Bringing Sexy Back

JOONIES.

So today I found out– that it’s not me, it’s my oven. It doesn’t work and so instead of starving I decided to order pizza. After which I had the realization, I don’t think any man comes close to the way I feel about Stuffed Crust Pizza.

The best sex or Stuffed Crust Pizza? You know, in all honesty, I’d hesitate on that one.

As you can tell, I’m multi-tasking today, blogging/stuffing my face.

So in a topic completely un-related, I want to talk about…SEXY.

A while ago, I asked what it meant to be, like, really deep? And you know, SEXY is also an ambiguous term. Is it Kate Upton on the cover of  GQ? or is it one of those days when you wake up and decide you kick ass?

Is it Cleavage or Confidence?

To tell you the truth, it’s probably a bit of both. Sexy, like other things, is in the eye of the beholder.

Some guys I talk to think sexy is their girlfriend after an intense work, and some girls think nothing is sexier than guy with ambition.

The only real truth about sex appeal is that it is universal.

As a woman (because that’s the only perspective I can speak from, although I wish I could be a sexy man for a day) I think sex appeal is a dangerous game to play. Now, I’m not a bra-burning feminist– and I’m definitely nobody’s mother. But the other day, I was at a frat party– I’m too old to be going to those– and I was pretty shocked at what I saw.

Girls in lace bras, see through shirts, booty shorts, skirts, and sky high heels– roaming around a house that smells like beer trying to find a boy to hang onto. This is old news, and I am not saying I was above this scene when I was in school–

I don’t care if they have sex with random frat boys, or they drink til they pass out (I mean I care, but really…we’ve all been there). But I kind of cared that all of them seemed so insecure.

But for the first time (sober), when I looked at these young freshmen girls I saw them for what they really were: little kids playing dress-up, uncomfortable in their skin, and really just trying to be desired. For them, the frat guys validated their sex appeal. [Read more...]

Let Me Put Some Kush Up In It

VASUP, joons.

I’m actually writing to you from the comfort of my futon, in a bathrobe (even though I showered 2 hours ago), munching on whatever I can get my hands on. Its a lazy Monday– we all know real responsibilities start on TUESDAY.

And if your weekend wasn’t as great as mine (I set the bar pretty low, I assure you) then here’s a jam you can rock out to in your bathrobe or your ball gown:

I love Dragonette, and they will be at Coachella– and for all you Persian Princes and Princesses going this year, EFF YOU. HAVE A GREAT TIME.

ANYWAY. this post is mostly for the boyz.  Because I wanna hear what they have to say about the issue:

Girls and Weed.

Trashy or Hot? Does it need a label?

I never really smoked that much in high school– probably a handful of times. I preferred de alcoholism. One reason was because weed seemed to be a guy thing. I didn’t know many girls that  bought their own MJ, or had their own bongs or pipes.

This actually led me to believe that girls who smoked pot were either classless trash, or hippie vegans.

[Read more...]

MAKE IT RAIN, ITS 1391

JOONS, we can’t claim we rep Iranian/Persian roots if we don’t put up a NOWROUZ/Norooz/EID post.

We’re taking a minute out of our super busy day (who else left cleaning and showering for the last minute?) to wish you all a very Happy New Year.

1391 style.

No not 1391 A.D, That would be the Spanish Inquisition.

[Read more...]

Who is OMID J.?

Hey joonies,

In honor of our “non-Racism” week, we thought it might be cool to hear from someone OTHER than Farrah and Saaghi for once.  Meet Omidjooon.  He’s not just a fan of making silly videos– he’s got some CALI #SWAG too.  

About a week ago, a police investigator came to my parents house looking for me. I was not home so he left his card with my parents. He then went to my neighbors home, showed them a picture of me, and asked if I lived next door. Obviously, they said yes.

I was the suspect in a shooting.

Except what I was shooting was a picture and the weapon was my iPhone.

Turns out on December 12th, someone saw me take a picture of the Police Station in Downtown.  They took down my license plates and called the police. The police ran the plates and found that the car belonged to the one and only Omid Joon.

[Read more...]

Sometimes, I Wish I Was Black.

Whatup joonies,

You’re probably sick of all the MLK talk today–the tweets, the Facebook updates, the quotes–you’re probably thinking, dude every other day of the year, us Iroonis are so racist. (Don’t even try to deny those ridiculous comments your parents make)!

But we’re here to say, the new generation of Iranians are not racist. In fact, we’re in awe of black people. The awesomeness they’ve achieved in such a short time, especially given the obstacles they’ve had in their way. And no, we’re not talking about Kanye or Kobe– the music industry and the b-ball court isn’t the only place where they run sh!T.

Here’s our favorite influential people of African descent (we try to say PC– sometimes).

THE ACTIVIST:

HUEY NEWTON 

what a boss.

“I think what motivates people is not great hate, but great love for other people”

Dr. King, Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, the Little Rock Nine– we’ve heard all about these famous activists and there are even picture books about them.

Huey Newton was a different sort of activist, controversial and impossible to silence. A native of Oakland, he taught himself how to read after he graduated high school– he went on to get his PhD in Social Philosophy. Along with Bobby Seale, he co-founded the infamous Black Panther Party for Self Defense in 1966.

Sure, Dr. Huey Newton was jailed, tried, jailed again–(repeat) but it is hard to deny the mark that Huey, and his work, has left on the world of civil rights and urban activism.

ELLA BAKER

“give light and people will find their way”

Sometimes people forget about women in the Civil Rights movement.  But Ella Baker, was a true leader. She preferred working behind-the-scenes insisting that “strong people don’t need leaders”; and this had lasting effects because after MLK was assassinated, the Civil Rights Movement didn’t die. (“Martin didn’t make the movement, the Movement made Martin”)

Ella lent her voice to countless movements, beyond just civil rights, and we know if she were alive today– she’d help Iran out– FOR SURE. You’re a real woman, Ms. Baker!

THE ACTOR:

BILL COSBY

"It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful."

Most of us grew up watching The Cosby Show, which turned out to be the highest ranking sitcom OF ALL TIME– at a time where racism still played a dominant role in people’s perceptions of African Americans.  The Cosby Show broke stereotypes, it taught us (without us even realizing it) acceptance and compassion.

But Bill Cosby wasn’t just known for his hit sitcom.  He held a doctorate in education and encouraged African Americans to excel in more than just sports, fashion, and “acting hard.”

Bill Cosby played an integral role in our lives encouraging US to be more educated.  He was  also the most Persian Dad on TV for a while.

RUBY DEE

“The kind of beauty I want most is the hard-to-get kind that comes from within — strength, courage, dignity.”

Ruby Dee may have been before our time, but she played a significant role in defining the movement of African American culture.  She was the first African American woman to ever play lead roles at the American Shakespeare Festival.  She’s known for roles in A Raisin in the Sun and American Gangster.  

But of course… that’s not all.

Not only, was Ruby Dee a breast cancer survivor for over 30 years, but she was one of the many who supported MLK by marching alongside her peers in MLK’s march on Washington in 1963.  In 1970, she won the Federick Douglass Award for leadership toward equal opportunity.

Ruby Dee: a strong woman. An inspiration.

THE MUSICIAN:

JOHN LEGEND

The world won't get no better, we gotta change it

John Legend– DAMN. Smooth voice. Beautiful music. Well Educated. He just makes us want to Get Lifted. There really is not much else to say here, other than– John Legend makes us believe there is some hope left in the entertainment industry, beyond Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber.

NINA SIMONE

You just have to listen to the above song. Soulful. It really makes you want to turn back time to the 60s, and march with Dr. King, doesnt it? Or at least, really makes you wish you were black.

THE ARTIST:

LANGSTON HUGHES

Well, I like to eat, sleep, drink and be in love”

Without Langston Hughes, there would be no Tupac, no Public Enemy, and definitely no Jay-Z. If you were lucky enough to read his poetry in school (and didn’t snooze), you already know how bomb Langston is, if not– pick up his Montage of a Dream Deferred and bask in its genius.

Langston was hiphop before it even existed.

BETYE SAAR

image

Now you might enjoy Aunt Jemima Waffles from your local grocery store, but Betye Saar’s work on stereotyped black figures (Aunt Jemima, Uncle Tom etc) is PHENOMENAL.

The liberation of Aunt Jemima, 1972

GOOGLE for more please.

THE POLITICIAN:

BARACK OBAMA

Did you really think we’d forget one of the most powerful men on the PLANET?! WHO IS BLACK!?

With infinite amounts of swag and critics, President Obama is definitely the culmination of centuries of activism. Say what you want about his policies and his views, but there is no denying that Barack Hussein Obama is a fuckin’ champion, a big EFF YOU to the KKK, and white supremacists out there.

And for that, even that alone, we love him.

"There is not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America — there is the United States of America"

xx,

The S&F team

If you’re not KOBE, you can sit this one out.

HELLLOOOO/salaaaam/bonjOUR to our lovely joooons,

I’m in a particularly good mood as you can see today. It’s rare, usually there’s something that sets me off – gets my ‘bitch mode activated‘. Anyway, there’s a new CONTACT US page, if you’re too lazy/scared/annoyedthatweevenask to email (sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com)! so gogogo and leave us some feedback. Farrah and I are all ears!

just for fun, my french boy crush: Adrien Gallo.

Now I have a concern for my own kind– the middle eastern woman. Since when were we such snooty bitches? and since when was THAT mistaken for confidence? EXCUSE ME— cocky is not confident, cocky is a projection of all your INSECURITIES & DADDY ISSUES.

Cocky doesn’t translate into ‘I’m the hottest bitch in the room’, ‘I’m a lionness here me roar’…Cocky translates over to : “I woke up this morning delusional, thinking I was Beyonce”

Now I know I said its coool to speak your mind, and I encouraged it (see here). & that’s not what I’m talking about– I’m writing about those girls that walk around the streets, the clubs, the malls as if they’ve just been dropped from the nose of an elephant (az damagh-e-feel – farsi proverb of the day). Girls with noses in the air, clutching their handbags, marching in their stilettos, and doling out DIRTY LOOKS. — now tell me that ain’t INSECURR?

As guys say, girls that think their sh!t don’t stink.

toddlers and tiaras. #smh

I have bad news, it does. & you thinking you’re better than other people only shows how inferior you really must feel.

I witnessed the following the other day:

As I stood in line for take-out, there were a couple Irooni girls a few people in front of me (just enough distance for saaghi the anthropologist – or creeper- to observe them). They were laughing, talking, gossiping whatever- until a guy sitting nearby decided to chat them up. It was unclear whether he was hitting on them or just killing time by being a social person.

a) I wanted to give him a MASS AMOUNT of credit for approaching girls while theyre in ‘wolf packs’ (that ain’t easy we know)

b) He was respectful, I know girls complain about all those sleazy creepers but he was not one.

image

Poor guy didn’t realize what he got himself into. The girls ripped him apart like wolves, to the point that I just felt bad. Even after he had stopped talking to them, they were still laughing, mocking, and just being plain disrespectful. Sure, you can call it mean girls– but it was more than that, these girls thought they had a right to just brush this guy off in any way they so chose.

I was so angry, I wanted to- all at the same time- comfort the poor dude, bitchslap the girls, take them off their stilettos & bring them back down to earth. 

Then I was relieved by this thought:

LIFE will do that.

Somewhere, between losing your virginity, falling in love, moving out, and getting a job- you will learn that there is nothing that makes you better than anyone else. No amount of money, looks, health, or family.

There are no ‘leagues’, ‘cliques’, and ‘ranks’ in the greater scheme of things. There’s only the reality of how you’ve treated the people around you.Like when you say ‘ugh he’s so out of my league’ or ‘I’m an 8, he’s a 4′– you only make yourself look stupid. When you look down on people is when you’re basically asking for life to humble you and smack the air of superiority out of your effing soul.

this is not real life.

As Iranians, or even Middle Easterners, we tend to inherit large egos and even bigger amounts of PRIDE– and I think that can be harnessed for good– towards your motivations, goals, aspirations, etc.  But when you keep it at a superficial level, you’re just going to stand still and look like a fool.

Now if I’ve gotten too philosophical and deep on you joonies, I apologize, let’s lighten this up by showing you how Life humbled a young Saaghi. I’ve realized my existence has been filled with way too many embarassing moments, and I haven’t shared enough of them with you. So here we go

My parents, as all persian parents do, signed me up for a few sports when I was young (some starting at five years old): Soccer, Swimming, Basketball, and Tennis. I definitely did not inherit some of the athletic talent my siblings have, and I was no super star but I was pretty good at Soccer (surprise). And this was because I was AGGRESSIVE (surprise again) and I had no problem elbowing, knocking down, kneeing, headbutting, injuring anyone. My soccer coach sent me into the field because I was the human bulldozer. (Wow, I’m making myself sound very attractive to you joonies aren’t I?) & he sent me in, for every game.

When it came to BASKETBALL, it was a very different story. I don’t know what it is about the sport– i am just NOT GOOD. Actually, I suck. I mean, I can play some one-on-one and survive, but a game with teams– my ADD kicks in and I have no idea what side of the court I should be on. Hands in the air at the same time for defense? Yeah, that just means I look like a confused weirdo doing jumping jacks at the half court line.

LECHOKE.

ANYWAY, my parents would come to the games, and I realllyyyy  wanted to show off for them. Especially my dad who was still yelling “HUST-ELE” from the sidelines (click here for the full story). Of course, my coach knew I sucked– my teammates knew I sucked– but I, big egoed bulldozer saaghi, still felt like there had to be someone who sucked more than me. & of course I decided it was the girl who hadn’t shed her baby fat yet. (WHY AM I SUCH A BITCH!?) I insisted Coach put me in the games, insisting I had more KOBE in me than her. Turns out, that wasn’t true– one game, as I awkwardly let the other team consistently score while trampling over me, my coach took me out and said:

“Saaghi,You can sit this one out.”

and then I sat every game out, as baby fat KOBE played, scored, and got some glory. My basketball skills became the running joke of my family (still is).

It may seem like a mild story, but guess what– I ate shit on the court a few times, which made me EAT MY WORDS, and kill my ego. Baby fat Kobe was gonna play and I was gonna STOP FRONTIN’ THAT I WAS KOBE/JORDAN/ALLEN/SHAQ– and SIT IT OUT.

I’ll leave you with this joons, and it’s not jesus’ golden rule (although that’d apply here)>>

True Swagged out bitches know they’re just as flawed as the rest of the world. & they don’t front.SO kick off the pedestal you put yourself on, and take a new look around you.

Sh!t looks different from ground level, huh?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

The Persian Bulldozer,

saaghi  ساقی

We gettin’ ARAB MONEY $

Hola joonies. We’re about to make some of you very mad. (boys—lookin at you!)

So if you weren’t aware before, Iranians have this hate-hate relationship with Arabs. To all the white people reading, no we’re not all the same thing.  Different religion, different cultures, VERY different political agendas.

Obama bows to Saudi King

It’s a broad spectrum:

- The Iranians that strongly hate Arabs: they believe the Arabs were conniving conquerors, impregnating our beloved Iran with Islam and so bringing on allll the present trouble we face today (ISLAMIC REPUBLIC of Iran)

- The Iranians that mildly hate Arabs: because of the Sunni/Shiite divide, and/or cultural differences “Arab-hayeh malakh-khor” =  Grasshopper eating Arabs.

- The Iranians that just hate Arabs, because…well habit.

Luckily, I grew up in a non-racist household (SORT OF) or my parents just forgot to teach me how to hate Arabs.

I actually love everything about them. Their language, their music, and of course, their MEN!

When it comes to men, Arabs are just MONEY

And you can consider this video the theme song of this post:


(and for all those who are going to complain about the use of quranic verses in this video—from one muslim to another, calm down and be glad they’re in a Busta video and not AlQaeda’s)

In the game of Arab men vs. Iranian men, I’m sorry to say Arabs WIN. It is not really about net worth, they’re not all wealthy– they just have unbelievable swagger. Most Persian guys just look feminine compared to Arab guys. Maybe its that our ancestors were chillin’ in palaces (see: PERSEPOLIS), and Arab’s were surviving the not-so-friendly climate of the desert and figuring out tribal warfare. Maybe that’s when they started to win.

Arabs on camels.

Or maybe, its that Iranians love to pretend they are aristocratic and refined (how many of you were forced to learn FRENCH?), and Arabs don’t mind being diiirttyyy (if you know what I mean) and…well, Arab.

why are their men touching him?

The hottest Persian guy could pass for a girl.

Whatever it is, I personally LOVE it. And if any girl has dated/seen enough Arab guys, they’ll agree with me. And obviously, they have a huge advantage- there are SO many of them: Egyptians, Lebanese, Syrians, Algerians, Morroccans…etc (what’s your favorite flavor ;)?

I remember my earliest crush was on my Lebanese Sunday School teacher, Mr. Al. He had green eyes and brown hair, and was a great distraction from all the BS I had to listen to. It was very unfortunate that he was married with children.

When I was 18, almost immediately after dating an Iranian guy, I started dating a Lebanese guy. It was wonderful. The Arab didn’t complain, he didn’t talk about his MOM, and he didn’t do his eyebrows. He had a take it or leave it personality and he got shit done, and it was such a TURN ON. Even though he wasn’t as good looking as my Persian ex, he was so much SEXIER. I wanted to undress him everytime he walked in the room.

I’m sure there are great Persian guys out there- but you’re all downright INSECURE. Is my nose too big? Are my eyebrows arched enough? Is my doodool too small? Am I too hairy? Look, only girls get to be that insecure– and even then its fucking foolish. Arabs wear their traditional garb, they speak Arabic like they’re about to choke on something, and they grow moustaches and beards– and they OWN it. When’s the last time you saw a Persian guy flashing his lebaseh mahali (traditional village outfit) instead of his Mercedes and Prada?

If Arabs worry about this stuff, they’re good at hiding it because you don’t see them walking around looking like this:

Instead you have this: (soccer players, heirs, and princes- take your pick!)

yeah zidane’s arab.

Hariri, one of the world’s youngest billionaires

Hamdan, Prince of Dubai

How Do I love Arab $$$ ? Let me count the ways:

1. Bad Boys: They are the Persian girl’s bad boy. Siyaah’s (black guys) are the forbidden fruit, but Arabs are the snake. Your parents will not approve of the Arab, and that makes them that much more desirable. When it comes to white and black guys, some may lack flavor and culture– so Arab guys are the next best thing.

2. Aggressive: Like I said, they’re not afraid of getting down and dirty. Arabs are the Russians of the Middle East, and Iranians are the French.

3. The way they treat women: Wherever your Arab man is from, you can expect him to be 100% jealous and possessive at all times– and us persian girls, we LOVE that. Deny it all you want, but deep down- if you’re man doesn’t care where you are and who you’re with, you think something’s deeply wrong.

I’m prepared to take the hatemail for this – I’m expecting some really awesome emails. and hey, I’ll even post some of them :) so feel free to defend yourselves, persian boys.

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

LOVE YOU HABIBIS,

saaghi  ساقی

The Problem With Pretty Girls

Joonjoons :)

Time for some daily wisdom.

But FIRST, a story (bc we all love those):

Growing up, I had a friend who was very pretty- she NEVER went through that ‘ugly duckling phase’ aka her nose and face didnt swell, acne never hit, and baby fat was nonexistent. I mean this girl was pretty at 8 years old AND at 11 AND at 17.

So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?

Great genes. (efffff them)

Now, let me tell you why there is a tragedy in this story- Later, my friend and I ended up moving to two different countries, and a few years after our high school graduation we got together to catch up and she was an absolute mess. She was in her 20s and falling into a deep depression. My friend hadn’t gone on to do anything with her life- she never found fulfillment in a career, a family, or a passion.

I was shocked. I didn’t understand. I always assumed she was better off because,..well, she LOOKED better. It didn’t add up.

WHY?

Now here’s the wisdom: PRETTY can promote certain dangerous qualities (as can family money or a big dick). You see, my friend grew up pretty, and she EXPECTED people to treat her like a pretty girl. ENTITLEMENTVANITY.  These are all qualities that you want to stay VERY FAR AWAY from, yet our society almost pushes it upon us.

By no means am I saying that all pretty people are doomed, but sometimes lucky genes can be more of an obstacle than anything else.

Let me further ILLUSTRATE:

- Relying on your good looks prevents you from spending time on developing DEPTH.  Being DEEP helps you deal with the curveballs life throws you. Dealing with the loss of a job? Death? Disease? Your beauty won’t help you there. Don’t let something bad happen for you to start developing coping mechanisms. (TRUST MEEEE)

-IF you focus so much on the outside, the inside gets FUCKED UP. NEGLECTED: it’s your sense of humor that needs a lift, not your boobs.

- Beauty FADES. and its like a BAD EX, it leaves you with SCARS (in the form of sun spots, wrinkles, and saggy skin). When its gone, you should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and still love yourself, and if not love- you should be able to accept yourself.

- Feeling pretty often means feeling others are UGLY. Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t call some bitches BUSTED, UGLY, or UNFORTUNATE LOOKING- but at the end of the day, if you feel like you are BETTER than someone else because of the way you LOOK, man oh man, have you got problems. Feeling SUPERIOR because you’re prettier is the equivalent of feeling SUPERIOR because you’re of a certain race. RACISM IS OUTDATED BITCHES.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with the above points? (drop me a line if you do: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com)

Yet, here lies the problem:

EVERYDAY, it seems like life rewards those who are more attractive and this is…TRUE.

BEING ATTRACTIVE can get you FARTHER in LIFE. but i want to draw the difference between ATTRACTIVE and PRETTY here.

attractive is not just physical- it’s how you carry yourself. SWAGGER.  its like an equation: SWAGGER: 5% PHSYICAL + 95% MENTAL. if you feel sexy, you probably ARE sexy (its cliche but true)– and you’re probably better in BED.  You can always manipulate the physical, and if you got the awesome personality– you’re fucking GOLD.

No braces for this girl

and no nose job for this one

Pretty is physical, pretty does not mean you can HOLD a conversation, does not mean you can be a FREAK IN THE SHEETS, and it def does not mean you’re FUN to be around.

GUYS FUCK PRETTY GIRLS. GUYS MARRY SWAGGED-OUT BITCHES.

True story.

In my opinion, all girls are pretty in one form or another, it’s the girls who don’t dwell on their looks that seem to get the man, the job, and the good life.

the truth? pretty’s a dime a dozen.FO REAL. Girls, invest your time (and money) in something else.

think im being HARSH?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

yours forever,

saaghi  ساقی
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