Make Me Submissive, Baby

Happy Monday = R.I.P weekend

It was Superbowl weekend, and even though Niners lost– it was probably the best football game I’ve ever watched.

Jim Harbaugh proved that I have more in common with an NFL coach than I thought possible.

image

So this post is partially an ode to Jim Harbaugh, who perfectly embodies the frustrated and helpless younger sibling in all of us.

In an earlier post, Farrah Joon talked about her take on dominating in the bedroom…and how it’s a lot better, when the guy takes control.  And to borrow a quote from the lovely lady that I think described her point definition of “DOMINATING”:

“HE TOOK CONTROL AND HE GAVE IT TO ME THE WAY HE KNEW I WOULD LIKE IT.” - Fifty Shades of Joon

And really, its true…while it may vary from girl to girl, almost all women like it when the man exercises some control. And without passing judgment, I have to ask:

Why? Why do we like it when a man plays the Dominant to our Submissive?

The ‘S’ word may be a dirty one, but deep down, every bad b*tch wants an equally (or more) powerful male to pin her down and give it to her good. [Read more...]

Yeah, She’s D for D.

ayy JOONAMS

Hope we made the early week a little more bearable  for you guys with a little humor on the tumbLOLr (tumble here).  As for myself, I’ve been putting this song on REPEAT…mourning over the fun/careless summer I never had #firstworldproblems #momoneymoproblems

hit play if you feel like your summer was unjustly cut short, too.

Do you know what’s great about speaking another language a.k.a Persian/Farsi?

The sh!t talking.

Yes, we’re all guilty of being mean in our mother tongue. It’s a privilege we use and abuse.

And its not just Iranians– anyone with the advantage of a second language can and does do it. I swear my nail lady is always talking smack about me in a voice that’s barely above a whisper.  However, for my friends and I- Farsi doesn’t cut it anymore.

In California: Talk Shit, Get Hit. Especially if its in Persian. The chance that someone in the room understands you is more than 50%, and the chance that you’re talking about a Persian is even higher.

So when all else fails, we use acronyms. And this was a long-winded introduction for our most meaningful one yet:

D for D = Desperate for D!CK [Read more...]

I Don’t Do You #Sorry

Hey joonie joons,

HAPPY FRIDAY YO! This is seriously my favorite day of the week. You leave work KNOWING that you have two full days to chill out … work is always kinda uneventful on Fridays… nodramaFridays. Love them.

Anyway, I’ve been a little MIA this week because major writer’s block lately. This is the problem when you’ve sworn off every man in the city because they are all master douches. But most importantly, I am having a hard time remembering all the crazy shit I used to do- denial much? I think so.

They’re called “shitshows” for a reason—because you do everything in your power to black them out of your memory.   [Read more...]

You are SO dumb, FO REAL!

:)

there’s only so many ways you can say hello, and I’m all out for today. & if you love ARAB $$ and SEXY like I do, this song’ll be a hit– summer in Morocco anyone?

and I couldn’t help but post another one for the people going out this weekend:

yeah I kinda gave into #bieberFEVER just a little.

So I’ve decided I have no HOSELEH (HOS for short–patience) for two things:

- ONLINE SHOPPING emails

- Ditzy MEN

One is because I’m broke, the other because I’m too intelligent.

I dont think its ok for girls to play it stupid, but when they actually are that dumb, I just forgive them– because I’m not trying to have sex with them. But for guys, its not that easy. As much as I know not EVERY hook up isn’t going to be an Einstein, I always thought it was safe to assume they have some sort of evolutionary-given common sense. Or could suppress their stupidity for at least the short period of time it takes to get it on.

Saaghi, you’re STUPID. Again.

My friends joke with me that I get with guys on a disability spectrum– from the physically handicapped to the mentally handicapped. I mean there was that one time with the blind guy– but come on! (JK–no one said I was PC on this blog)

But really, now its become a problem: before I’d wait til the next day or tilat least the hookup was over to tell my friends of the stupid sh!t they did, but now I find myself texting/laughing DURING the whole thing.

If I can’t wait to tell the world, it means you’re that ridiculous.   [Read more...]

Let Me Put Some Kush Up In It

VASUP, joons.

I’m actually writing to you from the comfort of my futon, in a bathrobe (even though I showered 2 hours ago), munching on whatever I can get my hands on. Its a lazy Monday– we all know real responsibilities start on TUESDAY.

And if your weekend wasn’t as great as mine (I set the bar pretty low, I assure you) then here’s a jam you can rock out to in your bathrobe or your ball gown:

I love Dragonette, and they will be at Coachella– and for all you Persian Princes and Princesses going this year, EFF YOU. HAVE A GREAT TIME.

ANYWAY. this post is mostly for the boyz.  Because I wanna hear what they have to say about the issue:

Girls and Weed.

Trashy or Hot? Does it need a label?

I never really smoked that much in high school– probably a handful of times. I preferred de alcoholism. One reason was because weed seemed to be a guy thing. I didn’t know many girls that  bought their own MJ, or had their own bongs or pipes.

This actually led me to believe that girls who smoked pot were either classless trash, or hippie vegans.

[Read more...]

Who is OMID J.?

Hey joonies,

In honor of our “non-Racism” week, we thought it might be cool to hear from someone OTHER than Farrah and Saaghi for once.  Meet Omidjooon.  He’s not just a fan of making silly videos– he’s got some CALI #SWAG too.  

About a week ago, a police investigator came to my parents house looking for me. I was not home so he left his card with my parents. He then went to my neighbors home, showed them a picture of me, and asked if I lived next door. Obviously, they said yes.

I was the suspect in a shooting.

Except what I was shooting was a picture and the weapon was my iPhone.

Turns out on December 12th, someone saw me take a picture of the Police Station in Downtown.  They took down my license plates and called the police. The police ran the plates and found that the car belonged to the one and only Omid Joon.

[Read more...]

ALL I DO IS LIN.

Joons,

My new obsession: SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA- GREYHOUND. Even if you’re not a clubhead, you have to admit the beat is sick,brah. I think I could eat fessenjoon or have sex to this song, (or run a marathon) and thats why its S&F worthy.

You can listen to it in the new ABSOLUT commercial, thats part TRON/part ALICE IN WONDERLAND.

Now we’re not gonna say its RACISM week, like they try to call out BLACK HISTORY MONTH & INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY…but I think Farrah brought about how us Iranians can be the victims of some very nasty profiling ….

but lets talk about how us Iranians can be some nasty racists, now I realize thats a loaded term, but lets be real– we can get pretty bad.

Sometimes I think we worship our “blood” as if we were tracing it back to GOLD. The ARYAN thing was dispelled a few months ago, and clearly, our oppressive theocracy should humble our superiority complex–no?

[Read more...]

Daddy Joon, Come Plant Flowers With Me.

Hi Joonies,

I’m rather ill but nothing makes me feel better than writing for you Joonjoons…maybe Vitamin C packets, but thats OK.

Who else is fcking STOKED for NO-ROOZ? New Year? NOWROUZ? however you spell it…ITS COMING, HOLLER! It’s PAY-DAY, bitches, and I’m going shopping (OBVI ADDICTED). Spring Cleaning, Son-bols (Hyacinths), and a dish of weed that I explain to my white friends as magical grass. I love this time of year.

But that’s not what this post is about. Sorry.

Remember all the posts I wrote about my parents, and how they kind-of tortured my existence? Well, there’s definitely more to explore there, but I want to tell you about the phase after the teenage rebel/IwanttoRUNAWAY chapter. I know some of you reading are living at home, and cant wait to MOVE OUT. Don’t worry, I know the routine (some may apply more to guys and/or girls)

You know you’re persian and live at home when… [Read more...]

That’s Why You Mad.

JOOOOONS.

Have you stalked me  yet? Maybe you will after this post…or maybe, you’ll just hate me.

I usually have a theme song when I write, and occasionally (when its not too embarassing) I share the song. Remember Arab MONEY $? Well, here’s another one that you should nod your head and read to:

Ever meet those girls who say they don’t have a lot of girlfriends? The ones not addicted to Meth?

Well, I dont fcking trust them. Don’t get me wrong, not all girls with male friends outnumbering female ones are shady/sketch– they usually fall into two categories:

Category 1: (the minority) The guy’s girl. They actually love sports and watch the games, not as an excuse to wear slutty team gear–but because it matters to them. They prefer getting down and dirty, they’re not vain, and they’re real. Cameron Diaz is the hottest Category 1 I have ever seen. Burping competitions anyone?

and as for the majority of them…drum roll please!

Category 2: The Attention Whores (A.W.) They like anything that will get them attention from men, even if it means wearing/saying/doing the most ridiculous things. Some are more obvious than others, but these species are easily spotted by other females. Males? Well, they’re slower to catch on, and sometimes they fall into the web– but inevitably, they head for the hills too.

I’ve had a lot of Category 2’s in my life, unfortunately. I finally learned my lesson on how to ID them and  just STAY the eff AWAY because they tend to want to project their insecurities onto the people they’re around (and thats a problem).

If you’re still wondering what an A.W. is, or have never (or think you’ve never) had one in your life, let me break it down for you:

They are girls who suffer from the Sheep/Wolf Complex. They’re the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

Sheep are cuddly. wolves are not.

When its just you and them, or just the girls in an isolated situation, they’re sheep like the rest of us. They’re fun, they’re real…they’re your friend. Then there’s the social situations: the party, the mehmooni, the club, classroom, workplace, etc –> and they betray their true nature.

In the public view, the claws come out. And they’re ravenous- they want to tear apart ALL THE SHEEP.

I’m serious, its like they only see red. You’re no longer a person, just competition for attention– in the way of their glory. And it seems, if they’re your FRIEND– they want to murder you even more.  Ever had a friend

who makes underhanded comments toward you in social situations?

Seems to call dibs on every guy in the room?

And BLATANTLY flirts with anything that has a penis? 

There are no boundaries, and sometimes you cringe out of embarassment for them. It doesn’t seem to matter if he’s available or not, if he’s ugly/hot, or your friend or a stranger- they want to revel in the spotlight.

  What causes a girl to become such a meth-hater? And why does she end up with no girlfriends?

1. She’s very insecure and jealous. We are all insecure and envious, its human nature. But some people can’t control their green-eyed monsters and how inferior they feel. I had a friend who couldn’t handle not being the hottest girl in the room. Could you imagine that type of anxiety/stress?

Being so conscious of your surroundings and how people perceive you is more a curse than anything else.

2. She enjoys competition. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy game of one-on-one, but keep it on the fucking courts man. All that is social does not need to be WARFARE. When we go to a bar, don’t hijack the guys I’m talking to because you want to prove you’re better than me. Don’t throw yourself at men, because you want to prove you can get more attention than me.

Because all I’m going to do is walk away. I don’t play those games. You’re not better than me, you’re just pathetic.

This is how A.W.’s lose all their girlfriends.

3. She has to validate herself, externally. What do I mean by this? Its the same as insecurity but more of an active insecurity. She looks in the mirror, and feels empty FOR SOME REASON. and she looks to fill that emptiness using her surroundings- instead of attempting to understand why she’s empty in the first place. One of my friends was clearly so lost in her crisis of ‘what are you gonna do with that?‘ she just constantly relied on her attention-whoring ways to make her feel better. (cough-daddyissuesUP THE ASS cough)

I guess the philosophy behind that is,

I have nothing else going on that’s worth any attention?

Feel like I’m being harsh? In my defense, I’ve spent years with wolves, of all breeds. Some Persian, some not, some ugly, and some pretty– but all very lost, insecure, and toxic. And this affected me and my life– you see, your baggage and your problems are all YOUR BUSINESS until they begin to affect ME. Then its my business to either help you, or get the fuck away.

and I’m not an A.W.

But the only person that can help an attention whore is the whore herself.

I tried for a long time to help my friend, especially because I thought that if I showed her how negatively it was perceived by others it would hit a sore spot for her, and she’d change. But no, shit was waayy too twisted.

“Saaghi, I would want your boyfriend to think I’m hot” 

“OMG, I don’t understand why he’s so interested in me!” (um. Is flirting not a signal of interest? Or did I miss something here?)

“I have like no girlfriends, they’re just too catty for me. I get along with guys better.”

OH. So GIRLS are too catty for YOU? Its not you who hits on their boyfriends that has a problem?….Got it.

If it was just the comments, I would be able to deal because I tend to tune stupid sh!t out anyway… but a person who can’t be happy on her own, will DEFINITELY never be happy for you. So sharing the ‘good parts’ of your life? FORGET IT. Evil-eye galore joonies. At the end of the day, its like this:

I’m sorry my dad actually loves me.

I’m sorry that time with my girlfriends actually fulfills me.

And I’m really sorry I’m not so insecure, that I need to overcompensate and over-validate. Is that why you mad?

So, if you can identify some A.W.’s in your life, RUN. Don’t look back, just RUN. If you don’t, your relationship will become so anxiety ridden, and resentful- you’ll even begin to question your own identity (take it from me). Don’t do this to yourself. At some point, you gotta wash your hands clean, and let them deal with their self-esteem issues on their own.

Don’t stoop to their level and compete with them.

Even if it comes down to a guy you both like, don’t fall into the black hole and (God forbid) turn into an A.W. Because once the dust settles and the spark of flirting is gone, all that’s left is respect…and no guy respects an attention whore.

They’re just for playtime. ;)

So as for your attention-whoring career? Dead. GHOSTBUSTER.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

Follow me on Twitter because you can @Saaghi_Joon

Spittin Wisdom,

saaghi  ساقی

Glad You Came.

JOOONS. Meet our guest writer of the day, here to give you some wisdom (S&F style). Remember, if you wanna write for us, you just gotta holler at our inbox: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

READON (hint: sex and mommy issues explored).  

“They throw you out like a napkin”

was what my Irooni mother said to me. I was 16, and I had just given my first boyfriend a blow job.

You see, my mom and I did NOT have the typical hushhush “NO MOM WE DONT HOLD HANDS/ NO MOM IVE NEVER TOUCHED A BOY IN MY LIFE” type of relationship. we were actually pretty open with each other—“friends” she liked to call it. BAD DECISION. Trust me, it was not a blessing.

I mean some mothers are really insane. #toddlersandtiaras.

From then on, I was given the impression that sex, oral sex included, was for men. I was just there for decoration, or so I was told. Like most other persian girls, I experienced a lot of guilt through my teenage years.

After every “base” I covered, my friends and I were burdened with questions like “is he USING me?” or “will he break up with me now?”

Instead of thinking about our own modes of pleasure.

“His penis was not big enough”

“He needs to do more dirty talk” (if you’re not talking dirty, you’re not having good sex– #justsayin)

or just plain and simple…

“He doesn’t make me come”

And obviously, when you view your sexuality as belonging to someone else; being someone’s toy, or an object of pleasure –>> you give them the power to dictate how you feel.

For instance, when I had sex for the first time, it was quite the circus scene. I was crying, my mom cried, my vagina cried. It was just a big mess. The sex sucked, it hurt, and resulted in me turning into a crazypsychoirooni bitch (sh!t happens).

britbrit when she went craycray.

THEN, SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENED: I was introduced to the vibrator. And as a shout out to JAMES BOND &FARRAH–YOU ARE CORRECT. ITS THE ORGASM THAT GETS US GIRLS INTRODUCED TO THE BEAUTY OF SEX. For other girls, it may be a loving boyfriend, or a bomb ass therapist who teaches you that sex is for your enjoyment as well, but I had to learn that from a 6 in. long battery operated machine.

Once I decided that sex was for ME, I had emotion-less, detached sex with some sefid kid and GORGED in it. For once, I felt like a real woman.

Not an object, a decorative piece, or a slut. It was when I was able to have emotionless sex, that I realized my sexuality was mine, and mine alone.

BUT THEN, I got slapped in the fucking face (again, sh!t happens). I got busy with this Indian/Pakistani I-banker (no sex- still kept some level of restraint).  As soon as we were done, I put my clothes back on and was ready to leave until he said…….

“Sooooo you don’t want to snuggle or anything?”

Wait, what? “uh….am I supposed to want to snuggle??”

“I don’t know, I just don’t want you to feel like a slut or something”

And that was it. I finally got it.

As much as us girls want to be progressive and have sex cause we like it (not cause we wanna have babies or be in love), guys will continue to think that it has an emotional aspect, that sex is a man’s world, that a woman’s enjoyment is secondary during sex.

But it also put a lot in perspective for me–I got used to having emotionless sex. My sefid boy from college got me used to hitting it and quitting it in his frat room (SHOUT OUT TO SAAGHI–FRAT AS FUCK), and I got used to putting on my clothes as fast as my first boyfriend would come.

So theres trial and error:

Have sex without emotion with someone who doesn’t deserve it?

CHECK.

Sex without emotion with someone who could potentially deserve your emotions?

FAIL.

Realizing your sexuality should be a way for us Persian girls to make sense of sex. Not to abuse it. Or else we’d just be sefid (white) girls.

…um.

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

As snuggly as ever,

Shabnam شبنم
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