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Lies My Mother Told Me

Hey joonie joons,

In honor of the holidays, we have dedicated this week to our crazy Irooni families.  We never realized just how unique Iranians are until we started to reminisce about the past… whether its from the silent “disappointment” car rides to causing us so much stress that we would resort to private striptease shows.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there…

If your Iranian family is anything like ours then you KNOW that “Persian mothers know best” when it comes to EVERYTHING, including (but not limited to) homemade remedies that cure any and all things:

Remedy #1: 

Unlike most Persian girls, Farrah isn’t hairy (thank God), but as a result, she has very “light” eyebrows.  As Perisans, we pride ourselves on our beautiful eyes, with long eyelashes and thick eyebrows (NOT unibrows,nevercute) so as you can imagine her mother wasn’t too happy about the thin, unpluckable because not enough hair, eyebrows that Farrah had.  Madar’s solution? Rose water.

Yeah, I can just see the hair growing… in bushels

Farrah: My maman used to chase me around the damn house just to get me to sprinkle rose water on my face twice a day in hopes of making me grow full, “luscious” eyebrows.  She never succeeded (muahaha).  FYI: I’ve never had any complaints about my BEAUTIFUL eyebrows, thanks.

Remedy #2:

Sex makes your boobs grow.  That’s right.  Tired of stuffing your bra with kleenex and cotton balls?  Too scared to get implants (don’t do it, looks trashy). Never fear, because according to OUR mothers, SEX ENHANCES YOUR BRA SIZE.  FINALLY– something enjoyable and fun with GREAT, fucking results.  

I grew one whole cup size after this

Saaghi: Yeah my mom used to tell me that if I ever had sex, my boobs will grow.  Well mom, I have had sex… BEEN having sex… and nothing is happening.  ALTHOUGH, I do notice her staring at my chest every once in awhile trying to figure out if they’ve gotten bigger (aka if I’m still a virgin).  I’m not… Sorry mom, but you’ll never be able to tell from my chest.

Remedy #3: 

The mysterious “at-home” remedy to help your penis grow.  This doesn’t apply to us (seriously, no penises tucked away anywhere here). BUT, according to SOME Persian mothers: there is a little something that can be done to help enhance their son’s … package, ESPECIALLY if they are lacking.

Screw viagra, mama knows best

Farrah: My mother was always concerned about whether my brother was doing okay in the below the shorts area.  “Farrah, if he is too small, tell him to JUST TELL ME, I can help.”  Ummm… no comment.

Remedy #4: 

Rub dead ants over your legs and you will never grow hair AGAIN.  We know every Persian girl reading this is actually considering whether or not they should try this.  Let us save you the headache: ANTS ARE DISGUSTING… please just stick with shaving… a little stubble never hurt anyone… too much.  

And you want to rub this shit on YOUR BODY?!

Saaghi: My mother would actually spend time trying to convince me that it would be worth it to rub ants on my body so that I would never have to shave again.  I’d rather be hairy as fuck then rub that shit on my legs, thanks.

We know the list of ridiculous remedies that our Persian mothers SWEAR by is long and most often, a bit ridiculous.  WHAT DOES YOUR PERSIAN MOTHER SWEAR BY? 

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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Enjoy the holiday weekend joonies!

XX,

THE S&F TEAM

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Comments

  1. Okayyy the ant thing DOES NOT sound like something I’d want to ever try! And I thought my parents were weird!

  2. Your mom told you that your boobs would grow if you had sex? The majority of persian moms NEVER discuss sex with their daughters, i’m surprised yours have. PS. I have never heard any of those remedies.

  3. Siavash says:

    You’re the weirdest Persian families I’ve ever seen! How come should you know about your brother’s?

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