICING AN ORGASM AND AN ULTIMATELY HAPPY/HONEST RELATIONSHIP.

This is absolutely the most repulsive category and unfortunately, it comprises about 80% of our Persian girl population.

Lastly, Iranian girls, I’m going to leave you with a few words of #wisdom: having an orgasm is amazing, its the peak pleasure of sex, its like an explosion inside your body.  It feels great and yeah, it might take awhile till you get there- but once you do… it feels like you have absolutely no control of your body for that one moment (but in a good way).

And EVEN BETTER:  it cures things like tension, stress, and acne- THAT’S RIGHT! 

So please, get out of your miserable none orgasmic relationship and have ENJOYABLE sex- WITH orgasms.  Experience the most amazing feeling in the WORLD.  And for God’s sake, at least accept the fact that BLOW JOBS or GETTING EATEN OUT is not “gross.”  Honestly, its like the appetizer to the main course: the ORGASM.

Trust me it will help you reach the peak pleasure of SEX quicker.

Disagree?  Do you REALLY think its worth being in an “orgasm-less” relationship?  TELL ME WHY:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Later bitches,

James Bond جیمز باند
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