I’ve always viewed vulnerability as a weakness. Another way for someone to walk all over you… hurt you… take advantage of you. To me, strength had nothing to do with the physical. It was all about your mentality - no one can touch you.
As a result, I’ve distanced myself from many relationships, specifically romantic relationships. I thought that to be a strong woman, you must never give someone the power to hurt you – especially a man.
And I’ve never been more wrong.
When one of my past relationships ended things with me a few years ago, I was so angry at myself. I was angry because I had depended on him, I allowed myself to open up and show him a real side of me. Post-breakup, it felt like he had some sort of power of me… he knew me like no one else did and that made him the most powerful man to stand over me. I vowed to never be in that situation again and it took me a long time to forgive myself (and really all men) for having to deal with that pain in the first place.
Three years later, I look back at the relationships I’ve had since and I can’t help but think that none of them have had any depth or realness to them.
I’m always looking for new experiences, but only if its on my terms.
And frankly, all that tells me now is that I’m just plain scared.
The inability to be vulnerable is the equivalent of being fearful. I may as well stay home because I don’t have the guts to go and put myself out there – and there’s nothing that shouts WEAKNESS quite like that.
For my “new beginnings,” I want to learn how to be vulnerable. I want to lose the fear of having my heart broken because without heartbreak, you never learn. You never grow as a person and your dating life never expands to a wider range of men/experiences (you just keep going back to the same thing especially when you don’t have any past mistakes to learn from).
I’ve made mistakes but I’ve shielded myself from the pain of it by not letting myself feel too much. I truly can’t think of a more cowardly move than that.
To be vulnerable is to be strong.
So here’s to a year of learning how to be damn vulnerable.
TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON