I Am Dashing Like Storm

Our guest blogger tonight is, Ayesha – a Pakistani woman – who not only has a lot of opinions, but she’s not afraid to share them. Get ready for a (necessary) reality check. Enjoy!

Hey joons,

As of recently, my mother has gone on a “shadi brigade” [wedding bandwagon]. She is worried that her eldest daughter is beyond her age of getting married.

Basically I am dinosaur old in Pakistani years, but biologically I am just 25.

My mother thinks that after “letting” me having my own way in life [me running away from home and doing my own thing wasn’t my own choice apparently, in her opinion], she wants to impose the regular brown life on me. According to her, its about time I followed the natural course of action aka get hitched to some brown dude and reproduce his spawn. [ew ew ew]

wedding

Though I have tried endlessly to explain to her that I am not really a typical kid and the whole idea is nothing but disastrous. It just seems all of my reasoning falls on deaf ears.

Here is why I am an unfit bride:

1. I do not want kids:

My youngest sister was 5yrs old when I was 19. I have been a second mom to my siblings and there is no way I am doing this all over again. I am done with parenting and baby drama and I honestly, don’t want to be a human incubator.

2. I cant be a housewife:

I live on my own, I work, I volunteer in the community, I do my own shit.

Pak/brown dudes are like man-childs because their mamas would act as housemaids for their grown ass – even when they turn 60. Women are considered to be born for “certain” roles, so if you don’t follow that “role” you are doomed. [Read more…]

What Will You Give Me?

JOONIES!

Happy Monday… more importantly, T-4 TILL FRIDAY.  Yeah, Fridays are my favorite.

Leeet’s get right to it.  This is something I’ve been thinking about/bothered by for awhile now… I used to think it was just in my head until I had a conversation with a friend recently who’s slightly older than me.  She’s in her late-20’s and single.  NOTHING wrong with that, ya dig?  But in Persian standards, that is the epitome of torshideh.

Our culture thrives on this notion that if a woman isn’t married before she hits 28 then she is somehow incapable.

Doesn’t look so torshideh to me.

[Read more…]

Where’s Your Boyfriend At?

Happy Monday!

We have a guest post from a very frustrated reader, who can’t seem to get her Persian family to understand the concept of “My Dating Life is Personal, Stop Talking about it over Ghormeh Sabzi“. 

Enjoy!

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For the most part, middle easterners like to embrace extremes; there really is no middle ground. Take dating for example: somewhere between high school and college, parents go from “You vill NEVER e-speak to a boy” to “Where the –hell- are your khastegars (suitors)?” Who knows, maybe there is mental shift somewhere near the 20th birthday of their daughters, but parents tend to get crazy and suddenly start taking a little TOO much interest in dating life.

My first Thanksgiving back from college, my grandmother and great aunt sat me down for a serious conversation.

This consisted of the most uncomfortable hour of my life, where the serious matter of my lack of dating life was discussed: I was given tips on how to make men interested in me, and want to marry me.

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[Read more…]

Time to crash the Pity Party

Hey joonjoons,

Welcome to bitch-sesh.

For some of us (the lucky ones) the topic of marriage isn’t even mentioned in our household until after high school. Unless of course, you visit your grandmother in Iran and you have a new khastegar (suitor) every week… um sorry but that should really be called, “Hi, I’d like to use you for your visa.”

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Regardless, for many of us- the best accomplishment we can achieve is not attending law school or medical school (that’s for the boys, didn’t you know?), but it’s to FIND a husband that IS in medical/law school. Someone who can take care of us while we stay at home or work part time (don’t forget, bachelor’s degree is still required)… AND take care of the precious children… AND have some type of delicious khoresht on the table when our money-making hubby gets home from work (yumm Fessenjoon).

This is where my family is different. Obviously, they put a huge emphasis on family — because that’s just how every Iranian rolls. But I was taught to be independent: go to school, get a job, go to grad school, be self sustainable ALL before getting married.

So you can imagine my surprise when all of my college friends (literally… 5/8 from our former drunk ass group) ended up getting married in their early 20s (shocker: none of them are Iranian). Don’t get me wrong- I was more than happy for them because that is what they wanted.

Until one says, “AWW don’t worry Farrah, you’ll find someone soon too.”

Excuse me? I’m sorry, but I didn’t realize that I had some sticker on my forehead that reads, “NEED. HUSBAND. NOW.”

Marriage, let alone having KIDS?! I’m good off that (for now), thank you. I’m still selfish enough where I don’t want to have to make compromises because of my family. I want to pursue my goals without the guilt of missing my daughter’s school play. (UGH- “my daughter-“ even that sounds gross).

Fact of the matter is, everyone is different. We all have different beliefs and needs. Whether I CHOOSE to get married now or later is MYdecision and I don’t deserve to be treated differently because of it.

Married people- whether they are Persian, White, Black- WHATEVER, instantly think that single people have this perpetual curse: “Oh she’s 25 and single?! Hmm badbakht…” They give you that so called “symPATHETIC” look when you say that you are in your TWENTIES and single.

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Now that’s not a pretty picture.

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“NO BITCH- IT’S MY CHOICE… I CHOOSE TO STAY SINGLE (or un-married) because I have OTHER priorities in my life.”

Since when did being self sustainable become SECONDARY to marriage? It definitely isn’t for men… and that just isn’t the way it should be for YOUNG WOMEN.

And boys- I bet you’re reading this thinking “girls are crazy when it comes to marriage” but we all know the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You know that as your friends start to get married, you panic too because let’s be real- no one wants to be that creepy 35 year old in the club sleazing on the young girls.

So to all you married beezies out there- I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU that you were able to find someone that not only, SUPPORTS but motivates you to be the best that you can be.

Truly, that’s a gift, but so is my job.

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Thanks gaga, for keeping it real.

But while you think you have your life figured out- just remember that I AM NOT YOU- so save the fucking pity party invite.

And hey- worst case scenario- if I’m 40 (yes 40… not 25… or 35) and SINGLE, then all I gotta do is hit up my native country (Iran) and I’ll have my husband faster than you can count to 25 ;)

Are you single & proud? Or are you waiting for mr. right?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Single and Fabulously yours,

Farrah فراه

ATTN JAMES BOND: AM I WORTH AN ORGASM?

Dearest joonies, 

Thanks to your constant support through sharing our posts, commenting and sending emails- we decided it would only be fair to give you a voice too.  In addition to our monthly guest contributors, we are going to post reactions written by loyal readers to our most controversial posts.  Two nights ago, James Bond pushed the envelope when he dared to categorize US into “types.” Tonight, NAZANIN (name changed for confidentiality) tells it like it is.  Enjoy: 

Immediately after I read “James Bond’s” bullshit analysis on Persian girls and sex, I thought: what is he talking about? I enjoy sex! I have no problem talking about it! There is nothing wrong with Persian girls and sex.

But then again, he poses a very valid point to which I’d like to respond- what stops Persian girls from falling into the silver category? (see: Bond’s medal guide to female sexuality)

Because women are not allowed to be sexual beings.

Even when we are, we get labeled as whores and God forbid we become demanding in the bedroom because then we are just kinky bitches. For generations women have been given messages of being classy and “khanoom” and everyone knows no “khanoom” ever talks about sex, let alone enjoys it (I can feel my great grandmothers turning in their graves). And here is why:

Throughout history women are ‘sexualized’  in a pretty negative way. Great kings had harems of women that they used purely for sexual reasons. Even today the leaders of the world are constantly messing around having a wife, girlfriend and an escort on the side. In Iran it’s still legal to have more than one wife, and believe it or not MANY men actually DO! Furthermore, most of our grandmothers were married between the ages of 9-18, some didn’t even know what a menstrual cycle is (some still don’t bichareha) but they popped out anywhere from 2-15 kids. I am pretty sure the way it happened was the man climbed on top of her, did his thing, and got off, and she had no idea what was happening.
Women were never told that they were more than baby-making machines, or that they were worth anything, let alone, an ORGASM.
Women were never told that they were worthy and valuable human beings, capable of being something great. GOD forbid anyone ever say that because then we get called feminists.
So I am either a whore or a feminist. Grrrreat.
On top of it all we have something called “the flower” aka your virginity, which is so valuable that men pay 10-20 times more to sleep with a virgin geisha than the non virgin ones. Let me tell you a story about my life:

A few years after graduating college, I was hooked up by a family member and began dating an Irooni boy who was the ultimate dream come true for all Iranian parents: A surgeon! But I was just not feeling it. I told my family, and the attacks started: “Vat? Who do you tink you are? You tink you are so great? He is too good for you!” I was nothing, he was everything, and I began to believe it.

During one of our first dates he told me that he thought “purity” was important. “Purity? You mean virginity?” I asked and he said “Yeah…that. If a Persian girl is not pure before marriage, then there is something deeply wrong with her and family.”  He went on to say that white women can get away with it because of their “savage culture.” But an Iranian “khanoom” knows better than to let anyone but her husband put his hand into her cookie jar.  I wasn’t a total slut in college but I had my share of “sexploring…” (uh oh).

No shame in that.

Finally I told him that I wasn’t a virgin and his reaction was so intense that I felt like he was going to come to my door with the rest of the villagers and make me wear a scarlet “S” for “Slut” on my chest. I started crying and suddenly, I was APOLOGIZING to him for not being a virgin. I felt like yeah, no one else will want me now. I am tainted. I am worthless. He finished the conversation by saying that if he told his parents, they would never let us get married but he loves me so much that he is willing to look past this huge imperfection of mine.

Needless to say I eventually broke up with him, but it wasn’t easy. I dealt with so much anger and frustration from my family, especially when the news of my “impurity” got out to my parents. For months after that I prayed to God asking for His forgiveness for letting a man other than my husband touch me. I bargained– “Please let me get through this hard time and I swear I will not let another man touch me unless he is my husband.”

A lot of Iranian families who are more traditional have these views, here and all over the world. There is just something wrong with keeping these old traditions alive in an age where sexuality is explored and treasured. There is something wrong with the message we send Iranian girls that their worth is based in their virginity. Sex becomes this huge monster most women want to ignore, let alone have fun doing it. So every time that girl goes and has sex, she comes home and scrubs herself so hard in the shower that she bleeds. While we live in a world where women are given these messages and they internalize and believe them, NOTHING will change.

she may be an ugly feminist, but she has a point.

My value as a woman is not based on my virginity. My worth is not in my sexuality.

I am a strong, independent, good woman and I do not need to prove my worth because I AM ALREADY WORTHY. I can take charge of my sexuality and do what I want with it, and hell yes I will enjoy sex and be demanding of what I want from my lover. I will not allow society or tradition dictate my worth.

So James Bond, I can’t wait to see what you try to come up with next:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Love,

Nazanin نازنین

Don’t say the D word

Hiii joonjoons,

We decided that tonight we would take a little break from the SEX and BLOW JOBS- keeping shock value at a minimum ;)

Growing up, my parents were the epitome of Iranian parents & “poz-dadan” (show-off) .

My mom had a BOMB ass home cooked meal ready on the table by the time my dad got home from work every night.  They had an active social life going to mehmoonis (parties) on a regular basis and spending hours talking to their friends about what the fuck that one bitch was wearing at the last one (obvs- more so mom than dad).  On the outside, they were the perfect couple.  Happy, loving… bullshit.

Fake love is everywhere– Zac’s gay (sorry ladies).

The second we would get back into the car to go home from the mehmooni, the bickering started.  My mom would bitch at my dad and my dad would ignore her causing her to get more agitated.  It wasn’t until high school, when the fighting really started getting out of hand.  Nightly dinners were still prepared, but we ate in silence or rather… I ate in silence while my parents yelled at each other.  My mother being the typical Peeersian drama queen would yell, talk shit and throw things, while my dad just sat there and took it.  Luckily, my brother was too young to remember these times.  But I wasn’t.  I remember.

Dueling it out….kids in the car.

For the longest time, I fantasized about the day when my mom (or dad) would grow some balls and either work their issues out or just call it quits.  I remember eavesdropping on my mother’s phone conversations to her family in Iran where she would emphasize, “No, I’m absolutely not happy- I want to kill him.  I am only staying with him for my kids.”  BIGGEST BULLSHIT STATEMENT EVER.

Don’t ever think that KIDS are stupid enough to not know what’s going on. Don’t think that kids are stupid enough to believe that its normal for parents to fight. And most importantly, don’t think kids are stupid enough to not feel the tension that fills the room even when parents pretend like everything is normal.

We aren’t stupid.

OK minus him, he might be a little stupid. Akheyy

I was 16 years old when I asked my mom to divorce my dad.

I was tired of the yelling.  I was tired of dreading to have to leave school and go back to the house of hell.  But even more so- I didn’t want my little brother to have grow up with angry, bitter parents like I did.  Whether some parents realize it or not (or most often– later rather than sooner), their actions towards one another sets an example: My parent’s horrible relationship would have only taught my brother that “Yes, it is okay to talk to your wife like that” and “Yes, marriage is just a contract, you don’t have to respect each other.”

Of course, after my family owned up to their issues and decided to do what IS best for their kids (the D word), it set off the gossip stream throughout the Iranian community.  Some of my mother’s closest friends shunned her (Ten years later, I’m still disgusted). Their response?

“How can you leave him? What are YOU going to do?”

And worst of all, people chose sides and it was rarely my mother’s side that was chosen.  I was so MAD when I saw the way her so-called FRIENDS treated her after the divorce until I realized one thing:

#wisdom

It took several years before my parent’s Persian “friends” were able to act normal with them. And the FUNNIEST PART was my mother started a trend within our little Persian community.  At least three other families who didn’t have the balls to own up to their issues ended up getting divorced (or “legally separated” aka divorce without the commitment) after my parents did.

The Iranian community puts a huge emphasis on family, but:

why can’t we still be a happy, functioning family even if our parents aren’t together?

My father stepped up in ways he had never stepped up before the divorce.  He actually started to make an effort to be PRESENT in both my life and my brother’s.  Not just that, my relationship improved tremendously with both my parents after they broke up.  Its almost a similar concept as having sex before marriage:

sometimes tradition isn’t RIGHT.

Everyone leads different lives and its up to us to be able to be strong enough to roll with the punches and make the right decisions.  (And no, “right decision” does not mean what your mother or “God” told you, it means: what makes YOU happy).

An Award-winning film that deals with the ‘D’ word: less melodrama, and more REALISM.

A Separation

 

Are you going to go after what you believe in or are you going to shun me because I do? Let us know- we loooove hearing from our precious joonies:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Here’s to bashing tradition,

Farrah فراه
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