Wonder Bread Addiction

My first crush, at five, was John Smith. Yes, I’m talking about John Smith from Pocahontas. The first person I wanted to marry was Harrison Ford- I used to watch Indiana Jones movies obsessively. After realizing that the last 5 guys I had dated/hooked up with were all white, light hair, with light eyes, it dawned on me:

I have a soft spot for the white dudes.

My Irooni friends constantly make fun of me for my tendency for the blonde, blue-eyed dudes, one even calls it my “wonder bread addiction.” What makes white boys (aka “wonderbread”) fun to date compared to Persian guys?

1.  They are attracted to you:

Everyone wants to feel special, when your culture and background is something a guy doesn’t know about, suddenly there is a lot more he can ask and get to know about you.

Mundane things, like talking to your mom over the phone in Farsi about a doctor’s appointment, will sound sexy to a guy who has no idea what you are saying.

Teaching him about your culture, introducing him to Iranian food, and talking about different traditions is a fun way to get to know someone. Feeling desired and special is a huge turn on (and a bit addictive), and if a guy respects you enough to learn about you and your culture, then why not use it to have fun?

2· No Drama:

Persian Girls get a bad rep for having gossip and drama ridden lives. Why don’t we ever talk about all the gossip that happens between Persian guys? From having their egos bruised easily, to getting into feuds with friends over ridiculous things. No thank you.

3· Can you relax?

I’m a pretty laid back girl, I don’t need to go to fancy restaurants or clubs to have a good time. While some Persian guys will throw a fit if their water doesn’t have ice, American guys can just relax. Want to go camping? They will take you camping, can you imagine if some of the Persian guys you know went camping? He would bring his hair gel and moisturizers.

His overpowering cologne would attract all the bears to the tent. [Read more…]

Love Me Not

JOONAMS.

T-4 till Friday– have you noticed how the beginning of almost ALL my posts start with the mention of Friday? That’s because Friday is fun-day and it is my life.

If you guys have been following us for awhile, then you’ve probably learned a thing or two about me.  1.  I moved far far away from my family.  2.  I have a slight phobia when it comes to commitment (click here). 

I think I’ve exhausted the topic of my family a bit– no more funny stories left, now just the pain, sweat and tears that follow an Iranian upbringing.  But that’s irrelevant for tonight’s topic.

I’ve always been someone who has to have control, who’s not willing to compromise and who’s biggest fear is vulnerability.

Clearly, I’m not as mature as I thought

[Read more…]

Where’s Your Boyfriend At?

Happy Monday!

We have a guest post from a very frustrated reader, who can’t seem to get her Persian family to understand the concept of “My Dating Life is Personal, Stop Talking about it over Ghormeh Sabzi“. 

Enjoy!

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For the most part, middle easterners like to embrace extremes; there really is no middle ground. Take dating for example: somewhere between high school and college, parents go from “You vill NEVER e-speak to a boy” to “Where the –hell- are your khastegars (suitors)?” Who knows, maybe there is mental shift somewhere near the 20th birthday of their daughters, but parents tend to get crazy and suddenly start taking a little TOO much interest in dating life.

My first Thanksgiving back from college, my grandmother and great aunt sat me down for a serious conversation.

This consisted of the most uncomfortable hour of my life, where the serious matter of my lack of dating life was discussed: I was given tips on how to make men interested in me, and want to marry me.

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[Read more…]

I Do What I Want

HI JOONIES.

Happy Memorial Day- this is one of the few times a year where we actually LIKE Mondays.  Just a quick order of business, if you guys email us through our “CONTACT US” page, please make sure you put an email so we can get back to you.  We never like to leave our joonies hanging.  Anyway, we thought you guys might be a little tired of hearing about our Persian parents… so what better way to change it up than with a guest post? Meet DON DRAPER (Persian Version): he has a lot to say about his upbringing and Irooni mother.  So check it out and let us know what you thinkkkk: 

“Davash nakon! Madaret marize, MIKOSHISH!” Translation: Don’t fight her, your mom’s sick, you’re going to kill her!

Me: “Mage chi dare?”  What does she have?

“Hanuz marize, mimire!” She’s still sick, she’s going to die!

 “…Saratan dare!” …She has cancer!

That was an actual fight between my aunt and I.  My mother and I had been fighting about whether I could drive out to a friend’s party one Saturday night.

But my mom didn’t have cancer.

It was a trick.

(My mom had been diagnosed with minor cancer and had the cancer removed 6 months prior).

The point: give in to your mom. Do what she wants. I’m willing to lie about your mom having a terminal illness to get you to give in.

Maman! Vhere do I go?

As long as I can remember, my strong, controlling Persian mom (let no one fool you – women are the stronger sex in Iranian families – soosool Iranian men are aplenty) was willing to go to any length to impose her will on other people. But she always did it with finesse – never directly, never rude, always suggesting, always making threats implicitly.

The message: I can’t trust you.  You can’t handle anything on your own.  The world’s too dangerous.  I can’t even let you try.   [Read more…]

Good Little Persian Boy

JOOOOONIES.

I’m going to bring us back for a second… to sex.  Because let’s just be real– we like that sh*t (at least Saaghi and I do).

Let’s cut right to it, we’re Persian girls and MOST of the time, we like Persian boys.  In fact, if we deviate from the standard mama loving Irooni pesar then we are rebels.

Oh yeah, she likes ARABS.

or

She’s going through some Sia phase right now.

It’s never completely acceptable for us to deter from what our mothers taught us: a Persian man vill be your future hus-baaand, fahimidi? 

Off limits… 

But what about the Persian boys? What do they learn growing up?

DATE THE VIRGIN.  BRING THE VIRGIN HOME TO MADAR.  MARRY THE VIRGIN.   [Read more…]

Get Crunk Up in Him

Hi jooniessss,

Sundays are so bittersweet.  I’m always glad I have an extra day to get over my hangover, but knowing that Monday is coming in just a few hours really f*cking sucks.

Saturdays are meant to be crazy.

No work tomorrow

Weekends are the best excuse to let loose.

[Read more…]

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