I’m Afraid of Tests

I hate getting tested. I feel anxiety, cold sweat, constant paranoia – any test really… I used to always get a little surprised every time I got an A. Now as an “adult,” I’m not exactly trying to make A’s in school, I’m just trying to get by.

I resent my responsibilities sometimes – I kind of wish I didn’t have to deal with repercussions when it comes to every decision. To go to work or not. To smoke or not. To wear a condom or not.

knocked up

I’m a big advocate for condoms. I don’t really understand people who obsess over the fact that “it feels so different” without one. Yeah? So does a child.

That’s why it was even weirder when I decided not to protect myself… [Read more...]

I’m A Little Bit Selfish

Hi there joonies, this post was sent to us during the week of the Boston Marathon bombings. 

This week has been hard for me as an Iranian American and as a Muslim. It was hard because of an incomprehensible attack in Boston, which made me and many others nervously hope wasn’t related to the peaceful religion we practice at home. It was hard because there was another earthquake in Iran, affecting the poorest in the country, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to help in any way because the sanctions imposed to limit the Iranian government’s nuclear activity have actually blocked the transfer of much-needed humanitarian items like food and medicine. But like all people everywhere, I’m a little bit selfish, and it hurt the most because I broke up with my boyfriend, whom I love, over ambiguous and big words like culture, values, and lifestyle.

My now ex-boyfriend is Hindu. I am Muslim. (Cue all past and future Bollywood movie plotlines ever.)

I am not South Asian, so I don’t think I can ever fully understand the antagonism between Hindus and Muslims, or between almost any two religions in that subcontinent for that matter. I suppose I am Shi’a, but my parents immigrated from a predominantly Shi’a country, so I cannot even claim to fully understand the Shi’a-Sunni conflict, although I joke with my Sunni friends that they’re just oppressing me whenever we argue over something.

Interracial and interfaith relationships are always interesting, but they have their own special significance when it comes to first-generation Americans. Being raised with a culture and often religion that is not predominant in the country our parents immigrated to, and which we now call home, we feel the enormous responsibility to be the keepers of traditions near to our own hearts. Traditions, which we feel are often at stake of being lost in this darn Westernization our parents always referred to when we were growing up.The languages in which our parents told us fairy tales, the foods we grew up eating and still haven’t mastered to cook, and the community we are scared of being exiled from when we lose the things we can’t quite put our fingers on.

Many of us have decided that the only way to remain a part of this community, and to retain the things we know are important but don’t know how to put into words, is to create a family with someone like us. [Read more...]

Life is a Highway, and I’m a Turtle


As I was driving home today, I thought I saw a turtle on the highway, in between the carpool and fast lane of the freeway. It could have been tire scrap, but it also could have been a turtle. Anyway, whatever it was, it was safely perched on the white markings as cars zoomed past.

After I drove past, I started thinking about it like it was a brain teaser….”What does a turtle do in that situation?”. If the turtle tries to slowly cross the lane to go somewhere it runs the risk of getting crushed. But if it stays put, it might stay alive, although stuck where it is – and tormented by fear of what if a car changes lanes and crushes me anyway?

As I tried to find one escape route that didn’t involve the turtle risking death, it dawned upon me why I was so concerned.

Life is a highway, and I am a turtle. It is not just people who zoom past me, its everything. Time. Moments. Jobs. Opportunities.

And like the turtle, I’m safely (for now) settled between two lanes – trying to figure out how I can keep all my pieces together to get where I want to go. I’m scared to move, but I’m frustrated at where I’m at.

Let me break down the analogy:

1. I’m back at my parents (you knew that!) which makes me feel like I’m either backtracking, or stuck in one place.

2. I’m unemployed which makes me feel all of the above, plus broke.

3. I don’t even know if I want a job. Because jobs fucking suck.

4. I want to do something that makes me happy, but I’m not quite sure where to look for that.

5. I know this is a phase, and it’ll be over but I’m just like… [Read more...]

Skinny Bitch

Something happened to me recently that’s made me pretty uncomfortable and angry. Let me give you a quick back-story:

I decided in mid-July to go back on antidepressants, which was a really positive step for me in handling my mental health maturely. It was getting pretty bad, and I realized that talk therapy wasn’t doing it anymore. In the past I’d tried medicine, but it never seemed to work out. This time around, I’m discovering that it’s been immensely helpful. My crying spells have diminished, I no longer lie in bed feeling hopeless, and I’m really starting to feel like myself again.

I finally shed my own stigma and biases regarding mental health and am facing it instead of denying parts of it exist.


Anyway, one of the side effects of the antidepressant is weight loss. Since having started the regimen one month ago, I have dropped about eight pounds. I am just under 5’6” and went from 135 to 127 (FYI: a dangerously low BMI for someone of this frame is 125 pounds). I’m still eating regularly, but I find that my appetite has shrunk and I’m not as hungry as often. As I’ve opened up over time to a handful of friends about this new development, most have responded to the weight loss thing in a way I never expected:

Jealousy. Cynicism. Resentment.

They’re making it seem as if I’m lucky to lose this weight, that I must feel great about myself, that they’d like to get on antidepressants to help shed a few pounds. [Read more...]

Bite Me

I find kissing to be a determining factor when it comes to a relationship. If we kiss a guy at the end of the date, the first thing we’re usually telling our friends about is whether he’s a good kisser or not (or is that just me?). Kissing is the first blatant sexual contact between two people. After awhile (speaking in my mid-ish 20′s), we lose interest (patience) in teaching someone how to kiss.

And who do we even consider a bad kisser? Someone who slobbers all of your face? Too much tongue? No tongue movement? Or what about biting?

How much teeth action gets the job done?

kimNot to say that I’m great when it comes to biting – because for some reason, the drunker I get the harder I bite. I blame True Blood for creating this idea that hardcore biting and vampire sex is suddenly hot.

There’s a fine line with biting – and if you cross that line, you go into the uncomfortable, painful, “get me the f#ck out of here” mode. The bulletproof escape plan. Then again, if not with experience… how do we learn to be a good kisser?

Look at romantic movies. You see the guy pulling on the girl’s lip, you hear the girl moan and dig her hands into his hair and you think, damn that’s what I gotta do.

Hollywood definitely sets the bar. I loved Harry Potter, but you don’t see me trying to fly around on a broom.

When it comes to kissing, your teeth are only there to nibble. Bite hard and the moment is ruined.  [Read more...]

Finding Girls in a Foreign Place

Hello bacheha!

I need to pick your brain about dating white girls.

So far, there’s been so many cultural differences that I’ve experienced living in Canada; like, I got totally baffled when to say hello to people and when to not! I find it ironic that people say “good morning” in the streets and some don’t even reply to my “hello” in  the same class (it’s not like I’m hitting on them, I just like to be friendly)!

So I kinda lost my confidence when I try to make a conversation with white people, even though they are pretty friendly and warm (not always of course).


Well, I’d better give you some details about myself; I’m in my early twenties and brown like most Persians, with big light brown eyes, a button nose and peculiar Persian eyebrows (not that bushy)! I’m  fit as a fiddle (I’m a badass triathlete) working out twenty plus hours weekly to race. But I’m such a wimp when it comes to asking white girls out!

Even though they sometimes come to me and start a conversation like “wow, you swim so fast” blab blab blab! Here are other things you should know:

First, I don’t have so many chances to meet white gals because I work in my lab reviewing papers, and doing experiments 9-5 pm. If I can find some time, I would rather scoot to the university’s pool for a swim or go for a run! Actually, that’s the best part of my day to take my mind off those friggen papers! I’ve approached girls in the pool before – introducing myself, et.c and usually the first question that comes up is “where you from” and well, you know the story…

What do you think is the first picture that comes to mind when you hear that somebody is from Iran? [Read more...]

You’re a Jerk

So I have a problem…

And a question really:

Is it true that many of us just attract jerks?

Let me confess, I have had a problem lately with the kind of men I attract; you may have seen my Manwhore piece a few weeks back. Add a few variations of this type and this had pretty much been the kinds of guys that come my way nowadays.

mOn the other hand, I do know a few well-rounded, amazing guys but to whom I have zero attraction. It’s like a trap.

I hear guys complain all the time about how “good girls go for the bad guys” and I always fire my usual retorts because the statement/ assumption is just plain idiotic. And yet sometimes, it does seem to happen. So what is the problem?

Sometimes, you’re so attracted to a person you meet to the point where your mind wallows up in their panty-combusting hotness and doesn’t have the heart to investigate things like the guy’s morals, ideas, politics, and the rest of the disheartening list.

It happens. And soon enough you realize that the guy is whether a wham-bam-thank you-ma’am type, a crazy control freak or otherwise has serious issues. [Read more...]

3 Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Dates

Dating is awkward. Apart from the high level of anxiety and expectation, you are trying to get to know someone while stuffing your face full of food (attractive). In most cases, you are going on a date with someone you don’t know too well, sitting around and asking great inquisitive questions like: “What do you like to do for fun?” and “What’s your favorite movie?

Even in my own short dating experience, I seem to have collected a good few bad experiences. Here are some colorful experiences:

No blurred lines:

On one of my first ever experiences of dating I went out for drinks with a classmate. He was in his late 20s, a bit older than your typical college student, but I liked that- maturity, stability, and a more interesting life than 20-year olds. Conversation seemed to be going normally until he started talking about his ex-girlfriends. He mentioned that he had dated older women before, particularly a woman in her late 40s/early 50s who wanted to have sex all the time.

Quote of the night:

“And I just didn’t want to have sex all of the time, she was very… horny.” [Read more...]

How I Feel Around White Girls

Hello there,

It dawned on me recently that I didn’t have many white girl friends (and by many I mean less than or equal to one). I can’t seem to get one to stick around for the long-friendship haul and I’ve been searching my soul to understand why?

When I’ve gone out with them, I just feel like its quickly turned… boring.

The conversations revolve around things I just don’t understand. Normal Things. Like cute dinner parties as told by DIY-Pinterest Gods. That I’ve never been invited to.

Or new Half-Marathons to run. Which make me think of running the mile in PE Class…unfortunate memories


Or new lifestyle diets. Paleo, Juicing, Gluten Free, Vegan— I can’t even keep up with what’s the latest. But if I brought that lifestyle home my Persian family would have a few choice words for me, “Ghormeh sabzi ya kooft bokhor” (Trans: or eat crap).

But honestly, JUICING? [Read more...]

Do it or Lose it – 10 Ways to Deprive Yourself of Good Sex

Hey joonams,

It’s Friday and we’re ending our sex talk week with… sex talk. Because that’s more fun anyway and it’s Friday fun-day baby.

As much as we love to reflect on our best sexual experiences, sometimes there is no way to get through a night without something going wrong – the sex can turn into turn-off mode pretty damn quick! Some of it’s obvious (for some) like – please don’t have bad breath. Please try not to fart and/or burp. Duh. But we’re trying to get to the not-so-obvious so drop us a line and let us know if you think we’re on the right track. For all we know, we suck at sex (unlikely).



1. Clothing

In the heat of the moment – sometimes not all articles of clothing make it off. And that’s fine, we don’t always mind f#cking with our tank tops on … (but please pay attention to the top area just as much as you would to my vag). However, one must go item is socks.

Socks aren’t exactly a “fuckme accessory.”

2. Refresh and Repeat

The people who jump right into intercourse are truly missing out on one of the fundamental necessities of sex: third base. Yes this means a little blow job/eat me out action.

Sex is fun – but it’s not the only guarantee of reaching pleasure. Everything else plays a huge role in reaching satisfaction. [Read more...]

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