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READON (hint: sex and mommy issues explored).
“They throw you out like a napkin”
was what my Irooni mother said to me. I was 16, and I had just given my first boyfriend a blow job.
You see, my mom and I did NOT have the typical hushhush “NO MOM WE DONT HOLD HANDS/ NO MOM IVE NEVER TOUCHED A BOY IN MY LIFE” type of relationship. we were actually pretty open with each other—“friends” she liked to call it. BAD DECISION. Trust me, it was not a blessing.
From then on, I was given the impression that sex, oral sex included, was for men. I was just there for decoration, or so I was told. Like most other persian girls, I experienced a lot of guilt through my teenage years.
After every “base” I covered, my friends and I were burdened with questions like “is he USING me?” or “will he break up with me now?”
Instead of thinking about our own modes of pleasure.
“His penis was not big enough”
“He needs to do more dirty talk” (if you’re not talking dirty, you’re not having good sex– #justsayin)
or just plain and simple…
“He doesn’t make me come”
And obviously, when you view your sexuality as belonging to someone else; being someone’s toy, or an object of pleasure –>> you give them the power to dictate how you feel.
For instance, when I had sex for the first time, it was quite the circus scene. I was crying, my mom cried, my vagina cried. It was just a big mess. The sex sucked, it hurt, and resulted in me turning into a crazypsychoirooni bitch (sh!t happens).
THEN, SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENED: I was introduced to the vibrator. And as a shout out to JAMES BOND &FARRAH–YOU ARE CORRECT. ITS THE ORGASM THAT GETS US GIRLS INTRODUCED TO THE BEAUTY OF SEX. For other girls, it may be a loving boyfriend, or a bomb ass therapist who teaches you that sex is for your enjoyment as well, but I had to learn that from a 6 in. long battery operated machine.
Once I decided that sex was for ME, I had emotion-less, detached sex with some sefid kid and GORGED in it. For once, I felt like a real woman.
Not an object, a decorative piece, or a slut. It was when I was able to have emotionless sex, that I realized my sexuality was mine, and mine alone.
BUT THEN, I got slapped in the fucking face (again, sh!t happens). I got busy with this Indian/Pakistani I-banker (no sex- still kept some level of restraint). As soon as we were done, I put my clothes back on and was ready to leave until he said…….
“Sooooo you don’t want to snuggle or anything?”
Wait, what? “uh….am I supposed to want to snuggle??”
“I don’t know, I just don’t want you to feel like a slut or something”
And that was it. I finally got it.
As much as us girls want to be progressive and have sex cause we like it (not cause we wanna have babies or be in love), guys will continue to think that it has an emotional aspect, that sex is a man’s world, that a woman’s enjoyment is secondary during sex.
But it also put a lot in perspective for me–I got used to having emotionless sex. My sefid boy from college got me used to hitting it and quitting it in his frat room (SHOUT OUT TO SAAGHI–FRAT AS FUCK), and I got used to putting on my clothes as fast as my first boyfriend would come.
So theres trial and error:
Have sex without emotion with someone who doesn’t deserve it?
Sex without emotion with someone who could potentially deserve your emotions?
Realizing your sexuality should be a way for us Persian girls to make sense of sex. Not to abuse it. Or else we’d just be sefid (white) girls.
As snuggly as ever,