Dating the Forbidden Fruit

As long as I can remember, my parents have told me that the guy I want to marry has to be successful, but really all Persian parents say that.

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When I got to college I was pretty done with putting effort into dating. Then of course when I least expected it, or really even wanted it, a boy came around who was a little crazy over me. I was (as most Iranian girls are) super stand-offish, I just didn’t really want to waste my time on some guy who didn’t fit my parents criteria, and more importantly MINE.

I basically interrogated this poor guy for a week, asking him everything from what his ambitions were to what his parent’s careers were-  they have to come from a good family right? Well turns out this guy wants to become a doctor, and to top it off his dad is a doctor, and to make matters even better-  he was such an extreme gentleman.

Yeah don’t worry something went real wrong real quick.

I’m an Iranian Bahá’i, and drum roll please… he was a half White half Egyptian Arab Muslim.

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Honestly was the universe trying to ruin my life?

Here is where it goes even further south, I’m not even religious. Around the age of 16 I just kind of figured out that this whole religion thing was not for me. I would attend Bahá’í gatherings for my grandmother’s sake, but really I was pretty disconnected from it all at that point. As I got even older I was completely over it! I have no strife with the Bahá’í Faith.

I actually think it’s pretty cool, but I just didn’t believe it in my heart or any other religion…

so I chose to stop faking it.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to break it to this guy that Arabs and Iranians have a not so good history, and Bahá’ís are being killed by Muslims as we speak. The icing on the cake was we left Iran because of religious persecution. You can only imagine how my parents were going to take the news. But what could I do? He is a genuinely amazing guy that happens to partake in Ramadan, and has Qurans around his house.

Well now I’m stuck…

I’m dating the forbidden fruit, for over a year to be exact.

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My parents like him, but they’re terrified for my future and rightfully so considering their experiences with Arabs and Muslims has been just about every synonym of AWFUL. But I love this guy, yeah I said love, but how many of our parents have married the people they love? They just picked a khastegar (suitor), not the love of their life.

It’s old school of me to say love doesn’t always triumph…

there are enough problems in marriage should our religion be one of them?

HELP OUR JOONIE OUT.

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20 Things Persian Moms Don’t Like

In honor of Mother’s day, we’re going to list everything that has our Persian moms saying..

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1.  When you make fun of their english…

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2. When you talk back…

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3. When you bring people over unannounced…

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4. When you eat things before they offer it to you at a mehmooni

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5. When you don’t say “Salaam” or “Khodahafez” to every single person at a mehmooni

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6. When you call them out on their gossiping…

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7. When you don’t eat the food they cook..

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8. When other moms brag about their children..

michelle obama

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9. When you tell them they can be embarrassing sometimes…

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10. When you don’t share all your secrets…

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11. When you ask for ‘space’…

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12. When you forget your manners, in general

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13. When you don’t clean your room…

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14. When you don’t listen to them because you’re distracted by your phone/computer/TV…

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15. When you don’t formally offer up everything in the fridge and pantry to your friends…

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16. When you don’t answer 7 out of the 10 calls they make to you daily…

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17. When you get frustrated over the phone just because they’re asking if you ate all your fruits and veggies…

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18. When you try to teach them the politically correct way to refer to minorities…

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19. When you forget that they’re your best friend…

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20. When you forget Mother’s Day…

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What else would you add to this list?

Laws of Attraction

Check out this awesome guest post by Egyptian hottie Mona!

Picture this scenario: you meet a guy; he’s good looking, comes from a good family, is nice, well-rounded, gets nicer expressions from your mother than you do and even passes the braying interrogations of your older brother.

There is only one problem: you don’t feel it.

 Last week, in the most random of all moves, a very old friend of mine decided to ask me to marry him. Yes, marry him. As I was getting over the shock and figuring out a way to articulate the idea that he was just a friend, my family proceeded to sit me down for a terribly long lecture about “compatibility.” My sister for one, decided to break down the whole thing into interview questions to prove the point. Do you trust him?

Do you find him interesting?

Yes, yes, but not so interesting I’ll consider being with him.

boredPerhaps some time ago, I could have entertained the idea. I have known the guy forever. We get along well, talk about many things and are able to have relatively sane political discussions. For all I used to know, I could have tried to see how things could work out.

Except that at the same time this situation was brewing, I met someone else that turned my ideals upside down. [Read more...]

Newton’s Third Law of Motion

Hola,

After reading Holly’s last post “Do I have it all?  I was really inspired to self-reflect on my own view of marriage, relationships, and career aspirations. Exactly one year ago, I would have read that post–with my very favorite Lady Gaga quote — and I would’ve been raising my hand, sayin’ “Preach girl!. Dreams over D’s anyday.  Now, I’m not so sure I’m a believer.

After watching a lot of The Big Bang Theory, I think I’ve found a scientific way to express myself (Note: I almost failed Physics in high schoo) Remember Newton’s Laws of Motion?  I only remember one.

“For Every Action There is an Equal and Opposite Reaction”

And while this is true with everything that feels the pull of gravity, it is actually completely false in the world of relationships.  Part of that is obvious– if you love your man, chances are he doesn’t hate you back.

But the point is, you can love someone, and they may not love you back equally. They may not love you at all.

See how that violates physics? It is counter-intuitive, and completely out of our control. It is as if you pushed a door in, but the door pushed back with double the force– or with none at all (in both cases, you would be injured). I wish my boyfriend would like me as much as I like him, but chances are the perfect state of equilibrium… does not exist. And that is scary, and it makes both people vulnerable. 

I think women fear the inequality that’s inevitable with emotional reciprocity.

Its a mouthful, and it may not even make sense but let me break it down:

I don’t think women fear waking up to a man that doesn’t love them anymore. They fear waking up to a partner that does not feel the same way. And the knowledge that they can’t do anything about it.

A pink slip at work will never feel like the moment someone says, “I’m not in love with you”, and since that is true, a professional goal can never heal a personal injury.  [Read more...]

I Have A Little Problem…

I have felt fat and imperfect since I was about 7.

I can trace it back to the moment when my mom started discussing my weight and how I was pudgy with our doorman in Iran. Iranians don’t ever shy away from making extremely blunt comments:

“You look a bit fat, have you thought of losing weight?”

“Maybe you should start taking care of your mustache, you aren’t a kid anymore.”

“That haircut makes you look old for your age.”

We have all heard it at some point.

But this moment never really left me, and from then on my body, what I ate, and how I looked became a dominant thought in my head. When my mom asked my best friend’s mom, who was a nutritionist, how I could lose weight at 13 — When constant comments were made about why is it that I just can’t have a tighter stomach. There was a constant voice in my head about my imperfect weight.

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I started throwing up after binge eating in my last year of high school. I thought of it as damage control. I can throw up the food that I would accidentally binge eat. It wouldn’t happen that often, mainly because I ended up going on a self-imposed strict diet of only fruits and vegetables for 3 months.

When college started I was determined not to gain the freshman 15. Outside of my bulimia, I’m a very healthy eater. People think that you can only binge on unhealthy foods, I’ve binged on all kinds of food and thrown it up, unhealthy food is just easier to throw up. I didn’t think about this as a problem for a long time. Again, it was a form of damage control. I would get stressed, I would drink, or I would be mindless and end up binge eating. Then, when I realized what I had done, I would go and take care of it.

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There is a wonderfully sick feeling of emptying yourself, a sense of relief and victory. I never considered asking myself why it was that I was binge eating, or why was it that I felt the need to binge to a certain point to make myself throw up. As college continued, my stress continued, and my body issues expanded. There was only so much I could control at times. And this form of “damage control” was effective and immediate.

It wasn’t until last year when I recognized my little problem, when I actually gave it a name and called it bulimia. [Read more...]

Ipaneema Goes For 10 Hours

Hi.

This is Ipaneema.

If his name sounds familiar, its because we interviewed him awhile back…when he liked bitches who didn’t text back. Now he likes bitches who use emojis.

He makes music he loves.

Like this track, a remix of The Fray’s You Found Me. What do you get when you add Reggae + Dubstep + Electronic, and dashes of Justin Timberlake?

Eargasms. (Download, for multiple eargasms)

One time when Ipaneema was DJing in Santa Barbara…

Can you find the Persian?

Can you find the Persian?

After 10 hours straight, he fell asleep on the turntables…

#dedication

#dedication

Last time, I raved about his rack city mix, this time his new sounds are RETRO– 1980’s Disco song “FunkyTown” will never be the same.

This is a song they’d play at a modern day Studio 54.  I mean, hot disco pants have already made a comeback, right?

Ipaneema, Take us to Funkytown.

hit download

Wanna keep up with the Neemz? Like him on Facebook

Wanna hear more?  Sounds here on Soundcloud

Wanna date him? Write him @IpaneemaMusic

XX,

THE S&F TEAM

I’ll Have Seconds… And Thirds

Joonies,

I slept until 3 pm today.  Yeah… that’s right – I slept for over 12 hours and I was disgusted with myself for doing that.  So I went to the gym to make up for it – and rewarded myself with a nice big dinner.  Naturally. Well-played Sunday if you ask me.

I had a good weekend – spent it with friends – we went out to a fancy bar (oxymoron) last night and just spent the night dancing, flirting with boys (me), and … then me watching them make out with their boyfriends. Riveting.

I’m really lucky with my group of friends – they’re sweet, caring, always there for each other, good cooks (obviously that’s on my list of criteria), and we all have different types when it comes to guys… for the most part.

I like Persian, and they like everything else – which is a blessing because if that wasn’t the case, we would have a hard time meeting the “Girl Code.”

Girl Code: Never hook up with a friend’s ex-boyfriend/fling.

And I’m a big believer in that. I think friends are more important than getting fancy with a guy that they used to date… and frankly, there are enough fish in the sea where there just shouldn’t be an overlap.

Personally, I would feel uncomfortable if my close friend was f#cking my ex – not because of “principle,” but because… that’s just weird if your friend dates someone you have history with.

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Think about it – when you’re in a relationship, you share a certain degree of intimacy with your significant other.  Not just sex, but the emotions that sometimes come with it. How would you feel if your friend was sharing that same feeling with someone that made you feel a certain way?

I will never date someone my friend once did — not because it’s wrong, but because it brings awkwardness to a whole new level. [Read more...]

Persian Girl Gone Wild.

Saaghi here. Its hard to follow after Maz/Jimmy Vestvood, but I’m going to try.

I worked an 18 hour day yesterday, and so tonight, I came home and got high. Loner stoner is not my usual thing- actually never–but Ive discovered  a new level stress thanks to my job. Its even giving me bad dreams, like last night–

I had a nightmare that my Persian Dad found out that I write for Sex& Fessenjoon. And he wouldn’t speak to me, even as I pleaded while balling me eyes out.

I woke up feeling just as sad as I was in my dream, but confused why it affected me so much?

For me, #SEXANDFESSENJOON is all about thinking twice about all that you’ve always been told is wrong, or zesht (dirty, looked down on, ugly, etc).  And partially,

its about defending my right to get high in my underwear, by myself, after work–as a Persian girl.

Or my right to have sex outside of a relationship.

Or even my right to be INAPPROPRIATE.

Cause lets be real, there are too many fucking rules.

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My confession though– Some rules only make sense after your break them. 

Especially the ones that you break over and over again. [Read more...]

I’m Coco Chanel

Hey hey joons,

Looks like I owe you all an apology too – for being MIA.  But I’ve been AT work … as in haven’t come home in the past five days.  Man, the real world is not a joke.  Badbakhty keshidim.  (just kidding – love my job, even when it requires me to be serious for five minutes). 

And as you can imagine – being MIA really just means that I have a LOT to tell you all.  I’ve been trying a few new things lately – going to new restaurants, hiking (or just walking a lot), going to the gym, and even dating more seriously (sex is so overrated – LOL I can’t even say that with a serious face).

I’ve always been very closed off when it comes to dating guys seriously.  Most of the time, I just start to feel claustrophobic after awhile because I feel like a guy can keep me from opportunities (unfair — and analysis for a later time). 

Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air

But I recognize that flaw in myself and I’ve been trying to overcome it.  Clearly, I’m not doing very well.  I started dating someone in the summer and almost immediately, we branded ourselves with the title (boyfriend/girlfriend).  Not something I’m usually into – but for the sake of being more “open-minded,” I thought #LEGGO.

In the past two-three months, I got a crash course in what a “relationship” really is.

Being someone’s girlfriend comes with a lot of responsibility.  You can’t just tell someone they’re your boyfriend and call it a day.

That’s the problem — when you jump into something, you don’t really realize that there are standards you have to fulfill until it’s too late.

Calling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend after only a few weeks is a desperate act to ensure they won’t sleep with or kiss anyone else while you’re dating them.

You can’t just brand someone with a title because you want them all to yourself. [Read more...]

Not thug life, but the Double Life.

Happy Tuezday.

Here’s something that made my week: the fact that my friends want me to dress up as Bert for Halloween. My question is,

Which Persian girl puts on a unibrow, voluntarily?

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I thought bad eyebrows were like bad noses, you get rid of them and deny deny deny you ever had one? Or is the UNI in now? Someone fill me in.

Anyway, my grandparents were in town for awhile, all the way from eeRAN, and aside from lots of lavashak and pistachios, they bring a suitcase full of “Naseehat” (guidance from elders).

The problem with that is, I hate NASEEHAT. I’m comfortable enough with my parents to stop them before they get ahead with all their ‘guidance’ lectures–‘Dad, the decibel level of your voice annoys me‘. But with my grandparents, I can’t be so direct. I have to swallow my pride, and smile, and nod–as if I’m actually going to take what they say into consideration.

Do you see how immature and stubborn I am?

But, in my defense, as I’ve… aged… I’ve gotten better at identifiying the ‘GOOD Naseehat‘ from the ‘OBNOXIOUS Naseehat’. Especially now that I’m out on my own, with my own bills and finances and Adult-ness,

I know I can’t learn everything the hard way– cause if I do, it’ll end with bad credit, a mug shot, and an ‘I TOLD YOU SO’. [Read more...]

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